16. Nova
Sleeping was hard.
Something that came so easily, so naturally to most people, had always been pretty hard for me, but even more so lately.
Whenever I closed my eyes these days, all I saw was death. I kept on reliving the shooting, waking up screaming because it felt like Mrs Diaz’s blood seeping under the closet’s door was still spreading underneath me, on my white sheets.
And I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. No one would understand, not my friends, not my sister, and certainly not my dad.
The only person I truly wanted to talk to was ignoring me and I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt my feelings.
The first time I had tried reaching out to Aiden was on the night of the shootings, after he’d been taken into custody for flattening Sebastian to the ground. I’d be lying if I said him defending me didn’t make me feel some kind of way. The fact that he didn’t even hesitate and simply reacted had me feeling seen and respected. I all but begged my dad to get him out and I knew he had, he even convinced Sebastian’s parents to drop the charges against him.
That night, after dad got home and assured me he’d driven him home too, I texted Aiden asking if he was okay. His one word answer made me feel stupid, because what kind of question was that?
His life was a mess, I knew it, and after the day we’d had, asking if he was okay was simply stupid.
Sara Diaz had been my professor but she was much more to him. A friend, a neighbor, almost family.
I texted him again the next day, wanting to meet up and talk, but he said he was busy. I tried the day after but the same thing happened.
I had never felt this lonely in my life.
Not only that, but I kept reliving the events from that day in my dreams. Every night, I’d been brought back to when the gunshots stopped and Aiden and I ventured out of the closet. Only it wasn’t Mrs Diaz’s face that I saw on the floor.
It was my mother’s.
Rare were the people who knew that my mom had killed herself.
Rarer were those who knew I was the one who discovered her body.
“Nova?”
Looking up from the sketch book I had been doodling on for hours, in search of inspiration for a new sewing project, my eyes bore into Rory’s. She was watching me carefully from the doorway of my bedroom, uncertainty clear in her gaze.
I did my best to reassure her, a fake smile stretching my lips. “Hey babe.”
“How are you feeling today?”
Marching into my room, she plopped herself on my bed and grabbed a pillow.
“I’m okay. Can’t wait to go back to school tomorrow,” I lied, “dad has been driving me insane.” Now that part was true. Dad had been so scared of the shooting bringing back bad memories—rightfully so— that he’d been hovering nonstop. It was driving me crazy to have him check on me three times per hour.
Thank God he was taking care of Cece right now which meant I got to breathe in peace. It was hair wash day and although I usually did it, he decided he would be the one to style our youngest sister’s hair today, because I ‘needed rest’.
“Yup, me too and I’m not even the source of his constant worry.” She rolled her eyes, oblivious to how her words pinched at my heart.
I never had any doubts that my father loved all three of his daughters the same, but I was the one he was most careful around. Ever since we lost mom, he started acting like he was afraid they would lose me too.
“Are you really excited about school tomorrow, though?” Rory asked, worry etching her face.
“Excited probably isn’t the word I would use but yeah… I think getting out of the house will do me good.”
After two weeks cooped up at home, I sure hoped so. They gave us two weeks off class to recuperate. A team of therapists was available at school until the end of the year and students were encouraged to reach out and speak about what happened. They even scheduled a two hour group therapy session for every class on the day we were supposed to go back.
I didn’t want that.
My dad already made me speak to my therapist three times a week since the shooting and I never left there feeling better. On the contrary, each session made me want to go back to my room and bury myself under the covers where I knew no harm could reach me.
The whole town was shaken by what happened two weeks ago. Christian was still detained and awaiting judgment a town away, but my dad had promised himself he would get him the heaviest sentence possible.
And I knew he would.
“Do you think they’re gonna cancel the Winter Fair?” Rory’s voice breaking the comfortable silence that had started to spread caused my hand to stop scribbling on the sketchpad between my legs.
I looked up, a blasé look on my face. “Seriously?”
“What? It’s a fair question.”
Of course it was, I forgot how young she was sometimes. Aurora was so mature and soft spoken, she never asked for anything and kept to herself. One thing she loved though, like all kids, was the Winter Fair.
It was Ravenbridge’s biggest event, the one thing both Northies and Southies loved equally and could agree on. Younger generations, mine included, spent all evenings there during the three weeks it was in town. We’d had a blast last year with the girls and I seriously doubted the mayor or his office would cancel it this year. If anything, it was the one thing that could bring up spirits lately.
“Doubt it. Although, to be fair, I don’t know if I’m in the right headspace to attend this year.”
Rory frowned, “Are you really doing better, Nova? Or is it just what you tell dad so he doesn’t freak out.”
The question caught me off guard. Rory was my best friend and closest confidante, despite our age difference, but even she had never dared ask about my mental state so boldly. I knew that she knew I often put on a front so as to not alarm our dad, but we never spoke about it. It was like a silent agreement of sorts.
“You’ve been seeing her again, haven’t you?” She accused softly and my hands clamped tightly around the notepad. “Mrs Diaz’s death, did it… bring back unwanted memories? Of her?”
I almost laughed at that. I had heard and felt my favorite teacher die—no, get killed mere feet away from me, so her question made sense. Of course it was bound to bring back things that I’d rather stayed buried deep within my subconscious.
But the truth was, those memories never left.
How could they? You don’t forget the face of your dead mother after she killed herself. You don’t forget her bulging eyes staring you down or the way her soft, glowing, light brown skin had turned all gray, ashy and blistered.
Of course I’d been seeing her.
She never left me alone.
I opened my mouth but a knock on my door made me swallow the words that were about to come out. Dad’s face appeared after he opened it, his eyes moving from Rory to me.
“Hey, come set the table, dinner is almost ready.” He spoke softly.
Without a word, Rory jumped off my bed and I was about to follow when he stopped me.
“It’s okay, Nova, why don’t you rest some more and I’ll call you when everything is set.”
I looked up, dropping the sketchpad on my bed as my hands turned into small fists from frustration.
Deep down, I knew he was doing what he thought was best for me, to spare me, in a way. But in reality, all it did was make me feel weak. I wasn’t made of glass, and his behavior was only making me feel worse.
My own father thought I wasn’t able to control my emotions, that I would end up like my mom and let them pull me under.
But I wasn’t. I spent years controlling myself, never letting any negative emotion out.
And I was tired of trying to prove myself to someone who would always see me as a reflection of my mother.
Aiden
Getting back to school after what happened two weeks ago was fucking weird, for lack of better word. Everyone seemed on edge, like they were expecting someone else to freak out and start shooting at us anytime soon.
Sitting down with everyone else in the school gym, waiting for the Dean and Mayor to start talking, I couldn’t help the anxiety that made my back muscles tighten. I kept an eye on every emergency exit and on anyone that looked even the slightest bit suspect.
Of course, I couldn’t help myself and my eyes eventually strayed over to the one girl I wanted but couldn’t have.
I’d surprised myself with how I managed to stay away from her the last two weeks. Ever since her dad went psycho on me in his car, I kept my word and stayed far away from Nova. Responding to her texts in such a curt way had me agonizing but I couldn’t risk the fucker finding out I was still talking to her and taking it out on my family.
She sat there, deep in thoughts while her friends spoke around her. Her gaze was lost in the distance, an air of melancholy on her beautiful face. God, what I wouldn’t give to erase it, to talk to her and make her smile, even the slightest bit. Take the anguish away, put my lips on her and taste her one more time.
I was addicted like I knew I’d be. It had already been too long since I last had her.
The sound of the mic screeching brought my attention back to the stage where Mayor Knightsley, Chief Richards and the Dean all stood and stared at us.
For some reason, their wives were sitting down on the front row of the bleachers in front of ours and right behind them. One in particular, Mrs Richards, had her eyes set on me. She stared unabashedly.
To be fair, at first, I didn’t know if she was staring or if she was simply lost in thought. But when her gaze started moving up and down my body, there were no doubts. And it wasn’t the first time either.
My sisters often liked to joke about how she checked me out whenever we stumbled upon her around town. I’d always nipped that idea in the bud, because although she was young, she was still way too old for me, and because I honestly didn’t think she liked me like that. In my opinion, she was just lonely. Mom hated the woman because she too thought Miranda was robbing the cradle.
When she noticed my eyes on her she straightened up and gave me a fake smile that did nothing to hide the deep sadness in her eyes.
She looked away as soon as Dean Lawrence started speaking.
I spaced out, my mind lost between wanting to get the fuck back home or to the gym. I was wound up tight. None of my efforts to find Oscar had led anywhere, he was still missing and although the police had finally agreed to count it as a missing person case on paper, in reality they still weren’t doing enough. They truly believed he and the other three kids had ran away.
From what my brain could gather of what they were saying, Mrs Diaz’s class had been canceled, obviously, and Mr. Kerill, another English teacher, the one that found us hiding in the closet, would resume her class starting next Monday.
Kerill was a nice, middle aged white man who’d become the talk of the town after his wife left him for a younger man last year. From what I’d heard, she had taken their daughter and went to live in the city with the man she had cheated on him with.
I remembered seeing him around school looking dejected and depressed. I liked him as a teacher but in all honesty, the only thing that man gave off was mediocrity. He was nice and patient, everyone loved him, but everyone also felt sorry for him.
“What happened two weeks ago is nothing short of a tragedy. No one should go through what all of you, what this whole town, has been through. We cannot and will not forget the victims and it is in their honor that a vigil will be held this weekend on school grounds.” The mayor stood before us, it was his turn to speak, and I gritted my teeth, mad that he wouldn’t even say their names.
Mad that these fuckers all spoke, one after the other, yet none of them condemned Christian for what he did. Mad that that fucker Sebastian was seated five rows in front of me like nothing happened when I knew for a fact Nova was right and he’d known what was about to happen that day.
“A psychological support unit will be available until the end of the year. Attendance will not be mandatory but we highly advise you to go at least once.” My phone vibrating in my lap had me looking down and my breath got stuck in my throat when I saw who the sender was.
Little Star: Please talk to me.
My stomach churned at the idea of leaving her on read. I looked up and to the side, searching for her, but she wasn’t looking at me, her gaze was back on her phone, clutched firmly between her fingers.
Me: Are you okay?
Little Star: I don’t think so. I don’t want to be here, Aiden.
Weak applause erupted around us as students started getting out of their seats and walking towards the entrance, to their classes. When I looked back at where Nova had been sitting, she wasn’t there anymore, but her friends were, talking quietly and making their way down the bleachers.
The one with the headscarf, Zainab, looked up in time to catch my gaze. Her arm was in a sling, it got broken during the shooting from what I’d heard. Hazel eyes moved over me in a quick once-over and although her lips tightened in annoyance, she gave a half-hearted, barely noticeable nod towards the back entrance, the one that led to the gym’s locker-rooms.
I understood right away and accepted the olive branch by nodding back.
Clasping Julian’s shoulder, I said “I need to piss, I’ll see you guys in class,” before making my way against the tide of leaving students.
I didn’t pay attention to their reaction, or anyone else’s, really, all that mattered to me was to find Nova. Once I pushed open the double doors leading to the locker-rooms, the automatic lights flickered on. All I could hear was the sound of water running, like someone had opened a sink.
I came to a stop in front of the door leading to the girl’s bathroom which was where the sound came from. Light seeped from underneath the door and I just knew that’s where she was.
I stopped for a minute, thinking of what my next move should be. I desperately wanted to go in and check on her, but the conversation I’d had with her dad still echoed inside my head. I knew he was the type of man who kept his word, and if he wanted to make my life —and that of my people— hell, he would.
My heart squeezed as I made up my mind. I was about to turn around and head back to class when I heard them.
Sobs.
They were soft and almost timid, like she didn’t want anyone to hear her despite knowing there wasn’t anyone else in this part of the school. The water still running nearly drowned them out but once I heard them, there was just no way I could turn around.
Without a second thought, I pushed the door open and barged in, eliciting a shocked gasp from Nova. She stood there, clutching the sink and looking at me through the mirror. Her eyes were rimmed with red and tears stained her cheeks. The softest tinge of pink smeared the tip of her nose and spread onto her cheekbones, noticeable because the mirror in front of her had strong, white lights that shone directly onto her face
She held my gaze, chin wobbling, trying to hold back her sobs.
I didn’t think, actually, I’m pretty sure none of us did. I sped towards her at the same time she turned around and rushed towards me. We were silent as I engulfed her in a hug, holding her tight.
None of us said anything as she resumed crying, soaking my black shirt. I didn’t mind one bit. I just wanted her to get it all out so she could feel better. I couldn’t be sure, but she looked like she was about to have some type of panic attack. Her whole body was shaking, exactly like it had that day in the closet. Nova was clutching onto my shirt like her life depended on it, trying to get as close to me as she humanly could, but that didn’t seem to be enough.
Putting my hands on her waist, I hoisted her into my arms and her legs automatically wrapped around my waist. I walked the few steps to the sink where I set her down so that she was sitting, still entangled with me.
My hands wiped her tears while she looked up at me sadly. Even with puffy eyes and a runny nose, she remained the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.
“What’s wrong?” I whispered, still caressing her face.
“Everything feels wrong, Aiden,” came her broken response, “I’ve never felt so alone while being surrounded by so many people.”
I could feel her words piercing my heart.
“I hate death. I know everybody does but I—” she took a deep breath, “I just can’t handle it, having been so close to it, it brings back so many bad memories.”
Tears ran freely along her cheeks, but she wasn’t making a sound, she just closed her eyes and I’d never felt so helpless. Putting my forehead against hers, I closed mine too before pushing myself forward and kissing the tears away. I peppered kisses all over her face until it felt dry enough that I knew she had stopped crying and her body had stopped shaking. Her skin felt warm and soft under my lips and I could have gone on forever. Kissing her, no matter where, felt as natural as breathing: like I was born to do it.
Pulling away, we shared a look, silent, but heavy in meaning as her hands left my shirt to cup my face. She brought me closer to her, until our lips were brushing against one another.
I wanted nothing more than to fucking kiss her, take her lips in mine and taste her again, but I knew it wouldn’t be wise. So I pushed her away as softly as I could and took her hand instead.
“Come on.”
Her hand in mine, I started walking towards the exit. She leaped down from where she was sitting and followed me, looking confused. I decided to take mercy on her and enlighten her.
“We’re getting the fuck out of here. Ever ditched classes, little star?”