Friends With All the Benefits

12 Ellie

I agreed to go out on a date with one of the guys I matched with on the app. His name was Matt. He seemed like a nice guy when we chatted. He worked downtown and we arranged to meet for coffee after work. It was a bit of a drive to get from work to the city centre, but I made it in good time, and now I waited outside the Nescafe Boutique on the pedestrian mall, just like my date asked me to. I assumed my date chose the location because it was close to his workplace and a recognisable landmark, and we would probably head off to one of the fancier cafes in the area for coffee and a chat; this would be a nice, low commitment date that would let us get to know one another before deciding on anything more.

I needed a long-overdue distraction from my feelings for Ethan. I had been told that dating apps were used more for hookups than actual dating nowadays, and it was exactly what I told myself I was looking for. Something quick. Something meaningless. Nothing more.

Matt arrived outside the store right on time. He had a pleasant face and equally pleasant manners.

“I’m really glad you agreed to meet me, Ellie,” he beamed at me and pulled me into a hug that lasted just a tad too long. “Is Ellie short for Eleanor? Or just Ellie?”

“Eleanor,” I replied. My parents liked old-fashioned names. “But I go by Ellie.”

“Hmm. Eleanor is much more elegant though,” Matt murmured, then gestured into the store. I wanted to ask him why he didn’t go by Matthew then, but he led me into the store before I had a chance. “Come on,” he told me, “Let’s head in before they close.”

That would be in twenty minutes’ time.

Matt led me to the free coffee-tasting bar and motioned for me to pick my coffee capsules. I was confused, but I went along with it and picked a decaf one. Matt popped it into the coffee machine and handed me the coffee when it was done.

“Are you looking to buy a machine?” I asked him.

“Oh no,” he said. “We’re just here for coffee.”

A thought occurred to me, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to voice it just yet.

“Won’t that spoil your appetite for later, if we’re heading to a café after this?” I remarked gingerly.

Now it was Matt’s turn to look confused. “Café? What would we go to a café for? I’m not paying for coffee when I can get it free here.”

That confirmed all my suspicions. “Oh, so this is our date then.”

Matt beamed. “Ingenious, isn’t it?”

He made himself comfortable on one of the store’s stools and motioned for me to sit down. I did, but I felt stiff as hell doing so.

“So, Eleanor—”

“Call me Ellie,” I insisted.

“Eleanor,” Matt ignored me. “Want to come back to my place after this?”

Before I could answer, a store attendant came by and asked, “Can I help you with anything?”

Matt shook his head. “No need, thank you. We’re just here for the coffee.”

If the store attendant had any thoughts about that, he politely kept it to himself. “Of course. Please enjoy. And no rush, but this is just a reminder that the store will be closing in fifteen minutes.”

Matt just beamed at the attendant and thanked him again. At least he was polite about it. I wanted to die of mortification.

When we were finally alone again, Matt repeated his earlier question. “So, given that we need to clear out soon, do you fancy heading to my place? I have a nice apartment nearby. We could continue the rest of our date there.”

Okay. So maybe the date was salvageable after all.

“And we can get to know each other better there?” I ventured.

“We absolutely will.” The leer Matt gave me left me with no doubt about what was on his mind.

The sound of screeching tyres rang out in my head, followed by the revving engine of a car doing a sharp U-turn.

I had hoped to find a guy I could hook up with by going on these dates. I had been hopeful about Matt, but his cheapness and lack of shame were huge turn-offs. It wasn’t that I expected to be wined and dined; I just expected a little more respect and consideration from the guy before I decided to get intimate with him. Someone who refused to call me by the name I told him to and who thought that the free coffee counter at the Nescafe Boutique was an adequate date was not someone who felt like he respected me at all.

“Oh? What did you have in mind?” I asked, even as I planned my exit.

“You know. You. Me. Fucking. That’s why you’re on the app, I presume. You look like you could do with a good lay, even though you do look a bit virginal.” The appraising look Matt gave me made my stomach curl.

Virginal? Me? I might be preppy, but that didn’t mean I was one, not that it should ever matter in the first place. On the other hand, if Matt approached every woman he dated like this, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was one.

“I mean, you’re maybe a seven out of ten, but hey, I’m not the kind of guy who cares about such shallow things. I promise I’m a good lover, and I’ll make it good for you.” He looked so smug as said that, as if he was awarding me some prize instead of an insult.

That comment about my looks hit right where it hurt. I had my insecurities, and that was my largest, rawest one.

Okay. It was time to get into the imaginary fleeing car in my head. I got off the stool and grabbed my handbag. My mouth was stretched out in a smile, but the edges weren’t quite high enough. “It was nice to meet you, Matt, but I don’t think we’re a good match. I do wish you all the best in the future.”

Matt looked gobsmacked. “But…why? Is it because I didn’t buy you a coffee? I didn’t expect you to be such a gold digger.”

That got a snort from me. “No, Matt, I can buy myself a coffee.” More like a stiff drink after this shamble of a date.

“Surely you can’t do better than me. It’s not like you have men lining up to date you.” Now the gloves came off. Matt wasn’t happy at being rejected so soon into this so-called date.

Now that, I recognised easily. He was negging me, trying to convince me that I couldn’t do better than him. I had seen it firsthand in how Andy talked to both me and Nat. I recognised it rearing its ugly head in Matt and I didn’t like it one bit.

I shook my head. “You’re just the first guy on the app I’ve decided to meet. There’s more.” Then I couldn’t help throwing in, “A lot more.”

Five more, in fact. But I was realistic about my chances of finding someone nice I could see myself with long term. Statistically, there were more men than women on dating apps. The odds were stacked in my favour. Even so, not every guy would turn out to be a catch, just like this date with Matt proved.

Matt’s face blanched.

“But…I’m a nice guy.”

“I’m sure you are,” I soothed him. “But you can’t go around putting people down while you try and compliment them. That’s not very nice at all. Nor is it very respectful.”

I had years of perfecting my disappointed schoolmarm look at work, one that worked wonders in maintaining my team’s discipline at work, and right now, I pulled it out with all guns blazing. It worked well enough, and Matt appeared suitably chastened.

There wasn’t much else to say after that. I hightailed it to my car and drove home.

When I got back, Ethan was watching TV in the living room. He raised his eyebrows when he saw me walk in at a reasonable hour. Alone.

“How’d your date go?”

I shook my head and made a face. “He took me to coffee. At the Nespresso free coffee bar.”

Ethan exploded in a bark of laughter, then kept on laughing so hard he ended up bent over and wheezing.

“Hah!” He tried to get the words out in between fits of laughter. “I’ve heard of cheapskates, but that one takes the cake!”

“And then he called me a seven out of ten and told me I couldn’t do better than sleep with him,” I found myself telling the rest of it to Ethan.

“ What? ” That stopped Ethan’s laughter. “That bastard.”

I shrugged. “A seven is an upgrade. Andy called me a six and a half.”

All traces of humour had fled Ethan’s face. His expression was furious. “I’ll break their noses for you, Ellie. I swear I will. Just promise me you’ll bail me out of jail when I do so.”

I was oddly touched by Ethan’s promise of violence, but I doubted he was serious. “There’s no need for that but thank you.”

“I hope you’re not seeing that guy again. You’re wasted on someone like him,” Ethan hissed.

“Of course not. I have standards.”

“Good,” Ethan gave me a satisfied nod. “And remember, all you have to do is say the word, and I’ll end them.”

The look on his face almost made me believe him.

~

I would be lying if I said that Matt’s words didn’t have some effect on me. Intellectually, I knew the awful things he said were more a reflection of him than of me, but his telling me that I wasn’t good enough still hit where it hurt.

I had always known I wasn’t good enough. As a kid, I overheard my parents say it was unfortunate I wasn’t a pretty child, but I was a smart one so I would be all right. Nat had shared with me once that even her mum called me “that plain friend” like it was a good thing because it meant that I would never outshine her daughter.

I knew I was plain. I knew I had more work to do to make myself look attractive and I put in the work. I learned about good skincare. I learned how to wear makeup. I learned how to manage and style my wavy hair, putting an end to the perpetual frizz of my youth. I started going to the gym and the personal trainer I hired fixed my posture through good lifting stances. All that resulted in me looking so much better than the gangly, awkward younger me. I couldn’t pull off beautiful, but I could absolutely do well put together.

Then I met a loser like Matt and all that felt like it still wasn’t enough.

I stared at my dating profile for ages, wondering what I should change to make myself seem more attractive. I couldn’t find anything more to add, and I couldn’t bring myself to lie, so my profile remained the same. I had five other guys in my chat inbox, but right now, I couldn’t bring myself to read their messages. Maybe I shouldn’t have bothered trying to date. I didn’t think I could handle yet another person making me feel like I was barely enough.

~

T he next morning, I groggily walked into the kitchen to find a takeaway cup of coffee waiting for me on the kitchen counter. A brown paper bag sat next to it. Ethan sat at the end of the counter slowly sipping from another takeaway cup, eating what looked like an almond croissant out of another brown paper bag.

“I got you breakfast, Ellie.” He put down his croissant and smiled at me.

“Oh. Thank you.” I blinked several times. I had fallen asleep in a depressed funk, and I was still in the same funk when I woke up. Ethan’s little act of kindness almost undid me.

I took a sip of the coffee to find he got me my usual flat white. Then I opened my brown paper bag to find the morning bun I liked so much from the bakery. Ethan remembered. Something inside my chest tightened.

“Don’t let that guy ruin things for you. You’re a great girl, and someone out there will be lucky to have you,” he told me. Then he finished his croissant and left to take a shower. I watched him go wistfully.

He was just so sweet it hurt. This could not end well at all.

I fished my phone out of my pyjama pocket. I needed to brave the dating app’s inbox. Operation Get Over Ethan had to continue. My heart couldn’t afford not to do so.