18 Ellie
W hat the hell?
What the hell!?
Rafe just stood me up for our date. He had a very good reason to. And then Ethan stepped in and made me come on his hand.
What the hell!?
He had his hand up my skirt, touching me in places I never thought he’d want to ever come near. And he had his fingers in me. Pumping me. Curled in me. Blasting me until I couldn’t think any longer.
Of all the times I had thought of him holding me, I had never thought it could be like that. Ethan had left me satisfied last night, and yet, what he did awakened something slumbering in me. Every time I closed my eyes, I felt his touch on me again. I remembered his own arousal pressing against my back and my whole body burned all over again.
Afterwards, I offered to return the favour, to maybe suck him off or stroke him off, and if I got really lucky, actually fuck him. He looked like he was turned on by what just happened. His hardness pressed against me certainly told me so. I thought we would go further.
Then he turned me down and fled into his room, locking the door behind him. I had never been more mortified in my life.
He was happy to get me off because I told him I needed it, but he didn’t want anything else.
Of course he didn’t. It was me. Why would he want me?
~
T he next morning, I didn’t run into Ethan in the kitchen at all. I only heard him pop out when I went into the shower. Figured. He regretted it and was now avoiding me. Work was a welcome distraction. I dreaded going home, so I ended up staying out for dinner. Today was flexible dinner day, so neither Ethan nor I were scheduled to cook, which worked out perfectly for me.
After dinner, I didn’t drive home immediately. Instead, I went to the nearby beach, kicked my shoes off and walked around on the sand wondering how long I needed to stay out until Ethan retired to his room and I could sneak inside without seeing him.
What did one say to someone who had his fingers in me then rejected me after?
Thanks for the experience? I already did that, and he told me I was welcome.
Let’s never do that again even though I really wanted to? He probably wanted to wipe the memory from his mind and never talk about it again.
No. I couldn’t avoid Ethan forever. Not when I lived with him.
It was time to put my big girl panties on and not wet it when I thought of his fingers in me. It was time to go home.
~
E than was waiting for me when I got home. I had barely unlocked the front door when it flung open, Ethan on the other side.
“Ellie, I thought you were avoiding me.”
I glared at him. He was the one who snuck out this morning. “It felt more like you were avoiding me.”
His guilty expression told me all I needed to know.
Time to get it over with.
We moved into the back of the house, into the kitchen.
“We need to talk about what happened yesterday.” There. I said it because it needed to be said.
Ethan’s eyes darkened, and then he stopped and leaned himself against a wall. “I agree.”
“Maybe you needed to blow off steam, maybe you were just doing me a kindness…” I began, rambling nervously.
“Ellie.” Ethan stopped me. “Just so we’re clear, I don’t usually do this. I’ve never…until last night.”
“Me neither.” I knew I had told myself I was looking for exactly something like this with the revolving door of men I had met on the dating app, but I could never bring myself to go that far in the end. I knew that people called me a good, sensible girl, and at the end of the day, I couldn’t help being one. Telling a guy, any guy, that I needed a good fuck, asking Ethan if he could help me with it, letting him put his hands on me, in me was not something I usually did.
Ethan’s eyes softened. “I know you don’t, Ellie. Which is why I’m glad we’re talking about it.”
Oh?
“I find you very attractive,” Ethan continued, his voice lowering. “So attractive it’s damn distracting.”
Well, his frenzied fingerbanging of me didn’t really leave much room for doubt last night, although I had plenty today. Now he was telling me it was real. My chest swelled. He found me attractive. Plain, boring me attractive.
Ethan seemed to read my thoughts. “You’re not as plain as you think you are, Ellie. You’re so fucking sexy in that restrained, sensual librarian kind of way, and you know it.”
I didn’t, but when Ethan spoke, I almost believed it.
“But.” He pulled himself upright, his voice turned serious, “I don’t have feelings for you.”
He was telling me nothing I didn’t already know but hearing it out loud still felt like a stab to the gut. Ethan watched me carefully. I gave him nothing back. I held it all in like I always did. He didn’t ever need to know how I felt about him, and it was for the best.
“I don’t want to h—” Ethan continued.
He didn’t want to have sex with me. Of course he didn’t want to.
“I know you don’t. Whatever happened last night was all physical. Nothing more,” I cut in. “I am aware, and that’s perfectly fine by me.” It was the only explanation that made sense on his end.
“Is it, Ellie?” There was concern in his voice.
“Why wouldn’t it be?”
“Because…” Ethan’s lips tightened. Oh no, he was going to address the elephant in the room, wasn’t he? I was hoping he was still ignorant but given that all our friends knew how I felt about him, I doubted Ethan could remain blissfully oblivious. I didn’t want to even go there, but it appeared that Ethan was barrelling towards the elephant at full speed.
“Because I know you have feelings for me,” he ground out. “And I don’t want to hurt you, Ellie. You’re a good friend…”
“Let me stop you right there.” I held my palm up. “I had feelings for you, a long time ago. But it was a little crush, and it’s old news.”
“So you don’t anymore?” Relief seemed to wash across Ethan’s face. That hurt, but I had expected it.
“Nope,” I assured him, and I was absolutely lying, but what else could I say? I couldn’t just blurt out that living with him made me fall even more in love with him, that him touching me had been so damn good and I really wanted to do it again. He’d run screaming for the hills and we lived really far from the hills.
“Not at all. We’re both consenting adults here. It was a bit of fun. That’s what I wanted to tell you.”
Ethan looked really relieved, and a part of my heart clenched in pain. It was one thing to tell myself my feelings were one-sided; it was another to see Ethan confirm it so clearly.
“Good,” he breathed. “Because I want to talk about what’s next.”
“We file it away as a nice memory and don’t do it again?” I offered cheerfully.
“That’s the problem, Ellie. I want to do it again.” His voice was husky, and he looked at me like he was burning up. For me. The thought made me giddy. Ethan leaned forward and continued, “I want to do more than that. But I need to make sure you’re okay with it. That we both know that it’s just physical. Nothing more.”
My heart screamed as if it was being shredded into a million pieces. My body fired up at his words, needy and ready for more of him.
“Like friends with benefits? Roommates with benefits?” I whispered.
“Yes. Just friends, but with benefits. No feelings, no complications.”
I pursed my lips, even as my heart battered at my brain, telling me it was a terrible idea. That I would get hurt. I shoved my heart aside and let my body take over. It was a terrible idea, but I wanted Ethan too much.
I told myself I that was a sensible woman. That I could always stop if it went too far. That Ethan was a good man, and he would let me stop if it went too far.
So I looked into his eyes and replied, “Okay.”
Ethan’s eyes grew dark. “Good,” he said, then his arms wrapped around me and hoisted me up onto the kitchen countertop.
I yelped, but he had already started unbuttoning my blouse.
“Damn it, Ellie. The way you dress, the way you move, it makes me want to tear it all apart.”
The way he said it sent a shiver through my whole body. I couldn’t wait for him to do so.
He finished with the last button and flung my blouse wide open, then he pushed my bra away from my breasts, baring them to him. A satisfied rumble left his chest as he surveyed my naked torso.
“So damn pretty. I’m going to enjoy playing with these.” Then his large hands proceeded to do just that, palming and kneading my breasts, pinching and rubbing my nipples until I was breathless. A hand dropped to my skirt and hiked it up all the way up my waist. He grabbed my ass and lifted me with ease as he pulled my panties down.
“You can tell me to stop anytime, Ellie. Make sure you do if you need to.”
“I don’t want you to stop at all,” I whispered back.
“Even so, if you do, I will always, always stop,” he promised.
He pushed my knees apart, baring me to him. An evil grin lit up his face. Then he knelt down and pressed his face into my thighs, slowly tracing his way towards my centre with his tongue until he found my sensitive clit, my already wet folds. He ran his tongue over it all, and I cried from just how overwhelming it was. I had to brace myself on the kitchen counter as my hips arched towards him.
This was everything I never thought I could have with the man I wanted more than anything in the world. I knew he didn’t feel the same way about me, but right now, I didn’t care. He wanted my body, and I would give everything to him, just to feel him take me.
My reaction seemed to turn him on even more and he stopped taking his time. He licked me, sucked me, invaded me with his mouth. Then when he went back to worshipping my clit, I felt two warm, strong fingers slide into me, just like they did last night. Then he started thrusting in me and my mind went blank.
He made me come right on the kitchen countertop and I convinced myself that this would turn out perfectly fine. Nothing else registered after that. Nothing at all, until I opened my eyes and found him staring at me with his dark, dangerous eyes.
“Last chance to tell me to stop, Ellie, because I’m going to fuck you.”
His face was closer to mine than it had ever been. His lips were wet from my arousal. I could smell my musk on his lips.
“I think we’re a bit too far gone to stop, don’t you?” I breathed. There was no way I wanted him to stop.
“I need to hear you say it, Ellie.”
Desire and emotion welled up in my chest, overwhelming me. All I could do was nod in response.
“Say it out loud, Ellie, so I know you’re okay with it.” Ethan’s voice turned low, gentle.
I took a deep breath, then said, “I want you to fuck m—”
Before I could finish, my handbag, which I had placed on the kitchen countertop and completely forgotten about started buzzing furiously. Someone was calling my phone.
The look Ethan gave it would have burned my handbag to ash if it could.
“Ignore it. Fuck me.” I shoved my handbag aside and turned back to stare at Ethan. The buzzing stopped, and Ethan expelled a relieved breath. His hands went to undo his belt buckle when the buzzing started up again. This time, we both ignored it. Ethan pushed his pants and underwear down, revealing his erect cock. It stood furious and twitching, veiny and so much thicker than I thought it would be. My breath hitched as he moved it to my opening. This was it. I was finally going to have him.
Ethan caught me staring and his face lit up in a satisfied smile. “Like what you see? Do you want me inside you, Ellie?”
“Oh God, yes please.” I was too turned on to be embarrassed at how needy I was for him, not when I had Ethan exactly where I wanted him.
The phone buzzing stopped, then started again.
Ethan swore then pulled his body away from mine. “You’d better take it, Ellie. Whoever it is isn’t going to stop calling. It could be an emergency.”
I felt as frustrated as he looked, but I reached into my handbag and took out my phone.
“It’s Nat’s mother,” I looked at my phone screen and sighed. “I don’t know what this is about, but I have to take it.”
Ethan just nodded. He helped me off the kitchen counter, then pulled his pants back up. I was still half dressed, but it didn’t matter. I took the phone and walked into my room with it.
~
I answered the phone and put the phone on speaker so I could change. “Hello, Mrs Bancroft.”
“Hello, Ellie. How are you doing?” Her voice was polite as usual.
“I’m good, thank you.” What else could I say to that question?
“I’m just wondering why you’ve stopped paying rent into the rent account.” There was a slight accusatory tone to Nat’s mother’s voice. Nat’s parents had gifted her the apartment, but when I lived with her, I still paid rent into an account she shared with her parents. The rent was meant to go towards the upkeep of the apartment, including strata and maintenance costs. I had stopped putting money into it when I moved out. The fact that Nat’s mother was asking about it was strange. Nat usually shared everything with her mother.
I took a deep breath and said, “I moved out more than three months ago.”
There was silence on the other end of the line. Finally, Mrs Bancroft said, “Nat hasn’t told me anything at all. Why did you move out, Ellie? You always looked after my Nat. I don’t know how she’ll cope without you.”
Very well, I’d expect. After all, she had Andy and everything she wanted with no know-it-all ex-best friend being disapproving and getting in the way.
“We had a falling out.” My voice was hollow. I had been a part of Nat’s life for so long, the news was going to get out eventually anyway. Nat’s mother would surely take her side. I at least hoped the conversation would remain civil.
“That’s a surprise… Did you choose to move out?”
“No. Nat asked me to leave.”
There was a pause on the other end of the line, then Mrs Bancroft said, “I see.”
Even if Mrs Bancroft didn’t say anymore, I suspected she blamed me for it. After all, Nat was her golden child who could do no wrong.
But to my surprise, the next thing Mrs Bancroft said was, “I’m sorry she kicked you out. I’ve read the reports of how the rental market is stuffed over west nowadays. I hope you weren’t too affected by it.”
If Ethan didn’t have an opening for a housemate, I shuddered to think where I would have ended up, and how much I would have ended up paying for the privilege. The rent on this cottage was surprisingly reasonable given the current state of the rental market, and the landlord could have charged more if she wanted to.
“I hope you two patch things up soon,” she continued. “You’ve always been a good friend to my daughter.”
“Thank you. But I don’t think Nat wants to see or talk to me any longer. Besides, Andy is living with her now.”
There was another pause, followed by a sharp breath on the other end of the line, then Mrs Bancroft sighed, “I didn’t know that. Nat never told me.”
“I’m sure she’ll tell you all about it the next time you speak to her.” Then Nat could paint me as an interfering harpy to her mother all she wanted. It was her prerogative. It wasn’t as if I would have anything to do with Nat or her family after this phone call.
“If you don’t mind, I’d like to hear your side of the story. Please.”
Oh?
“I have my reservations about her marrying Andy, and I told her why,” I replied, glazing over the details. It was no longer relevant anyway. “I might have been a bit too confrontational with my delivery, and Nat didn’t take it well.”
Mrs Bancroft sighed, “Nat never does.”
“I’m sorry I hurt Nat. I should have been more supportive of her relationship with Andy, no matter what he was like, especially since they’re engaged now.”
Mrs Bancroft sighed, then unexpectedly said, “I never had a good feeling about that man, but Nat was dead set on being with him. She didn’t tell me he moved into the apartment. I would have made him sign a proper tenancy contract. We never needed one with you because we trust you. Nat may trust him, but I don’t. You’ve been around him long enough. Tell me, Ellie, what were your concerns with him?”
I didn’t give her the details earlier. It didn’t seem fair to Nat to air my biases, especially since she had such a strong reaction to them. But now I told Nat’s mother everything, from how controlling he was to my suspicions about Hayleigh.
“If he’s been staying there since you moved out, he hasn’t been paying rent. At least not to the shared account. You’ve always been a good, sensible girl. She should have listened to you. I hope Nat knows what she’s doing with him.” Mrs Bancroft’s voice was brittle. She wasn’t happy at all.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry, Ellie. Are you okay? Nat should never have kicked you out. I think she knows that, otherwise I wouldn’t be hearing it from you after months of silence from her.” There was concern in Mrs Bancroft’s voice. Disappointment too, but at Nat, not at me.
“I’ve found another place. I’m okay.”
Nat’s mum asked where I was living now. She was pleased to hear I liked my new place, and even more pleased to hear it was in a beachside suburb. Even she had heard of Fremantle over east. Then she asked about my work. There was pride in her voice when I told her I had just been promoted again at work.
For the first time, I could hear warmth and motherliness in Nat’s mother’s voice. I had always been around Nat our entire childhood. Nat’s mother had always thought of me as that “hanger-on kid.”
All my childhood, my parents hadn’t wanted me. I had been an oops child, disrupting their plans for their own lives. Nat’s mother didn’t want me either, but that I understood. I wasn’t hers. She kept me at a polite distance my entire childhood. Over time, her suspicion had become tolerance as I did my absolute best to show I was no leech, that I was a good student, a hardworking student who always paid my own way, and most importantly, a good and helpful friend to Nat. Deep down, I wanted her affection too, but I never got it.
Now, when I had moved far away, when I was no longer Nat’s friend, she finally offered everything I had ever wanted from a parental figure.
“You’ve always been a good friend to Nat. I’m so sorry she treated you that way.”
I didn’t tell her that maybe if she valued me more as Nat’s friend in the past, her daughter might have done the same thing. It wasn’t fair to say that. Not now. Not when Nat was an adult who could make her own choices.
“Please tell Nat to call me. I’m worried about her.”
“She probably won’t want to see me, but I’ll do my best.”
“I know you will. Thank you.”
The call ended. I walked back out of my room. Ethan was waiting for me in the kitchen with a hungry look on his face, and he frowned when he saw me dressed in my oversized sweatshirt and sweatpants. Any previous desire had been washed away by my conversation with Nat’s mother. I couldn’t think about sex with him right now, so I just shook my head and recounted the conversation to him.
“Her mother’s worried about her. She hasn’t been answering her family’s calls. I think I have to contact her, to at least tell her to call her mother back.”
Ethan frowned. “Not right now, I hope. It’s already dark outside.”
I shook my head. “I was thinking of swinging by her workplace after work tomorrow and leaving a note addressed to her in the office letterbox.”
“I get a note, given Nat’s blocked your number. But what about using my phone to call her or even text her? Or just dropping the note off at your old place.”
“I don’t trust Andy to not intercept the message. He used to be all over her phone when I still lived with Nat.” That was one of his waving red flags. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had some say over who she received calls from, her mother included. “He’s got no control over her workplace, and I don’t have to see her in person if I drop the note off after hours.”
“You didn’t mention that Andy controlled her phone.” Ethan looked shocked.
I shrugged. “He doesn’t really. He just demands to check it all the time, and he gets really shirty whenever she gets a call or a message. It got quite irritating. Remember I told you he was insanely jealous?”
Ethan just let out a sound that was a cross between a snort and a grunt.
“I guess nothing’s happening tonight after all.” His eyes fell on my baggy clothes.
I wanted to, but right now, I couldn’t get into the right headspace. Talking, even thinking about Nat always sent my head into a spin.
“Sorry.”
“Next time, then.”
“Next time.”