25 Ethan
I finally managed to sneak out of Ellie’s room when we heard the shower running.
Thinking about Ellie’s list of what she wanted in a date slash boyfriend made me chuckle. I couldn’t help it; she was too cute. But she had the right idea. She didn’t undervalue herself, and I was glad she didn’t. She deserved everything she put on that list and more, and what she deserved wasn’t me.
The two points on her list that gave me pause were the ones that read, “Will never lie to me,” and “In love with me.” When I saw those two points, my stomach churned.
I was still lying to her about being her landlord. At first, it felt like the most sensible thing to do. Prevented housemate drama and all. But the longer I spent with Ellie, the closer we got, it felt more and more like something I should have told her. But I didn’t. Now it felt like something that had spun out of control, something that I couldn’t tell her without breaking what this was between us.
But the next point gave me pause. Ellie wanted someone who would love her, and I didn’t love her. Mind-blowing sex aside, she was a damn good friend, but that was all she was to me. Ellie wasn’t usually the hookup kind of girl, and I had known she would always want more someday, whether it be from me or from someone else. The longer we did this, the more it started to seem like a terrible idea. Callum was right. When that day came, I was going to hurt Ellie, and that would cost me my friendship with her, and I didn’t want to risk losing her friendship.
I left the house slightly later than I wanted that morning. Nat staying with us ended up making the wait for the one bathroom longer than it usually was. Ellie and I had been good with our timing, and later, when we started sleeping together, we got comfortable with wandering in when the other person was in the bathroom, and that saved us a heap of time. We could no longer do that with our extra houseguest. I would be late for work, but that was okay because my workplace allowed for flexible hours as long as I made up for it.
I walked out of the front gate, and suddenly felt a warm, furry thing collide with my shins.
What the hell?
I looked down to see a small fluffy white thing, a white maltese shitzu poodle cross lapdog of some kind, look up at me with large baleful eyes because I had just kicked it. Then it yelped the world’s most pitiful yelp. “ How could you?” it seemed to say.
Another point on Ellie’s list immediately sprang to mind. “ Does not kick animals…”
Did it count if the dog kicked itself using my leg? In my defence, it crashed into me first.
“I’m so sorry. Come back here, Tofu. Fu-fu, come back here. Tofu!” A young couple who lived a few doors down from us called after the dog. “Sorry about that. She got away from us while we were leashing her.”
They managed to get their runaway canine back and away from my legs, leaving me with an impending sense of dread. I liked Ellie a lot. I really did. But Ellie was a good girl, and she deserved so much better than what I had been giving to her.
Callum’s warning to me about things not ending well until I sorted things out with Ellie echoed in my head. But Ellie didn’t want me that way. And with me lying about owning the house this entire time, whatever precious thing our friendship had become might not survive when she found out.
~
W ork was busy as usual that morning, and it took my mind off things at home. Then during my lunch break, I was watching the work kitchen microwave heat up my lunch when Kenneth from the next department over sidled up to me and said, “Have you heard the good news?”
“What good news?”
“Renae’s coming back,” Kenneth grinned cheerfully. He was one of the many guys on the floor who vied for Renae’s attention when she was still based here.
A weird feeling churned in my gut. “She is? How? I thought she liked Melbourne.”
“She did, but my boss told me that Sally felt that it was selfish of her to hoard Renae as her assistant, especially when she was so close to retirement. She encouraged Renae to go for a promotion, and Renae got it. She’s coming back to take up a managerial role in a few weeks. I’ve already applied to transfer to her team.”
Hah. If Kenneth wanted to date Renae, working under her would be the dumbest thing he could do. Renae would never entertain anything unprofessional between her and a direct report.
Months ago, I would have been ecstatic at the news. It was my second chance to try again with Renae. Now, I realised I didn’t want to. Not when I had Ellie at home.
~
I told Ellie about Renae’s return when I got home that day. I told her everything nowadays.
“You must be happy to hear she’s coming back,” Ellie smiled cheerfully at me. Her expression was as steady as it always was. She didn’t look bothered at all. Somehow, that bothered me. A part of me wanted her to get angry, to get jealous and tell me that there was no way I was allowed to ask Renae out. I wanted her to rail that this thing between us meant something more, but she didn’t. We made no promises to each other, except the one where we agreed that what we did—what we were doing—wouldn’t mean a thing. I had told her it didn’t mean a thing, but now, I was second-guessing myself.
“It’s good for her career,” I said carefully, watching Ellie the entire time.
“You should ask her out when she gets back.” Ellie’s sunniness never faded.
“Do you want me to ask her out?” I demanded, feeling surprisingly irritated at her cheeriness.
“You’ve wanted to for so long. It’s your second chance. Besides, if you don’t, you’ll never know what might happen.”
Ellie remained calm and collected. She had told me months ago that she no longer had feelings for me, but in the little moments we spent together, I wondered otherwise. The way she looked at me when I fucked her, the way her face lit up when I came home from work, the way she smiled at me every time I did something nice for her… In those moments, I almost believed that she was still in love with me, and I felt like a downright bastard because I didn’t feel the same way.
Instead, the news did nothing to Ellie at all. I had been wrong. Ellie was just a good friend. One who was dynamite in my bed. So why did it bother me that Ellie took the news of Renae’s return in such good stride?
“You’re such a good wingwoman, Ellie. When Renae and I get married, you need to be my groomswoman. You and Callum can fight it out for the spot of best man or best woman.”
I baited Ellie on purpose. I knew it was an asshole thing to do, but I wanted to know if my gut had been right, that she still felt something for me under her steady facade. I wanted her to tell me not to see Renae.
Come on Ellie. Give me a reason not to.
Instead, Ellie choked with laughter before patting my hand. “You’ve wanted this for so long, Ethan. I hope things go well with her. You deserve every happiness.”
Nothing ruffled Ellie at all. Instead, she was being the best friend I could ever ask for. It hit me then how unfair I was being to her, even if she didn’t know it. I couldn’t give her a reason to tell me not to, so I had no right to expect her to. Not that she would in the first place. Ellie was always too good a girl for that.
Too good for me.