26 Ellie
T his thing with Ethan was coming to an end. I just didn’t expect it to happen so soon. The girl of his dreams coming back to town was a cold, harsh reminder that Ethan’s heart lay elsewhere. Even if Renae turned him down, it was clear that Ethan really didn’t have feelings for me, and I realised that I couldn’t do this anymore.
I choked when Ethan joked about making me his groomswoman, but managed to disguise it as hollow laughter. Somehow, I didn’t think any bride-to-be of his would appreciate having his ex-fling—if I could even be called that—in their wedding party.
I couldn’t keep sleeping with him and loving him, knowing it meant nothing on his end. And if he really ended up dating Renae or anyone else, I knew it would kill me to watch them together. I had done the stupid thing and let things with Ethan get too far, and I had no one to blame but myself when he broke my heart. He had only ever been clear that our hooking up didn’t mean a thing, and his joking so easily about marrying Renae only drove the point home even more.
For my own sake, I had to pull back. I had to get over Ethan, no matter what.
Bit by bit, I started building walls in my heart. Nat moving in made it so much easier.
There were walls between me and Nat now too. I had forgiven her for how she had treated me, but I hadn’t forgotten. Now that she was crashing on the cottage’s sofa, we were able to spend time together like we used to. She sought me out for meals, for small talk, for company. The entire time, I still didn’t tell her about Ethan and me. The ease with telling each other everything was gone, and it had been gone long before Nat kicked me out of our old home. I had been walking around eggshells around her for so long that any trust I had in her being a safe space had long disappeared.
“Ethan’s a good guy, isn’t he?” Nat brought up one weekend. Ethan was out trail running with his friends, and Nat and I were spending a lazy Sunday morning at home.
“He is.” I wondered where Nat was going with this. Had she noticed something was going on between Ethan and me?
“And he’s single?”
My throat caught. “Yes.” Technically, he was. We made no promises to each other. But things might change with Renae’s homecoming.
“You don’t still have feelings for him, do you?” Before I could answer, Nat continued, “Of course you do. But you’ve been living together for so long and nothing’s happened, so it’s obviously one-sided. Ethan’s good-looking. He’s in a good job, and he can probably afford his own place if he wants to. He’s stable, and more importantly, he’s nice. I never realised just how much of a jerk Andy was until now. Ethan is the perfect solution to all my problems.”
I felt anger rise in me, red hot, but I deftly kept it under wraps. “Where are you going with this, Nat?”
“I remember how Ethan used to look at me.” Her eyes softened, recalling the memory of when she and I first met Ethan. I remembered how Ethan used to look at her too. He had all but dismissed me for her that first night we met. Nat licked her lips and declared, “I’m going to make my move on him when he gets home later.”
I nearly scoffed but stopped myself. I should have been jealous, but instead, I felt affronted that Nat just saw Ethan as her meal ticket out of trouble.
“Oh, Ellie, imagine if Ethan and I got together.” There were stars in Nat’s eyes. “I can move off the sofa into the master with him, and you’ll still be here, and we’ll all get to live happily ever after—my best friend and my boyfriend under one roof.”
I wanted to ask Nat what she was smoking, but the look in her eyes told me she was deathly serious. And when she called me her best friend…something felt cold inside me.
“Then good luck,” I told her. “But don’t expect too much from Ethan. He’s his own man. He’s more than your way out. He deserves someone who makes him happy.”
Nat completely missed my point. “Don’t worry about me, Ellie. I know I used to be terribly shy with men, but I know how they’ve always wanted me. It’s time I started going after what I want with what’s given to me.”
On one hand, good on Nat for finally developing some self-confidence and motivation. On the other hand, it wasn’t Nat I was worried about at all. Ethan deserved all the happiness in the world, and deep down, I didn’t believe Nat could give that to him or to herself for that matter.
When Ethan got home, Nat begged me to clear out of the house so she could shoot her shot. I nearly refused, but then I remembered that I too had no claim on Ethan. He was free to be with whomever he wanted, and Nat was always someone men wanted. He deserved a fair shot with her without me in the way, so I did as Nat asked and took a long walk to a pub on the main strip. I wasn’t sure what I would be walking home to after Nat was done. Would I suddenly end up in a twilight zone where I got to watch my ex-best friend get with the love of my life? Whatever waited for me, I needed at least two stiff drinks to cope with it.
I was one drink in when my phone buzzed. It was Ethan.
Where are you? I need to get out of the house.
Oh? What the hell happened with Nat.
I texted him the name of the pub I was at.
His reply was swift. I’ll be there soon. Don’t go anywhere.
When he arrived, he looked like a man fleeing a natural disaster. I couldn’t resist asking, “I take it you’re not together with Nat?”
“You knew.” Ethan shot me a betrayed look. “Why didn’t you save me?”
“Nat told me to clear out. Besides, I remember how you used to look at her. It wasn’t my place to get in the way.”
Ethan snorted and went to get himself a drink. When he came back to my table, his eyes were flashing with anger. “Damn it, Ellie. You know damn well I have no interest in Nat. And it’s your place. Why’d you let her kick you out?”
“You’re here too,” I pointed out.
That got a laugh out of Ethan. “So I am. But only because you abandoned me.”
“Did you actually turn her down?”
“Of course.” Ethan looked hurt. “Who do you take me for? I haven’t forgiven her for kicking you out of your old place, even if you have. I mean, it worked out really well for me, but I don’t like how she treated you. There’s no way I would be with someone who would do that.”
“Oh.” Ethan’s spirited defence of me made me feel warm inside. “Did you actually say that to her?”
“Yes, actually.”
I cringed. That was harsh.
“She needed to hear it.” Ah yes, when Ethan was this direct, I could totally see how he and Joyce were related.
“Well, I’m glad you’re not with her. You deserve much better. You deserve someone who makes you happy.”
“Damn right I do.” Ethan’s eyes blazed as he stared at me. His gaze held mine, like there was something unspoken on the tip of his tongue. Suddenly, it felt like I didn’t have enough air to breathe.
And then he didn’t say a single thing more.
~
W hen we got home later, I was bracing myself for Nat to be shut down in a corner somewhere. Ethan had been direct with her, and she never responded well to directness in the past. It was why I always ended up walking on eggshells around her. It was partly why she and Joyce didn’t get along. Joyce jumped headfirst into every interaction, while Nat preferred to hold back and away from things if they were too much work.
Ethan had gracefully slipped into his room the moment he got into the house. He recognised that Nat needed space. But I was starting to agree with him. This was his space—our space, and Nat shouldn’t have been allowed to push us out of it.
I found Nat chilling on the back patio. She was calmer than I expected, and that surprised me. I checked on her anyway. “Ethan told me he turned you down. Are you okay?”
Nat smiled at me with a wistful smile. “I am. It was silly of me to try. It’s obvious that Ethan is a much better friend to you than I’ve been. No wonder you’re in love with him.”
I didn’t know what to say to that.
Nat continued, “It’s true, you know. His eyes got all fiery when he told me off about you. I can totally see why you’ve been smitten with him for so long. I would be too if I were you.”
I just shrugged. It was true. I was head over heels for Ethan and have been for the longest time. “He’s a good friend, and I’ve no illusions that he’ll be anything more.”
Nat nodded. “You’ve always been practical that way.”
Something sour churned in my gut. For someone who was supposed to be my best friend, even Nat didn’t think I was good enough for Ethan. But deep down, I knew Nat was right. If Ethan really wanted me enough, I’d be his girlfriend, not his mere hookup buddy.
“Never mind him. He told me he told you off. Are you okay?”
From what Ethan told me, he hadn’t held back with Nat, and I had come back expecting her to be in a sobbing heap or lashing out at anyone in her vicinity. That was why I had always stepped delicately around Nat in the past. Her brittleness had been a painful thing to deal with up close. But maybe I hadn’t given Nat enough credit. Maybe I had coddled her too much. Or maybe Nat had grown. She seemed to be coping surprisingly well with being told off.
Nat sat straight up. “Surprisingly, I am. I think time away from Andy helped. There were a few hard truths I needed to hear. You tried to tell them to me before, but I wasn’t ready to listen back then. But it’s time, and I need to get better at hearing them.”
That…was surprisingly self-aware for Nat.
“Back to you and Ethan. You should tell him how you feel.”
I shook my head. I wasn’t a masochist. Nat dealt with Ethan’s rejection very well because she didn’t have any feelings for him. But as for me…it would break my world. “No, Nat. He doesn’t want me. He’s just a good guy.”
I almost spilled that we were hooking up to Nat but held my tongue at the last minute. There was a distance now in our friendship, and it would take a damn long time before that could be fixed.
~
E than managed to sneak into my room a few more times over the next few weeks to hook up, and Nat was none the wiser. Things had been awkward between them after Ethan rejected Nat, but they had both handled it with grace.
But Ethan was starting to get restless. He hadn’t been able to just flop down in the living room whenever he wanted without having Nat hover around or having to watch out for Nat’s things. Nat wasn’t the neatest of housemates, and she had spread out in the living room space. I didn’t blame her, because she didn’t have a room of her own while she stayed with us. Whenever we were in private, Ethan started complaining about Nat overstaying her welcome.
“I want to be able to touch you anytime I want to,” he complained.
He could, if we were dating for real. But I didn’t say that out loud. Instead, I teased, “You just miss your TV room, don’t you?”
“That too. Nat was supposed to be here for just a few days. It’s coming up to a month.”
“I’m sorry, but you did say she could stay longer.” I did promise him it would be a short stay, but Nat didn’t have anywhere else to go, so both Ethan and I agreed to let her stay on. Given the trouble she was in, we didn’t accept rent from her, but we let her contribute a little to the household expenses.
Ethan just grumbled.
“If you did get together with her, she could have moved into the master with you,” I teased.
Ethan just shot me a death glare. “You could move into the master with me.”
“I could.” My blood ran still. Was Ethan serious? “But then Nat and everyone would know we were sleeping together. It wouldn’t be fair to Renae. And we’re just friends. With benefits.”
I had reiterated our arrangement to Ethan in a bid to remind myself that that was all we were, even though the lines kept blurring in my eyes. A part of me wanted Ethan to contradict me, to tell me that we had become more than friends. I needed to hear him say the unspoken out loud so I could believe it was real.
Ethan fell silent. There was a wall growing between us. I had been building it up brick by brick in a bid to protect myself, but now, I recognised that Ethan was pulling back too. The unspoken was all in my head after all. Ethan didn’t want me that way. Everything was coming to an end.
Ethan still didn’t say a word as he flipped me back onto my bed and took me.
We enjoyed each other, taking it slow, as if we had all the time in the world even as we said goodbye with our bodies. The entire time, my heart was breaking.
I knew it was my fault. I knew it couldn’t have lasted. I knew this friends with benefits thing would shatter me, and yet, I let it happen anyway. I couldn’t resist him. I didn’t want to. And now, I had to let him go.
But he was never mine to begin with.