Friends With All the Benefits

27 Ellie

E than finally got his wish for Nat to move out, but not in a way either of us would have wanted.

The next week, I came back from work to see a familiar car parked in our driveway, blocking my entrance into the garage. I could have blocked the car in, but instead, I parked on the street. This was one person I wanted out of my home as soon as possible.

Every warning bell in my head rang like the world was on fire. Every cell in my body came on full alert, ready to kick the car’s owner out of the cottage—my safe space. My mind wandered to the garden shed, where all the sharp and pointy garden tools were kept. But I still had to go through the house to get to them.

Instead, I took several deep breaths to calm down and called Ethan’s phone.

“Are you home yet?”

He picked up the tension in my voice. “Almost there. Why? What’s wrong?”

“Andy’s here and he’s in the house.”

“Fuck.”

“I’m going in. I’ll see you soon.”

I opened the front door, bracing myself for the worst. If Andy made trouble, Ethan would be home soon. All I had to do was hold things together until he got here.

To my surprise, I found Nat and Andy sitting in the living room holding hands. A familiar sense of dread overtook me. Nat’s face was blotchy with tears, but she was smiling through them. Andy looked at her with a loving expression on his face, but he tensed up when he saw me.

“What’s going on here?” I demanded and shot my chilliest gaze at Andy.

“Oh, Ellie, it’s all worked out. Andy’s apologised. He’s so sorry for what he put me through, aren’t you, baby?”

Andy nodded. “I wasn’t in my right mind. Hayleigh got into my head. She was the one who made me kick you out, but I promise she’s gone now.”

Nat nodded fervently.

I didn’t believe a single word Andy said, and colour me unsurprised that his apology involved blaming someone else for his sins. Nat still loved him, and that made her want to believe him so she could have him back.

“Nat, can I have a word with you, privately?” I glanced down the hallway. Nat had been doing so well before Andy came along. She would be more receptive to what I had to say this time. She had to be.

To my surprise, Nat shook her head. “You can say what you need to say here. Andy can take it. I promise.”

I took a deep breath. “Nat, Andy kicked you out of your home. He made you homeless.”

“He didn’t mean to. It was in the heat of the moment.”

“Then why didn’t he ask you to come back after?”

“Because I was foolish enough to block him on my phone. I shouldn’t have done that.” Nat’s eyes were accusing as she looked at me. I had made her do so to stop her staring at her phone a million times a day.

“He could have contacted you in different ways.” Nat didn’t block his email address or his social media. I knew because I kept seeing her stalk his Facebook profile to see if he posted any pictures of him and Hayleigh. I had told her to block him there too, but I suspected she never listened to me.

“Andy is controlling. He stops you from going out with friends, or from even talking to strangers. It’s not healthy.”

“He knows it. He’s working on it.”

I listed out all the other things that were a problem with Andy. Each time, Nat had an excuse for him. The entire time, Andy didn’t say a single thing for himself.

I stared at Nat in disbelief. Love made her blind, but surely, not that blind. I had never wanted to shake her and scream at her more.

Finally, Andy spoke. “Come on, Ellie. I know you don’t like me, but can you stop holding little basic mistakes against me? Don’t stand in the way of Nat’s happiness.”

I nearly snorted. Classic Andy—minimise, deflect and redirect the attack.

Nat’s face told me she had already made up her mind to take him back. I was losing her again. She wasn’t going to listen to me no matter what I said, and suddenly, I was tired, so tired of watching her keep making choices that would end up biting her in the ass. I couldn’t save Nat from Andy because I couldn’t save Nat from herself.

Then an idea occurred to me. There was one thing I could do…

“Very well,” I said.

Nat’s eyes widened in surprise. She had expected me to put up more resistance.

I turned to Andy. “You love Nat, don’t you? You want her to be happy, yes?”

Andy scoffed. “Of course. I’ve always had the best of intentions with Nat.”

I nearly asked where those intentions were when he was balls deep in another woman, or when he kicked Nat out of her own home. Instead, I just smiled and told him, “Good. Wait there.”

I went into my room, fetched the forms I had printed out and prefilled weeks ago when I was trying to brainstorm Nat’s apartment problem, and brought it back to the couple with a pen. “This is the title deed transfer form. Sign the apartment back to Nat. Prove that you really love her.”

Anger and irritation flashed in Andy’s eyes. “That won’t be necessary once Nat and I get married. There’s no need to do it now.”

The excuse was as weak as it sounded.

“I guess you don’t love her enough to give her that security,” I goaded.

“How dare you?”

I held Andy’s outraged gaze. A warm presence came up behind me. A reassuring hand fell on the small of my back. Ethan was home and he was standing behind me, backing me up.

“What’s he doing here?” Andy demanded.

“I live here.” Ethan sounded bored and annoyed. “Sign the forms.”

“Are you telling me you’ve been living in close quarters with a man this whole time?” Andy turned to Nat who looked away guiltily.

I ignored Andy and pushed the forms and the pen closer to him. “Prove that you have Nat’s best interests at heart. Prove that you’re not just a leech and a gold digger.”

The last sentence was a taunt at Andy’s pride. I absolutely thought of him as a leech and a gold digger but saying it out loud was a step too far for Andy.

With Ethan and I staring him down, Andy caved. He signed the forms. Ethan and I added our signatures as witnesses. Then I went off to make copies.

When I got back, Nat’s stuff was packed into her suitcase, and she was being led out the door by Andy. Ethan kept a stern eye on them both. As Nat stepped out of the cottage door for the last time, I stopped her and handed her the original copy of the forms. I had gotten Andy that far, but Nat still had to submit them herself. They were now hers to do whatever she wanted with them.

“Thank you.” Nat took the forms from me, still bewildered that I had successfully strongarmed Andy into signing. She still hadn’t dared tell her parents a thing, but the final step was up to her, so I just said, “I can’t tell you what to do, Nat, and I won’t. I just want you to be happy.”

“Being with Andy makes me happy…” Nat’s voice was weak as she said it.

“If you want your happy ending, Nat, you’re going to have to choose it. Choose all the little things that get you there, then choose the big things that will. Do you honestly believe Andy is going to change?”

Nat didn’t answer my question. Deep down, I think she didn’t want to hear her own answer.

I passed her several folded pieces of paper. It was the original bullet list of Andy’s sins in their relationship, the one that had been on the clipboard that got me kicked out of the apartment. Nat took it from me. Her eyes told me she recognised it.

“This is for you,” I told her. “Do with it what you will. Throw it away if you want to. Tear it up if you want to. It’s up to you.”

Nat just nodded and slipped it into her handbag, then left with Andy.

~

I watched Nat drive her car off, following behind Andy’s. Once they were out of sight, I collapsed onto the sofa that had been Nat’s bed for the last month. The whiplash from Nat’s about face on Andy still rippled through my whole body. It hadn’t been a surprise, and yet, this time felt different. Until it wasn’t.

“Hey, are you okay?” Ethan fell into the seat next to me. Instinctively, I reached for him. His presence was warm. Reassuring. This was exactly what being in a relationship was supposed to be like. This was everything I had ever wanted for Nat. This was everything I ever wanted for myself.

Yet here we both were—Nat going back to a man who would never treat her like this, and me plastering myself over a man who had made it clear he could not give me more.

At the end of the day, I was no better than Nat when it came to making bad decisions. It was no wonder she never listened to my advice, not when I was this pathetic and hypocritical when it came to my own relationships. Suddenly, I hated myself so much for it.

“I can’t do this anymore,” I croaked. “I can’t keep watching Nat make decisions that hurt her. I can’t keep watching Andy chip away at her anymore. It’s too damn hard because she keeps on choosing him no matter how much he hurts her.”

And I couldn’t keep on being in this non-relationship with Ethan, no matter how giddy his attention made me. Not when it made me just as bad as Nat.

“Nat’s an adult. She needs to make her own choices and live with the consequences.” Ethan’s voice was stern, but he kept on holding me and stroking my back, soothing me. “You can only do so much, and you’ve been a good friend to her. You’re a good friend to everyone. Especially to me. It will be okay. I’m here for you.”

His comforting me just made me burst into tears.

A good friend. That was all I was to anyone, even him. Especially to him. Suddenly, the difference between being a friend with benefits and a girlfriend couldn’t be clearer. I would never have his heart, and I had sold myself too cheaply for everything else he was willing to give me.

I can’t do this anymore.

I let myself ugly cry all over Ethan’s shirt, letting myself be comforted by his embrace for the very last time. I wanted this, I wanted him so much that it physically hurt, but I had to let him go, but he was never mine to begin with. It was for the best all round. Better to get the pain over with now than have it grow even worse in some nebulous future.

Finally, I got myself under control and gently pulled away.

“You’re a good friend, Ethan. The best.” My voice cracked as I prepared myself for what came next. I had made my decision.

“I do my best.” Ethan wore a wry smile on his face. He expected me to follow that up with a joke or some light-hearted comment. That was always how I had always handled anything heavy, but not today.

“You’re a good friend, Ethan,” I repeated, steeling myself. “That’s why what we’re doing has to stop. I can’t do it anymore.”

The smile vanished from Ethan’s face, replaced by shock.

“What do you mean, Ellie?”

“We knew this friends with benefits thing had to end someday. Well, this is someday,” I barrelled ahead, knowing that if I didn’t do it now, I would never have the guts to do it until the day Ethan ended this arrangement. My gut told me that day was coming soon, given the girl of his dreams was coming back to town.

Ethan jerked back as if I had slapped him.

“What? Why?” His voice was hollow. There was more hurt in it than I had expected.

“This arrangement always had an expiry date. It just feels like we’ve come to the end of it.”

“Why? What did I do?”

I knew my springing this on Ethan was abrupt, but I didn’t expect the strength of his reaction. That was a surprise, but I had to keep on going. “You’ve been amazing. More than amazing. But I think it’s just time.”

“Where did this come from? Is it to do with what just happened with Nat?” Ethan had always been sharp, even though he could be oblivious about certain things sometimes, namely my feelings for him. Then again, I had been careful to keep it under wraps lest it scare him away from our friendship.

“I know she’s upset you, but please don’t make rash decisions because of it.”

I shook my head. “I’m thinking clearly, I promise. I just think it’s time. This was going to end anyway. What’s the difference if we end things now versus someday in the future when you fall for someone?”

“Or you fall for someone.” Ethan’s voice was clipped as he pointed it out. “ Have you fallen for someone else?”

I shook my head. There was no one else, only Ethan, but I couldn’t bring myself to admit that to him. I had fallen deeply and irrevocably in love with him, and I couldn’t handle hearing his rejection out loud, even though I knew it deep in my bones. Ethan loved fucking me, but he didn’t love me. I thought I had been okay with it, but I had been lying to myself, and now I was paying for it.

But I owed Ethan the truth, even though it wasn’t all of it. “Watching Nat’s rollercoaster of a relationship…watching her fall back into old patterns… It’s made me realise I have some unhealthy patterns of my own. I want a real relationship, and I should never have started this with you. We’re clearly just friends, and because we live together, our boundaries blur like nobody’s business. That’s dangerous and unhealthy.”

“I’m unhealthy for you, am I?” There was hurt in Ethan’s voice. Anger too.

“You know that’s not what I mean. You’ve been wonderful, but you and I have been sleeping together for months now. Neither of us has dated anyone else since we started. It’s starting to feel like a relationship, and we both know that’s not what we agreed to. The lines are blurring too much and it’s dangerous.”

“No, it’s not. We both agreed that it doesn’t mean anything, and you can’t deny the sex is damn good. But it’s just sex.”

I hadn’t been fishing for confirmation, but Ethan confirmed what I knew anyway—that it didn’t mean anything to him. He didn’t want more out of this non-relationship with me.

“It is, but it’s not enough. Us sleeping together will get messy eventually. You and I deserve more than that.”

“I don’t want more. I don’t need more. This was working just fine for me,” Ethan shot back. It hurt to hear it, but I had expected it. It was exactly why I was ending things.

“It’s no longer enough for me. I want more, whether it be with you or with someone else.” That was as close to me admitting my feelings for him as I was going to get.

“I see.” Ethan pursed his lips, but he stopped arguing. “So what now?”

“Now, we stop having sex. That’s all. Nothing else changes. We’re still friends, aren’t we?”

I was an idiot. I should have gone cold turkey from my addiction to Ethan, but I didn’t want to give him up as a friend either.

“That’s all?” Ethan suddenly looked relieved.

Oh. He was worried I was ending our friendship. He didn’t care all that much about the sex after all, no matter how much he liked it. I had been the only one who started to want more than I could have. It was time to face reality.

“That’s all. No sex.”

“I can do that. You’re too good a friend to lose, Ellie.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. There was a brittleness to Ethan’s voice, but I ignored it. If it was an ego thing, he’d get over it much more easily than I would get over him. At least we both felt the same way about our friendship. It was too precious to lose. “You are too, Ethan. We can do this. It’ll be easy.”