Friends With All the Benefits

29 Ellie

T he first thing Ethan did when he got home that day was tell me about his impending date with Renae. It took everything I had to smile my widest smile at him and say, “Congratulations. It’s what you wanted. I’m so happy for you.”

It was an absolute lie, but I had been preparing myself for this moment for ages, so the sting was somewhat blunted. I must have been convincing because Ethan seemed to believe me.

“You are, aren’t you?” His gaze burned right through me.

All of a sudden, I found myself backed against the wall of the hallway. It was just like before I ended things, when Ethan would greet me first thing when we both got home after work, and he would kiss me and maul me before dinner. His body still wanted me. He still wanted me.

In that moment, I saw two paths blaze ahead of me. I could say yes, and get on with my life, pining for Ethan from afar. I would have to move out. I would have to distance myself from him. It would hurt, but time would help. Eventually, I would be okay.

Or, I could lay it all on the line.

There were so many times in the last few months I had thought that Ethan was starting to return my feelings. The way he looked at me, touched me, made love to me, felt like so much more than just an arrangement, no matter what we told each other. Even now. Especially now.

He wasn’t mine. But he could be if he wanted. All this time, I had told him that I didn’t have feelings for me. I think he believed me. But what if I told him the truth? What if I laid it all out, laid it all bare? What if I asked him to choose me instead?

It was now or never.

I gathered all my courage and said, “Ethan. I need to ask you something.”

Ethan’s voice was slow. Solid. Reassuring. “Of course, Ellie. You know you can ask me anything.”

He was always so good to me. He liked being with me. That much was obvious. Maybe this would work out after all. Maybe he would choose me after all.

I took a deep breath, then went for it. “Ethan, what if you forgot about Renae? What if you were with me instead?”

His easy air melted away. He stood straighter. His voice became harsh. “What are you saying, Ellie?”

I confessed it all to him. “I love you, Ethan. I’m in love with you. I always have been. And I think you feel something for me too.”

I could swear that he did, especially when he looked at me the way he did before I told him I loved him. He had looked at me that way too when we had sex in the past. I had been so sure, but now, after I said the unspoken out loud, Ethan recoiled in horror, putting more than an arm’s length between us.

“Ellie, you told me you didn’t have feelings for me,” he hissed. “If I knew…I wouldn’t have slept with you. It was just sex. Nothing more. It wasn’t supposed to mean a thing. I didn’t want to hurt you. I told you this.”

The words were a slap in the face. I had laid it all on the line, and I had gotten it wrong. So wrong.

“I knew you wouldn’t have,” I confessed. “But I still wanted you. I thought I could do it and keep feelings out of it.”

“But you couldn’t.”

I shook my head.

Ethan took a deep breath and closed his eyes. His hands went to massage the furrow in his brow. “Ellie, why tell me now? Why not earlier?”

“Because I’m about to lose you, and I need to know if you felt the same way about me.”

“I like sleeping with you, Ellie. I’m attracted to you…”

“I know you are. That’s why I’m asking. If you could choose to be with me instead.”

Ethan swore under his breath, but he looked like he was seriously considering it. Then he said, “Damn it, Ellie. You have shit timing, you know? You ended things between us. I thought you didn’t want me. All we were doing was just sex.”

Maybe to him, but it had stopped being that way for me a long time ago. More fool me.

“I didn’t want to make things awkward between us. I know I promised you no feelings, no complications.” I was already regretting telling him I loved him. Things were getting awkward now. I started moving towards my own room, ready to lock the door behind me and short-circuit the rest of the painful conversation. “Never mind. I should never have said anything.”

“Ellie…” He sounded pained. “Ellie, I can’t say it back. I know you want me to, but I can’t. I can’t.”

It hurt so much to hear it out loud. I think Ethan could see my world shatter on my face. He took a step towards me. He reached to comfort me. But before he could touch me, he stopped.

“I’m sorry,” he croaked.

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” I kept saying over and over again. “Forget I said anything. I’m sorry I said anything. I hope your date goes well.”

I had to go. I had laid my heart on the line. I had bared it all to Ethan. And yet, it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough. My parents didn’t care about me enough. Nat never cared about me enough. Then I had to go and get attached to a guy who was clear in the beginning that he couldn’t care for me the same way.

In that respect, Ethan had been the fairest to me. He had been clear about his expectations from the beginning. I was the one being a fool, hoping for more than he ever promised.

“Ellie,” he called after me, but I ignored him and fled to my room.

I had snacks stashed away to tide me through the evening, so I didn’t have to worry about leaving the room for dinner. The entire time, I half-expected Ethan to knock on my door, to tell me to come out so we could talk it through. But no knock ever came. After all, what else was there to talk about? We already ended our arrangement a few days ago.

Finally, I wandered out about eight in the evening, only to find the house empty and Ethan’s car gone.

My stomach knotted. My confession of love had upset Ethan so much I had driven him away from home. I wasn’t hungry, but I made myself a quick dinner anyway. Ethan still hadn’t returned when I finished eating, so I fled back into my room to be sad by myself. Somehow, through all my self-recrimination and grief, I managed to fall asleep.

The next morning, I got up early to avoid Ethan, then went to work early just to have somewhere to go to. I had just blown up my friendship with Ethan, and there was no going back. There would have been no going back anyway, even if I didn’t say a thing. I couldn’t stay close to Ethan and watch him love someone else because it would kill me.

I spent my free time before anyone came into the office scouring rental listings. The market had cooled down since I last looked. Maybe I could find a new place soon. Then I could get myself away from Ethan and finally get over him for good.

Right then, I wanted so much to talk to someone about the mess I made. But I no longer felt the urge to tell Nat anything, and I was too afraid to tell Hannah or Joyce. Everything would come out into the open eventually, and maybe they would choose Ethan and get rid of me. Maybe I wouldn’t be enough for them either.

Work kept me distracted the whole day, but by lunchtime, I was growing restless again. I couldn’t stay home tonight because I’d be watching the front door the whole time, wondering when Ethan would get home. Wondering if he’d bring Renae back with him, back into the bed we both shared too many times before…

I reinstalled the dating app on my phone. I had deleted it when Ethan and I started our little arrangement. Now, I signed back in to see messages waiting for me. One was from Rafe, the guy who had cancelled on me because he had to take his grandmother to the hospital. We had messaged each other after that and ended things on good terms.

Now he had sent me a new message. The date stamp on it told me it was fairly recent. He was wondering if I was keen to catch up again.

I took a deep breath. I had no stomach for any sort of dating right now, but I had to push myself. I had to move on from Ethan. It wasn’t as if I owed him anything. He was going on a date with the girl of his dreams later after all.

I replied to Rafe’s message and asked if he was free tonight.

He was.