30 Ethan
E llie’s confession threw me for a loop. I felt guilty as heck and angry as hell. Guilty because I knew I had hurt Ellie with my rejection, and angry that she had put me in this position. All this time, I thought she didn’t want me. All this time, I thought she didn’t care. It turned out she was lying to me the whole time, and here we were in one hell of a mess. I never would have started sleeping with her if I thought she had feelings for me, but I never would have let her stop if I knew… Too many feelings churned inside of me, and I didn’t know what to do with it all.
I left the house after Ellie fled to her room. We probably should have talked it through, but I couldn’t forget the look on Ellie’s face when I told her I couldn’t say I loved her back. There was so much hurt, yet so much resignation, I couldn’t bear it. I always loved shattering Ellie’s calm composure, but not this way. Not like this.
I ended up driving across the city until I got hungry, and then I took myself to a small underground bar in the city where music was pleasant, and the food was good. It was quiet on a weekday night, which suited my mood to a tee. I stayed there until they closed at midnight, brooding into my drink, trying very hard not to think about what this meant for my friendship with Ellie.
Ellie was too damn important to me, and I couldn’t bear to lose her. But she had spent all this time loving me and never expecting a thing back. She had been in love with me this entire time and never said a thing. Ellie was always good at being so composed, so steady. It was likely she would continue to be so. Maybe things would stay the same after all. Maybe we could go back to the way things were. Maybe it would be all right after all.
Somehow, I didn’t think so. We had gone too far in the end. I had gone too far. I should never have slept with her, and yet, I couldn’t bring myself to regret it.
Ellie’s room door was locked when I finally got back home. I had wanted to check on her, but a part of me was relieved that I couldn’t get in. I didn’t know what I would have done if I did. My body still wanted her, but everything else was just too much of a mess. The next morning when I woke up, Ellie was already gone.
My heart sank. She was avoiding me.
I was in a funk when I got to work, and Callum noticed.
“Why so grumpy? I thought you’d be ecstatic given your date with Renae is tonight.”
I just shook my head. I didn’t want to tell him about Ellie’s confession just yet, not until I had a chance to process it.
Everything with Ellie was a whole damn mess, and we were both to blame.
I was going on my date with Renae later. I had to, to see if there was anything there.
After that, I’d think long and hard about my relationship with Ellie. I didn’t want to hurt her. I should never have let things get that far. Until then, there was plenty to do at work to keep me from thinking about Ellie at all.
~
R enae now worked on a different floor, so I didn’t see much of her at work today. We exchanged quick messages confirming our date tonight. It was going to be a later dinner, as Renae had a late meeting scheduled. That was fine. I could always find something to do after hours, and the office had a flexible scheduling policy which meant that I could take time off in the future if I worked extra hours this evening. It was another excuse not to go home and face Ellie. I passed the rest of the day in a numb haze, just going through the motions.
There were no messages from Ellie all day. Usually, by now we’d have exchanged several silly texts throughout the day or discussed dinner. I didn’t contact her. She didn’t contact me. Given what happened last night, I doubted she would ever be that open with me ever again, not when it would lead to heartbreak on her end.
It struck me that things had drastically changed between us. It was everything I had wanted to avoid ruining with Ellie, but things were ruined anyway. I knew it was selfish of me to expect things to stay the same, but I missed Ellie so much it hurt.
The workday was over. Renae finally finished her late meeting. This was it. I was finally going on a date with Renae. It was everything I ever wanted, and yet I couldn’t bring myself to feel anything about it.
I met Renae at the building lobby and walked her to the fancy restaurant downtown where I managed to get a last-minute booking. Renae looked absolutely stunning as usual. I greeted her with a peck on the cheek, the closest I had ever physically gotten to her. I thought there would be attraction. Fireworks. Simmering heat. But it was as chaste a kiss as I had ever gotten, just like the ones I got from my female relatives every time I saw them at huge family gatherings.
We walked to the restaurant together. Just as we got there, the door opened.
Ellie walked out, accompanied by that guy who stood her up for her date months ago when his grandmother was admitted to the hospital. The date she missed that started the entire arrangement between us. I recognised the guy from photos Ellie had shown me before, and I had been slightly jealous that he was good-looking. He had to be too good to be true, and when nothing happened between him and Ellie, I thought he was. Now here he was, in the flesh and as handsome as his photo indicated, and he had his hand on the small of Ellie’s back like it had every right to be there.
Ellie had never said a word to me about this date. Then again, after I had told her I couldn’t return her feelings, she didn’t owe me a damn thing. Still, how could she move on so damn fast? Were her words just words after all, and she didn’t really give me her heart in the end? Mine started pounding uncontrollably in my chest.
Ellie’s eyes were wholly on him, and she was laughing at something he said.
She was dressed in her normal work clothes. A tight black top. A long pleated skirt that ended just at her shins. The same one I’ve had my hand under, multiple times. The one I’ve unzipped, multiple times. The one I’ve pushed up or pulled down, just so I could fuck her against a wall, in a bed, or bent over and spread open, just so I could take her sweet, wet pussy.
Right now, she was leaving the restaurant with another man who looked at her like he wanted to do the exact same things to her. And she looked like she would let him.
I felt my stomach lurch right out of my body. My jaw felt like someone had belted it with a tyre iron.
It was wrong. It was so damn wrong.
Then Ellie’s eyes suddenly found mine, and she froze mid-step. Her expression shut down. She looked away.
She took her date’s arm, and she walked away. From me.
I barely remembered myself entering the restaurant with Renae. We were seated. We made our orders. I tried my damn best to make pleasant conversation with my date, but my mind kept turning back to the image of Ellie walking out on the arm of someone else. Someone else who wasn’t me.
I looked at Renae, who was looking at me with concern. Renae, whom I had thought was my ultimate dating goal. Beautiful, wonderful Renae, whom I now looked at and felt nothing for. And when I looked at Ellie, I felt everything . Rage. Jealousy. Affection. Desire. Grief. Loss. Need. Desperation. Love.
Oh my God.
I had made a huge mistake.
Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe. I pushed my chair back and rested my elbows on my knees and bent my head down. My guts felt like they had been torn out of my body, then shredded in a blender.
I felt Renae’s hand on my shoulder. “Are you okay, Ethan?”
“I fucked up,” I managed to gasp out.
“Deep breaths,” she soothed me. “Here, have some water.”
I took the glass and drank mindlessly from it, but it helped.
“What’s going on?”
I looked up into Renae’s eyes and knew without a doubt that I had chosen the wrong woman.
“I fucked up,” I could barely choke out. “I’m so sorry, Renae. I shouldn’t have said yes when you asked me out. I thought it was what I wanted, but it wasn’t. I just realised I’m in love with someone else.”
The edge of Renae’s lips turned up, and she leaned back into her chair.
“Let me guess, it was the girl we saw walk out of the restaurant when we got here.”
“How did you know?”
“You couldn’t take your eyes off her. The way you glared at the man she was with, I thought something was going to set on fire.” Renae fanned herself for added effect.
“I’m so sorry, Renae. I never meant to lead you on.”
“Hey, hey, don’t worry about it. This was just a date to get to know each other. There was never any pressure or expectations. I thought you were cool and just wanted to see where this went, and it’s not like I’m in love with you.”
Not like Ellie had been.
I groaned. I had really fucked up.
“All’s well,” Renae assured me with an amused expression on her face. “And I must say, watching a man lose his mind over a woman is highly entertaining for me. Usually, it’s the other way round with my girlfriends.”
“Oh my God,” I was in a near panic. “She told me she loved me, and I told her I couldn’t say it back. That what we had didn’t mean a thing.”
Renae gave me a curious look. “Did it? Mean a thing?”
“It meant everything.”
I hadn’t wanted to admit it to myself, but the moment I said the words out loud, they felt right.
“I didn’t know… I didn’t realise…” I kept rambling.
“…until you saw her with someone else.” Renae finished my half-formed sentence. There was sympathy in her voice. She shook her head at me.
“She was my best friend. The sex was good—”
“You were sleeping together?” Renae cut me off sharply. “Do you sleep with all your best friends?”
“No! Just her. Only her.”
“Oh, Ethan.” Renae sighed. Her expression was pitying.
“She’s my housemate,” I quickly explained, not that it made sense to Renae who lifted her eyebrows. “She’s a good friend. We were attracted to each other, and it went from there, but we stopped before you came back.”
Renae nodded at me to go on.
“She made my house a home. She’s the one I want to spend all my time with. I liked what we had together. I thought it was just because we were good friends. She’s good fun and has a good head on her shoulders. She was the one who ended things because she told me we both deserved to be happy. I told her it was just sex. I told her it didn’t mean a thing. I fucked up.”
Renae’s groan told me she agreed with me.
“Now she’s out on a date with some good-looking bloke and she’ll move on, and she’ll never forgive me,” I moaned.
Renae just stared at me with a pitying look on her face.
“I could go after them, after her, can’t I? And what the hell would I do if I caught up with her? Fight her date off? No, that’s unhinged.”
Now, I was starting to ramble. Right now, I sounded unhinged.
At that very moment, our entrée arrived at the table.
“Ethan, eat,” Renae pointed at our food. “Like you said, you can’t go after her right now. So, eat. Seriously, it’ll help you calm down so you can think about how to fix this. Now, tell me about her.”
I did. Over expensive food I barely tasted, I told Renae about how Ellie and I were friends, then housemates, then friends with benefits. I told Renae about how funny Ellie was and how sweet, and how very competent she was.
Renae listened supportively, all the way until I let it slip that I knew Ellie had a crush on me, and I still went ahead with our arrangement anyway. Her lips pursed, but she let me continue without interruption.
Then I told her how I had lied to Ellie for months about my not being her landlord, and how Ellie still didn’t know because I had painted myself into a corner with my lie of omission.
“Oh, Ethan,” Renae shook her head disapprovingly. “That’s not going to end well if she finds out.”
“ I know. ”
“Well, one thing is clear. You need to win her back.”
“I know, but how?”
“You go home, and you come clean about everything, you hear? About how you’re in love with her and how wonderful you find her to be. She deserves to hear it. And tell her about you being her landlord. You need to before it blows up in your face.”
“Yes.” I was damn well going to. No more lying to Ellie. No more lying to myself. I wanted her and I was going to get her.
“And Ethan.”
“Yes?”
“I respect you professionally, but you’re an idiot.”
“I know.”