32 Ellie
I woke up the next day and startled. My bed was smaller than it should be. My bedside table wasn’t on the correct side. The mattress felt off. My covers felt off. Then everything hit me in the cool morning light.
I wasn’t back at the cottage. I was at my old apartment, Nat’s apartment, because Nat had begged me to stay the night. I had slept in yesterday’s clothes, and they were now rumpled, and my top half-tucked out of my skirt. Worse of all, I was paying for last night’s drinks with the mother of all hangovers.
The temporary feverishness and accompanying headache were a welcome distraction because the memory of Ethan with his beautiful date came back to mind. I wanted to lie in bed for longer, but I had to get up and deal with the rest of the day. Nat probably needed me, and I had to decide whether to take a day off work soon.
A quick check of my phone showed me messages from Hannah and Joyce checking if I was okay and to let them know when I woke up. I shot them both quick replies, then pulled myself out of bed and trundled into the kitchen for a glass of water. Once I was rehydrated, I looked in the pantry cupboard for where I used to keep the coffee. The moment I opened the cupboard door, a half-stocked pantry stared back at me. There was instant coffee in a jar I had bought a year ago, but there was barely any left. Everything else had been depleted. Nothing much had been stocked back up.
I turned to glance at the outside balcony. Sure enough, all the plants I had put in were dead in their planters. No one had cleared them out.
“I’m not good with being domestic,” Nat’s voice came from behind me. “Your system sort of fell apart with you gone. We ate out a lot.”
“Do you have anything for breakfast?” I grunted. There was nothing I could eat in the fridge or the pantry. Maybe breakfast food sat somewhere else in this apartment now.
Nat shook her head. “I’ve been skipping breakfast. But you remember where the shops are.”
I did. It was a five-minute drive from the apartment. There was a chain bakery in the shops. The memory of Ethan having breakfast ready for me the moment I got out of bed sprang to mind, and my heart hurt all over again. Not even the headache I got from the hangover could dull that pain. Ethan had made breakfast for me because he was thoughtful and kind, but now that he had someone else, he would never make breakfast for me again. Not if he wanted to stay in his new girlfriend’s good graces.
Even after she made me come over and stay the night, Nat couldn’t even be bothered to sort breakfast out for me. She prattled on brightly, unaware of my growing irritation. “Now that things have imploded with Ethan, that means you’ll need to move out of the cottage. I don’t think any girlfriend of his would be happy having you around, especially since you guys were hooking up. I know I wouldn’t be.”
At my frown, Nat hurriedly continued, “What I meant to say is that I’m so glad you’re back here. You should move back in, especially now since Ethan doesn’t want you anyway. We can go back to the way things were, right before men got in the way.”
Nat looked at me with her big, pleading eyes. She looked hopeful. Vulnerable. It was what I had been wanting to hear from her all this time—that she wanted me back here, and everything could go back to the way things were. That we could put all that ugliness behind us and move on, BFFs like before.
Maybe it was the clear light of the morning. Maybe it was all the months she had told me we weren’t friends, the months she had cut me off and told me off for trying to do the right thing by her.
I couldn’t be BFFs with her. Not any longer.
Something had changed in me.
It had changed the night Nat threw me out of our home. It had changed when she accused me of hurtful things she knew weren’t true. It had changed the moment she told me that I would never understand her because I wasn’t in a relationship, and that I could never have an opinion on her relationship because I wasn’t in one.
The last one had slammed something shut in my heart, and now, it would never open again.
Even if I resolved to forgive Nat and remain friends with her, we would never be sisters of the heart again. And it wasn’t just because of that one night. It had been a long time coming. Nat had been a terrible friend for a long time now. Andy had lit the powder keg, but Nat was the one who stored up the gunpowder, then detonated said gunpowder right in the heart of our relationship.
She had been self-focused and self-absorbed, and she still was. She had barrelled ahead and hit on Ethan when she knew I still had feelings for him. She never cared about how I felt; she just took for granted that I would take everything she dished because I was good like that, because I was loyal like that. She expected me to drop everything and come to her last night with no care for where I was at. It had been Hannah and Joyce who looked out for me, who defended me, who took care of me when I wasn’t able to take care of myself.
Things done and said in the heat of anger, I could almost forgive. But the rest… The refusing to listen to me, the expecting me to revolve all my decisions around her, the demand that I become the friend that blindly supported her even though she herself chose to walk off a cliff, all that had been going on a very long time. Sure, it was Andy’s influence. But in the end, everything she did was still her own choice.
I shook my head at Nat. “If you need me, I’ll stay here for a few more days. I’ll support you. But I won’t move back.”
At the end of the day, there were still years of love and history between us. I wouldn’t leave her in the lurch. It worked out for me in the moment because I didn’t want to go home to Ethan. After that, I’d figure it out, but there was no way I was moving back in with Nat permanently.
“Are you going to keep staying with Ethan? That’s going to be awkward.”
Nat was right.
“I know I can’t, but I’ll find somewhere new. I like staying near Freo, so I’ll start applying for rentals around there soon.” I knew it would be difficult to find a place in the same area with my current budget, but I could always hope.
Nat fell silent. “You still haven’t forgiven me, have you?”
“I have. Mostly.”
“Then what’s stopping you from moving back in?”
I really didn’t want to do this now, but Nat wanted to, so I made myself coffee, extra strong, then went to sit down on the sofa. Nat followed.
“Was what I did so bad? You weren’t being supportive like I needed you to be. I lost my temper. I’m sorry.”
“Nat…” I took a deep breath. There was no easy way to say it. “I’ve done my damn best to be a good friend to you.”
“I know you have.”
“But you haven’t been a good friend to me. Not for a very long time. It’s been like that, long before Andy came along.”
I knew the friendship didn’t just die in one night. No. It had been a long, slow death with fault from both sides. Mine, for keeping things in and not confronting issues with Nat in a bid to keep the peace. Hers, for taking me for granted. Mine, for being too placating until I wasn’t. Hers, for being too rigid until there was no space for anything else. Ours, for not talking it through long before the relationship wilted and died. So, no. Things could never go back to the way they were, and I told her exactly that.
Nat listened quietly the entire time, her expression oscillating between guilt and defensiveness. She opened her mouth a few times to say something, but I didn’t let her. I had too much to say to her, and I wasn’t going to let her steamroll me into silence like she did in the past.
“I know I was never your family, Nat, but you were mine, and you threw me away.” My parents had washed their hands of me when I turned eighteen, citing their duty done and their obligations discharged. My friends—Nat especially—had been like family to me, at least on my end. But I had always known that it was a one-way street. Everyone else had their own loving families. Nat had even called her mother her only best friend to my face once. It hurt, but who was I to demand any more from her, especially when I never had that kind of relationship with my parents in the first place?
“I’m still your friend, Nat. I’m still here for you if you need me, but after this, I’m sure you understand if things are no longer the same.”
“I see.” Nat’s eyes could no longer meet mine.
For a brief moment, I panicked, thinking I had dropped things on Nat too fast, too soon. That this was an awful time to be real with her because she was struggling with this latest breakup with Andy. Then I remembered that Nat was always struggling, that there was never a good time with her. I reminded myself that she had pushed, and the things I just told her were things we really should have talked about long ago. I reminded myself I could no longer hide my feelings just to protect hers.
Nat was quiet for a long time after that. It surprised me because I expected her to lash out like she always did. When she finally spoke, her voice was pensive. Reflective.
“You’re right. I’m sorry. You’ve always been the strong one for so long, I just took it for granted. I’ve always wished I was as strong as you, but I’m not.”
I stared at Nat in surprise. She was always the beautiful one. The sweet one. The successful one in a relationship. A little bit self-absorbed and self-involved, but always well-meaning. I never thought for a minute she wanted to be like me.
“Don’t look so surprised. You’re always so put together, like nothing ever fazes you. You never needed a relationship to feel whole like I did, and I envied you for that.”
“You don’t need a relationship to be whole,” I was quick to point out.
“I know. It’s just… I’m a weak person.”
“You’re not—” I started to protest.
“I know I am,” Nat cut me off. “I don’t bother with things…with life. I don’t try for more. That’s why I ended up with someone like Andy. I need to be better. I just wish I knew how.”
“You can. You just need to start choosing good things for yourself.”
“Like you said the other day. I need to, don’t I? It’s just so much work…”
I glared at Nat. She wilted and continued, “I know, I know. It’s up to me.”
“Yes, it is. But you can do it. I’ll support you. Your parents will support you. You have other friends who will support you.”
“I never made many friends here. None I can call close,” Nat sighed. “Andy made sure of that. Everyone else is halfway across the country.”
“It doesn’t matter. Andy’s gone. You can start over.”
“This was supposed to be our grand adventure.” A wistful smile turned up Nat’s lips. “Now, I know I shouldn’t even expect you to be here for me, but here you are. Thank you. I’m glad you’re here. I really don’t want to be alone in this apartment.”
This was peace between us. I hadn’t quite forgiven Nat, but having her acknowledge her faults, having her actually acknowledge my efforts, helped.
I nodded.
“Ellie… I know I shouldn’t have kicked you out before, and I know you don’t have to forgive me, and I know you just said no to moving back in with me, but would you consider staying? At least for the short term? Please?” Nat’s voice was pleading. “No rent required. You didn’t charge me rent at the cottage anyway. I know it’s a lot to ask, but I’m terrified that Andy will come back and things will get ugly.”
Right. Nat had finally dumped Andy for good. She needed help with getting over her breakup.
As for me…Ethan was never mine to begin with, but it sure felt like a breakup to me too. All I wanted was for him to take me in his arms and tell me everything would be all right, but that was never going to happen. All that unrequited want had finally splintered into something sharp and painful, and I couldn’t bear being around him any longer. Maybe being away from him would do me good. I couldn’t just move out right away, but if Nat wasn’t going to charge me rent, I could afford to keep paying the landlord—Ethan—my legally required rent until my notice period was up.
I was done with Nat’s bad behaviour, but I wasn’t done with her. I loved her too much for that.
“Okay. I’ll stay,” I told Nat. “On one condition.”
Nat’s eyes widened.
“Call your mother,” I sighed. Her mother had been asking me for updates because Nat hadn’t been taking her calls, but Nat needed to face her sooner or later.
Nat paled.
“It won’t be so bad. She loves you.”
Nat’s lips quivered, but she nodded.
I gave her a reassuring pat on her arm.
“I’ve got to go to work. I’ll get my things from the cottage after work, then I’ll come back here.” I had decided it wasn’t worth taking a day off. The free time would just make me spiral. I could freshen my clothes, and I kept a spare cardigan in my car so I could wear that and make it look like I was almost wearing a different outfit today. Right now, I had never been more grateful to Joyce for insisting that she’d leave my car with me.
“Thank you!” Nat squealed with relief. “I’m doing a late shift today, so you’ll be back before me. I’ll see you when you get back. It’ll be just like before!”
We both knew that it wouldn’t be, but maybe it was just optimism on Nat’s part.
She was ecstatic that I was coming back. I should be too—I got my friend back, but deep down, I just wasn’t feeling it any longer. I was still going to apply for a place of my own, one I didn’t share with anyone else. I never wanted to be in a position where I could get kicked out of my home ever again because my relationship with my landlord soured.