Chapter 11
11
Laura wasn’t just pregnant.
She was well pregnant.
Having finally given up taking the oral contraceptive pill when the annoyance of symptoms like the mild nausea and sore breasts didn’t completely disappear, she had been prepared for it to take weeks for her normal cycle to resume.
She had not been remotely prepared for this .
Still stunned by the results of the test she’d done in the privacy of her own apartment, her fingers were shaking as she tried to count up the weeks. Seven? Eight ? And didn’t you have to add on a couple to get back to the first day of your last period, which meant…
Oh, God … was she approaching the end of her first trimester already?
Almost at the point of no return?
Was it, in fact, inescapable that she was going to have a baby?
Laura had never wanted to have a baby. She’d had enough of a taste of parenthood by taking so much responsibility for her younger sisters.
She’d certainly never dreamed of becoming a single mother. Good grief, she’d seen more than enough of how hard it had been for her own mother, not only financially and emotionally but practically – every single day – as she juggled the demands of raising three daughters and providing for them.
It hadn’t been easy for Ellie, either, despite having only one child and plenty of family support.
She couldn’t have a baby.
Her life – the life that she’d worked so hard for, for so long – would be over.
The solution was obvious, but…
…but maybe it would have been a whole lot easier to consider that if she’d been facing it a hell of a lot sooner.
Or if she wasn’t facing it entirely alone.
But who could she tell?
Laura had colleagues. She didn’t have the kind of close friends you could trust to keep a potentially career-damaging secret.
She desperately wanted to tell her mother. She could imagine Jeannie opening the door and taking one look at her oldest daughter’s face and asking what was wrong, and she could burst into tears and find herself in her mother’s arms and… and somehow, magically, she’d know that everything was going to be all right.
But how unfair would it be to give her mother something new to worry about?
Jeannie Gilchrist was happier than she’d been for so long; Laura couldn’t actually remember the last time she’d seen such joy in her face. The day Jack had been born, perhaps? If she was disconcerted by Ellie having no intention of coming back to live in Scotland, she was hiding it convincingly. Maybe the potential difficulties of coping with that distance had been tempered by Fi taking a step closer. The welcome back into the family home had been genuine but gentle. No awkward questions had been asked that might make Fi regret her visit.
The focus of the conversation over dinner that night had, of course, been on Ellie, and it was Laura who’d been able to fill in some of the gaps.
‘No, I didn’t meet him but I did think there might be some shenanigans going on.’
‘Why didn’t you say something?’
‘It was Ellie’s business. If she’d wanted me to know, she would have told me.’ Her response had also been a promise to Fi that Laura wasn’t about to start prying into her personal life.
‘She sounds so happy.’
‘Aye… she’s happy. Did I show you the photos of the painting she did in the second bedroom of the wee house?’
‘Have you got any photos of the donkeys? I said I might go over and make sure their feet are okay but… things have been kind of busy.’
‘I have so many photos – of everything… Let me get my phone. I have to show you the lavender fields, too. Oh, my goodness… you can’t imagine how beautiful they were.’
Laura had shared lots of other photographs over the next week or two, on the new group chat they had created that evening for the family.
Her phone was lying beside the basin, where she’d put it down after turning off the timer for the test. As she picked it up to open a calendar that would be more accurate than trying to do the maths on her fingers, there was a ping to announce a new post in that group chat.
From Ellie.
A photograph of her hand. Her left hand, with a beautiful diamond ring on her finger.
I said yes!!!
The text was surrounded by so many heart emojis that Laura was transported back to the night of the pinnacle of her career so far – the night of the awards dinner. When she’d received that shower of hearts from Noah.
Oh …
Noah …
Laura had been leaning against the wall of her bathroom as she’d stared at the test result. Now she found herself sliding down to end up in a crumpled heap on the floor, her head, as well as her phone, in her hands.
She heard another ping and she could see the messages coming up briefly on her screen as notifications. She knew they wouldn’t be marked as read unless she clicked on them.
Fi sent the first one, with several open-mouthed emojis.
Wow!!! Congrats. So happy for you.
The next was from Jeannie.
Oh, oh, oh. I’m happy crying.
Laura was crying, too, but they weren’t happy tears. Any thought of sharing her own news with her mother had just gone right out the window. She couldn’t spoil this moment. And she couldn’t tell anyone else, could she?
Certainly not Ellie.
Not after Jack…
Fi still felt too distant. She might not even be interested.
And Noah?
Oh, dear Lord, no . She’d promised they were safe. She could still see that fear in his eyes. It would be just as bad as telling Ellie.
Worse…?
Her phone was still pinging.
Fi
Have you set a date?
Ellie
No, but it will be soon. We don’t want to wait. Will you come?
Fi
Of course.
Ellie
Where’s Laura?
Fi
Probably still at work. Or in the gym.
A strangled sound, far too close to a sob, escaped Laura. Imagine if she messaged to say she was sitting on her bathroom floor amongst the shards of her life, having just blown that up?
Call me?
A plea from Jeannie interrupted the rapid-fire exchange between Ellie and Fi.
I can’t type fast enough and I have too many questions!!
It was a reprieve. Nobody would notice if Laura didn’t respond for an hour or two. She could let herself shrink back from the maelstrom of her thoughts in the hope that they might stop spinning quite so fast.
Because it felt as if she had no chance to catch them. And if she couldn’t even catch them, how on earth would she be able to control them?
And fix this?
* * *
After a sleepless night, the hardest thing Laura had ever done was to turn up for her customary 6a.m. session at the gym.
But that was exactly what she did. Because this was the first step in taking back control. Surprisingly, once she was there and had settled into her warm-up on the treadmill, it became easier.
Maybe this was the answer. To carry on as if nothing life-changing had happened. She knew perfectly well that she couldn’t ignore the problem for long, but even a few days might give her the time to process things enough to take the next step.
Nobody present at the staff meeting later that morning had any reason to suspect that Laura Gilchrist – The Property Centre’s regional estate agent of the year – might be struggling to stay at the top of her game.
And the clients she met later that day, to take through a property listing she had in central Oban, had no idea of just how much they were messing with her head from the moment they arrived. Laura had known they were a young couple who were desperate to find their first home.
‘It’s Jamie, isn’t it? Jamie McAlpine?’
‘Aye…’ He was opening the car door for his wife, Catriona, as Laura hurried to meet them at the gate of the property. She came to a very abrupt halt as she saw how difficult it was for the woman to get out of the low-slung sportscar.
‘Oh, my goodness…’
‘I know.’ Catriona was laughing as she hung onto her husband’s hands to get to her feet. ‘We need a new car as well as a house. We’re working on it.’
‘Ah… how long have you got?’
‘About eight weeks.’ The young mother-to-be grinned at Laura as she rubbed the enormous bump of her belly. ‘I know… it’s twins.’
Laura had to resist the urge to rest her hand on her own belly. As if she thought she might be able to feel the tiny limbs of her own baby already? Her voice sounded slightly strangled. ‘Congratulations.’
‘Thank you.’ Jamie’s face shone with pride. ‘If you can find us the house we need and we can move in before our entire universe turns to chaos, we might name one of them after you – even though they’re both boys.’
The laughter broke the tension.
‘Come on in,’ Laura invited. It was a relief to turn away and walk in front of the McAlpines to where the front door of the house was already open. ‘I think you’ll find that this is a perfect family home.’
The three-bedroomed, end-of-terrace house was modest and needed a lot of redecoration, but they loved it.
‘It’s close to my new job,’ Jamie said. ‘I’ve been commuting for well over an hour in Glasgow and I’m over it.’
‘Three bedrooms.’ Catriona shared a look with him. ‘I thought the third would only be a box room but… it’s big enough to be a real bedroom.’
‘And the other ones are more than big enough for two cots.’
Laura had a flashback to the child’s bedroom that Ellie had redecorated in La Maisonette, with the tiny daisies painted on the curved top of the cot and the soft yellow blanket that covered the mattress. But the time travel didn’t stop there. It went further back. Way back, to when she was only six years old and she was staring, in complete wonder, through the bars of a different cot, at the miracle her mother had just brought back from the hospital that day.
Her baby sister, Eleanor. She could even remember the feeling of falling in love with her – so hard it had been overwhelming, making her cry.
She could hear her mother’s voice.
‘What’s the matter, hinny? Do ye no’ like her?’
‘I love her, Mammy… I love her so much…’
‘Come and sit down, then, and you can have a wee hold of her.’
‘It’s got a garden on three sides.’ Catriona looked close to tears. ‘If we fix up the fence at the back, it’ll be perfect for the kids to play in. I’d be able to see them from the kitchen window.’
Laura smiled, as though she could see the happy family picture herself, but all she was really aware of was the memory of baby Ellie being placed in her arms. The weight of her.
The soft, snuffly sounds she was making, like a wee piglet.
And, oh … the smell of her…
She’d been far too young to understand that she’d just fallen head over heels in love, of course. She did realise that her world had just shifted on its axis but she couldn’t have articulated the knowledge that another human being had just become the centre of her universe. That her own happiness was going to be forever linked, inextricably, to the happiness of this person.
Laura had to push the disturbingly vivid memories of how it had felt to hold that tiny baby back to where they belonged, in the distant past, and slam the door on them. That was a completely different life.
She had been a completely different person.
‘ Listen to her… ’ Noah’s voice came from nowhere. ‘ She knows what she needs… ’
That did it. Laura snapped back into the present.
‘You’ve got a nursery and primary school only about a five-minute walk away,’ she informed her clients. ‘And I believe there’s a medical centre in the local shopping precinct. I can check on that and any other questions you might have and get back to you later this afternoon?’
‘I’m not sure we want to wait that long,’ Jamie said. ‘What do you think, Cat? Shall we put in an offer?’
* * *
Ellie and Julien hadn’t wanted to wait too long, either.
The wedding date was set for the middle of December.
‘Almost a Christmas wedding.’ Ellie looked radiant when she video called Laura. ‘How romantic will that be?’
‘And you’re going to do it in France?’
‘It’s my home now,’ Ellie said simply. ‘And… to be honest, there’s this gorgeous church in Tourrettes-sur-Loup and the first time I went inside it I had a bit of a fantasy about getting married there. You could almost hear the echoes of wedding vows from hundreds of years ago. When I told Julien about it and that I’d been dreaming about marrying him , he said that makes it the perfect place for us to get married. We have to do the civil ceremony at the town hall first, but… oh… wait until you see this church. You will come, won’t you?’
‘I wouldn’t miss it.’
‘They don’t have bridesmaids at French weddings. Or groomsmen. But we can choose up to two witnesses who will stand beside us and then sign the register afterwards. Will you be a witness for me? Please ?’
‘Of course.’ It was more than two months away. The mind-numbing inability to make the decisions she needed to make would be a thing of the past by then. Life would be back to normal.
‘I’m going to ask Fi to be a witness, too.’
‘You’re not going to ask us to wear pink, frilly dresses, are you?’
Ellie laughed. ‘You’ll be guests, not bridesmaids, so you can wear whatever you like. I just want you to be a part of the best day of my life.’
‘It will be an honour.’
‘I really hope Fi will feel the same way.’ Ellie’s smile faded. ‘Do you think she’s okay? Mam sounded a bit worried about her.’
‘She came to a family dinner,’ Laura said quietly. ‘That’s more than she’s wanted to do for a very long time.’
‘So you think she’ll want to come to the wedding?’
‘She said she would.’
‘She said she’d come and see the donkeys but she didn’t.’
‘That means she’s got two reasons to come to France now. Let’s tell her how much we want her to come but not push too much. The last thing we want is for her to disappear again.’
‘I’ll try calling her.’ Ellie sighed. ‘I wish I could have had dinner with you all. I miss Mam’s cooking.’
‘We got the whole Sunday special that night. Roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, cauliflower cheese and those really crispy garlic potatoes she makes. Oh, and the gravy… How does she always make it taste so good? It’s just as well she doesn’t do it too often – I’d end up being the size of a bus.’
Laura was prattling. About food , of all things.
It was no surprise that Ellie was blinking in astonishment.
‘Anyway… I’d better go,’ Laura added. ‘We’ll talk soon. I want to hear all about what you’re planning for your wedding dress. Will you have a veil? What sort of flowers will you have in your bouquet? And will Julien’s little boy be involved? Do they have page boys or flower girls if they don’t have bridesmaids?’
Diverting attention from saying something so out of character seemed to be working. Ellie was laughing.
‘I’ll get back to you. Looks like I have a whole questionnaire to fill in first.’
* * *
Why on earth had she gone on and on about Mam’s dinner? Or made that stupid reference to gaining weight. No wonder Ellie had been gobsmacked. Her sisters were perfectly well aware of how disciplined Laura had always been when it came to her diet.
Had she been paving the way to excuse a change in her own body shape when she turned up to the wedding?
In case she was still pregnant then?
As if…!
She’d be… what, about five months gone?
If she wasn’t going to spoil the run-up to Ellie’s wedding by revealing that she was pregnant, would it even be possible to hide her secret well enough to make sure she didn’t drop that bombshell during the actual event?
Good grief… where had that thought come from?
She wasn’t still going to be pregnant in December. It was the last thing she wanted.
This was just one of those annoying voices in the back of her head that meant she couldn’t seem to make the appointments she needed to make.
Okay… it was only one voice.
And Laura knew it was very likely to be the voice that Noah had told her to listen to, but she was fighting back. Arguing with her real self. Clinging on for dear life, in fact.
I don’t want to be a single mother. The argument always started the same way. Look at how hard it was for Mam.
She managed. She adores all of us. Having us was what saved her after Dad walked out.
I didn’t choose this. I don’t want it.
But it’s happened. And, hey… lots of women choose to be single parents these days – it’s a perfectly legitimate life choice.
Not for me.
But what’s the real reason for you not wanting to be a mother? It’s hardly the challenge of doing it by yourself, is it? It’s always been the fear that you might end up in a relationship that was as bad as your mother’s. Or Ellie’s. This way you still get total control over your life and how you bring up your child. You would be choosing this because you want it. So what if it’s not easy? When have you ever backed away from a challenge?
I don’t want this challenge. I love my life just the way it is.
Do you? Really? And will you still feel like that in ten years’ time? You might regret this decision. What if it’s the only chance you’ll ever get of being a mother?
I couldn’t do that to Noah. I’d have to tell him. It would be the worst thing anyone could possibly do to him.
Ah… Noah… The man who showed you how good life can be if you take the time to notice? How good sex can be. What it’s like to fall in love…
Oh… Laura could feel it now. That unique sensation, some kind of internal fireworks, as if every cell in her body was contracting with a flash of joy unlike anything else life could provide.
Life’s never going to be the same, is it? Kind of like knowing how it feels to be pregnant, isn’t it? It doesn’t matter how hard you try – there’s no going back…
Laura had no answer to that but it didn’t shut the voice up fast enough.
You miss him so much, don’t you?
She did…
Long after that call from Ellie had ended, Laura still hadn’t moved. She was sitting in the dark but she didn’t get up to turn on any lights.
She felt almost paralysed by how alone she was. How lonely…
The ticking of the clock that had only come into existence the moment she’d discovered she was pregnant still wasn’t loud enough to drown out something else she could hear, even though it was no more than a whisper now. That voice. The voice of who she really was.
This is what you want. More than you’ve ever wanted anything. Ever.