5. Jade
When I opened my eyes,I was met with a naked chest, covered in tattoos, and an arm wrapped around my waist. Blinking the sleep from my eyes, I figured out the chest I was lying on belonged to Noah. His chest piece had pine trees in the background and a man skating on the ice, hockey stick in hand. I remembered when he came home with that tattoo and how pissed his dad was that he was “inking himself up like a thug.” I shook myself out of the memory when I felt a warm hand cupping my cheek. Noah was awake and looking at me like he was expecting something.
“I’m sorry,” I croaked, my voice hoarse. I cleared my throat and swallowed before trying again. “Sorry, I missed that. What did you say?” I asked.
He smiled at me, and it took me back. Little more than twelve hours ago, I was mad at him. Completely livid and wanting to throttle him. Ever since the incident in the coffee shop, he maintained that controlling behavior. But when he smiled at me like he was right now, the only emotion I felt caused butterflies to erupt in my stomach and send my heart racing.
“I asked you, how are you feeling?” he repeated.
“Oh, um, I feel okay. A little bit of a headache. Why—why did I wake up on your chest? And why aren’t you wearing a shirt?”
Noah smiled, got out of bed, and went to the bathroom, leaving me confused. He came back with a glass of water and some Tylenol.
“Don’t you remember anything about last night?”
I sat up and took the pills, knocking them back with the water, draining the cup quickly.
“I remember meeting my friends at the party, and Jacob kept pushing me to drink more. I knew what he was doing, but I just . . . didn’t care. Then I sorta don’t remember much after that. Guess I let it get out of control. I don’t think I did, but please tell me I didn’t sleep with him, or anyone else,” I muttered, embarrassed I let it get that far.
“Do you really think we would be sitting here calmly talking about it if that was the case, Jade?” He cocked his eyebrow in question. His voice was calm, but I could see the agitation on his face.
My eyelids fluttered, and I frowned. It was too early for him to confuse me like this. “God, Noah. Why do you care? I get you wanna do the whole protective thing, but I have to make my own mistakes if I’m going to learn anything,” I explained.
I was still so bewildered as to why he was so against me being with anyone. While I didn’t want to drunkenly sleep with some guy and I was grateful Noah had helped, I didn’t understand his motive. I got it—most guys wouldn”t want to think of their sisters with anyone, and he had a problem with Jacob, but this was extreme.
He kneeled on the bed, right in front of me, and leaned over so he was hovering above me. His face was so close to mine, and I felt overwhelmed by him. My eyes fell to his lips, and I was gripped by the urge to kiss him.
When Noah first showed up in my life, he was the son of my mom”s fiancé—my soon-to-be stepbrother. Of course, I thought he was gorgeous. I mean, I had eyes. But then I hadn”t known a thing about him. I was sure we would have forged some friendship or some sort of camaraderie if he’d been around more, but before he left and when he came home on breaks, he was with his friends, and I was with mine. I went on dates with guys from my school and tried to forget about Noah.
When he started college, I would go to games as often as I could to support him. It was under the ruse that my parents had forced me, but I wanted there to be a relationship, a friendship. We just never had time for each other, not if it meant sacrificing a part of our separate lives. That was why the way he was acting was so confusing.
Now, with his lips so close to mine and his woodsy smell enveloping me, I remembered my old feelings for him. When he inched closer and his tongue swiped his lips to wet them, I inhaled sharply. I could see him kissing me so clearly in my mind. When his lips brushed against mine, I exhaled through my nose. Deciding to throw caution to the wind, I draped my arm around his neck, pressing my mouth to his with more pressure. His hands fisted my hair, and before I could process more than the fact that I was kissing my stepbrother, his tongue sought entrance to my mouth. I opened my mouth to him, my tongue melding with his. I was about to rise on my knees to get closer when there was a knock on the door. I pulled away from him like I’d been shocked.
Noah and I had just kissed like it was no big deal. Almost like it was natural. What the actual fuck was going on? It was weird because even though I was aware of how wrong it was, I wanted to do it again. Noah gave me a concerned, searching look, but before either of us could say anything, there was another knock.
“Noah, I gotta talk to you. Ruby and I broke up again.” Callum’s rough voice came through the closed door.
Noah raked his hands through his hair. “Fuck.”
“You better answer it. It seems pretty important,” I said, as I got off the bed and headed into the bathroom.
Once the door was closed, I leaned against it and slid down until my ass hit the ground. I fisted my hair in my hands, my head falling forward. Having no idea what I was doing was nothing new to me, but with Noah, the feeling came stronger than ever. I only had one boyfriend in my past, and he fucked up my entire life. Beliefs and ideals I had before him had been uprooted. My self-esteem and confidence had definite battle scars. Flashes of Noah and me kissing strobed in my mind, and without giving it a second thought, my fingers traced my lips.
My phone rang from the other room and broke me out of my reverie. I made it out of the bathroom and into the bedroom in record time, but once there, it took me a minute to find my phone. It was in the pocket of the pants I wore last night and at two percent power. I had two missed calls, one from my mom and the other from my stepdad. Well, that wasn’t good. Plugging my phone in with my long cord, I texted my mom.
Jade
My phone is almost dead. I’ll have to call you when it’s done charging.
Mom
No problem, honey. I just wanted to know if you could take some pictures for me of the game. We aren’t going to be able to make it tonight.
I sighed and blew out a deep breath. I had almost forgotten the guys had a game tonight. It seemed impossible that I was the same Jade who went to a party last night and trusted the wrong people. I had no idea what I was thinking of letting Jacob offer me drink after drink just to forget about all the shit I had been trying to maintain. It was a mistake, but I was getting really good at making those it seemed.
Noah and I kissing had just added more to my pile. It wasn’t like I was some innocent virgin who had never kissed a guy, but Noah was a different story. He was my stepbrother, and this needed to be my mantra going forward. In addition to all the ways things would turn to shit if this went any further with him, I had to remind myself of that.
Jade
Sure, Mom. I will send you what I can. Have a good day.
I flung my phone onto the bed before I grabbed a hoodie from my closet and headed to the kitchen. My place was made at the table, like always, with the guys all sitting down. Callum was there, and I wasn’t surprised to see he looked like shit. If his words about breaking up with his girlfriend were true, then he probably had a rough night. It also meant he wouldn’t be moving out anytime soon. Meaning I would still be bunking with Noah. Well, shit. I walked over to the cupboard, grabbed a glass, and filled it with orange juice before sitting down with everyone else. They’d had to move the glasses after my first day here. Everyone but me was six feet tall or higher. I was five foot nothing.
There was talking and joking as there always was with these guys. They were teammates, but also friends, and you could see they had a strong bond. Oli nudged my arm because I had been quiet since I sat down. I gave him a small smile, but I wasn’t in the mood to engage right now. Oli and I had talked and spent time together recently, so he was who I was closest to out of the guys, but I was fond of even Ryder and Finn. They had all accepted me and were protective. Regardless of whatever weird thing was going on between Noah and me, I was surprised to find they all had come to the party for me. They usually didn’t go to house parties; they were so far beyond that now. I assumed they were all worried that Jacob would try to do something to me. Apparently, they weren’t far off the mark.
“Hey, Noah,” I spoke up finally, because I needed to paint. When I got in this mood, I needed to expel it, and the canvas was the safest and best place to do it. “I was wondering since we are sharing a room, is there anywhere I can paint? I don’t want to assume you’d be okay with me doing it in your room.” I chanced a look at him, and he appeared thoughtful.
He was quiet for a minute as he chewed and swallowed. He nodded. “Yeah. Whatever is comfortable for you, I’m fine with it. If you want to do it in the office, living room, or the kitchen, I’m okay as long as everyone else is.”
There were agreements from Oli and a grunt from Callum, so I smiled at them. We finished breakfast, and I knew the guys had to be at the arena hours before the game, but I didn’t know what they did before then. They were all hanging out in the living room, so I headed back to Noah’s room. I was surprised when he followed me a few minutes later. Unplugging my phone from the charger, I barely gave him my attention when he walked in.
“Can we talk, Jade?” he asked, his voice quiet.
“Sure. What’s up?” I tried to seem unaffected and not think about all the things he could want to say.
“I’m sure you heard Callum say he broke up with his girl Ruby, which is who he was supposed to be moving in with. Are you okay with still staying here, even if it means you have to share a room with me?” He seemed to be worried I would say no.
“I don’t have anywhere else to go, except home, and I refuse, if it’s okay to stay here. The commute isn’t that bad, but I don’t want to stay with my mom and your dad my first year of college. It’s not really a choice.” I shrugged.
“Yeah, but I thought there would be a separate room soon when I offered to let you stay here.”
“Wait, you offered? My mom made it seem like she had to convince you.”
“No, she asked if I knew anyone who had a room. I offered because I know you wouldn’t just be comfortable with some stranger.”
“Wow,” I muttered to myself. Sighing, I looked at him. “Well, there’s not another room. It’s okay. We’ll deal with it as we go along,” I reassured him, not wanting to talk in circles about this.
He looked like he wanted to say more, but he shrugged and headed to the bathroom. He came out dressed nicely. It wasn’t necessarily a suit, but the coach made them dress up before games. The NHL would make them wear suits before changing into their uniforms. It seemed counterproductive to me, but I wouldn’t complain. He left the room, and I followed him to say farewell to the other guys who had all arrived to drive to the arena together.
I grabbed a clean canvas,setting it on my easel. Then, I grabbed my wooden pallet before squirting my colors on it. After I grabbed my paintbrush, I tucked it behind my ear as I stared. I tried not to think about Noah and me kissing earlier, but the emotions poured out of me, and I started to paint.
The contrast of colors showed my emotional turmoil. An eighteen-year-old girl shouldn”t feel so messed up about kissing a guy. It wasn”t fair, and as I often did, I wished to be normal. I didn”t want the dark cloud my ex had made to constantly hover over me. While I had gotten justice for what he did, the trauma didn”t just immediately go away when he went to jail. There was also the possibility of him getting out early or escaping, which had me constantly looking over my shoulder.
I painted until I felt like I almost needed another nap. Getting the mess in my head out on the canvas felt cathartic. I had painted a scene where the sun was setting and dark blue was starting to settle over the land. It was in contrast with the yellow, pink, and purple colors. I remembered it wasn”t that long ago when I was in a constant state of night.
Having to tell my parents that I had been messing around with a guy eight years older than me and that I had fallen for a predator”s tricks was one of the most shameful and embarrassing things I had ever done. But to have to tell a police officer, with them sitting in the room, the things he had done to me made me hit a new low. I knew now the horrified looks and disgust on their faces were aimed toward my ex, but at the time, I thought they were disgusted with me.
My mom pressed charges, obviously, because I was a minor and I was under the age of consent, which was seventeen in Illinois. He went to jail, and I went to therapy. My mom and stepdad assumed that was the extent of the situation, and for them, things went back to normal. The one or two times I tried to bring it up, they just called my therapist, figuring it was handled, so I learned not to talk to them about the nightmares. I continued to have them regularly, and the only relief I got was from Noah when he was home that summer. I also didn”t mention the way I felt like I had been stained. I was in a dark place and stayed there for a while. Luckily, I had my art to help pull me out. Eventually, I learned to lock it up tight and put it aside in my mind. Call it unhealthy all you want, but it was how I coped.
I looked at the clock, realizing I had been in my painting daze for longer than I should have been. I got my stuff cleaned up and jumped in the shower to wash away the paint on my skin along with the events of this morning and last night.
I huffed as I placed the curling iron down because the worry started circulating in my head again. I needed to get my shit together so I could get out of my head about Noah. I didn’t know why I was so worried about kissing my stepbrother. It wasn’t like I was in love with Noah.
After I finished with my hair and makeup, I carefully pulled my T-shirt off to replace it with the jersey that Noah gave me a couple of days ago. The number 15 was printed on the front and his last name, Smith, was emblazoned across the back. When the guys begged me to come to their game, Noah immediately offered up one of his old jerseys. I had to go anyway for my article, but it still made me feel included. I really didn’t understand why or what was going on with Noah, but I stupidly felt like I was being claimed even though he wasn’t admitting to anything of the sort. I was resolute in simply going and enjoying myself tonight with Cora and hoping this would be an uncomplicated night, absent of too much drama.