Frozen Heat

10. Jade

The followingweek was much the same. I would go with the guys to their practices every night. Friday, they played another game, and of course, they won. I wondered what I would do with myself when they had to travel for their games. I would find out soon because next week”s game was an away game. Life was fairly normal, and I almost forgot about the weird texts I had gotten the week before, until I received two more while I was in class earlier. I ignored them just as I had before, but it was harder to pretend it wasn’t happening.

The context of them was kind of conversational but with just a hint of a threat. One told me again that I was beautiful, and the other was much more eloquent, but basically asked which roommate I was fucking. This time, they actually used my name, so I couldn’t pretend they weren’t meant for me. To be fair, I had wanted to go there with Noah, but no one knew that, so I wanted to know why this wacko thought we were fucking. I should have replied with “all of them” just to see what they would’ve done. My thoughts, though, were that it was best not to engage them.

I thought back to the conversation Oli and I had last night. I had confided in him about the other text messages and begged him not to tell the others. He had wanted to round up the calvary, but he agreed to my plea with the exception that if it escalated, I had better tell Noah or he would. This didn’t seem like an escalation to me. It was just someone texting me. It made me wonder momentarily how they got my phone number in the first place, but I forgot about it shortly thereafter. It just didn’t seem that important.

I was in denial mode, not wanting to admit this was happening. I knew I had backup in terms of the group of guys I had become friends with, but I didn’t know if I wanted to test the trust I could put in them. It was still a fragile thing, my ability to trust. Even though I was suspicious as to who it could be, fear and anxiety kept me from searching too far.

Friday night, after the game, Cora tried to get me to go to another party with her, but I was kind of over getting drunk and regretting it the next day. I still needed to talk to Noah, but I didn”t want to do it while the house was full with the other guys. He and I never seemed to be alone lately, and I wanted that for when we talked. This wasn’t something I was willing to share with everyone right now.

When I came downstairs on Saturday morning, I got my wish because Noah was sitting there by himself, causing me to look around for the other guys.

“Where is everyone at?” I asked him curiously.

“Hey, good morning to you too, little sis. Oli and Callum are getting some breakfast. We didn’t want to cook. Finn and Ryder aren’t joining us today,” he explained.

“Sorry. Hello, Noah. Good morning. I do hope that it’s been a fabulous day so far,” I said, making sure to make my tone saccharine sweet. I fluttered my eyelashes and smiled at him. He rolled his eyes and then patted the seat next to him on the couch. I took the seat he indicated.

“So, they’ll be back soon?” I asked, trying to feign a nonchalance I wasn’t feeling. “I wanted to talk to you about something, and I don’t think we’ll have time before they get back.” He leaned forward, his forearms resting on his thighs. “What did you want to talk about?”

I sighed and pushed my hair back from my face, fisting it with my hand before letting it go. “About the past. Finn and I got to talking. He told me about growing up, and I wanted to reciprocate and tell him about my past, but I felt like you should hear it first. Not to mention, I should be the one to tell you. I don’t like talking about it, but I also don’t like that you don’t know.” I played with the hem of my shirt and glanced down at my hands. “You helped so much the summer after it happened by holding me after the nightmares. You never asked what happened, and I knew you didn’t have the full picture.”

Noah cut off my rambling, which would have continued, by placing his hand on my thigh. He squeezed, but it was a comforting gesture instead of being awkward.

“I appreciate you wanting to tell me first, but I don’t want you to feel like you owe me your story. I’m not going anywhere, regardless. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

I shook my head before he could finish, and I turned to face him. “This is coming out wrong. I don’t feel pressured or like I have to tell you because you want to know. I want you to know. I just hate talking about it.”

“I can hold your hand if you need me to,” he said, giving me a teasing grin.

It helped to lift the heavy, and I chuckled with him. I grabbed his hand, just wanting to feel his skin against mine. His smile got wider.

“There’s a party tonight for us, and I already really didn’t want to go. It’s not mandatory, so I will just tell the guys that I’m gonna hang back with you. We can talk then. If you decide you don’t want to tell me, that’s okay, too.”

”Okay. If you”re sure you don”t want to go to your party.” I was unsure about him missing it because of me, but I wasn”t about to challenge him on it.

”I’m sure. So, Finn told you about his childhood, and you told him nothing?” Noah asked, looking skeptical.

”I gave him very basic info. Just that I was with an older guy, and it was a mistake.” My tone was cryptic, but I didn’t want to talk about it right now. At a certain point, I wouldn’t be able to stop once I started.

Noah’s head swiveled comically toward me, faster than I thought was humanly possible. “How much older?”

“That’s what we’ll be talking about tonight.”

“Why did you want to tell me before anyone else?” he wondered. “I appreciate it, but I don’t understand.”

Drawing one of my knees up on the cushion, I grabbed his hand again. “I know we’ve never been super close, but when I needed someone, you seemed intent on being there for me, even at times when I didn’t think I wanted you,” I said, teasing him about his overprotectiveness. “For so long, I wanted there to be some sort of . . . bond between us, and it feels like things have shifted. At least, I hope they have.” I tried not to sound as vulnerable as I felt. Even though we had kissed before, it didn’t always mean the same thing to guys. The mere fact that he was trying to show me that he would be there for me made me want to open up, but I was so fucking scared to keep believing him. Entrusting him.

He nodded. “Things are different. I did try to keep my distance when we were younger, because I was almost eighteen. and that could have been problematic, plus my dad warned me to keep my distance.”

I looked at him, my eyebrows. “He did? Why?”

Noah slid his hand from mine and spread his arms out, before tipping his head. “I’m the bad influence. The cocky hockey player who is only interested in sleeping his way through the female population,” he sneered. “They didn’t want me to taint you.” He scoffed.

I could tell he tried not to put stock into the way people saw him, but it was there, just under the surface. It bothered him. His parents had no idea who he was. Even I had been learning so much about the real him since I moved here, where I had never really bothered to look deeper before. I had wondered. The guy who was there the minute his younger stepsister woke up screaming most nights and stayed until she felt safe, wasn’t who everyone believed he was. The fact that my mom and his dad thought he was a bad influence made me want to laugh. The man who took my virginity, then did horrible things to me afterward was the one who was a bad influence. Noah could never. At least I didn’t get that vibe from him.

“You can’t taint someone who’s already ruined,” I said in a small voice.

I was surprised when I felt his hands on my face, forcing me to look at him. He looked intense. Not exactly angry, but maybe anguished. I could tell he didn’t like what I was saying. He shook his head.

“You aren’t ruined, Jade. It may feel that way, and I get it, but giving that asshole that much power isn’t going to continue. You survived what he did to you, and he will never touch you again. I will make damn sure of that.”

I opened my mouth to respond, but the front door slammed open with the exuberance that only two male hockey players with food could summon. They both bid me good morning as they passed to the kitchen. Callum and I still hadn’t bonded much, but he was nice to me. Noah gestured with his head to join them. We both got up from the couch and then followed the other guys. As I stood in the kitchen helping them unpack and unbox all the food, I wondered idly if I would be able to gather the courage to tell Noah.

How much did I actually want to reveal? My parents knew more than anyone else, and even they didn”t know everything. I just told the cops what they needed to know to put the asshole behind bars. I also wanted to know why Noah was making promises. At the end of this semester, he and his teammates would head off to pursue their NHL dreams, and I”d still be here. How could he protect me from miles away? I shoved all those thoughts out of my head as we took our seats at the table to eat breakfast, and I threw myself into the conversation going on around me.

The guys balkeda little when Noah backed out of the party, but they didn”t seem that surprised. Ryder and Finn had just shown up because they were going with Oli and Callum. Finn knew of my plan to tell Noah about my past, so his look was more knowing than anything. I wanted Noah to know, but there was a small part of me that was jealous I was gonna be here while they were at a lavish party. The ones they went to were so different from the frat house parties I had been going to. They all looked so handsome in dressy clothes with their hair styled perfectly. It differed from their everyday attire, but I was happy to be alone with Noah tonight.

I gave them all hugs and wished them luck at their event. I headed into our shared room to change real quick and put my hair up in a messy ponytail. Once I had my lounge clothes on, I returned to the living room. Noah was sitting on the couch, a book in his lap and a notepad on the coffee table in front of him.

I sat next to him and looked over his broad shoulders to see he was working on a math assignment. Making a face and harrumphing, I sat back. I hated math with a passion. Math was supposed to just have numbers, and then in middle and high school, they switched it on us and included the alphabet. No, thank you.

Noah must have heard me because he turned and laughed at my expression. ”Not everyone can be talented with a paintbrush like you. The rest of us have to use our brains.”

I scoffed. ”Says the guy who can skate faster than most and handle a stick and puck while doing it. You have talent, so don”t act like you have to try that hard,” I teased. Aside from the fact that what I said was true, he was very smart and got good grades.

”Touche,” he murmured. Closing his notepad and placing it on top of his textbook, he gave me a wary look. ”Before we get into what you want to talk about, I have a question. Feel free to tell me to shove it, but I gotta try.”

Furrowing my brows, I nodded. I was curious what he looked so concerned about. ”Sure. Ask and we”ll see if I feel like answering.” I smiled, just to ease his worry a little.

He gave me a small smile. He cleared his throat. ”What—fuck.” He ran his hand through his hair. ”What’s been going on between us? Am I imagining it?” His tone was the most vulnerable I had ever heard him be, so I had to tell him something,

Did I tell him the truth? I blew out a big breath. Lately, the thoughts that ran through my head about him were starting to border on X-rated. Being honest was the best option. “Both of the times we kissed, I wanted it to happen. You definitely aren’t imagining it.”

He sagged with relief. The way he was acting was weird. He didn”t seem that shocked that I basically said I wanted him, and he didn”t seem disgusted either.

Was there something I didn”t know? Had I read it all wrong? Hope was starting to bloom in me, and I needed to squash it down. ”Why aren”t you freaking out about me telling you that I”m attracted to you? You should be concerned. I mean, you”re my brother.”

He chuckled and shook his head. ”Stepbrother for one. And for two, it”s about damn time. I may have had a bit of a thing for you since we were younger. Did you ever stop to wonder why I always made it first to your room when you had a nightmare? I sat outside your room almost every night waiting since the first one happened,” he said simply, as if he wasn”t dropping a bomb at my feet. ”Think of all the things that have happened since you moved in. The possessive, protective man I”ve turned into. The way I look at you. When I touch you.”

He caressed my thigh, and I saw exactly what he was talking about now that he pointed it out. That reverent, tender look. Noah wanted a connection, apparently for a while, but it had nothing to do with how a brother should feel about his sister. Luckily, we weren’t related at all.

I had no idea what to say. I”d had these thoughts when I was much younger, more na?ve. When I believed in romance and giving your heart to someone could be wonderful and beautiful. After everything with my ex and especially when Noah went to college, I put those thoughts away. I could barely hug my stepdad for more than a few seconds, let alone have any type of relationship with any guy.

I honestly thought for a while that I would die as an old maid. While I could appreciate the attractiveness of another woman, beyond that, it didn”t do anything for me so that wasn’t an option. Then, when I moved in and started to think about him again, I knew he couldn”t feel that way about me. I was damaged goods. He just didn”t know the extent. I shook my head finally.

“You don’t want me, Noah. I’m not invalidating your feelings, but there is so much you don’t know.”

“Nothing you tell me could change the way I feel about you,” he said before I had a chance to explain further.

“Hold onto that feeling, then. I have a story to tell you,” I started, knowing already that he was only going to get part of it. I would tell him what he could handle. So much of it was ugly, and it was in the past, which is where it should probably stay. He needed to know though why I was the way I was.