CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
The moment Jesse and Nolan arrived home, Nolan went up to his room, resisting any attempt Jesse made to talk with him.
So Jesse hopped in the shower to wash off the smell of horses, then dressed in team sweats and curled up on the sectional in the basement. He burrowed into a pile of soft blankets, his heart aching for Nolan and Connor, because none of this was easy.
Truthfully, he was feeling low for himself too, because he was afraid Connor was done with him. Was he angry with Jesse for keeping Nolan’s sexuality a secret?
Jesse believed he’d done the right thing, but would Connor see it that way? Or would he think Jesse had overstepped?
And this church thing made Jesse uneasy.
Connor loved his son. He’d support him through thick and thin, would fight for him even if it meant going up against his ex-wife, Jesse didn’t doubt that. But Kelly’s coming out had driven a wedge between Connor and the religion he’d grown up in. So why was he turning back to it now?
Was he feeling guilty for his involvement with Jesse? Bargaining with God that he’d stop sleeping with Jesse if only God would help him convince Viv to come around? Because that idea didn’t seem so farfetched to Jesse.
Connor would do anything for Nolan.
And that was good. Jesse wanted that for Nolan.
Jesse just didn’t want Connor to set him aside. He didn’t want Connor making bargains with God if it meant they were over. He wanted Connor to trust in himself. To trust that what he and Jesse had was good .
It was right.
Jesse’s stomach ached and he buried his face in a throw pillow. It smelled of Connor’s cologne. It was the one he leaned against whenever he sat down to watch TV or a movie and Jesse wanted to scream into it because it made him want Connor’s arms around him and to feel Connor’s lips against his temple.
He hadn’t realized how much more settled he felt when Connor was close. Right now, he needed Connor and he wasn’t here .
Instead, Connor was in some stupid church instead of here at home where he belonged.
Jesse released a muffled scream, then rolled onto his back. It twinged, tight from the horseback riding, and he brought his legs up, grabbing his feet, shifting into happy baby pose.
It would be better on the floor but he was too lazy to move.
Jesse stared up at the ceiling while he held the stretch. Damn it, Connor , he thought. Get your ass home, you idiot.
When Jesse’s back and hips felt looser, he picked up his phone.
He found himself scrolling through social media, thumbing through conversations with friends and former teammates. He thought about reaching out to one of them—Dustin maybe, because he was good at listening—and talking about what happened.
Asking for advice.
But he couldn’t do that without outing Connor and Nolan and that was the last thing he wanted. Everyone in the league was too damn nosy. They’d figure out who he was involved with in two seconds flat.
Fuck !
Jesse landed on a text from his mom and hesitated. His parents wouldn’t tell anyone and while they might figure out who he was talking about, they might not. And if he didn’t name Connor and Nolan, then it would be okay, right?
Jesse shot her a text. Hey, are you around? I need some advice.
He got a quick reply. I’ve got half an hour before I have to leave for an event. You want to call now?
Jesse dialed her number.
She answered immediately. “Hey, sweetheart. From the pictures you sent earlier today, it looked like you had a great day riding. Did something go wrong?”
“Umm, kind of,” he admitted with a sigh. “Okay, so I need you to do something for me.”
“Sure. What is it?”
“I’m going to talk about some people and you can’t ask any questions about who they are, okay?”
“Okayyy.” She sounded amused. “I can do that.”
“So there’s this guy,” Jesse said. “And I like him a lot. Like … a lot. A lot. But it’s complicated because he’s divorced and has kids and has never been with a guy before and his son is gay and …”
The whole thing—minus the steamy details—came spilling out and when Jesse was done, his mom was silent for a moment.
“Well,” she finally said. “It sounds like this guy cares about you.”
“I know he does. I just don’t know if his religion is more important than me.”
“Oh, Jess …”
“Yeah,” he said with a sigh. “I mean, like, I get it. But our family’s not religious so I don’t get it get it, you know?”
“Right.”
“I’m not saying I wish we were,” Jesse said hastily. “I don’t need Sky Daddy telling me to be a decent person.”
His mom laughed. “You’re more than a decent person.”
“Thanks. I try.” He smiled, lifting one leg straight in the air and wrapping his arm around it. He definitely did his best thinking when he was stretching. “But like, we both know I’m a creator of chaos.”
She laughed again. “Well, yes, sometimes it does seem to follow you around.”
“He—my guy—he calls me his chaos demon,” Jesse muttered. “Like … a cute little nickname.”
“That is cute,” she said.
“But like … what if it’s too much? My—my chaos . What if he blames me for what happened today? What if he … can’t handle that anymore?”
“I think you’re worrying about nothing,” his mom said. “But I suppose it’s possible.”
“But what do I do?”
“Well, you need to talk to him about it.”
“I’m not the problem here when it comes to talking,” Jesse pointed out.
She chuckled. “I see that. But tell him how important it is to you. If he really cares about you, if he’s the kind of guy who deserves you, he’ll try. Even if he’s not great at it, he’ll make the effort.”
“True.” Jesse sighed and let his leg drift down to meet the other. “Ugh. Hookups are so much easier, dude.”
“Well, dude ,” she said. “Are they as satisfying? Emotionally, I mean.”
“No,” he grumbled. “It’s better with—with him .”
“Then you have to be a little patient until he comes home.”
“Ugghh,” Jesse said. “You know I’m no good at that!”
“I do. But I also know you are very good at working hard. And if you want something bad enough, nothing will stop you. Do you want him bad enough to do that?”
Jesse thought of Connor’s smile and his laugh and the way his arms felt around Jesse when they slept. He thought of Evie talking nonstop through the whole ride today, eyes sparkling as she told him every last thing that crossed her mind. He thought of Maura’s little smile when he tucked her in bed after reading her a story, and Nolan’s trust when he’d come to Jesse with his problems.
“Yeah. I do. And I don’t want to lose any of them,” he whispered.
“Then be there for them while they navigate this. Give your—your guy some time to figure out what he wants. Not everyone is as rash as you are, sweetheart. You throw yourself headlong into life and we love that about you but sometimes other people need time to catch up, okay? Give him that. And love those kids and be there for them and—tough though it may be—accept it may take time for his ex to come around.”
“I’ll do my best,” Jesse said thickly.
“I believe in you.”
“Thanks, Mom,” he whispered.
“Of course. Any time.”
“Tell Dad I love him?”
“Of course. He loves you back. And we’ll see you in a few weeks when the team’s in California, yeah?”
“Yeah, definitely,” he agreed. He couldn’t wait .
After they said their goodbyes, he hung up and tossed his phone aside, slipping into a light doze. It wasn’t until he heard the door open upstairs that he sat up, throwing aside the blanket he’d wrapped himself in.
Jesse jogged up the stairs, skidding through the kitchen and living room in his socks to come face-to-face with a startled-looking Connor.
“Hey,” Jesse said weakly, stuffing his hands into his hoodie pockets.
“Hey,” Connor replied. His voice seemed especially deep right now and there was something different about his expression. The pain and confusion in his eyes earlier was gone now.
Jesse didn’t know whether he should be hopeful or not.
Connor didn’t stop to take off his shoes or remove his coat, just stepped forward and cupped Jesse’s cheeks in his calloused hands.
“I love you,” Connor whispered.
Jesse blinked, whispering, “ What ?” because he was sure he couldn’t possibly have heard him right.
Connor smiled. “I love you, Jesse Webber. I love everything about you. And I don’t know if you love me or if this is the life you want. I don’t know anything right now. But I know I love you. And I wanted you to know that too.”
“ Connor ,” Jesse whispered because his head was whirling and he’d never seen this coming. He’d thought Connor might end things, might tell him he had to go. But a love confession? No, he’d never expected that. “I …”
Jesse thought about the warm feeling he’d had in his chest lately and how good it felt and how Connor had made Boston feel like home. He thought of his fear of losing Connor, of this ending, and everything suddenly made a lot more sense.
Jesse laughed. “Oh,” he said, smiling. “So that’s what this is?”
Connor laughed too, his face a mixture of puzzled and happy, his eyes creasing at the corners, his smile widening. “You—you feel it too?”
“I—I don’t know. I’ve never been in love before,” Jesse said. “But I—I think that’s what this is.”
“Jesse,” Connor whispered, his voice tender, his face so open and happy that Jesse had to pull him closer or he’d explode. “You—Oh, God, we’re not very smart at all, are we?”
“No,” Jesse said. “I don’t think we are. But that’s okay, because we’re together now, right?”
“Yeah, we are.” Connor pressed his lips to Jesse’s forehead. “It’ll be alright if we’re stupid together.”
Jesse let out a little laugh and closed his eyes, letting himself float in the happy, warm feeling with Connor’s lips against his skin and his rough palms against his cheek.
“I had no idea love felt like this ,” Jesse whispered. “I think I would have looked for it sooner if I’d known.”
Connor made a little noise that was suspiciously close to a growl when he pulled back. “Not while I’m around.”
“Oh, don’t be dumb,” Jesse said, opening his eyes and smiling. “ You’re the one I love, Captain Growly.”
“I damn well better be.” Connor dipped his head, kissing Jesse.
“Uhhhh,” someone said from the stairs and Jesse lifted his head to see Nolan staring at them wide-eyed.
Damn it , the kid really was as quiet as a cat. Jesse didn’t know how he tiptoed around with a body that was only half-grown. Jesse had been a total klutz for a while at that age.
“Shit.” Connor dropped his hands from Jesse’s face but just when Jesse thought he might step away and pretend like nothing had happened, he grabbed Jesse’s hand, his palm sweaty but his grip tight. “Uh, this isn’t how we planned to tell you, Nolan. How I planned to tell you I’m—I’m bi.”
Nolan stared, slack-jawed at them both for a moment before he sputtered, “What? So this whole time I was stressed out about telling you, Dad, you were with Jesse ?”
Connor winced. “Uhh, yeah. I’m sorry about that.”
“I told you your dad would understand!” Jesse reminded Nolan.
Nolan made a face. “I thought you meant he was gonna be supportive because he loves me! Not because he’s like me!”
Connor scratched the back of his neck. “Uhh, sorry. I should have told you about myself sooner, Nols. But I … I didn’t know how to.”
Nolan rolled his eyes. “Whatever. So are you and Jesse dating then?”
Connor glanced over at him with a shrug. “I guess so?”
Jesse whacked him on the chest with their clasped hands. “Dude, you love me. We better be dating!”
Connor gave him a sheepish look.
Jesse shook his head. Connor was so hopeless. Good thing he was … wonderful in every other way, Jesse thought with a dreamy sigh that probably would have disgusted him six months ago.
Whatever. He was allowed to be a little giddy about realizing he was in love with someone for the first time.
“Oh, by the way,” Nolan said. “Kyler and I are totally dating. That’s what I wanted to tell you earlier.”
Connor sputtered. “When did that happen?”
“Like … two days ago. It happened on the bus trip. Jesse was a big help.”
Connor turned to look at him. “You— that was what all this was about? Fuck, I thought you wanted to quit hockey, Nolan!”
“No!” Nolan looked horrified. “Why would I want that? I love hockey.”
“I thought—” Connor let out a sigh. “God, I really am dumb, aren’t I?”