CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
After way too many big surprises for a single day, Connor hugged his son, hugged Jesse, then went to shower.
Apparently, Nolan had already cleaned up and Jesse had too, so when Connor came downstairs to the basement, he found Jesse stretching on the sofa and Nolan sprawled in the chair, deep in conversation.
Connor paused on the stairs, watching them for a little bit, liking the earnest look on Jesse’s face as he listened to everything Nolan said.
Eventually, Nolan looked up. “Hey, what are you doing hanging out there like a weirdo, Dad?”
He shrugged. “Wasn’t sure if you wanted company or not.”
“Yeah,” Nolan said. “Jesse and I were just talking about stuff.”
“About what happened today?” Connor asked, coming down the last few steps.
Nolan nodded.
“Did you decide anything?” Connor asked.
Connor walked over, pressing a kiss to his son’s head before he took a seat next to Jesse. Jesse wiggled closer, so Connor leaned against Jesse’s shoulder. Jesse reached out, wrapping his arm around Connor’s waist and threading their fingers together.
Nolan’s gaze darted to them, curious and clearly trying to get used to the idea of them together.
“Nols?” Connor prompted.
“Oh, no,” he said, pulling his knees up and resting his chin on them. “Didn’t really make any decisions. Just like … we agreed it’s gonna suck telling Mom.”
Connor sighed. “Which part?”
“Uhh, all of it?”
Connor winced because he couldn’t deny that. “Probably,” he agreed. “But she already knows about me and Jesse. She doesn’t like it but now she knows. What you tell your mother about your sexuality and you dating Kyler … that’s up to you.”
“Would you tell her for me?” Nolan asked, eyes wide and hopeful.
“If you want, I can,” Connor said slowly. “I’ll be honest though. I don’t know if that’ll make it better or worse.”
Nolan chewed his lip. “True.”
“You don’t have to decide tonight though,” Connor assured him. “You can think about it for a bit.”
“Okay.”
“Now,” Connor said. “I wanna talk about all of this stuff with you but I’m starving . Are you good with me ordering some food? I’m feeling too tired to cook.”
He’d been in playoff games less exhausting than today had been.
“Please!” Nolan said urgently. “I’m so hungry.”
Behind him, Connor could hear Jesse’s chuckle and he craned his neck to look at him. “What about you?”
“Food is good.” Jesse squeezed his hand. “What are you thinking?”
“There’s this place nearby that does some killer lobster mac n cheese and clam chowder.”
Jesse shot him a skeptical look. “That’s not exactly on our diet plan.”
“Nope,” Connor said. “I don’t care. I’m tired, I’m hungry, and this has been a day . I’m eating comfort food and I’m not gonna feel guilty about it.”
“Fair enough. Show me the menu so I can pick out something too.”
Connor directed him to the restaurant’s site.
Jesse laughed. “Legal Seafood? I mean, better than illegal, I guess but …”
“Yeah,” Connor agreed “Weird name, good food.”
“Works for me.”
Jesse was silent a moment while he scrolled through the menu. “Well, I was going to stick to my nutrition plan but everyone here in Boston keeps talking about the lobster rolls and this place has some …”
“Worth it,” Connor assured him. “This place has good ones.”
“Butter drenched or traditional lemon mayo?”
“Lemon mayo,” Nolan and Connor both said in unison.
“Well, alright then. Traditional lobster roll with the house salad, please.”
“Done,” Connor said after he’d added them to his online order. “Nols?”
“Clams and linguine. And Boston Cream Pie. It’s my favorite dessert,” he told Jesse.
“Just like your Uncle Kelly,” Connor said absently. He added a couple of slices to the order, then submitted it. The restaurant was about a mile from his place. It shouldn’t take long.
It wasn’t until Connor was done with the order that he glanced up to see his son looking apprehensively at him.
“That’s okay, right? If I’m like Uncle Kelly?”
Connor swallowed thickly, realizing how true his earlier statement had been. “If you grow up to be like your Uncle Kelly, that could only be a good thing,” he assured his son. “I give him shit but he’s smart, he’s a good person, a helluva hockey player, and a good husband. That’s all I want for you. I want you to be happy and healthy and loved. I wanted that when you were born and I still want it now.”
“Thanks,” Nolan whispered and Connor had to blink back tears.
“You don’t have to thank me for that,” he said. “That’s what a dad should do.”
“But Mom doesn’t feel that way.”
Connor’s heart ached and he was suddenly grateful for the press of Jesse’s shoulder against his back, the heat of his body, and the squeeze of his hand.
“Your mother … it’s complicated,” Connor admitted. “She loves you. I know that for sure. And she wants you to be happy and healthy and loved. I don’t doubt that for a second either. She … she has ideas about what things will do that and what might hurt you. And she’s trying to avoid you being hurt. It doesn’t make it okay, but it’s the reason.”
“But why is she like this? She didn’t seem this way when I was little.”
“She’s always been a little bit this way,” Connor admitted. “It’s how she was raised. But she—she got more into the Orthodox Church when our relationship got worse. I think she wanted a feeling of connection and support and I think the church gave her that. I made mistakes, Nolan, I did. I wasn’t who she needed me to be. And when we got divorced, she turned to her religion more. It can be a comfort to people.”
“Is that why you went to church earlier?”
Connor sighed. “Partly. I needed to think about things.”
“About me coming out?”
“It was part of it. But also about my feelings for Jesse.”
“But you said you love him.”
“I do.” This time, Connor was the one to squeeze Jesse’s hand. “I really do. But it’s been hard for me, figuring out what it means to be Catholic and be—be bisexual. I needed to think about what I wanted. What my priorities were.”
“What did you decide?”
Connor definitely didn’t have the words to explain all of his thoughts to his son, so he tried to keep it simple. “I decided my priorities were supporting the people I love and love was more important than religion.”
“Does this mean you’re never gonna go to church again?”
“I don’t know,” Connor admitted. “I’ll probably go to weddings and baptisms. We’ve got a big family so those aren’t gonna stop any time soon. But on Sundays? Probably not.”
“Do I have to go?”
“Not if you don’t wanna.”
“They hate us. I don’t wanna go to a place where they hate us.”
Oh hell. Connor’s heart ached because it had never been quite so black and white for him but he could see how it might be for Nolan. Especially at that age, when everything was sharply one way or the other and there was no gray in the middle.
Connor lived in the gray now and a part of him was envious of how straightforward it was for Nolan.
“Some of the people in the church probably do hate us,” Connor admitted. “But not all of them. And the ones who do, that says more about them than us.”
“What about Mom? Will she hate me when I come out to her?”
“Your mother won’t hate you,” Connor reassured him. “Ever. At heart, she’s a good person. I’ll have a talk with her. But if she won’t come around, if her disapproval is ever hurting you, I’ll talk to my lawyer about the court agreement. I’ll do everything I can to get custody changed so you live with me full-time.”
Worry flickered across Nolan’s face. “Do you think you’ll have to go to court?”
“I hope not,” Connor said. “But no matter what, I’m in your corner, you know that right?”
“That’s what Jesse said when I talked to him about this.”
Connor smiled because damn he’d made the right decision letting Jesse handle this. Giving Nolan time to come to him when he was ready. Connor only wished Nolan hadn’t felt forced out by the argument with Viv at the stables.
“Jesse’s smart,” he agreed.
“Yeah, I am,” Jesse said.
Connor laughed, ready to chirp him for being so egotistical, but before he could say anything else, the doorbell buzzed and his phone did too.
Connor got to his feet and jogged up the stairs to answer the door. He fished out a tip from his wallet and thanked the delivery guy. Bags of food in hand, Connor carried them down to the basement.
Nolan cheered at the sight of the food and Connor smiled at his enthusiasm. “I thought we’d eat down here while we watch a game or something.”
“Wait, Connor,” Jesse said with a frown. “Nolan, are you done talking? Do you have any more questions?”
“I think I’m done,” he said slowly. “I’ll probably have more questions later but I’m hungry and my brain is …” He made a face and Connor knew exactly what he meant.
“We’re men of action, not words,” he said. “All this talking about our feelings thing is hard.”
Nolan nodded.
“But I’m thinkin’ maybe we need to do more of this,” Connor admitted, glancing between Nolan and Jesse. “How about we all work on that together?”
Nolan gave him a shy smile. “Yeah. Sounds good.”
Jesse nodded.
“Good. Now c’mon.”
Connor found the clicker and turned on the TV, bringing up a game while Jesse and Nolan dug through the bags for their meals.
They all went after it like they hadn’t been fed in weeks. Jesse made appreciative noises over his lobster roll and Connor happily put himself in a rich, carb-y coma.
He’d probably feel like crap at practice tomorrow morning, but for now, it was worth it.
Later, when Connor was stuffed and half-asleep, the sounds of the game a soothing noise in the background, he let out a contented sigh. Jesse had been idly rubbing his back and the pressure and soft drag of his blunt nails was nice.
“Hey. How’d you two start dating anyway?” Nolan blurted out.
Connor blinked, suddenly awake. “Uhh.”
Shit . He hadn’t really thought about what to tell Nolan. Then again, Nolan knew Jesse’s history with other people. He wasn’t going to be shocked by the idea they’d started out by hooking up.
“Well, we met at your Uncle Kelly’s wedding,” Connor said slowly. “And we, uh, hooked up after.”
Nolan wrinkled his nose. “Not very romantic.”
“No,” Connor agreed. “But I got lucky. Gavin told me Jesse needed to move in with us.”
“Because he was in trouble?”
“Pretty much,” Jesse said with a laugh.
“It didn’t seem like you liked Jesse very much at first, Dad,” Nolan continued. “When he first moved in.”
“I didn’t. But he grew on me,” Connor admitted. “I got to know him and I realized there was a lot more than what’s on the surface.”
“And you fell in love with him.”
“I did.”
“And you love Dad too?” Nolan asked.
“Yeah.” Jesse pressed his palm to Connor’s back. “I do.”
“So what now? Are you gonna get married?”
Jesse froze and Connor covered his surprise with a small, dry cough. “Uhh. I think maybe we’ll try dating first,” he said.
Nolan looked confused. “Aren’t you already dating?”
“Well …” Connor lifted up on one elbow and scratched his neck. “I’m not sure. Your Uncle Kelly said sometimes dating can be a little different when you’re both guys and on the same team.”
“Huh. So like, maybe Kyler and I were dating even before we made it official?”
“Exactly,” Connor said.
“Cool.”
Connor smiled. “Glad we cleared that up. And we’re gonna talk about safe sex soon.”
“Ugh, not cool,” Nolan said with a dramatic flop back against the cushions of the chair.
“Important though,” Connor reminded him.
“It’s not like we’re gonna get pregnant !”
“No,” Connor agreed and privately, he had to admit that might be one upside about his son being gay. At least Connor wasn’t gonna end up a grandfather any time soon. “But I still want you to be safe. And you care about Kyler, right?”
“Yeah.”
“So it’s important you keep yourself and him safe, okay?”
“We’re not having sex!”
“But you’re probably gonna wanna someday .”
Nolan made a weird noise but nodded. “Yeah.”
“So we’re gonna talk about it,” Connor said firmly. “And Jesse’s gonna talk to you about PrEP.”
Now Jesse was the one to make a weird noise. “I am?”
Connor realized how that probably sounded so he said. “The medication. Not the—other stuff.” Though they were gonna have to talk about that too. Lord, what had Connor gotten himself into?
“Oh.” Jesse shrugged. “I can do that.”
“Can we talk about anything else right now?” Nolan begged, looking mortified.
Connor laughed, picking up a throw pillow and tossing it at him. “I suppose. But remember, if you can’t talk about it, you shouldn’t be doing it.”
“I know! But I’m not doing it!”
Jesse snickered and, apparently, took pity on him. “So how was your Boston Cream Pie?”
“ Delicious ,” Nolan said. “I could eat a whole one.”
“I’m confused about why a cake is called a pie,” Jesse said with a laugh.
Connor shrugged. “No idea. We’re a little weird here.”
“But wicked smart,” Jesse said in a horrible mockery of Connor’s accent.
“Hey! I don’t sound like that,” he protested.
Jesse snorted. “You so do. You all do.”
“Take that back!” Connor said, flipping onto his back so he could dig his fingers into Jesse’s ribs.
Jesse squealed and shifted away. “Nooooo. Why are you like this?”
Laughing, Connor dragged him down and kissed him lightly on the lips, aware of his son watching them but wanting him to see it was okay for his dad to be happy and affectionate with someone other than his mom. With a guy .
It was a little strange but good too and Connor realized a weight had lifted off his shoulders. A pressure he hadn’t realized had been sitting on him was suddenly gone. He could breathe easier.
“Ugh, you know, for a minute I thought it would be cool to have a dad like me,” Nolan said. “But it’s mostly gross.”
“You’re welcome!” Connor said, turning his head to grin at him.
Nolan rose to his feet, smiling. “Fine. I’m gonna go to bed. You two can be gross by yourselves .”
Connor gently pushed Jesse off him, then sat up. “C’mere and gimme a hug first, please.”
Nolan sat beside Connor, and he pulled him into a tight hug, rocking him back and forth a little, the way he’d done when Nolan was small. “Love you, Nols,” he said hoarsely. “Proud of you. You did something very brave today.”
“You too,” Nolan said, his words muffled by Connor’s shoulder. Connor knew he meant he loved him too but he wasn’t sure if he also meant he was proud of him and that he’d done something brave.
“I guess we both did something brave,” he admitted. “You feelin’ okay about it all?”
Nolan sat back, his gaze searching Connor’s face before he nodded. “Yeah, I think so.”
“Good.” Connor leaned in and pressed a kiss to his hair. “I’m glad.”