CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
“Are you doing okay?” Jesse asked a little while later, when they were upstairs in Connor’s bedroom.
“I think so,” Connor said, suddenly looking very tired. “Today’s been a lot.”
“I know.” Jesse shot him a sympathetic smile.
“Are you okay?” Connor peeled back the bed covers.
Jesse shrugged. “I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.”
“I do though,” Connor said, frowning. “I appreciate you being there for me and for Nolan but I wanna be sure you’re doing fine too.”
“I …” Jesse shrugged again. “Yeah.”
“Hey, c’mon,” Connor urged. “I feel like you’re holding something back.”
Jesse shot him a weak smile, then slid into bed. “I feel like this was all my fault.”
“What was?” Connor asked, sliding into the other side of the bed. He flipped on his side, looking at Jesse with a worried frown.
“The whole … the whole scene with Viv and stuff. And Nolan coming out and you having your religious crisis or whatever that was.”
Connor snorted. “Religious crisis?”
“Well, I don’t know what to call it. Your ‘come to Jesus’ moment?”
Connor’s expression grew even more amused. “It was more of a ‘move away from Jesus’ moment if we’re getting technical. Though we Catholics, we’re not big on Jesus the way some other Christians are.”
“Okay, well, whatever you call it, that seems big ,” Jesse admitted.
“I suppose so.” Connor touched the cross on the chain around his neck. He reached up, unhooking the clasp, then let the charm slide into his palm. He stared down at it for a long moment, brow furrowed, before he set the chain on the bed. “I bought this cross and chain before my first NHL game. For luck. Figured I needed whatever help I could get. It represented everything I believed in at the time.”
“And now?”
Connor sighed. “I don’t know. It feels … like a weight I don’t want to carry anymore. Like it’s not protecting me. Like it’s not who I am anymore.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Connor’s voice sounded a little thick.
He got up and walked over to the dresser, pulling open the top drawer. He pulled out a little wooden box, tipping his palm sideways and letting it drop into it. It landed with a soft metallic clink.
Connor glanced up. “I think it’s time to let it go.”
“Is that really what you want?” He wasn’t quite sure what had happened in the church today, but it seemed pretty clear Connor had come to a big realization.
“It is,” Connor said thoughtfully. “It belongs here, with my wedding ring. Part of my past.” Connor closed the lid of the box and set it inside the dresser, closing the drawer firmly.
Jesse drew in a sharp breath. Damn, that was a big gesture.
Connor rejoined Jesse on the bed, picking up his chain and fastening it around his neck again.
“It feels weird like this,” he admitted, touching his sternum. “Too light.”
“You can always put the cross back on,” Jesse suggested.
“Nah. I’ll get used to it.”
Jesse took a deep breath because he suddenly had a weird little ache in the pit of his stomach.
“I’m glad you found … whatever answer you needed today. But I don’t love feeling like I was the cause of so many questions for you.” He looked down, staring at the white sheets. “I don’t love feeling like my chaos caused all of this drama in your life.”
“Hey. This wasn’t your fault.” Connor slid closer, tangling their legs together and taking Jesse’s hand.
Jesse stared down at their clasped hands, studying the sprinkle of auburn hair on the back of Connor’s knuckles. “Wasn’t it?”
“No.” Connor’s tone was firm.
“Because I can’t help but think if I hadn’t been such a fuckboy last summer, none of this would have happened. I wouldn’t have brought all this chaos into your life and Viv never would have questioned stuff and you wouldn’t have questioned stuff …”
“Well, it turns out I like you and your chaos,” Connor said, his voice and his expression teasing. “And if you hadn’t been such a fuckboy, we never would have ended up here .”
Jesse swallowed. “True.”
Connor cupped his cheek. “I love you, Jesse. And if I’ve learned anything in relationships, it’s that it means taking the bad with the good. Neither of us are perfect. Did today go how we would’ve planned? Of course not. But fuck , life never does. What’s that old phrase, ‘the devil smiles when we make plans,’ or something?”
Jesse managed a half-hearted smile. “I guess.”
“I didn’t plan for you,” Connor said huskily. “But I am glad for you.”
“You are?” Jesse asked thickly.
“Look, I’m not much of one for flowery words and all that, so if you’re expecting some grand speech about my feelings, I’ll probably let you down.”
Jesse tightened his grip on Connor’s hand because flowery words or not, Connor wouldn’t let him down. Not intentionally, anyway.
“But I mean it,” Connor said. “So what if what we have didn’t start out as love? I’m glad we hooked up at the wedding. I’m glad you got traded here and that Gavin ordered me to keep an eye on you. I’m glad we ended up here . Together.”
“I’m glad too,” Jesse whispered.
“Good. Because I wouldn’t want it any other way. You’re good for me,” Connor said and there was a sudden fierceness in his voice that made Jesse smile. “You’re good for me, for the kids, for the team.”
“Even though we haven’t been winning lately?”
“Even then. We’ll keep trying. And you’re not the problem. Our defense is. The roster is. Something’s gotta change but that’s not on you or me. That’s up to Gavin.”
“Speaking of the team,” Jesse said. “And Gavin. Are we going to tell people?”
“About us?”
Jesse nodded.
Connor was quiet for a moment before he nodded. “I think we probably should. Maybe not a big announcement, or anything though. If you’re okay with that.”
“Sure.” Jesse shrugged. “I don’t want us to do a presser or anything.”
Connor laughed because fuck no. That sounded horrible. “But maybe I’ll meet with Gavin, tell him. After, Hoyt should know. And maybe … maybe we’ll start acting like ourselves around the team and let them figure it out, if that works for you?”
“Yeah, sounds perfect. Do you think Crawford or Tucker will be a problem?”
“Nah,” Connor said. “Not in my locker room. And if they are, I’ll deal with it.”
“You sure you’re ready for all that?” Jesse asked.
“I’m sure the team needs to see me being myself. It would have been easier on Nolan if he’d known his dad was bi, right?”
“Yeah,” Jesse admitted because he’d be lying if he said otherwise.
“So, maybe the team needs that too. I don’t know. We’ll take it one day at a time, okay?”
“Okay.” Jesse frowned. “What about your family?”
“I’ll tell them soon. Because I can do that for Nolan. But I don’t think there’ll be any problems. My fuckin’ brothers will be annoying as shit about it but what else is new?”
Jesse smiled. “And you and Kelly talked about it already, right?”
“Yeah. I needed some advice.” Connor sighed. “Turns out I’m not great at feelings.”
“You? No!” Jesse teased.
“Hey, I’m workin’ on it.”
“I know you are.” Jesse let out a rueful laugh. “I like to think I’m good at them but I didn’t even know what I was feeling.”
“What did you think was happening?”
Jesse shrugged. “I don’t know. I … I kept getting this warm feeling in my chest whenever I was around you. And I—I was happy. I am happy. I feel at home here.”
“In Boston?”
“Yeah. In Boston, with this team. But mostly with you and the kids.”
Connor’s swallow was audible. “We’re a package deal, you know. You ready for that?”
“I’m ready for it,” Jesse said. “Or if I’m not, I’ll learn. But I want it, Connor. I want this life with you.”
“It’s not quite as exciting as frolicking in fountains.”
“Maybe not, but I think my fountain frolicking days are over,” Jesse admitted. “At least with other people. Because I just don’t care about any of it. I don’t want it. I had my fun and it was awesome but this is better .”
“Yeah?”
“Definitely. Besides, maybe sometime next summer when it’s warm out, we could take the girls to a fountain and dance in it. Nolan probably won’t want to do it but we’ll invite him too.”
“Yeah. He’s like me. We’re not really dancers,” Connor said, looking skeptical.
“You don’t have to be good at it,” Jesse said with a shrug. “But it would be nice if you were willing to dance me with sometimes. Even if it’s just in fountains and maybe a dance or two at all those weddings you were talking about earlier.”
“Might require a beer or two first, but I can do that.”
He leaned in and kissed Jesse, who let his eyes flutter closed and his lips part when Connor slid his tongue into his mouth. Jesse sighed and sank into it, smiling as the warm feeling in his chest grew until it felt so big he’d burst.
“I love you,” Jesse said when he drew away, breathless and surprised and happy. It felt like everything inside of his chest was too big for the space behind his ribs.
“I love you too,” Connor whispered.
He settled his head on the pillow and Jesse did the same, mimicking his position. Soon, they’d need to turn out the light and get some sleep. They had practice in the morning and a game tomorrow.
But for now, they just looked at each other.
“Hey,” Jesse said after a moment. “Does this mean I can stop pretending I’m using the bedroom downstairs?”
Connor laughed. “Yeah, I think we can stop pretending.”