Chapter Two
K ERRIE
“Mom, Tommy stole the peanut butter from me,” Nella hollered from down the hall.
I groaned. “You guys, I don’t have time for your fighting this morning. We’re already running behind schedule. Sophie, can you help them make their lunches?” I poked my head out of the bathroom, searching for my oldest child. “Soph?”
“She left already,” Nella said. “Mya picked her up. I forgot to tell you.”
Of course, Sophie left. Ever since she turned sixteen last year, it was like she had to test every rule in the house. And since Hal, my ex-husband, or pseudo ex-husband, or whatever he was now—roommate, live-in pain-in-the-ass—wasn’t here in the mornings now, she kind of did what she wanted. Not that the kids knew we were divorced. Hal didn’t want to be painted in a bad light as the one who ruined our family. The very man I’d been married to for twenty years, who’d told me he was bored with me and wanted something different, or rather, something younger with perkier boobs or whatever it was he was looking for in the women he snuck into the house.
Nope. He didn’t want to be the bad guy, so even his family didn’t know about our split. Just me. His ex “not ex.”
Of course, I didn’t like this arrangement, but when you spend your entire marriage as a stay-at-home mom, never working outside the house, it’s hard to find a job, even with a college degree. Although, being a stay-at-home mom was probably the hardest job on the planet, just not one that included a paycheck. So, I was in this “fake marriage” for financial purposes. At least, until I was able to put some money away to get a different place for me and the kids.
Tommy bounded down the hall, jarring me from my thoughts, peanut butter glopped on his hand with Nella in pursuit. I reached out to grab hold of his arm, but instead, he wrapped himself around my leg, leaving a messy brown handprint on my work pants.
Ugh. I didn’t have time for this. I couldn’t be late for work, not while I was still in the probationary period. My ninetieth day was next Thursday.
“Shit! Enough,” I shouted. “We don’t play in the peanut butter, Tommy. Get in the bathroom and wash your hands. Now.”
He peered up at me. “Shit. Shit. Shit.”
“Don’t say that word.”
“You did.”
“That’s because I’m the mom. Just please be good.”
“You used to be nicer in the morning. Now you’re mean,” he said, tears welling in his eyes.
I sighed. “Well, I used to not have to work, buddy. Now I do. I’m sorry I yelled, but you know better. Get cleaned up while I go change into something else. And don’t touch the peanut butter again. I’ll make your lunch when I’m done.”
Running down the hall, I barged into my room. What did I even have clean? I scoured my closet until I found a black skirt hanging up. I wasn’t even sure if it’d still fit me. I couldn’t remember the last time I wore it. Had I ever worn it? I glanced at the designer tag and frowned. Was it even mine or one of Hal’s new girlfriends’? Right now, I couldn’t exactly be picky. I had to have something clean to put on that didn’t smell like I’d rolled around on the lunchroom floor.
Groaning, I whipped off my pants, tossed them in the hamper in the corner of the room, which at the moment was overflowing with clothes, then unzipped the skirt and tugged it. Only it didn’t go all the way up.
“Come on, please. Can one thing just go right?” I jerked on the waistband again, jumping up and down until it skimmed up over my hips. Okay. I could make this work. As long as I didn’t breathe or have to bend over, I’d be fine. Except for the fact the zipper wouldn’t close.
Damn it.
Wait, maybe I had some Spanx or something. I shimmied over to my dresser drawer, pushing my underwear and bras aside. Nope. No Spanx. They were probably in the dirty laundry, too.
With a sigh, I fell backward onto the bed, hoping laying down would do the trick. I sucked in my gut. The zipper moved. Yes! This was good. Just a little more. I sucked in more. Finally, it was all the way up. Once it was secured, I attempted to sit up, trying to ignore the roll of fat which now overhung the waistband. It was so noticeable in this shirt. And I felt like, at any moment now, I might actually be cut in half by the tight fabric.
“Beauty is pain,” I whispered. Or rather, a two sizes too small skirt was. Reaching for a suit jacket to try and hide my mid-section, I threw it on, then raced back to the kitchen to finish getting the kids ready.
After I had everyone’s lunches made, school clothes on, and backpacks prepared, I ushered the kids into the minivan, which at the moment had Fruit Loops crunched into the backseat carpet as well as a chocolate milk stain on the seat from Tommy. Things I used to be able to clean up right away, but now didn’t have time to do. If the carpool moms saw my vehicle now, they’d probably call CPS on me or something.
“Moooooooom, I was supposed to bring something for show and tell today,” Nella said. “I won’t get another chance again until next month.” Her voice quivered, a clear sign she was about to burst out crying.
“Here, take this.” I handed my purse back to her, trying not to drive into oncoming traffic. “See if you can find mini-Nella.” A doll I’d bought for her birthday, which had a freaky resemblance to her, but sounded demonic when you pushed a button on its back.
“I’m not finding her...”
“Well, see if there’s something else in there.”
A buzzing, vibrating sound came from the backseat. “Whoa, what’s this?” Nella held up something pink in my peripheral vision.
Oh, hell. How did she find that? I purposely kept it with me so the kids wouldn’t see it. “I...it’s a flashlight.”
“I don’t see a light.”
“That’s not a flashlight, it’s a lightsaber,” Tommy said. “Let me see it.” He proceeded to make the sounds of a lightsaber slicing the air with my pink vibrator.
“Give it back! I get to take the flashlight with me. Mom said I could find a show and tell thing in her purse.”
Thwack!
“Ow, Mom, Nella hit me with the lightsaber.” Tommy’s voice quivered. “That hurt my face.
Dear Lord, please save me . “Nella, just give that here.” I turned in my seat and ripped it from her hand.
“Hey, I was going to bring that!”
“Not a good idea. Why don’t you keep looking,” I said, face on fire.
I heard her unzip the front pocket. “Oh, hey, mini-Nella’s right here.” She laughed, tossing my purse back into the front seat. “Thanks, Mama.”
Hal never had to deal with any of this. Not peanut butter hands, or mouthy sixteen-year-olds, or kids finding vibrators in secret purse pockets. He got to just “play” Dad. He pretty much came and went as he wanted. All he had to do was tell the kids he was working out of town, then take off and leave everything to me.
When we pulled up to a stop light, I leaned over and threw the adult toy into my glove box. Hopefully it’ll be safe there. I needed a drink, and it was only seven-forty-five. After long minutes in traffic, I finally dropped the kids off at school, then headed into work.
By some miracle, I made it in time, even beating most of my coworkers there. I hung out, waiting for Piper, my new best friend. Although, she was quite a bit younger than me being only twenty-six, we shared one common bond. We were both the product of recent breakups.
She was someone I could talk to on my lunch hour and bitch about Hal. Even though she didn’t know the part where he had other women in our house. It wasn’t something I could just bring up to people. It was bad enough hiding our divorce, but to have everyone think me weak for not just moving out was hard.
Piper didn’t judge me about still sharing our residence. Of course, she didn’t know all the grizzly details. Maybe someday, I’d tell her.
Just then, Piper rushed in, carrying her messenger bag, red hair flying behind her like a cape, seeming more flustered than normal. Perhaps I wasn’t the only one having a bad morning.
But before we could actually talk, Mr. Dancy appeared like a wizard in a fantasy movie, ushering us all into the meeting room for what I was sure would be a long one. I wasn’t even certain why I had to go today. He didn’t have any sales numbers or anything having to do with my department on the list, other than I was assigned to the Valentine’s Day team.
It took all of two seconds for Mr. Dancy to flip out after getting everyone gathered. First, Carlos with his ‘Love is Hell’ line of cards, then Piper with her greeting cards for exes.
My hands twisted nervously in my lap, hoping he didn’t call on me for something, too. Like instead of sales, he’d assign me my own line of cards. Maybe the ‘I don’t know how to breakup’ ones?
“Oh. My. God. I have to get my shit together,” Piper said, sliding into my office after the meeting. “I’m one more bad idea away from Mr. Dancy firing me.” She plopped into the chair across from me and leaned her head on top of my desk.
“Everything will be fine. You’ll see,” I said.
“I don’t know anymore. I mean, look at my luck. Who the hell has their ex move in next door to them with their new fiancé?” She sighed.
“Hey, at least you don’t still live with your ex. Hal has all the benefits of having me as a live-in wife, other than the whole sex thing.”
“Yeah, but you said it’s amicable and not too bad. This is being forced on me.”
I chewed my bottom lip. They all thought I had it great. That Hal and I were actually still friends. They didn’t know how much the divorce hurt or how hard it was lying to my kids. Would it be bad for one person to know the truth?
Yes, it would. At least, right now. Perhaps I’d feel better about telling someone once I was able to save up some more money, so I could at least say I planned on moving out and stopping the charade.
“Okay, let’s not talk about exes until lunch. Why ruin our mornings further? Besides, at least you didn’t have your kid try to bring your vibrator for show and tell, and the other pretend he was in the middle of a lightsaber battle.”
Piper grinned, then burst out laughing. “You’re kidding?”
“No. I wish I was.”
“What did you do?”
“Told them it was a flashlight.” My nose wrinkled. “And it is now hidden away in my car’s glove box.”
“That is classic.” She picked a pen up off my desk and clicked the top of it, then proceeded to draw hearts on a sticky note.
“I swear this stuff only happens to me.” My fingers wrapped around my coffee mug, and I picked it up, taking a swig of lukewarm coffee.
“Hey, on the bright side, you didn’t have your ex see you in cartoon cat pajamas crawling across your deck.” She winced. “Sorry, forgot we weren’t talking about exes. It’s just, I’m still freaking over this.”
“Maybe he was just there visiting or something,” I offered.
“No, I don’t think so. Ugh, I swear.”
Mr. Dancy walked past my door.
“We should probably get to work,” I whispered.
Piper’s eyes widened, and she hopped to her feet. “Yeah, I’m in enough trouble. I’ll see you at lunch.”
She scurried from the room and raced across the hall to her office.
With a sigh, I pulled up last year’s sales reports to start figuring out what Valentine’s Cards worked for the company, and which ones fizzled. Four hours and three cups of coffee later, I had the numbers on a spreadsheet.
My stomach growled, but food would have to wait until after I used the ladies’ room. Heading down the hallway, I went into the bathroom. I unzipped my skirt, letting my bottom extremities get blood to them. Damn, it was good to feel my midsection again. When I finished, I flushed the toilet, then proceeded to tug the fabric up around my thighs and hips.
My fingers closed around the metal clasp of the zipper, and I tugged. Only it wouldn’t go up. Crap. I knew I shouldn’t have undone it, but I’d had to go so bad, and the waistband had dug so far into my midsection, I couldn’t breathe any longer.
I eyed the floor. No way in hell could I lay down on the tile. Who knew what gross things might be on it or how often the janitors cleaned it.
Desperate, I moved to the door and peered down the hallway, spotting Piper heading for the cafeteria.
“Piper,” I hollered.
She turned to face me. “Hey, are you going to lunch?”
“I...yeah, but I have a slight problem. Can you come here a second?” My face burned, but it was either ask her for help, or not zip my skirt.
“Hey, what’s up?” She came inside the bathroom with me.
“I can’t get this up.” I pointed at the back of me, where my white granny panties were showing. Not my most defining moment.
“Here, move away from the door. I’ll try to pull it up while you hold the fabric together.”
She tugged at it, jumping up and down in the process, much like I had this morning when trying to do this myself.
“Wait, I think it moved,” I said.
“Alright, I’m going to squish you against the sink a second with my hips to see if that helps. I need more leverage.”
“I think I’m almost there.”
“Can you do it a little more?”
“What in God’s name are you two doing?” Maude’s raspy voice called from behind us. “Dear Jesus in Heaven. Are you two lesbians now? I never saw it coming the way you carried on about your exes.”
Heat flared over my body. “No, this isn’t what it looks like. I-I’m having issues with my skirt.”
“Trust me, I’m all about the men,” Piper said. “I mean, I’m not like all about them in a slutty way...I—”
Maude snorted. “I don’t really care about your love lives. I just need to use the bathroom. So, whatever it is that’s going on between you, if you could take it outside.”
The stall door slammed shut, and Maude hummed while she used the bathroom.
In the meantime, Piper gave my zipper one last yank, and it finally went back into place.
“There, it’s all set now,” Piper said.
“Good. I think I worked up an appetite.”
“Me, too. Let’s wash our hands and get some food. So, next time, we’re going to do this in your car, right?” She winked.
From inside the stall, Maude gasped.
My lips twitched. “Yeah, definitely in my car. I’ve actually never done it in a vehicle before.”
If Maude wanted to eavesdrop on everything we said, then let her try and figure out what she’d really walked in on. I swear, that old broad was always so nosey. Now, we better pray she didn’t try to talk to Mr. Dancy about what she ‘might’ have seen, or Piper and I might be looking for new jobs.