Chapter 7
CHAPTER SEVEN
LUCY
I can’t believe I lost it in front of Xavier’s team.
After my claims of being able to handle their questions, clearly, I couldn’t.
Xavier gave me an out. So did Dante. But I was so sure I could make it through without breaking down. Yes, I cried when they rescued me, and again in the hospital, but it’s been almost a week since then. Now I’m safe at Blade and Arrow, not starving, not exhausted, and I have six extremely skilled people protecting me.
Plus, I’m thirty-five years old. A full-grown woman with a career and an advanced degree who’s been living on her own for years. I do small repairs around my house, like changing electrical sockets and fixing leaky drains using videos on YouTube. I shouldn’t be bursting into tears at the conference table during an official team meeting and have to be escorted back to Xavier’s apartment so Jade can come babysit me.
I so badly wanted to prove I was strong. I wanted to do my part to stop this sick online game. And I wanted to see the lines of worry smooth from Xavier’s forehead, the ones that have been permanently etched there ever since he found me in the cabin.
For a little while, at least, I wanted him to see me as normal Lucy. Not the one who’s turned into a complete mess.
Not that he’s complained about dropping everything to be with me twenty-four-seven. And he constantly reassures me that it’s no big deal when I wake up screaming from a nightmare or have a mini panic attack when he takes a shower. He says he likes leaving all the lights on at night, claiming, “This way I won’t bump into anything, Luce. So it’s better for both of us.”
As if my Special Forces boyfriend would run into a chair walking around his apartment at night? Not likely. But I appreciate him trying to make me feel better about it.
If the positions were reversed, I know I’d do the same. But it doesn’t stop me from feeling guilty.
And worrying.
What if this is too much for our relationship? Five months isn’t that long in the scheme of things, and just because I’m falling in love with him doesn’t mean he feels the same. And being forced into living together like this… it’s not how I thought it would happen.
I thought we’d have a talk a few months from now, or maybe he’d do something sweet like give me his key as a gift. Not that I’d have to move in out of necessity.
Despite all the crappy stuff, I like living with Xavier. I like sleeping next to him every night and sharing breakfast each morning. I like seeing my clothes alongside his in the bedroom closet and my shampoo next to his in the shower. Being here feels natural. Right.
But he’s never had a serious relationship before, so living together is a big deal. When we had the relationship talk, he told me sheepishly, “I know it sounds bad. I’m thirty-eight and I’ve never dated anyone seriously. Not more than a handful of dates. My parents… they had a bad relationship. So I think that made me avoid commitment. But once I met you, Lucy… it’s different. You’re different.”
My heart still gets all warm and oozy whenever I think about it.
But I’m scared, too. What if being here ruins things between us? What if my fears and anxieties put too much pressure on our relationship? What if he decides he wants someone who can keep it together better?
“Luce.” Xavier looks up from his phone and turns to me. “Niall said Jade is on her way. She was in the shower when he texted, but she’s coming over now. Are you—” He stops as the lines in his forehead deepen. His voice gentles. “Are you okay with this? Me leaving to finish the meeting? If you’re not?—”
“I’m fine.” Although I’d probably be more convincing if I stopped tapping my foot and twisting the couch throw into a pretzel. So I set the throw aside and force my foot to still before saying, “It’s okay. I got upset, but I’m better now. Jade doesn’t have to come.”
He stares at me for a second, his gaze dark and assessing. “I’d feel better if she does. It won’t be bad. You know Jade. She’s great. And if you feel like talking about things… she would understand.”
“I guess.” Now I sound like a petulant child. Taking a deep breath, I let it out slowly. “Sorry. It’ll be fine. I guess… I’m just kind of embarrassed.”
“Of what?”
“Crying at your meeting. Making a scene.”
“Oh, Luce.” Lifting me onto his lap, he presses a soft kiss to my lips. “There is nothing to be embarrassed about. Everyone understands. And you didn’t make a scene.”
It feels so good sitting here, enveloped in his warmth, for a second I consider begging Xavier to stay.
But I’m trying to prove I’m strong. And it’s Xavier’s job. It’s not fair to keep dragging him away from his team. If things are going to work between us, I have to give him some space.
Working my mouth into something approximating a smile, I say brightly, “You’re right. Having Jade over will be nice. And when you get back, maybe we can go to the gym. I know you’ve been wanting to get there to work out.”
There’s a knock at the door, and even though I know it’s Jade, my body still tenses.
“Maybe,” Xavier replies, as he heads across the living room to answer the door. “You should still be taking things easy. Though some light hand weights might be okay, or you could walk on the treadmill…”
He’s still talking as he works the three complicated locks on his door, which I thought were overkill when I first saw them months ago but now am thankful for. “If you’d rather, we could go for a short walk around the property. Maybe bring some lunch with us.” He casts a bright smile at me over his shoulder. “We could make it a picnic. The couples in your books are always having them, aren’t they?”
“Sometimes.” This time, my smile is real. “In the small-town romances, especially, they do.”
“How about middle-of-nowhere romances?” he asks as he opens the door. “Since we’re ten miles from the closest town. Can we have picnics, too?”
It’s almost magical, how Xavier manages to cheer me up so easily. My voice takes on an almost teasing tone as I reply, “I think middle-of-nowhere romances can have picnics, too.”
“What am I walking into?” Jade stands in the doorway, glancing between me and Xavier. She smiles. “Middle-of-nowhere romances? Is that a new thing?”
Xavier gives her a quick hug. “Apparently. Thanks for stopping over.”
“Of course.” She steps inside, her gaze sweeping the room. “And it looks great in here. Much better than before.”
“Yes, I know,” he grumbles. “It was depressing. But now it’s not.”
“No, it’s not.” Jade beams at him. “Now we can have girls’ nights here, too. With your huge TV, it’ll be perfect for watching movies.”
Xavier makes a little face. “You mean those terrible movies Sarah likes? The ones that make her cry? I’m not sure about that…”
“Rom-coms,” Jade says, like it’s the most obvious thing. “Or comedies. Lighthearted stuff.” Then she comes over to the couch and plops down beside me. “Now, go, Xav. We’re fine here.”
Still standing by the door, he looks at me, visibly conflicted. “I’ll be right down the hall. And if you need me, I can be back right away. Just call?—”
I can do this. I can be away from Xavier for more than five minutes.
“It’s okay,” I tell him with a small smile. “I’ll just be here with Jade. And when you get back, we’ll go have our picnic.”
After a long pause, he lets out a heavy sigh. “Alright.” He jogs across the room and kisses me. “I’ll be back in half an hour. Maybe a little longer.”
“Go.” Jade waves her hand in a get out of here gesture. “We’ll be fine.”
Once the door closes behind him, Jade turns to me, her cheerful expression turning empathetic. “I know it’s hard. Especially in the beginning. But it will get easier, I promise.”
“I know.” But it doesn’t feel that way.
“It doesn’t feel like it, does it?” She takes the fluffy throw in her hands, absently stroking it. “I felt the same way. I hated it, wanted to feel independent, but—” Her lips press shut. “Anyway. We don’t need to talk about that unless you want to. We can watch TV, or a movie; I think there’s a new one on Netflix that looks pretty funny.”
“Um.” I’m at a loss, like somehow all my social graces disappeared when I was taken from my garage. “If you want to put something on.”
Jade turns, crossing her legs into a pretzel as she faces me. “If you’d rather not talk, that’s okay, too. I understand.”
Crap. Jade interrupted her morning to be here, and now I’m acting like an ungrateful jerk. And I like Jade. Normally, I’d want to spend time with her. I went to her wedding earlier this month, for Pete’s sake.
“Sorry,” I tell her. “I don’t mind talking. It’s just… ever since… I feel… unbalanced. Not like myself.”
“I think that’s normal. At least, I felt that way after I was abducted.” She pauses. “Is it okay if I say that? I don’t want to trigger you.”
“No, it’s okay. I’ve talked about it before. So it’s getting a little easier. Except—” My cheeks heat at the memory. “I cried at the meeting. Which I’m sure you know, since you’re here. I’m sure Xavier thinks I’m on the verge of falling apart.”
“No, I don’t think so.” Jade pauses, playing with her strawberry blonde hair as she collects her thoughts. “He’s worried, yes. But does he think you’re falling apart? No.”
I snort. “Then he’s the only one. With my nightmares, and having to keep all the lights on, and panic attacks… I feel like a mess.”
Her gaze meets mine. “When I first came here, Niall slept on the bedroom floor every night. I couldn’t sleep any other way. And I had horrible nightmares. Eventually, they got better. But it took time.”
Without intending to, I confess, “I’m worried it’s going to put too much strain on our relationship. I mean… it’s already bad enough, being scared all the time and trying not to remember… but if I ruin things with Xavier because of this—” My throat gets thick. “I don’t want to lose him.”
“Oh, Lucy.” Sympathy softens her features. “I understand. But trust me, you are not going to lose Xavier. Not over this. No way.”
I want to believe her, but there’s a niggling worry I can’t get rid of, like a splinter worked in deep. “We haven’t been together that long. And he never did relationships before. I was okay with taking things slow, but now…”
Jade reaches over and squeezes my hand. “I know Xavier pretty well now. And he and Niall… they’ve been friends for over ten years. Like brothers, really. So when Niall tells me he’s never seen Xav this happy before, I believe him.”
“Well, he has a new job, and he’s with his friends?—”
“That’s not it.” She gives me a kind smile. “I knew Xav before he met you. And he was great—funny and kind, like he always is—but he changed after he met you. He’s softer. And when he talks about you… he lights up. Not just that, but he manages to work your name into almost every conversation.”
“He does?”
“Oh, yes.” Grinning, she imitates Xavier. “Oh, you want to go to Seguin? We should stop by Lucy’s bookstore to say hi. You’re watching a movie? Did you know Lucy’s favorite movie is The Holiday ? Someone’s talking about college? Oh, Lucy has her MFA in creative writing. She graduated from the Michener Center at UT.”
A fizzy warmth fills my chest, and my lips tug into a genuine smile. “Oh. That’s…”
“It’s sweet,” Jade finishes. “And he’s not going anywhere. Not the way he looks at you.”
“How does he look at me?”
“Like you’re the most important person in the world to him.”
Oh.
All the dark thoughts are pushed away by a blossoming joy. “He’s the most amazing man I’ve ever met. And I don’t want to go anywhere, either.”