14. Chris
14
I didn’t like the way Seb left that morning.
He’d been quieter and more reserved, or maybe I’d been. I thought about it while I straightened up my apartment, and I’m pretty sure I was the one who had been quieter. Maybe that was why our goodbye kiss goodbye had felt cold.
I needed to figure it out. If I let this fester under my skin, then I would be risking something I didn’t want to lose. I hadn’t been with Seb long, but I knew that I didn’t want to lose him. I could see the potential in our growing relationship. I could see the way that things could develop between us, and I didn’t want to lose that chance. Which meant it was time for one of my least favorite things: introspection.
What had bothered me so much when he turned down my offer for help?
It had to be more than the fact that he didn’t want my help, right? It couldn’t just be that simple. I knew that I had a habit of wanting to fix things, to make them better in what little ways I could. I’d done that for each one of my friends and family over the years. I always wanted to fix things, to make the lives of those I cared about better. Of course I’d want to do the same thing for the man I was dating. It just made sense. I was a fixer.
I wish I knew why he’d turned down my offer to help. Was it just pride? Was there something more going on beneath the surface, something that kept him from taking the offer? I thought about everything I knew about him. His mother had worked hard to give him a good life, all on her own. Maybe he felt like he had to do that. That it wouldn’t count as true success if he had help, even though everyone got help in their journeys. I remembered him complaining about some of the people at his current job who’d gotten accounts before him despite working there less time. Maybe he was afraid of being like them, but he wouldn’t be.
I couldn’t figure out which of these was more likely, but I also couldn’t figure out why he’d let those things keep him from something he wanted. If he was miserable at his job, shouldn’t he want help to get out of it?
I thought about it too long. I probably spent more time thinking about why he was bothered than why I was. So much for introspection.
I came to one obvious conclusion: help him anyway .
If the roles were reversed, I’d want someone to help me. It wasn’t like I was submitting his resume or applying to the job for him. I would just be emailing Jasper, finding out if there were any openings and what steps Seb might need to take to fill one of them. Maybe there were things he could include that would put his resume at the top of the stack. It would still be Seb doing the work and making the decisions. I couldn’t do any of that for him. I didn’t have his resume, and I didn’t know the first thing about what it took to get hired at a marketing firm. I was pretty sure he did.
I didn’t stop to think of the ways this could go wrong when I hit send.
“You did what ?” Seb demanded.
It was three days later, and I’d finally heard back from Jasper. He’d sent me a few open positions that he thought Seb might fit based on what I’d told him. It hadn’t been a lot, but it had apparently been enough for Jasper to think of at least three positions that might work for him—including one the company hadn’t even posted yet. He’d also sent over a list of what kinds of things he knew their hiring department looked for in resumes. It was essentially a how to guide on how to get hired at Enterprise. He told me to put Seb in contact with him, so that he could pass over the resume personally.
I thought he’d be just as excited as I was when I told him.
Instead, he was angry. His brow was furrowed, and he was glaring at me like I’d done something wrong. Maybe he misunderstood what I did, thought that I’d done something beyond just asking a few questions. “I emailed my friend, Jasper, over at Enterprise. I told him a little about you and your work at Magnolia, and he sent over a few positions that you might fit.”
“Why the fuck would you do that?”
“Because you said you’re miserable at your job,” I reminded him. “Because that’s what you do when you care about someone.”
“I didn’t ask you to do that,” he snapped. “I told you I’d do research. I’d look into everything. I’d make my decision based on what I found.”
I could feel my hackles raising. I didn’t like the way he was snapping at me. I’d never liked fighting with the people in my life, and I hated it more when it was my partner. “And you can still do that,” I pointed out. “It’s not like I—”
“Stop,” he demanded. “Just stop. I didn’t want you to go behind my back and email your friend. If I wanted your help, I would have asked you for it.”
I sighed. “Why are you so pissed about this?”
That was the crux of the matter, wasn’t it? He was pissed off that I’d helped him, and I didn’t understand why he was so mad. I didn’t understand what the big deal was. We were together. We were a couple. If I had my way, we were building a future together. That meant depending on each other, helping one another. It meant doing things to make his life better.
Why was he so pissed off about the fact that I wanted to help him?
“Because I need to do this myself,” he answered stubbornly.
It was infuriating. There wasn’t shame in getting help. There was nothing wrong with letting the people in your life support you. I didn’t think I’d have made it as far in my life as I had if I didn’t have a little help here and there. Hell, I wouldn’t even have the relationship I had with him now if I hadn’t asked him to help me in the coffee shop. I never would’ve gotten back in contact with him, because it had been too long since we’d hooked up. So many things in my life would be different if I didn’t ask for help.
Why couldn’t he see that it wasn’t a bad thing?
“Why?” I asked. I wanted to understand. Maybe if I understood his decision, it’d be easier to stand by it in the future.
“I don’t want to be like all of the people at my job who get a leg up because of who they know, not they’ve done to earn it.” It was a solid reason, but it wasn’t a good reason .
“You don’t know Jasper,” I pointed out. That was a big hole in his logic. “I’d get it if you and Jasper were close personal friends.”
Hell, I’d get it if me and Jasper were close personal friends. I’d known him for a few years, and I would consider him a friend, but we weren’t really close. I talked to him about once a month or so, and I couldn’t tell you much about his personal life outside of his career and the fact that he sometimes traveled for work. Most of our conversation were about the places he’d visited.
Seb’s features relaxed for a moment, and I thought that maybe I had gotten through to him. Maybe he understood my point and saw that I hadn’t really messed up.
Then his eyes darkened again. “You still went behind my back. I didn’t ask for help.”
“I’m sorry. I just wanted to help,” I told him softly.
His shoulders relaxed. Maybe that had been the right call. I might not understand why he was mad, but I was sorry that I was the reason for his anger. “I know that.”
“But if this is going to work out between us long term, then we have to be able to help each other.” It seemed like a simple fact. I wanted this to work out between us long term, and if he felt the same way, then we needed to learn to lean on one another. I wanted him to depend on me, to trust me. “You have to be able to accept my help sometimes. ”
He nodded. “I’m not used to doing that,” he admitted. “Maybe sometimes from the guys, but I’m usually the one helping, not the one who needs help.”
I understood that more than I’d like. I was the one who helped my friends, but they helped me in return. I didn’t have any problem asking them for help, because I knew that they’d show up for me.
“If it makes you feel better, you’ll probably help me at some point in our relationship,” I teased. “Sometimes even when I don’t think I want or need help.”
He smiled and nodded slowly. A beat passed between us, and then he took my hand. “I’m sorry for overreacting.” His voice was quiet, but I heard the words clearly. More importantly, I could hear the sincerity in them.
I squeezed his hand and gave him a quick kiss. “And I’m sorry for going behind your back.”
Because even if I didn’t really think what I’d done was a big deal, I knew that it was to him. That was the most important thing. I didn’t want to be the source of his pain. I didn’t want him to worry that every time he didn’t specifically ask me to do something for him, I’d do it anyway.
We’d have to work on that communication thing, but what relationship didn’t have a learning curve?
We spent the rest of the day together, but we didn’t talk about what Jasper told me. I decided I would wait for him to bring it up. I would wait until he made the decision that he wanted to know what Jasper said, as hard as it was. Because damn, it was hard having information I knew could make his life easier and not printing it off, folding it into a small square, and stuffing it in the pocket of his jeans.
I didn’t think that he’d appreciate that.
My patience paid off several hours later. We were sitting on my couch, watching another episode of the show we’d been binging. A box of pizza sat open and mostly eaten on the coffee table between two bottles of beer. He was snuggled up against my side, and I felt so comfortable and relaxed. There was something about cold beer, good pizza, and the company of someone I cared about that nothing else could compare to.
“What did he say?” I looked down at Seb for a moment, trying to figure out what he was talking about. I must have paused too long, because he clarified. “Your friend. From Enterprise. What did he say?”
“I can let you read the email,” I offered. I would probably get details wrong if I tried to give him a summary of everything. I didn’t think that would help him. I didn’t think it would help us. I wanted to be someone that he could trust, someone he felt was there for him. Giving him the wrong information would fuck that whole plan up.
The moment he agreed, I pulled the email up on my phone and passed it to him. He read over it, humming at a few points, before forwarding it to himself. I would take that as a good sign. At least he wasn’t mad at me about it anymore.
He was allowing me to help him.
He was taking the help that was offered.
And later, when I needed the help, I’d make sure that I did exactly what I wanted him to do: take his help. Ask him for his help.
Even if it did feel like it went against my natural instincts.