9. Juniper
I felt bad as I walked away from Boone. He really was the nicest guy, and I didn’t know what to do with that. I just knew that I wanted to keep Boone as far away from Kevin as possible. The last thing I wanted was for him to get entrenched in my messy marriage. The less he knew the better.
It was healthier for everyone to keep Boone on the outskirts of my life rather than draw him in. I’d already entangled him in my mess. The least I could do was keep him from being drawn further into the natural disaster that was my marriage.
I leaned against the door after I’d shut it. The image of Boone standing by his car holding a grocery bag in one hand with his dark gaze focused on me felt forever burned into my retinas. I felt guilty for leaving him in the dark. The truth was, I wanted to tell him. I liked him knowing things about me. Talking to him felt as easy as breathing.
But I wanted to keep him safe, and with Kevin still in Harmony, Boone was anything but safe. Distance was good. Distance was necessary.
My phone chimed, causing my watch to vibrate. I glanced down to see that Kevin had texted me. It was an address and time. Seven o’clock. It was currently six. I still needed to shower and get dressed.
I pushed off the door and headed through the kitchen to my room. I slipped out of my Godwin’s Grocery shirt and khakis. I took a fast shower and towel dried. I used my hand to wipe the steam from the mirror and stared at my reflection.
Kevin’s handiwork had disappeared. I reached up and gingerly touched my cheekbone. The bruise was gone, so was the pain that followed any pressure to the site. But the pain of what he did to me remained. My body no longer held the physical manifestation of his abuse, but my soul would forever be scarred. And I was never going to heal from the pain he inflicted on me.
I shook my head as I opened the top drawer to my vanity and pulled out my foundation. I wasn’t taking Kevin back. I’d already made up my mind. We were finished. I was going to pay a visit to the lawyer to get the paperwork started. I was no longer his wife, and he was no longer my husband.
I just needed to suss out how he felt about the baby without actually saying he was going to be a dad. If he repeated what he’d said from the beginning of our marriage—that a baby was not in his future—then I would walk away without telling him. I needed to do what was right for the baby, and being some trophy for Kevin to parade around would kill that child.
I wasn’t willing to hurt someone so innocent.
Tears pricked my eyes as I pressed my hand into my stomach. I wished I could change the situation this baby was going to be born into. I would give anything to give them the family and future they deserved. I felt so selfish to for trying to allow myself to be happy. How could I be happy bringing a child into this mess?
I closed my eyes and stifled a sob that was trying to escape my lips. I shook my head, feeling so frustrated with myself for being so weak. This baby needed a strong mom. Not someone so weak she couldn’t get herself together enough to do her makeup and go to dinner.
I blew out my breath. Once all the air had left my lungs, I opened my eyes and stared at my reflection in the mirror. I was going to be strong. I needed to be strong.
I had no more room for weakness. This baby was counting on me.
I finished my makeup, pulled off my microfiber head wrap, and combed my fingers through my damp hair. I would diffuse it once I was dressed and my curls had some time to dry on their own.
I settled on a calf-length floral dress. It had puffy sleeves and made me feel feminine yet strong. I walked back into the bathroom and turned on my hair dryer. After my hair fell in soft curls around my face, I inspected my reflection one last time before switching off my bathroom light and gathering my white sandals and purse.
I pulled open my bedroom door and glanced down the hallway, wondering where Boone was. The sound of someone cooking carried from the kitchen, so I turned that direction. After all, I was going to have to go through the kitchen to get out to my car. I might as well get my interaction with Boone over with.
I paused when I got to the doorway that led into the kitchen. Boone was standing at the sink, washing a pan. His back was to me, so I took a moment to study him. He was wearing a white t-shirt and grey sweatpants. I’d never really studied this man from the back, which meant, I’d never really noticed his rear. I wasn’t normally a butt girl, but this guy had me changing my mind.
The way his muscles strained against his sleeves as he raised the pan to rinse it under the running water flooded my mind with thoughts of running into him this morning, shirtless and still wet from the shower. This man was sexy with and without clothes. My mouth turned dry, and I tried to swallow, but it was in vain. I felt like a fish on land.
What was I doing, standing here admiring this man? It wasn’t like I was a free woman. I wasn’t that kind of girl. I had so much going on already, and I needed to keep my head on straight or I was going to drown. The last thing I wanted to do was take this innocent, unsuspecting man down with me. I straightened my shoulders and pushed thoughts of shirtless Boone to the darkest corners of my mind.
“I’m gonna head out,” I said, a bit too loud. When the sound made it back to my ears, I winced.
Boone didn’t stop what he was doing. Instead, he just glanced over his shoulder in my direction. My heart picked up speed when I saw his mouth part slightly and his gaze glide up and down my body. My cheeks flushed as he brought his gaze up to meet mine. I wanted to believe that there was a hint of desire behind his dark blue eyes, but I didn’t dwell on that thought.
It was ridiculous to think that a man would want me and my mess. Especially when I was carrying the child of another man.
No. To Boone, I was just a paycheck. He was transient. He’d made it clear to me that he had no intention of making Harmony his home. And there was no way I was leaving. Entertaining thoughts of a relationship with Boone was ridiculous, and I couldn’t afford to be ridiculous.
“You look beautiful.” Boone’s voice came out low as he reached over to turn off the water and then faced me fully.
My heart fluttered at his compliment. I glanced down at my dress, my hands swishing against my skirt making the fabric dance around my legs. “Thanks,” I whispered. Kevin rarely complimented me, and if he did, it was when he was six beers in and I was standing in front of him naked. Then it would be something crude that I would force myself to justify as he yanked me closer to him.
He never looked at me the way Boone was looking at me right now.
To Boone, I was beautiful. Fully clothed. Standing in front of him. No promise of anything physical. I was just…beautiful.
His pure affection scared me. I dropped my gaze from him and stared at the ground, hating how uncomfortable I was with his praise. It was too much.
“I should get going,” I whispered as I walked over to the door. Once I was standing on the mat, I slipped on my shoes and then reached for the door handle. But before I could grasp it, Boone’s hand beat me to it. Not wanting to look up at him, I kept my gaze focused on the door in front of me.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
From the corner of my eyes, I saw him study me. “It’s okay,” I said. I glanced over at him and smiled. “I just don’t want to be late.”
His gaze searched mine as if he were looking for an answer to the question that I didn’t want him to ask. “Do you want me to come with you?”
My entire body froze. “What?”
“I can come with you.”
Was it wrong that I wanted him with me? He was on the only person on this entire Earth who I felt I could trust. And I wanted a trusted friend sitting next to me as Kevin stared me down. I knew I was going to refuse his offer, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t going to entertain what it would feel like to say yes.
“It’s just dinner,” I said, forcing a smile once more.
Boone paused, his eyes searching mine before he dropped his hand and stepped back. “Okay.”
“I’ll be back later.” I grabbed the door handle and pulled it open.
I held my breath as I walked onto the porch. I forced my feet down the back steps. The gravel crunched around my sandals as I made my way to my car and unlocked the driver’s door. It wasn’t until I was buckled and the door shut that I finally let my breath out.
I shoved the key into the ignition. As I was backing out of the spot, I let my gaze slip back to the house. Boone was standing on the porch now. He’d stopped at the top step, his arm lifted and resting on the pole next to him. He was staring at me.
I couldn’t read his gaze but I didn’t try that hard. After all, I wasn’t sure I had the strength to reject his offer if he asked me one more time.
Just as I drove past him, I waved. He didn’t move, which made me wonder if he’d seen. I thought about turning around to do it again, but then decided against it. I didn’t want to come across as desperate or weird, and turning around just to make sure Boone saw that I waved to him would put me solidly in the middle of crazy town.
Besides, I was on my way to see Kevin. I needed to remove all thoughts of Boone and focus on the situation that I was about to walk into.
By the time I got off the island and to the restaurant, I’d forced all thoughts of Boone and the interaction between us from my mind. I exited off the freeway and into the largest city closest to Harmony, Athens. Leave it to Kevin to insist that we dine off the island. He always said he couldn’t imagine himself eating anywhere that didn’t have a Michelin star.
I almost went the wrong way down a one-way but, thankfully, corrected myself before driving into oncoming traffic. The restaurant had a valet, and I was more than happy to turn my keys over to the young man in a suit sitting behind the valet stand.
I smoothed down the front of my dress, wondering if I was underdressed, before I gathered my confidence and made my way to the front doors of the restaurant. This was what I wanted to wear, and if it wasn’t good enough for Kevin, I wasn’t going to care. I was done working to please that man.
The ma?tre d’ seemed to know who I was because he said Kevin’s name before I could even speak. All I could do was nod. He extended his hand and beckoned me to follow him. I started to lead the way until I realized I didn’t know where I was going, so I held back long enough for the ma?tre d’ to get in front.
Kevin was in the farthest table. He was sitting alone with a glass of wine in front of him. He was watching something on his phone, and when we approached the table, he didn’t bother to look up. Instead, he silently clapped his hands before pumping his fist in the air.
I knew those gestures. He was watching a football game.
“Hey,” I said as I stepped up next to him. I waited for him to get up to assist me with my chair, but he didn’t even acknowledge me. I was left standing there, waiting for the gracious ma?tre d’ to help. He pulled out the chair and then helped me scoot it forward until I was comfortably sitting with my knees under the table.
“Good game?” I asked as I leaned forward, hoping that Kevin would see me.
“The Tigers are going to the Super Bowl,” he said as he moved his phone like he was turning it off, but instead he just moved it so it wasn’t directly in front of him...but it was still playing. “I’d put a million on that right now.”
If I still cared about Kevin, his inability to give me his full and undivided attention would hurt. But not now. I’d gotten used to being his last priority.
His gaze drifted over to me before he leaned in and pressed his lips to my cheek. “You look beautiful,” he whispered, his voice turning raspy. In the past, that would have my heart pumping and my body warming to his touch. Today, it was taking all of my strength not to shiver and pull away from his closeness.
If he sensed my hesitation, he didn’t acknowledge it. Instead, he just reached over, grabbed the silverware that had been wrapped in a cloth napkin, and shook it out. Then he leaned forward and gently placed the napkin on my lap. As he drew his hands away, his fingers brushed my legs.
If it had been anyone else, I would have chalked up that touch to a mistake. But this was Kevin. He didn’t make mistakes. Everything was always calculated with him. And the math was always skewed toward Kevin getting what he wanted from me even if I wasn’t willing to give it.
“This place is nice,” I said, deciding the best thing I could do was play along. This was going to be our last dinner. I needed information, and that was it. I wasn’t here to get back with him. I wasn’t here to mend our broken relationship. I didn’t even want a friendship. I just wanted to know if he was willing to be a dad.
And if he wasn’t, I was walking away.
“Ma told me about it. Thought I’d treat my lady.” He leaned in and pressed his lips to my cheek. Then he paused, inhaling deeply. “When are you coming home?” he murmured against my temple.
My instinct was to stiffen at his touch, but I forced myself to remain relaxed. He’d know that something was wrong if I didn’t melt into his arms like I’d done in the past, and I didn’t want him suspecting anything.
“I think we have some things we need to work on,” I said as I turned to meet his gaze. He was inches from my face. All I wanted to do was throw up, but I forced a smile instead.
He frowned. “Like marriage counseling?”
Like divorce. I wanted to say that aloud. I wanted to speak it out to the universe. I wanted Kevin to hear it so he knew that we were over. But my tongue felt heavy in my mouth, making my ability to form the words feel impossible.
“Something like that,” I finally managed to whisper.
Kevin frowned as he sat back in his chair but kept his arm draped on the back of mine. I could feel him staring at me. Like he was trying to figure me out. I just kept my gaze focused on the table, channeling my anxiety into adjusting the silverware.
“What do you want?” He leaned forward and I could feel his anger start to build. “Is it a baby? Is that what you want?”
I swallowed, the sound of that word on his lips made my stomach churn. “No. That’s not what I want.” I gathered all of my strength and turned to face him. “I don’t think bringing a baby into this will fix anything. Especially if that’s not what you want.” I held his gaze.
He didn’t speak right away. It was as if he were searching my eyes for an answer. “Well, I want one.” He plopped back against his chair. “There. I said it. I want a baby.”
My whole body froze. My ears were ringing, and my brain was having a hard time catching up. “What?” I whispered. My voice sounded far away and muffled. As if I were underwater.
Kevin took a sip of his wine. “I’ve just been thinking about it, and maybe I was too hasty in the past. I know back then I didn’t want kids, but I’m getting older. It sounds nice.” He shrugged as he set his glass down on the table. “I thought you would be happy about that.”
I swallowed, unsure of what to think or say. Him wanting a baby was a huge step. It was something that I never thought I would hear him say. “I am happy,” I said.
He glanced up at me and smiled. “So you want to have a family with me?”
That wasn’t what I was saying, but I knew that he wouldn’t take too kindly to rejection. So I just smiled for a moment, then my smile faltered. Was he saying he wanted kids as a ploy to get me back? If he was going to be in this child’s life, I wanted him to really want the baby.
“Kevin…”
His eyebrows went up, and I could see his jaw muscles clench. I needed to be careful with what I was about to say.
“I think we should try to get some help first before we discuss bringing a baby into this world.” There, that was diplomatic. It wasn’t taking him back, but it wasn’t forcing him away. If he wanted to be a father, I didn’t want to be the kind of mother that stood in his way.
He reached forward and enveloped my hand with his. He leaned forward, his expression softening as he stared at me. “I love you, Juniper. I’ve missed you so much. You know I would never intentionally hurt you, right? You’re the woman I’m supposed to be with.” He brought his other hand over and slipped his fingers under my chin. He tilted my face so I was forced to look at him.
“Say you forgive me,” he whispered as he held my gaze.
I knew buried somewhere inside of him was the man that I fell in love with. The man who would never hurt me. The man who would stay up late at night, laughing and joking with me. The man I would make love to until we were both sweaty and breathless.
I wanted to believe that that man still existed. If not for me and our marriage, then for our child. And I knew the moment I rejected him, that man would disappear forever.
So I said the three words that I didn’t really believe but that I knew would preserve our relationship for a few more weeks. The three words that would give me time to digest what he said tonight. The three words that should only be spoken if they are truly meant. They felt like a bitter lie on my tongue.
“I forgive you.”