Heartbreaker (Havenbrook #3)

Chapter 37

CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

MAC

We forgot to use a condom. From the moment Hudson had dropped the big ILY bomb to right this second as I was still wrapped around him, attempting to catch my breath, I hadn’t even thought about making him wrap up.

And from the whispered, “Fuck,” from him as he pulled out and set me on my feet, it hadn’t occurred to him either.

And that was the whole problem.

I couldn’t afford to be distracted now. And despite what he’d said, my family did need me. My town needed me, too. I’d skated by for too much of my life, failing the people who were closest to me, and I couldn’t do that again. I wouldn’t.

Without looking at him, I gathered up my scattered clothes, pulling my sweater over my head and stepping into my panties before escaping upstairs. I needed some space to breathe. To think. To come up with some kind of plan that wouldn’t end in both our devastation.

Except nothing came to me. I wasn’t even sure we could make this work if he lived in Havenbrook, but it didn’t matter because that wasn’t his reality. He had obligations, just like I did. He was always going to be leaving, and I was always going to have to stay.

Which left me with one option.

The backs of my eyes prickled with tears, my throat going tight. God, this was going to hurt even worse than the last time. But maybe, since I had plenty to occupy my mind and the distraction of trying to keep Havenbrook running, it wouldn’t be so bad. And even though Hudson still had a few more days in town, there was no sense in prolonging the inevitable, right?

A soft knock sounded on my bathroom door, and I finished cleaning up before pulling on my pants. I definitely wasn’t going to have this conversation half naked because we’d almost certainly end up in bed again. And as much as I loved what he did to me with that insane body of his, I couldn’t go down that path again. Not after I’d made my decision.

“Kenna, open up,” he said, his tone soft but firm. “We need to talk.”

I opened the door, not meeting his eyes, and breezed past him to head back downstairs. No good would come of us being so close to my bed. “Finally, we agree on something.”

He followed me downstairs and took the seat next to me on the couch, his elbows resting on his spread knees, hands clasped between them.

“I didn’t use a condom. I’m sorry. I didn’t—” He shook his head and scrubbed a hand down his jaw. “I wasn’t thinking.”

“I know. I have an IUD, though. And my tests are clear.”

He exhaled a deep breath. “Mine too. You know I’d never do anything to hurt you. I just lose my head around you, and?—”

“I know,” I said again, sadness seeping into my tone. In a perfect world, Hudson and I could be together. But this world was far from perfect, and I needed to crush my heart all over again. “I do too. But this is exactly why we have to break this off.”

He snapped his head to me, his eyes on fire. “Absolutely not.”

I breathed out a sad laugh, my heart a physical ache in my chest. “This isn’t a negotiation. I’m doin’ what needs to be done.”

“Like last time, huh? You plannin’ to cut me out of your life again?”

That sliced deep, but I took his words because I deserved them. I had cut him out. Not because I’d wanted to, but because I’d felt I didn’t have another choice.

“You occupy every inch of my brain, Hud, and I can’t afford that right now.” I wanted so badly to reach out and touch him. Feel his warmth and unshakable solidness under my fingers, but I knew that would only make everything so much worse. “I know you don’t understand that. And I know you don’t think what I’m doin’ here is important?—”

“I never said?—”

“But I do. And I need to do this to prove myself.” I dropped my eyes from his gaze. Feeling the shame burning bright on my cheeks.

“After you left the first time, I was so lost. I didn’t know who I was without you because I never had to figure it out.” I took a deep breath and met his eyes again. “But I have. It’s taken me a long time and I’m still fumbling my way through, but I’m gettin’ there.”

“You can still be you and be with me at the same time, Kenna. Those two aren’t mutually exclusive.”

I shook my head, my resolve firm. “Your place is in the army and mine is here in Havenbrook, and that will always be the thing that’s keepin’ us apart…whether or not we love each other.” My voice cracked on those words, and I swallowed down the tears that had lodged themselves in my throat in my effort to keep them at bay. I looked into the deep, brown eyes of the only boy I’d ever loved and shattered both our hearts. “But sometimes, love isn’t enough.”