Chapter 19
Jiro
T he California sun was a stark contrast to the memories that clouded my mind. The life I had left behind two years ago as Hoka’s wakagashira was familiar, like an old song you can’t help but hum along to. But even amid the familiarity, there was an emptiness, a void that seemed to grow with each passing day.
Hope.
She was everywhere, in every shadow, every whisper of the wind, every dream that took me away in the depths of the night. She was a ghost, not of the past, but of a future that could have been. A future where love wasn’t sacrificed for duty, where choices weren’t made out of obligation.
The garden was my sanctuary, a place where I could lose myself in thoughts and memories. The scent of blooming flowers. The gentle rustling of leaves. It all brought a semblance of peace.
Hoka’s presence was silent but strong as he took a seat beside me. We sat in silence, two old friends lost in their own worlds. The weight of his gaze was palpable, and I knew he had something to say.
“I’ve missed you, Jiro,” Hoka began. His voice soft, filled with genuine emotion. “Not just as my wakagashira , but as my brother, my confidant.”
I turned to look at him, meeting his earnest eyes. “I’ve missed this too,” I admitted. “But there’s a part of me that’s still back there, with her.”
Hoka sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I see it, you know. The way you look off into the distance, the way your face changes when you think of her. Hope has left an indelible mark on you.”
I swallowed hard, the lump in my throat making it difficult to speak. “I left to protect her, to give her a chance at a normal life.”
Hoka’s gaze was unwavering. “But did you ever give her the choice? Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, she wanted a life with you, regardless of the complications?”
His words hit me like a ton of bricks. Had I been so blinded by my sense of duty that I never considered what Hope truly wanted?
“She deserves better,” I whispered, my voice breaking.
Hoka placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder. “Maybe she does. But she also deserves a say in her own life. And maybe, just maybe, she chooses you.”
The weight of his words settled in, and for the first time in weeks, a glimmer of hope stirred inside me.
Hoka’s gaze softened, a vulnerability peeking through that I had rarely seen. “If you want to leave and be with her, I wouldn’t blame you,” he said, his voice sincere.
I scoffed, finding it hard to believe. Hoka, with his unwavering dedication to our legacy, contemplating leaving it all behind? It seemed impossible.
He caught my disbelief and chuckled softly. “I did, Jiro. When I thought I was going to lose Violet, I offered to leave everything. And I meant every word.”
I looked at him, taken aback. Hoka and Violet’s love story was legendary within our circles, but I never realized the depth of his feelings. “You would have given up the legacy? Just like that?”
Hoka nodded, his eyes distant as he remembered. “Violet is my world. Choosing her, choosing us , was the only choice that made sense. Our legacy, our duty, it means nothing if you don’t have someone to share it with.”
I felt a pang in my heart, thinking of Hope. The nights we shared, the dreams we built, all of it came rushing back .
Hoka seemed to sense my turmoil. “Listen, Jiro,” he began, his voice firm, “If you want to bring her here, to our home. She is most welcome, and I know Violet is eager to have another woman here with her, but if you want to be in Seattle with her, I can put you in charge there. I could use a man like you in Seattle. If you decide to leave to be with her, there will be no hard feelings. Only understanding.”
I let out a deep sigh, the weight of my past influencing any decision. “It’s not that simple, Hoka. I was her sister’s boyfriend, and when I knew her, she was merely a child. It feels like… I shouldn’t feel the way I feel.”
Hoka looked at me for a second before turning toward the pond again. “You were. But that feels like a lifetime ago. Times change, Jiro. People change. I changed, and I know you did, too. We were what, twenty-one at the time? Fuck, we knew nothing about the men we would become.”
I turned to him, grappling with the little line of hope he was throwing my way. “Do you really believe it could work? After everything? There was a time when I believed it could work with Anna, too. Until she demanded I change, and the fight caused her to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. I will not make the same mistake with Hope. She is my heart and soul. If she ended up resenting this life, resenting me… I don’t think I could survive.”
“Then let her in. Be honest with her. Trust her to make the right decision for herself. But don’t push her away out of fear. That’s not fair to either of you.”
I met his gaze. “I love her, Hoka. More than I’ve ever loved anyone. And the thought of losing her, of her getting hurt because of me… it terrifies me. ”
“She’s your ikigai , isn’t she?”
The term ikigai , a Japanese concept meaning “a reason for being,” struck a chord deep within me. I fought it with all my might, but I had lost, and I had to admit it to myself and to both of us.
I nodded. “Yes, she is,” I admitted with finality.
Hoka clapped a hand on my shoulder, his grip firm and reassuring. “Then trust in that. Our ancestors have a way of guiding us. They don’t make mistakes. I doubted them once and almost destroyed my relationship with the love of my life. Don’t do that. Hope deserves to have a say in her own future. And if she chooses you, then you owe it to her and to yourself to fight for that love. No matter the cost.” He let out a low chuckle. “Speaking of the love of my life, Violet wanted me to share her brother’s story with Lily.”
The realization dawned on me, and I couldn’t help but smirk. “Violet put you up to this, didn’t she?”
Hoka laughed, his eyes shining with amusement. “Of course she did. She’s the heart and soul of our family, always looking out for everyone, and she worries about you and Hope.”
I leaned back on the bench, a wry smile playing on my lips. Violet was giving me far more consideration than I deserved. “Considering she’s not my biggest fan, that’s quite the gesture.” And I couldn’t blame her for it either. I cost her… them so much. I would hate me if I were her.
You already do .
“Quite the contrary, actually. My wife likes you; even when I was ready to throw you off a cliff, she saw something in you.” He waved his hand dismissively. “She is a bottomless well of goodness and forgiveness. Something that allowed me to get her back but that I can’t really turn off whenever I please. She wants you happy and she thinks you have walked away from Hope too fast. She wanted to meddle that day at the hotel, and maybe I should have let her.”
“Maybe so,” I muttered, feeling like an inept teenager needing his mother’s assistance. I sighed, rubbing the back of my neck. “I’ve given her plenty of reasons to think otherwise.”
Hoka leaned in, his voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper. “Between you and me, she’s got a soft spot for lost causes. Take Alessandro Benetti, for instance.”
I frowned. “What’s the story there?”
Hoka rolled his eyes. “You won’t get the flowery version Violet likes to give. Basically, Sandro was a moron, thinking Lily was better without him, which made them both miserable. Violet, being Violet, intervened. And by ‘intervened,’ I mean she literally kicked his ass.”
I chuckled. “Metaphorically?”
Hoka smirked, tapping his temple. “Nope, and it’s a memory I’ll cherish forever. Anyway, once he pulled his head out of his ass, he went back to her, and they are happy now.”
I took a deep breath, my thoughts drifting back to Hope. “You think she’s miserable? Hope, I mean?”
Hoka looked at me like I was the dumbest person to have ever existed. “You must know she loves you.”
“She said that much, but it was in bed after—” I cleared my throat. “We don’t really think clearly in those moments.”
Hoka snorted. “No, we certainly don’t. But women…” He shook his head. “They know their feelings. If she said the words, she meant them, and she was miserable when she realized you were not in the hotel room.”
I swallowed hard, the weight of his words sinking in. “But this life… it’s not easy.”
Hoka shook his head, exasperated. “She’s not in love with the life, Jiro. She’s in love with you. Everything else is just background noise.”
“I just—”
“Go speak with Violet,” Hoka offered suddenly. “Honestly, just go. She sent me, but I’m so shit at this I’m set up to fail. She’ll have the right words.”
I couldn’t help but smile. “You’re not doing so bad.”
“For real?” he asked quite cheerfully.
I laughed. “No, you’re terrible, but then so am I, so I understood what you meant.” I sighed and stood up. “I think I need to take a trip to Seattle.”
Hoka mirrored my movement and stood as well. “The plane is ready and waiting for you.”
I arched an eyebrow. “How did you know I would go?”
It was Hoka’s turn to laugh now. “I may not be the most articulate when it comes to matters of the heart, but I know men like us. I know how obsessively we love.”
The soft hum of a lullaby led me to the nursery, where I found Violet, her silhouette framed by the soft glow of the room’s window. She was gently rocking her son nestled in her arms, his tiny fingers wrapped around hers. The sight was heartwarming, a stark contrast to the world we lived in.
She looked up, her eyes brightening with a warm smile. “Jiro,” she greeted, her voice a soft whisper so as not to disturb the baby. “What brings you here?”
I hesitated, taking a moment to gather my thoughts. “I’ve been wondering… have you ever regretted this life? Being part of the yakuza, living by its rules?”
Violet paused, her gaze drifting to her son, then back to me. “Not for a single day,” she replied with conviction. “Yes, there’s darkness in this life, and I’ve felt its weight firsthand. But the love, the joy, the moments like these”—she gestured to the cradle—“they make it all worth it.”
I took a deep breath, my insecurities bubbling to the surface. “I’m not sure I’m worthy of Hope. I’ve made countless mistakes, Violet. Big ones.”
Violet’s gaze softened, her maternal instincts shining through. “It’s those very doubts, Jiro, that make you worthy. It means you care. That you want to be better for her.”
I looked down, struggling to swallow past the lump of emotion lodged in my throat. “But what if I can’t give her the life she deserves?”
Violet chuckled softly, her eyes twinkling with mischief. “Hope reminds me so much of myself when I first joined Hoka. She’s strong, resilient, and fiercely loyal. She’ll be an incredible partner for you, and together, you’ll build a beautiful life here.”
I smiled, feeling a weight lift off my shoulders. “Thank you. That means more than you know.”
She grinned, her playful side emerging. “Plus, I can already see Hope and I becoming fast friends. We need more strong women around here. It’s about time we balance out all this testosterone.”
I laughed, the tension in the room dissipating. “I’ll drink to that.”
Violet winked, her mood lightening. “Just remember, Jiro, love is a journey. And with Hope by your side, it’s a journey worth taking.”
I hesitated, my fingers drumming on the edge of the crib. “I’m heading to Seattle soon,” I admitted, my voice barely above a whisper. “It’s been three weeks since I last spoke to Hope. I’m… I’m worried about how she’ll receive me.”
Violet gently placed her son in the crib, ensuring he was snug and comfortable. She then turned to face me, her eyes searching mine. “Jiro,” she began, her voice soft yet firm, “when I ran away from Hoka, when I was at my lowest, wishing I could just disappear, even when I tried to convince myself I hated him… deep down, I always loved him.”
I swallowed hard, her words resonating with the turmoil within me.
She continued, “There’s this inexplicable connection, a pull that’s impossible to resist. It’s the ikigai , I’m sure of it. Before I even knew what it meant, I felt it with Hoka. And I’m certain Hope feels the same about you.”
I looked down, my heart heavy with hope and fear. “But what if she doesn’t want this life here? What if it’s too much to ask?”
Violet stepped closer, placing a comforting hand on my arm. “Then you’ll know. But you won’t know unless you try. Go to her, Jiro. Be honest. Lay your heart bare, share your feelings, your fears, your doubts. Let her show you that, in the grand scheme of things, they matter so little compared to the love you share.”
I nodded, taking a deep breath. “Thank you, Violet. I needed to hear that.”
She smiled, her eyes warm and understanding. “Sometimes, all we need is a little push in the right direction. Now go and bring Hope back into your life.”
I stepped out of the house, the cool evening air brushing against my face. The sleek black car awaited me, its engine purring softly. Sliding into the back seat, I drummed my fingers on my leg, my mind racing with thoughts of Hope.
“Okay, Jiro,” I muttered to myself, trying to rehearse what I’d say to her. “Hope, from the moment I saw you again, my heart… um, did that thing. You know, the fluttery thing. And I realized… um, that you’re like… the peanut butter to my jelly?”
I groaned, slapping my forehead. “That’s terrible.”
I tried again, attempting to sound more poetic. “Hope, you’re the moonlight in my darkest nights, the… um, sugar in my coffee?”
I could almost hear Oda’s mocking laughter in my head. “Really, Jiro? Sugar in your coffee? Typical millennial,” he’d mutter, shaking his head in mock disappointment.
I sighed as the driver pulled onto the main road that led to the airfield. The city lights blurred past me, but all I could think of was Hope. “Come on, Jiro,” I pep-talked myself. “You’ve faced down dangerous men, navigated the treacherous world of the yakuza, you know how to kill a man a hundred and twenty-two different ways, and yet you can’t string together a simple love confession? ”
I imagined Oda beside me, smirking. “It’s always the tough ones who struggle with matters of the heart,” he’d say, chuckling.
I rolled my eyes, even though Oda wasn’t really there. “Thanks for the pep talk,” I muttered sarcastically.
As the airfield came into view, I took a deep breath, trying to calm my racing heart. “Okay, one last try,” I whispered to myself. “Hope, from the moment I laid eyes on you, my world shifted. You’re the missing piece I never knew I was searching for. I love you, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make you see that.”
It wasn’t perfect, but it was honest. And as the car parked and I headed toward the waiting plane, I hoped it would be enough.
As I settled into the plush seat of the plane, the engines roared to life, and we began our ascent. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and whispered a silent prayer, “Ancestors, grant me one last wish, one last shot at heaven. Let me keep my literal and proverbial Hope—that vibrant five-foot-two woman with purple hair and eyes so blue, I could drown in them and die with a smile on my face.” The plane soared higher, taking my hopes and prayers with it.