Chapter 11
In the blackness,sound returned. The thumping ofher heart, the rush of her breath. Then the light came back, too, as Kelsi lifted her lashes and focused.
Jack was still with her. Only now he took more of his weight on his arms so she wasn’t so crushed.
‘Beautiful Kelsi.’ He kissed her—her lips, her face, her neck, all over. Soft, sweet, reverent passion. ‘You’re okay?’
She nodded contentedly. And then, despite her thinking she had zero energy left, she kissed him back, running the tip of her tongue along his lips, teasing them open some more so she could explore his mouth. Long, luscious kisses that were slivers of heaven.
He broke apart, moved to kneel beside her. ‘In a bed this time. In bed all night.’ He gathered her into his arms and carried her to her bedroom.
He was relentless in his attention. In the words he whispered throughout the night. In his pursuit of her pleasure.
She had no hope of holding out—and no desire to. She totally succumbed to the feelings she had for him, submerged in the sensations he pulled from her and the bliss of believing herself to be utterly desired. For the first time in her life she felt beautiful and special and sexy.
As the new day advanced so did her sense of confidence—of fun. She took the time to tease him—to ride astride him as she’d done that wild day on the beach. Mesmerised, she made his muscles bunch and ripple and shake in a way that was so far beyond his control. She glowed as she felt the power and pleasure of being attractive.
Together they lost time in the exploration of each other. It was magic—beyond thought, word or touch. Simply sensation.
‘Are you okay? You’re sure you’re okay?’ He asked after he’d done a kitchen raid for both salty and sweet supplies in the early afternoon. ‘Not too tired?’
She shook her head. ‘Just don’t ask me to get out of bed today. Other than for a shower.’
‘A shower and then straight back to bed,’ he said firmly. ‘Bed all day tomorrow, too.’
She giggled, more inclined to move on him than to argue at that moment.
The sun shone in through her window, sending a sheet of warm, bright light diagonally across the bed. She stretched out in the middle of it, for once letting the warm rays soothe her sensitive skin.
He lay on his back, his hand resting low on his abs as his chest rose and fell fast as he caught his breath. But his gaze didn’t leave hers. She knew—because hers didn’t leave his.
‘Why do you hide your eyes? They’re the most amazing colour.’
She sighed and then rolled, reaching for her phone on the bedside table. She scrolled through a few pictures and then showed him one. ‘This is my mum.’
He studied it. ‘Wow, wouldn’t have guessed.’
No, her mother had light-brown hair and blue eyes. ‘So who do you think I look like then?’ she asked.
‘Oh.’ He looked awkward. ‘Your dad. And he’s...?’
‘A jerk,’ Kelsi said. ‘Yeah.’
He reached out and touched her shoulder. ‘How so?’
‘He just... He cheated on Mum and she took him back and he just let her down again. It went on and on until he finally left us for good. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing him look back at me. He brought nothing but disappointment.’
‘Are you in touch with him now?’
She flicked through a couple more pics on her phone. ‘This is him here.’
She waited while Jack looked at that one.
‘Who’s he with?’
‘His stepdaughter. She’s the same age as me.’ And pretty in the world’s most conventional way. She’d gone on to study law and commerce at university—he was so proud of her.
‘Really?’ Jack handed the phone back.
‘He went to her graduation. He bought her her first car. He gave a speech at her twenty-first...’ Kelsi pulled the sheet up to cover herself.
‘And he did none of those things for you.’
He’d said he would. But had he? ‘No.’
He hadn’t shown up to either the twenty-first or the graduation. He’d let her down so many times before that, she shouldn’t have been disappointed. But she had been. Always she’d wanted to believe he’d be there for something that really mattered. And he never had.
‘He’s hurt you a lot, huh?’ Jack said softly.
She shrugged to minimise it. ‘Parents are supposed to stuff us up, right?’
‘Parents are supposed to support their kids. Not be selfish.’
She looked at him—saw him freeze as they both suddenly thought of their own child, slowly growing inside her. They had a huge job ahead of them—and they had conflicting wants for the future. Now they’d complicated it all the more by bringing their lust into the equation.
Doubt surfaced the way a mythical monster rose from a picture-perfect lake—sudden and terrifying. What were they doing sleeping together like this? Where was it leading?
She knew already. Because while he’d made her feel so wonderful with his hot words and praises, there’d been no promises.
Kelsi sat up, moving away from him. And for the first time in fifteen hours, he let her.
She walked into her bathroom, knowing she needed to put the brakes on her infatuation. Just because the man thought she was attractive, she didn’t need to think herself in love with him or anything. She needed to watch herself.
But Jack appeared in the doorway, coming to stand behind her as she frowned at herself in the mirror. His hands settled on her body—smoothing.
‘You’re not your mum, Kelsi, and not your dad. Just you. And your eyes are beautiful. Be proud of them.’
She turned and shushed him with her mouth. She didn’t want those words any more—the ones that made her fall all the more for him. Recklessly she fired up her movements. She had to make the most of the moment. Because the moment couldn’t possibly last.
Through the night Jack let her take the lead—both physically and in the avoidance of discussing anything too heavy. He didn’t want to think of anything more than a few minutes ahead.
She pushed them both to a new frontier of high-speed, high-endurance sex that had her clutching the bedhead for support and him feeling like beating his chest and roaring like a victorious warlord. She stunned him with her strength and stamina and sparkle.
He’d known, hadn’t he? He’d known how passionate and beautiful and bewitching she was. How wild. And he was so damn glad he’d worked out how to unlock it all again. He buried himself in her, buried the thoughts of what else he ought to be doing. He just wanted to be with her.
But on Sunday morning, she pushed him away. ‘I have to work on a design. I have a deadline this week. I can’t waste another day with you.’
Waste a day? Um, no, he damn well wasn’t wasting a day either. He didn’t have time to. So he wasn’t going anywhere. But he could make a compromise. ‘I could help you.’
‘No, you can’t,’ she said firmly. ‘You’re a distraction.’
‘I won’t be. You need to take regular breaks from the computer or you’ll get RSI.’
‘I need to concentrate.’
‘I’ll be quiet. In fact I’m going to sleep. I’m tired.’ He snapped his eyes shut. ‘You go work for a few hours out there.’ He felt her hesitation. ‘Go on,’ he said brusquely. ‘Stop wasting time. Get chained to the computer. If I hear you moving around I’ll be out with the whip.’
‘The whip?’ she asked a little too innocently.
He opened one eye and grinned. ‘Later, if you’re lucky,’ he teased.
He stretched out in her cosy bed and listened to her rhythmic tapping of the keyboard, feeling his tension rising again already. Crazy. Even by his standards he should be at saturation point, yet here he was hornier than ever. Ridiculous.
He gave her just over an hour but then it was time to lay claim to her for a while. He walked up behind her, quietly impressed by the screeds of programming gobbledegook across the big computer screen. She pressed a button and it turned into an incredible graphic interface. Wow.
But she was even more wow.
‘I’m going to shower.’ He danced his fingertips across her collarbones, bending to kiss the side of her neck.
‘Oh.’ She sighed deeply.
Seeing her melt was gratifying.
‘You want to join me?’ He pulled her back towards him so he could kiss lower down her neck.
‘Mmm. It’ll boost my energy.’
He teased her into the bathroom. It was as amazing as the rest of her flat—antique glass bottles were filled with soaps and lotions and lined up along the shelf, and there were random things in unexpected places. But the shower and basin units were gleaming white, the towels huge and soft and inviting. It was feminine but not fluffy, simple and yet stamped with her quirk. He liked that she’d made a little luxury sanctuary for herself. He also liked it that she ran the water as hot as he did. Watching her enjoy it was almost as sensational as feeling her explode around him. Combining the two was insane.
‘Let me.’ He rubbed her scalp and twisted her hair into froth covered crazy shapes.
Afterwards she pulled on some clothes and didn’t bother doing her hair, just went straight back to park in front of her computer and disappeared off into concentration land. Refusing to feel surplus to requirements, Jack prowled into the kitchen, his stomach telling him sustenance was necessary sooner rather than later. The contents of her cupboards weren’t inspiring.
‘I’m going to the shop, Kelsi. Anything you want?’
She shook her head and didn’t take her eyes from the screen. ‘No, I’m fine.’
He walked down to the local supermarket, enjoying the heat of the sun on his back and the prospect of another lazy afternoon in bed. His phone chimed. He checked the screen and grimaced. But this time he had to take the call he’d been avoiding all week.
‘Hi, Pete.’ His friend and sometimes coach. Calling in coach capacity this time for sure.
‘Heard from Tahu.’ Pete didn’t muck about. ‘He said you were cutting some moves on the dance floor the other night.’
‘Yeah.’ Jack nodded. No denying that.
‘The knee’s all good now?’
No denying that either. ‘A lot better, yeah.’
‘So why are you there when the snow’s here?’
Good question.
‘I thought you said it was going to take a lot more than a couple of weeks?’
That was the ‘official’ reason he’d given to come back to New Zealand—to take the time to really let his knee heal. But it was all about Kelsi and it always had been. He’d pretended it was the knee for his own sanity—but he knew he was all insane for her. Now, even more.
‘Life’s gotten a little complicated, Pete,’ was all he could say.
‘Well, it’s your call, but we’re here to work if you want to join us.’
‘Great. I’ll let you know as soon as I do.’ He shoved the phone in his pocket and strode out. Frustrated the end loomed so much sooner than he’d wanted to acknowledge.
But it had to end. He had an obligation not just to himself, but to the sponsors his younger colleagues so desperately needed, to the sport itself. He had to get back to work because it was what he did.
This thing between Kelsi and him wasn’t anything more than a completion of the fling they’d begun on the beach that day, right? And they’d be friends who’d get on well for the sake of their child.
But he didn’t feel ‘friendly’ towards her. He felt protective and passionate and out of control. He wanted her all the more instead of less. And now his body felt as if it were being torn apart with its conflicting desires.
The only way to deal with it was to put a time limit on it—force it to a close. He’d book his ticket for the end of the week and then maximize these last few days. That would see it out—surely.
He stared sightlessly across the supermarket car park. Decision made. But he didn’t want to tell Kelsi. Not just yet. He didn’t want to ruin the fragile peace that had built between them. Sleeping together again had been the best thing for them to do, but also the worst—because it had only proven how fantastic they were together. Leaving wasn’t going to be that easy at all. Not for him.
But for her? He really wasn’t sure. He knew she liked the sex between them, but he didn’t know how she really felt about him. Maybe the sex was all it was.
Kelsi was a strong woman—stronger than he’d first thought. And maybe she’d been right that night they’d found out about the baby—she didn’t really need him.
And she didn’t really want him.
And he didn’t want to ask. For the first time ever in his life, he felt unsure of something. He’d always had such complete confidence—he needed it to do what he did. But understanding Kelsi? He figured he’d find out when he told her he was leaving.
All the more reason to delay doing that a little.
He had to leave believing he was doing the right thing. It was the only way he could. And he was sure he was—he would leave her in the care of the best doctors money could buy, set up in a beautifully restored home...safe.
He didn’t bother going into the supermarket after all. His appetite had been crunched.
Kelsi got used to having him in her bed way too easily. The next couple of nights were filled with hedonistic pleasure. Food, fun, frolics. She left work early—hurrying home to see him again. Amazed at the way his hunger inflamed hers.
And he was unbelievably hungry. The stamina of the professional athlete was something to be in awe of. There was no end to it. And it only got hotter.
They lazed across the bed in the evening, surrounded by the initial plans that the architect and Alice the interior decorator had come up with for the redesign of the shell downstairs, laughing about how they’d underestimated her. The design ideas were fantastic.
Finally Kelsi felt excited about the future. With a few twists here and there, the ground floor was going to become a beautiful home. She chose to forget about the flat that would be left upstairs. She chose to ignore all the questions that whispered in the back of her mind. She chose to be swept away by the furious passion he ignited. And he did it so often, with a fierce kind of determination. Keeping them busy—in bed, at play on the skateboard, ever so occasionally letting them sleep.
Jack pulled her close and took her as if he were about to board a ship and face six months’ celibacy. Which he was. But it was so much more than this that he was going to miss. He wanted to be with her as the house was put back together, wanted to laugh with her, wanted just to be with her.
Every hour he knew he ought to say something. But every hour he waited made it worse and he couldn’t and he was so angry with himself for feeling wrong about something that was right.
That was it—the dream he’d been chasing all his life. He had to go.
And, he figured, how she reacted would be his final answer. Whether she wanted him for something more, or whether this was simply fun sex with a few complications. Complications that for him were becoming increasingly awful.
On Thursday morning Jack was out of bed hours before she was. He’d made her a light breakfast as he had every morning since they’d come together again. But he didn’t touch the toast he had on his own plate.
‘Kelsi.’
She glanced at him, surprised and silenced by the pale tension in his face.
‘I’m flying to Canada on Friday.’
She swallowed back the excess spit that had just surged in her mouth and clamped down on her muscles. Now was not the time for morning sickness. ‘Next week?’
‘No. I mean tomorrow.’
She reeled in disbelief. Started to giggle—but it died before it bubbled from her lips because he was looking horribly serious. ‘When did you book the ticket?’
‘Monday.’
So he’d known most of the week? ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
He stood up from the table but didn’t walk. ‘I?—’
‘Didn’t want to.’ That was obvious. So only twenty-four hours out from his departure he was landing it on her. She supposed she should be grateful for even that long. It could have been only a couple. She tried not to let panic clutch hold of her. ‘How long will you be gone for?’
‘Three or four months.’
Wow. She pushed her plate of toast away. Here it was— that future she’d been ignoring. She’d known. His knee was better, he was increasing his exercise.
But she just hadn’t believed it. She’d got dazzled by the intensity of their togetherness in the last few days. Had actually started to think his insatiable hunger and need to be near her might mean something more.
But all it had been was him making the most of things before he went away. Having the fun while he could. But he’d have fun over there, too—he was going off with his mates and the snowbunnies and temptation and she was as jealous as hell. And hurt.
He was leaving her. Of course he was leaving her. Had she been so stupid to think that he wouldn’t? Yes, she had.
Three or four months meant he’d be away when she had her nineteen week scan. Her baby’s first photo and he wouldn’t be there. The first of a million milestones that he’d miss. Just as her father had missed most of hers.
Her baby deserved better.
‘Kelsi?’
He was watching her closely. What did he expect—that she’d smile and say okay? It wasn’t okay, she wasn’t going to make it that easy for him. He wanted everything too easy.
‘Um...’ Emotion swamped her—pain and anger. Her hands shook and she curled her fingers to stop it. She couldn’t get past the shock. And the cold hard truth of his rejection. There wasn’t even the tiniest consideration that she might go with him. He was just going to walk out and leave her.
Military wives coped with their men leaving all the time. She knew that. But they had promises and security—and she didn’t mean financial.
Emotional. There was no emotional security with Jack.
‘Kelsi. You’ll be fine. You’ll be secure here.’
The air punctured her lungs like shards of glass, deflating the last of her dreams. Did he really think that was all that mattered? What about her heart? Her shaking only worsened and she stood. He’d given her more than that security. He’d given her a child and empty hope. And as payment he’d taken her heart. Only he didn’t actually want it.
And that was the horrible reality, wasn’t it—he didn’t want her. Not for anything more than a little fling.
‘Our sleeping together again was a really big mistake,’ she mumbled.
‘It had to happen, Kelsi, you know it did. You can’t regret it.’
She didn’t look at him. It had to happen? What, they’d had to burn it out? But it wasn’t burned out—for her it meant more than ever. Her hands slid to her belly. She regretted everything.
‘No,’ he said firmly. ‘Do not regret that.’ He walked across the room—halfway to the door already. ‘Kelsi, I have to go. This is my life.’
Yeah. His life of travel and adventure and always striving to push his body to the absolute boundaries of ability—all so admirable. Her anger raged—because his ‘extreme’ life was so safe. And so selfish.
‘And this is mine. You have to get on with yours, Jack, I get that. But I have to move on and make a life for myself and my child.’
He turned hack to face her. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean I’m going to get on with it.’
‘Without me.’
‘You’re the one choosing to leave.’
‘And there’s no coming back? Is that it?’
She nodded fiercely.
‘What, this is some kind of ultimatum?’ His voice rose.
Yeah. She wanted to test him—she wanted the truth in his answer. ‘That too big a pill for you, Jack? Someone asking you for something?’
‘You’re not asking, you’re demanding. And your price is too high.’
So it was true that words were mightier than the sword—words could hurt in a way that physical wounds couldn’t. They could poison, and tear apart. She felt as if he’d just sliced her womb open—exposing her and her baby to extreme vulnerability.
His anger lifted. ‘You’d really rather I didn’t come back at all?’
Kelsi clung to the back of the dining chair, gripping it with both hands. Trying to breathe normally, not take the great gulps that would give her away—that would accelerate into sobs all too soon. Her brain strained to function, to protect herself and the tiny life inside her.
‘I have to go,’ he said too firmly. ‘I’m sorry, Kelsi.’
She’d heard those meaningless words before. She’d been let down so many times before. What was she going to tell her child? Sorry, honey, but Daddy was too busy getting his kicks flipping round mountains to call in. ‘There’s more to life than tricks and turns and casual sex.’
His muscles bunched. ‘This is my job. You have to understand that.’
She could tell this baby that until she was blue in the face hut there was always, always that kernel inside that felt the rejection personally. The child would still know that it wasn’t a priority. That its father couldn’t be bothered—that his work was more important. Even when he had billions in the bank and didn’t need to work at all.
Rejection. There was nothing like it.
Kelsi knew the feeling all too well. And even though she had the most wonderful mother who had loved her and supported her—it was still there. There was still that kernel—the one grit of sand that rubbed a tiny spot raw.
Her father hadn’t wanted her. And had let her down again and again.
Just as Jack was letting this child down.
He wouldn’t change his lifestyle for it. Hotel rooms. A few months here. A few months there. Hell, he wouldn’t even be in Christchurch much. When he was in New Zealand he’d be at Karearea Lodge for the season. All this time fixing up the house hadn’t been for him. His interest in the kitchen design had just been a passing entertainment. The whole thing was simply another project—a job to get done a.s.a.p. so he could get back to the fun bits.
Without her.
And she was such a fool.
‘What happened to shared custody?’ Her voice rose, wobbling. ‘What happened to you taking me to court and fighting me for your right to be a father?’
‘You were pushing me out, Kelsi. I had to say something. I had to keep you talking to me. I needed time.’
‘For what? To sleep with me some more while you sorted out the house and the money and stuff so then you could go on your merry way feeling like everything was just fabulous? Was this just another little challenge? Was I just another challenge?’
‘Kelsi, you’re not thinking rationally. You’re pregnant and you’re getting upset.’
‘Don’t you dare blame my getting upset on pregnancy hormones. You’re being a selfish jerk, Jack. Own up to it. And if you want out, then get out for good.’
”No, you’re being unreasonable. What do you want from me?’ he shouted. ‘I’m working as hard as I can to fix this.’
He was throwing some money around and escaping.
‘And I’m having a baby,’ she shouted back. ‘But the timing sucks and you’re not the father my child needs. I wanted to give my child what I didn’t have. While my mother was fantastic, I know how hard she had to work, the sacrifices she made and what she missed out on because she had me so young and all on her own. I didn’t want to let her down by making the same mistake.’
‘You were not a mistake,’ Jack said quickly. ‘Our being together was not a mistake. Our child is not a mistake.’
‘No, but our continuing to have any kind of a relationship is.’ She slammed the chair into place beneath the table. ‘You’re walking out, Jack. You can’t cope with the idea of settling. Your pattern is fixed and it isn’t going to change and that’s fine. But I’m not putting my child in a position to have to deal with you popping in and out of its life like a jack-in-the-box.’ She looked up at him. ‘I know what it’s like to be let down time and time again.’ She straightened. ‘I won’t let you do it. I’m going to move out and make my own home for my baby.’
‘This is ridiculous Kelsi.’ His temper flared and he walked towards her. ‘Be honest. This isn’t even about the baby. You keep saying it is, but it isn’t. This is about you. You’re mad because I’m leaving you.’
Of all the arrogant, cruel, utterly correct things to throw at her. She was furious. Yes, she’d fallen for him. He’d made her fall for him. She wanted him to be with her—to want to be with her. But she’d be damned if she was going to admit that. Not when he so clearly didn’t want her the same way.
‘Not at all, Jack,’ she said, her pride bursting out like New Year’s fireworks lighting the sky. ‘You can go any time you like. It doesn’t bother me.’
‘Really.’ He pulled up taut.
‘Of course,’ she said, her words brittle and bitchy. ‘This is just a fling. It’s always been fantasy sex. Physical attraction and all that. You know we’re not compatible in any other aspect.’
‘Really.’ Now he spoke with equally cool precision. ‘Okay, so if this isn’t about you or about us, then it is about the baby. But are you sure you’re doing such a great job thinking about what will really be of benefit to our child?’
‘I’m the one putting this child first, Jack.’
‘You’re putting your own hang-ups first,’ he snapped. ‘I’m not like your father. I’m not lying—I’m not going to promise something I have no intention of following through on. I’ll always step up to my responsibilities but I will do it my way. Yes, a child needs security and consistency but it’s also important for him to see his parents happy and fulfilled and achieving their dreams. So the kid learns that it’s possible to make dreams come true.’
He walked towards her making his case—articulate, driven, compelling—and slicing the certainty from her.
‘So our child won’t have a dad in a conventional job or parents in a conventional relationship. So what? Why does that mean I have to be excluded completely from its life? You don’t think the kid might actually be proud of what I do?’
Kelsi folded her arms across her chest and pressed her hands deeper into her sides to stop the hurt escaping.
‘I have got a lot I can offer that child—much more than money. I can teach our child passion and in a few years it can travel with me. Imagine the unique experiences I can provide. It’d be a blast.’
She gulped to hold back her gasp—because that really hurt. That hurt more than anything. Because there’d been no mention—no hint even—of her travelling with him. Of her becoming involved in the one true passion of his life.
His mouth compressed at her lack of response. ‘I’m the one doing all the running here, Kelsi. I’ve put my job on hold for the last fortnight so I can sort you out a home and some security—financial and physical. I’m doing all I can to compromise. It’s about time you did, too.’
‘Two weeks, huh. Jack?’ Scorn poured from her. ‘How big of you to give it so long. I’m automatically landed with the next nine months. Think on that for a minute, why don’t you?’
Jack stalked to the door. ‘I won’t ever deny that you have the bigger burden, Kelsi. But nor will I let you deny all that I have to contribute as well.’