Chapter Thirteen
A ring on his finger. The words kept spiraling around Connor’s head, faster and faster, until they became one word. Ring. He hadn”t ever let himself think that before, not with any seriousness. Now he couldn”t stop. The more he thought about it, the more he wanted it. He swore under his breath and glowered. If he hadn”t been such a damn stubborn mule about all the wrong things, their relationship wouldn”t be on tenterhooks and this all-consuming thought about putting a ring on Theo’s finger and truly calling him his wouldn”t be so equally depressing and exhilarating.
Connor stepped backward until his shoulders hit the wall. The relative peace in the foyer of Elias’ house was a cushion he needed to get himself back on track. No matter how hard he tried to hide it or ignore it, the cloud of his depression still clung heavy, weighing him down despite his best efforts to shake free from its grip. Group settings like this dinner gathering were always the hardest to navigate. He kept up appearances, worked hard to make his smile convincing, and tried to ignore the empty, hollow ache in his chest. But the act was an exhausting one to keep up for long periods.
“Yo,” a voice startled Connor from his solitude. His eyes snapped toward the source. Toby eyed him from the doorway to Elias’ family room with an edge of wariness. “What’s your deal?”
“Beg pardon?” Connor pulled himself upright and squared his shoulders. The mask slid back into place as he aimed his best attempt at a smile toward the young preteen.
“I said, what’s your deal?” Toby crossed his arms over his chest and jerked his chin toward Connor. “You walk out on my brother, on us… but then you show up at my games and tonight. You came over to cut the grass the other day. What”s your deal?”
Connor inhaled a slow, deep breath. “I get it. I reckon I owe y’all an apology too. I”m trying, kid. I know I messed up, but I”m trying.”
“Are you in or are you out?” Toby stepped halfway down the hall and stopped short, narrowing his eyes. “And don”t call me kid. I”m not your kid. Maybe I”m young, but I”m old enough to know when I”m being played. You got Theo fucked up seven ways to Sunday over whatever this is. I”m not gonna let you keep fucking him up unless you”re in. We’ve dealt with enough false promises and pretend family bullshit.”
Good Lord, this kid was intimidating. Connor swallowed down his stubborn pride and skimmed Toby’s hardened expression before speaking. “I ain”t playing. If’n ye think I”m just stringing him along, you”re wrong. I love him, and yeah, I love you and Anna too. I messed up. I”m working on it, though. I ain”t gonna ask you to believe me, but I am asking y’all to gimme a chance to prove it.”
Toby’s eyes grew even narrower as he stared Connor down in the dimly lit room. The angled shadows played over his features and made his eyes even darker, highlighting the subtle changes in his features. Toby wasn”t the adolescent boy Connor had first met over a year ago in the White House. The taller, rangy frame and the subtle sharpening of his jawline and cheekbones spoke to a young boy straddling the line between child and man. His experiences over the last year, combined with the struggles of their life, fueled the appearance with a hard edge of wariness where a child’s innocence should reside.
“Hmn. One chance. You get only one more chance. Theo might have the backbone of a damn jellyfish, but I don”t. Don”t mess with his heart. Don”t mess with Anna’s. Don”t even think about messing with mine.” Toby jerked his chin again, squeezing his biceps so hard, his knuckles went white.
“Thank you, Tob. I promise… I ain”t willing to risk losing y’all again.”
“Newsflash, you did lose us. You lost us the day you walked out that door. It”s on you to win us back. Then we can talk about losing us again.” Toby pivoted on his toes and moved back toward the family room. He paused at the doorway long enough to glance over his shoulder. “Decide for real if you”re in or out. You don”t get another chance after this one.”
Connor exhaled, his chest deflating as absorbed the weight of Toby’s words. It wasn”t often he got his ass handed to him. The fact that a thirteen year old kid just spit words of warning that were more emotionally charged and intelligent than most adults drove the sting even deeper. It was a sobering moment. He glanced between the family room on one side and the kitchen on the other. Conversation, muted and softened by the distance, floated around him and left him feeling distant, removed, and somber.
He was on the outside, as much as everyone still welcomed him into the fold. Trapped in a purgatory of his own design and fighting to climb back out. Fighting against the clawing hands of depression and insecurity and trust issues. Sometimes, it was like trying to kick himself free of quicksand only to find himself pulled deeper for his efforts.
A shadow passed over the beam of light streaming from the kitchen as a figure stepped into the hall. A soft gasp Connor would recognize anywhere pulled him out of his existential crisis and back into the present moment as Theo stumbled backward a half step and pressed a palm to his chest.
“Jesus, you scared me,” Theo mumbled as he regained his voice. “Are you all right?”
“Yeah. Reckon I”m fine.” Connor swiftly drew himself upright and turned the wattage on his smile up. “How you doing?”
“Hm,” Theo hummed as he searched Connor’s face across the shadowy expanse. “I”m okay. I was just going to give the kids the heads up that we’re leaving soon.”
Quiet fell between them as silent questions floated back and forth with no answers. For as many steps forward as Connor had taken, they still had so much farther to go. That fact stabbed into his chest with a pain so visceral, Connor subconsciously reached up to press his fingertips to his sternum.
“Mind if’n I walk y”all home?” Connor”s voice cracked on the last syllable. Theo’s face softened in response. Even despite the canyon between them, the familiarity was still there. They’d always been able to read one another like an open book.
“Yeah, I”d like that, Con.” Theo breached the distance between them and ghosted his fingertips over Connor’s forearm. “I”d like that a lot.”
With a resolute nod in unison, they parted ways in the hallway. Theo disappeared into the family room as Connor reappeared in the kitchen. The lights felt too bright, too revealing after the darkness of the empty foyer where he’d danced with his shadows and struggled against their stranglehold. Sloughing off those icy fingers left him feeling exhausted and vulnerable as the eyes in the kitchen turned toward his presence.
“Oh, I thought you left with Bell and Lil.” Taz eyed him from his spot at the kitchen island with an unrevealing expression.
“Nah, I just walked’em out and took a minute.” Connor approached the island and downed the last of his water with a gulp.
“We’ll see you tomorrow at the house, correct?” Luke clapped a hand to Connor’s shoulder as he moved through the space.
“A-yup. Finalizing another contract with Liam and Leon.” Connor collected his wallet and keys from where he’d tossed them on the island. “We still on for running club this week?”
“Affirmative. Fifteen hundred sharp.”
“Sounds like a plan.” Connor turned his attention toward Elias and Caleb where they leaned against the opposite counter, always side by side. Envy churned in his gut as he tried to tamp it down. “Thanks for having us ‘round. I appreciate it.”
“Always a pleasure, Connor.” Elias shared an easy smile with him across the distance. It was clear he didn”t have to work for his smiles like Connor did.
“I”m gonna take off here, unless y’all need help with anything?” Connor swept his gaze over the island.
“Nope. We’re good. Thank you for coming.” Caleb cocked his head briefly, shedding his dramatic persona in a rare glimpse of the authentic, genuine man he kept close to his chest. “You should stop by more often. No need to call ahead. We”re homebodies once we finish at the office.”
Connor darted his eyes between Elias’ and Caleb”s faces. His smile came a little easier when he found only earnestness and concern there. “Reckon I might just do that. I appreciate it.”
“Um, you ready?” Theo interrupted from the doorway, anxiously juggling his keys in his palm.
“Yup. Let’s head out.” Connor waved to the two couples in the kitchen as he moved toward the exit. Theo exchanged another round of goodbyes before nodding to Connor. The strain was back, even if it was less noticeable now. The physical distance between them as they moved toward the front door was something Connor was keenly aware of.
The air outside was humid and warm, even with the arrival of nightfall. He’d been hoping for a breath of fresh air, but the swamp they stepped into was not even remotely refreshing. Like a well-oiled machine, the Secret Service agents who awaited them pressed in close as they assumed their formation, and the proximity and weight of their presence had Connor once again struggling with the sense of drowning.
The kids walked ahead with their diligent agents, leaving Theo and Connor to pull up the rear. The distance between them, every bone-aching inch of it, melted away with each step they took. Connor nearly cried out with joy as Theo’s pinky brushed the side of his hand before linking with his. It was a small, seemingly insignificant connection, but it meant the world to him. A thin tether between them existed and he finally, finally felt that breath of fresh air expand in his lungs.
It was a short walk between Elias” and Theo’s, but Connor wanted it to last forever. Every moment they were together lessened the weight on his chest and buoyed his spirits. He reveled in the fact that they had to wait for the Secret Service to do a security clearance of the house while they lingered in the garage. Every stolen moment was priceless, precious, treasured. So much so that he sighed when the agents gave the all clear. He didn”t want this to end. Not yet. It felt too soon. It would always feel too soon.
“You guys go on ahead. You have to get ready for bed. I”ll be in shortly.” Theo tightened the link between them, his pinky cinching around Connor’s as the kids glanced between the two of them before taking off into the house. The bickering over the bathroom that normally irritated him simply tugged at his heartstrings for how much he missed that normalcy.
The agents, sensing the heavily laden tension between Connor and Theo, made their excuses and disappeared to their posts. They’d work in shifts to keep the house under their hawkish gaze throughout the night. Connor secretly thanked them as they pushed the button to close the garage door on their way out to resume their rounds. Once the door clattered into position, they were alone again, bathed in the artificial light of the naked bulb swaying slowly from where it hung on the ceiling.
“Tonight was something,” Connor broke the silence that threatened to tip into awkward tension.
“It”s always something.” Theo turned toward him, their pinkies still linked. “I”m looking forward to a time when there isn”t something.”
He could relate to that on every level. Reaching up, he gave into the urge to run the knuckles of his free hand over the curve of Theo’s cheek. Rough stubble and warm skin became a balm that he would never get enough of. Even more so as Theo leaned into the touch with a contented sigh, his eyelids fluttering closed.
“I miss you so damn much, Teddy.” Connor whispered the words without thought.
“I miss you too, Con.” Theo lifted his eyelids and the heartache and pain and hesitation in his gaze made his hazel eyes glassy in the harsh light.
“Mayhaps, if you want—”
“Do you want to come in—”
They both stopped mid sentence and chuckled, the sound quiet and breathy to preserve the serenity of their stolen moment in the garage. Connor dipped his head lower so that Theo could continue.
“I just wondered if you wanted to… I don”t know. Come in for a cup of tea? We could talk.” Theo’s shoulders bobbed just once. Connor felt the movement in their linked fingers.
The smile that spread over Connor’s face was the first easy smile he”d managed all night. “I reckon I”d like that a whole lot, Teddy.”
Theo searched Connor”s face and then burst into a laugh, deep, throaty, and unrestrained. His free hand lifted to brush the glittering teardrops from his lashes.
“We’re ridiculous.”
“Yeah, we are. Always have been. Always will be.” Connor stepped closer, cupping Theo’s cheek in his palm. “And I wouldn”t have it any other way.”
He pressed his lips to Theo’s forehead in a kiss and lingered there, inhaling the unique scent of him that would be forever ingrained in his memory. If he could just hold onto these small moments, it would ease the pain of their separation enough to keep him going. These moments made all the work, all the soul searching, all the time apart, worth it. He believed in his heart of hearts that they”d find a way back together. One step at a time. One breath at a time. One precious stolen moment at a time.