Herald the Night

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Seventy-two hours and counting. That was how long it had been since Theo and the kids had been spirited away in a black SUV to Lord knows where. Seventy-two long, awful, physically agonizing hours. Connor couldn”t sleep. He could barely eat. His ability to focus was gone. His patience had long disappeared. All he could manage was pacing, worrying, and preparing for an invisible enemy. Everyone around him stayed out of his way. He was thankful for it, if only because he had little control over his rising anger.

Exercise was the only way he had to channel his excess energy. He did push-ups till his arms gave out. He regularly lost count of his sit-ups. The only thing that made him stop was the need to rush to the bathroom before he vomited all over the floor of the Gendry’s basement. He’d clean himself up, grab a bottle of water, and hit the pavement till his legs burned and sweat coated his skin. He lay on the sidewalk staring at the sky until he could catch his breath before climbing back onto shaky legs to begin the arduous jog home.

It was after midnight when he dragged himself up the front stairs of Luke’s home. He tried to keep quiet as he slipped into the entryway, but his body had reached its breaking point. Boneless legs crumpled under his weight and he hit the floor with a loud grunt, taking a coat rack with him as collateral damage to his self-destructive ways. Without the will to do anything about it, he rolled onto his back and went still. The white plaster ceiling swirled and shifted in front of his unfocused eyes, darkening at the edges before gradually taking on a new color.

Luke’s pissed face swam into focus after a while. Connor grunted in greeting before letting his eyelids slip closed. He didn”t have the bandwidth to deal with the man’s stubborn midwestern charm. If he kept his eyes closed long enough, there was a good chance the man would move along. After all, Texan grit could outlast anyone. Or at least he hoped it could.

“On your feet, soldier.” Luke barked the words with all the force of a drill sergeant. Connor sighed and draped his arm over his eyes.

“Get. Up.” Luke nudged his side with his socked foot. “Now.”

“All due respect, Luke, but I”m gonna need ye t’fuck right off.”

“Yeah, that”s not happening, asshole.” Luke’s hands slid under Connor’s shoulders and then hooked under his armpits. “Get the fuck up, you overdramatic fool. Enough is enough.”

Connor grumbled and complained the entire time Luke hauled him off the floor and swore under his breath as the world took a sharp right turn without him. The collateral damage coat rack became a tripping hazard and if it weren”t for the sudden appearance of a wall he didn”t remember being there, he would have found himself on his ass again. If he had the capacity to feel embarrassed, he would have been mortified. As it turned out, he didn”t have the capacity to feel much outside of numb, all-consuming rage.

“I”m up. Leave me alone now.” Connor shifted until his back was against the wall, again turning his eyes to the ceiling with a heavy exhale.

“You had your moment, you”re welcome. Now we”re done with this.” Luke gripped his bicep and yanked him further down the hall. “You”re going to eat, shower, and fucking sleep.”

“Luke, I ain”t Taz. I don”t do the ‘yes, Daddy’ bullshit. No offense, no judgment, you do you, but that shit ain”t me.” Connor stumbled after the man, trying to shake loose from his grip to no avail.

“You”re lucky I like you but not like that. I”d tan your hide so fast, your head would spin.” Luke jerked a chair out from under the table and shoved Connor into it. “I”m doing this because you”re having a God damn existential crisis and I”m not gonna sit here and watch you kill yourself with it.”

“Screw you, I ain’t tryna—”

“Shut up and listen.” Luke scowled at him over the refrigerator door as he yanked it open, pausing long enough to bend over and look inside. Once he reappeared, his tirade continued. “There are lots of ways to punish yourself. Cool, you stopped drinking. You got help. But we aren”t out of the woods yet, soldier. Replacing alcohol with obsessive exercise is just as bad. Not eating? Not sleeping? When”s the last time you even showered?”

Connor opened his mouth to deny it, but he couldn”t voice the lie. Luke was right. It hurt to admit it, but his friend was one hundred percent right. A plastic storage container bounced across the table and hit his chest with a dull thud. Chastened and angry at himself, he set it straight and popped the lid open.

“Here,” Luke snapped, adding a water bottle to the table with more force than was necessary. “I”m not leaving till it”s all gone.”

Connor scowled, but there was little emotion behind it as he grabbed a piece of cold fried chicken out of the container. Once he stopped being angry at the world for two whole seconds, his appetite pounced with vigor. Half the drumstick was gone in one massive bite. He barely chewed it before sinking his teeth into the remaining half with another soft grunt.

They had a silent staring match as Connor ate another piece of chicken. It continued as he drained half the water bottle. He pushed the container away and was met with a slowly arching eyebrow and a squint. Narrowing his eyes in response, he plucked a third piece of chicken from the container and brought it to his lips. Honestly, it was starting to get weird and he couldn”t stop himself as a chuckle bubbled up from his chest.

“What in the actual fuck is happening right now? My dick is getting really confused and it”s making me uncomfortable.” Taz’ voice from the doorway startled them out of their bizarre stand-off. Luke’s laughter joined the continuation of Connor’s chuckle, echoing around the dimly-lit kitchen.

“No, seriously. There”s meat and intense eye contact and sweat-stink and silence and it feels like a weird sex game. This is peak homo-jock foreplay and I don”t like it.” Taz crossed the room and looped his arms around Luke’s waist before hissing at Connor. “I licked it. It”s mine. Back off, Neanderthal.”

Connor laughed before dissolving into a coughing fit as a piece of chicken hit the back of his throat. His eyes were watering by the time he managed to compose himself enough to take a full breath.

“Good Lord,” he gasped once he was no longer at risk of choking. “You”re man’s safe with me, T. I have a type, and he ain”t it.”

“You can never be too safe.” Taz wriggled closer to his boyfriend, fitting against his side with a smug smile on his face. “I”m a possessive dick. We all know this.”

“Mn, accurate. I mean… you know I”m the same.” Connor shrugged and eyed his third piece of chicken before taking a strategic bite. When he continued talking, it was with his mouth full. “I were ready to hit you with my car at one point. Fair’s fair.”

“I”m surrounded by insane people. How did this become my life?” Luke bent down and pressed a kiss to Taz’ cheek. “At ease, Scrappy. My virtue is safe here.”

Taz smiled a smile that would give the devil a run for his money. “I know. Two toppy motherfuckers in the same bed would never work. I”m just being an asshole.”

Connor felt heat rise in his cheeks and silently thanked the fact that the room was dim. He wasn”t about to admit he’d been considering asking his partner if he”d ever consider switching it up in bed. Especially when he hadn”t even posed the question out loud to his partner. Unfortunately for him, Taz and Luke were both far too keen-eyed. Freaking FBI agents.

“Oh, shit. He”s blushing… ha!” Taz cackled with glee. “Big Bad Marine Boy, got something you”d like to share with the class?”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake. Leave him alone, Timothy.” Luke gave Taz a gentle shove.

“Never. He’s made my life miserable. Payback’s a bitch. It”s not like I didn”t already know Theo was a little bit vers.” Taz prowled toward the table and slid into the chair beside Connor. Connor tried to become one with his own seat. The heat in his face intensified.

“Quit. I ain”t talking about this with y’all.” Connor attacked the chicken in his hand with gusto.

“Sorry, Princess. You are.” Taz bumped Connor’s shoulder just as he was going to take another bite. The damp smack of the drumstick against his cheek made him shudder and abandon his efforts. “And good for you. Theo’s a good top. Luke’s better, but A for effort, definitely. I don”t top at all. Tried it, hated it. We made it work.”

“Christ, man. I dunno how he put up with you for so long.” Connor narrowed his eyes at Taz with a faint scowl. “This is weird. This conversation shouldn”t be happening.”

“Both of you stop. I have to agree… it”s weird.” Luke pulled out a chair across from them with a smirk. “It was weird the first time we had it, and it”s even worse with Connor in the mix. The less I know, the better.”

“Bullshit, you”re the one who asked me about my relationship with Theo in the first place.” Taz flipped Luke off and settled deeper into the chair.

“Yes, but… it”s different. Connor should be having this discussion with Theo. Not us. Let the man eat.” Luke pushed the container back across the table.

Despite himself, Connor”s morbid curiosity was piqued. He studied his chicken and softly cleared his throat. “He, uh… Theo enjoyed it?”

Taz poked his tongue out at Luke in typical brat form and turned fully toward Connor. He refused to make eye contact and settled for the man speaking at his profile. “He did, but I”ll be honest, he prefers bottoming. That”s why I called him a littlebit vers. Full transparency, we mostly fooled around with stuff outside of traditional penetrative sex for that reason. It worked for us, obviously. Anything can work with communication. We were both basically virgins when we got together. A little fooling around before but for the most part… lots of trial and error.”

Connor stole a glance at Taz and returned to scrutinizing his chicken. He took a small nibble and mulled over his thoughts as he chewed it to smithereens. Eventually, he gave voice to his thoughts. “I ain”t never switched before. Kinda wanna try it, I reckon.”

“Have you discussed it with him?” Luke studied him from across the table with an unrevealing expression.

“Nah. Timing ain”t been right. I were working up to it.” Connor tossed his food onto the lid and reached for the water bottle instead. “I figured from what y’all have said that, uh… it were something that he liked but he ain”t never mentioned it before, so I just let it alone.”

“It”s Theo. Of course he didn”t mention it. You have to pull shit out of him like pulling teeth.” Taz rolled his eyes with a smirk. “I kept dragging him out for fish and chips at this shit shack of a convenience store. It took him two years to admit he didn”t actually like fish. I just thought he was swapping his fish for my fries to be nice.”

Connor burst into laughter over the story. It perfectly described his boyfriend. He shook his head and passed a palm over his mouth to wipe away the grease from his meal. “Sounds about right. My Mama made chili for us when we visited and he choked down half of it before he had to excuse himself from the table. Turns out spicy ranks about as high as fish does on his list, but damned if he’d say anything about it.”

Luke propped his elbows on the table with a subtle smirk of a grin playing over his features. “And what did we take away from this lesson, son?”

“Yeah, yeah. Talk about it. And then talk some more.” Connor’s mood took a downturn as he pursed his lips. “Wish I knew where he was. Even just a phone call would be enough at this point. M’going crazy.”

“Considering you lost a wrestling match with our coat rack, I”d posit ‘crazy’ is an understatement.” Luke arched his brow at Connor again. “Are we done with the self-destruction at least?”

A smile tugged at the corner of Connor”s mouth as he flipped Luke off. “Message received, Sarge.”

“Good. Great talk. Glad we got that all cleared up. Now shower because you really do fucking stink, man.” Taz once again bumped his shoulder into Connor’s. “If you fall apart on our watch, Theo”ll infect all my systems with malware and I don”t have any desire to deal with that bullshit.”

Taz escaped with a bounce in his step, something Connor only got glimpses of when he spent time with them away from their group. The troubled man reminded him so much of his Theo, especially when he got a behind the scenes look at the authentic Taz without his caustic mask in place. Theo was much the same. His grouchy exterior was for the benefit of self-preservation, but underneath he was soft, sweet, surprisingly lively, and so damn earnest it made Connor weak in the knees. He sighed despite himself as the ache of longing settled in his core again.

“This isn”t forever, Connor. I know it”s hard. I”d probably be even more of a mess than you are right now if the roles were reversed. Just keep your eye on the prize, yeah?” Luke slid from his chair and met Connor halfway as he did the same.

He was genuinely grateful for the tough love and the quiet understanding of his friend. He went willingly into the back-slapping hug that Luke pulled him into and murmured his appreciation as they parted. He’d slipped into old, unhealthy habits in the face of the depression that likely wouldn”t go away any time soon, but Luke had thrown him a lifeline and he made sure the man knew just how grateful he was for it.

They parted ways in the kitchen after Connor cleaned up from his meal and grabbed a second bottle of water from the fridge. He’d take a shower and try to sleep, even if the results weren”t excellent. He had to keep trying, not just for Theo and his friends, but for himself too. It was too easy to slip backward, as evidenced by his behavior over the last seventy-two hours. And slipping backwards would be the worst thing that could happen. Not when he had so much to look forward to in his future. Luke was right—this wouldn”t last forever. On the other side lay the promise of more. Friends, family, maybe even growing their family. He let hope for the future become the scaffold for his tenuous grasp on a more optimistic outlook and tried not to let the loneliness and fear push him into the trap of darker thoughts. Without hope, it would be too easy to let his thoughts become the herald of the dark night of his soul.