Chapter 14
Fourteen
S age couldn’t look at Jackson without thinking about their kiss from last night. As she walked hand in hand with Willow along the short section of beach toward the steamboat, she kept her gaze from straying to him. He’d already boarded and was standing on the top deck next to the pilot house and Jonas, the captain of the steamboat.
Jackson was studying a new whistle that Jonas had installed, as engrossed in the new device as he was everything that fascinated him. He was probably trying to figure out how it worked, as curious as always, his mind busy, his thoughts preoccupied.
She was glad he was distracted so that she didn’t have to face the full effect of his intense gaze as she drew near.
Besides, she’d wanted to focus on Willow and the little time they had left. They’d lingered in bed in the early morning hours because Willow had been sleepier than usual now that she was with child. They’d whispered and laughed and cried together about everything. They’d also plotted and planned for how they could save more money to send home to their family. Between the two of them, they might have enough to pay for two ship passages. But they weren’t sure if they should split up the rest of the family or wait until they had enough to send for everyone all at once.
Finally, they got up and made breakfast for the men, who’d already awoken and were doing chores. Even though Willow seemed more tired than usual, she was decidedly healthier than she’d ever been in Manchester, her breathing issues all but gone, only surfacing on rare occasions.
Sage hadn’t told Willow about the kiss with Jackson. Since it was so new and so delicious, she hadn’t been quite ready to talk about it, had wanted to tuck it away and remember it at her own pleasure.
And pleasure it had been.
Sage lifted her free hand and fanned her face, warmth pulsing into her cheeks just thinking about having Jackson’s mouth on hers. The first soft kiss had been only an introduction, as if he’d opened the door and invited her in. When she’d stepped over the threshold, he’d ushered her in fully with the next kiss, enveloping her with a passion she’d never experienced before.
His hands had set her body on fire and his mouth had incinerated her, leaving only smoldering ashes behind…and a heat that still glowed deep inside. Even now, that heat pulsed in her blood, sending remnants throughout her, making her fingers and toes tingle with the need to kiss him again.
She would kiss him again, wouldn’t she? Now that she’d experienced his passion, she couldn’t deny that she wanted to have it more. Preferably soon. Was that wanton of her?
She’d never had such a strong experience with David. Yes, they had exchanged kisses once in a while, especially after they were engaged. But the kisses hadn’t evoked anything inside her, mostly had been perfunctory. They’d been nothing like the one she’d shared with Jackson. Not even in the same hemisphere.
Expelling a taut breath, she halted beside Willow near the dock.
Willow’s brows lifted to reveal sparkling eyes. “You’re thinking about your kiss with Jackson last night, aren’t you?”
Of course Willow already knew. She’d probably learned of it from Caleb.
“Hush now.” Sage glanced at Jackson still tinkering with the whistle on the steamboat a dozen paces away.
“You can’t deny,” Willow whispered with a mischievous smile. “Caleb told me he walked in on the two of you kissing very passionately.”
Sage pivoted swiftly and cupped a hand over Willow’s mouth.
Behind the gag, Willow’s laughter was muffled.
Sage leveled a stern look at her sister. “Don’t say another word about it.”
Willow mumbled something that sounded like, “I know you like him, and it’s obvious he loves you.”
Loves? Sage couldn’t hold back a soft snort. Jackson was attracted to her, but that didn’t mean he loved her. “It doesn’t matter. I’m not ready to be in another relationship.”
Willow broke free from Sage’s hold. “Learn from me and don’t push him away.”
Sage had enjoyed getting to hear all the details about Willow’s love for Caleb and could see that her younger sister had indeed learned a lot over the past year about love. Even so, Jackson was different.
Willow’s smile faded, replaced by seriousness. “Listen, Sage. You don’t have to be perfect to be ready for Jackson. And your life doesn’t have to be perfect to have a relationship.”
“I know I’m not perfect and never will be.” Maybe she’d once thought she could reach a certain standard of perfection in order to attain the perfect life, but she’d given up that aspiration. “I’m actually a failure.”
“That’s just it.” Willow pressed a hand to Sage’s cheek, warmth and love in her eyes. “You may have failed at one relationship, but that doesn’t mean you are a failure and that you should punish yourself for the imperfections.”
“I’m not punishing myself.” But was she?
“Sometimes God works best when we’re imperfect. As our reverend likes to say, ‘His strength is made perfect in weakness.’ We just have to jump into a relationship with all our imperfections and pray that God would step in and be our strength through our weaknesses.”
Sage didn’t quite know how to respond. She’d always been the one giving out advice over the years to her sister. How had their roles reversed? In some ways, it just showed again how much Sage had failed to be everything she’d aspired to be.
Sage wasn’t ready to leave Willow behind, not after just being reunited. But with Jonas wanting to make the trip to return in time for the local church service, she didn’t linger any longer. She waved at Caleb, who was standing a distance back, giving her and Willow privacy for their goodbye. Then she hugged Willow tightly before boarding.
When the steamboat chugged away from the island toward the south, she stood at the deck and watched Caleb cross to Willow and slip his arm around her. Neither Caleb nor Willow was perfect, but they’d made a happy marriage anyway. Was it possible that even though she was imperfect, she could do the same? That she could rely on God to be her strength during her weaknesses?
As the steamer veered out of sight of the island, she waved a last time. Then she turned back to the deck, hoping to find Jackson nearby. But he was nowhere in sight. Either he was still caught up in analyzing the whistle or some other part of the steamer, or he was avoiding her.
She’d thought she’d been the one staying away from him so far this morning, but maybe he was also doing the same. Was he embarrassed about the kiss? He hadn’t seemed so last night. In fact, he’d seemed to relish every moment, had even seemed reluctant to let go of her after Caleb interrupted them.
Maybe he was as confused about everything as she was. He’d never made mention of wanting a relationship with her, never hinted at a future, never suggested there could be more between them.
But with as ardently as he paid her attention, was he wondering what the next step was for them? Was there a next step? After all, she was a poor lady’s maid, and he was a wealthy gentleman.
So far, except for the initial rebuff that first night at dinner, their class differences hadn’t seemed to matter to him—although she wasn’t entirely sure. He’d also seemed to want more in their relationship than simple friendship. Surely he wouldn’t have kissed her the way he had last night if that weren’t true.
With a man like Jackson, she didn’t feel comfortable bringing up the relationship issue, and she decided to wait for him to initiate a conversation about the kiss. By the time the steamboat reached Victoria a short while later, and she still hadn’t seen or talked to Jackson, a strange anxiety gripped her chest.
They disembarked on the wharf in James Bay, thanked Jonas, and began to walk back to Fairview. With the Sunday morning bright and sunny and containing a hint of warmth, it was turning out to be a lovely day. If only Jackson would say something—anything—to diffuse the growing tension.
As she strolled beside him, she tried not to keep glancing his way. He’d slung a grain sack of items from Caleb and Willow over his shoulder—mainly produce from their garden to give to Gustave. After a second morning without shaving, the stubble on his jaw was even darker, making him more broody-looking than usual.
By the time they reached Fairview’s front gate, she was almost desperate for him to speak, and her stomach was in knots.
When they stood before the door, Jackson paused. “I apologize if I overstepped myself last evening in the barn.”
She let herself take a full breath, relieved he was finally bringing up the matter even if he was staring at the door and avoiding her gaze. “You don’t need to apologize.”
“I do.” He fiddled with the door handle but didn’t open it. “I shouldn’t have kissed you in the first place. Then I was remiss in getting carried away.”
He was apologizing for kissing her? She shouldn’t have kissed him either. They were from two different worlds, going two different directions. Just because they’d felt some attraction to each other didn’t mean they should have acted upon it.
Besides, Willow had been wrong to suggest that Jackson loved her. What did Willow know after seeing Jackson for less than twenty-four hours?
“Please forgive me,” Jackson persisted softly.
“There’s nothing to forgive.” An ache settled in her heart, one that felt an awful lot like what she’d experienced with David. “We got caught up in the moment. It was a mistake, and we won’t let it happen again.”
“It was a mistake?” His gun-metal blue eyes regarded her almost as if he was surprised by her statement.
It had been a mistake, hadn’t it? Wasn’t that what he’d implied by apologizing? “It won’t—it can’t lead anywhere.” Embarrassment flooded her as she spoke the bold words. She needed him to know she wasn’t the type of woman who would ever consider illicit relations. She didn’t think he was that kind of man either. Nevertheless, she had to make that clear.
He sighed heavily. “You’re right. I am unable to offer anything, and I shan’t make promises that I cannot keep.”
The ache inside her heart swelled. What had she expected? That he’d contradict her and tell her that he wanted more? That they’d go slow and work things out? That they’d overcome all the obstacles to find a life together?
After what Willow had said about not pushing Jackson away, Sage could admit that secretly and for half a minute she’d entertained the idea of having a relationship with him. But that wasn’t what he was thinking in return. He didn’t want anything with her. And he obviously didn’t want to disrespect her by pursuing a short-term dalliance.
She stiffened her shoulders against the turmoil rolling through her, the feelings reminding her again of all she’d gone through with David. She didn’t want to experience that kind of rejection again. Once had been enough. That was one reason why she’d resolved herself to being a spinster, because the endless ache in her chest was too much to endure.
She was better off staying away from relationships altogether and focusing on being a good lady’s maid.
“I suggest we forget the kiss ever happened.” She scanned the wide street lined with the finest homes in Victoria, all of them with sprawling yards and lovely landscaping. Although no one else was out on the street at the Sunday morning hour, the conversation was still mortifying, and she didn’t want anyone to hear it. She just prayed Augusta was away at church and hadn’t been listening to them from inside the house.
Jackson stared down at the front stoop, his jaw flexing. His back was rigid, and he seemed to be fighting a battle within himself.
Could he really forget their kiss? She never would, not as long as she lived. But she would never admit that.
After a moment, he nodded. “I shall try to do as you have suggested.” With that, he turned back to the door and opened it. He waved her to go ahead of him as any polite gentleman would do.
More rejection knocked against her heart, but she tried to ignore it, held her chin high, and stepped forward.
He focused inside the house until she was adjacent to him. Then his gaze dropped to her face and to her lips for the briefest of moments.
As much as she wanted to deny their kiss, the memory flashed into her mind unbidden and unfiltered, taking her right back to the moment his mouth had crushed hers with a power that had swept her away.
But she forced herself to not look at his lips in return, forced her feet to keep moving, and forced herself to walk past him. Even though Willow had warned her not to push Jackson to arm’s length, that’s exactly what she needed to do. It was the only way to survive being around him.
He obviously had his reasons for holding her at arm’s length too. Certainly, he’d shown that he desired her. But desire wasn’t enough to build a relationship.
As he closed the door, she untied the silk ribbon under her chin and lifted the hat from her head. The silence of the home indicated Augusta had gone to church.
Sage hung her hat on the coat-tree just as the servants’ door at the long end of the hallway burst open and Gustave rushed out.
“There you are, Monsieur.” The cook’s orange-red hair sprang out in curls around his plump face, which was also a shade of splotchy red. His rounded stomach heaved up and down, and he was breathing hard, as if he’d run all the way up from the kitchen in record time.
Jackson didn’t seem to notice the cook, was already stalking toward his study, clearly wanting to escape from her or from whatever turmoil was going on between them.
“Something has happened to Miss Lennox,” Gustave managed between gasps.
Sage slipped out of her cloak, alarm racing through her. What if that’s why Augusta had stayed abed the morning they’d left?—because she’d been ill and hadn’t wanted to alert them.
Jackson halted and gave the cook his attention.
“What is it, Gustave?” Sage asked. “Is she sick?”
“No, she’s gone. She’s been kidnapped.”