36. The Bottom
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
THE BOTTOM
Julian
I tell myself I’m fine.
I tell myself I’ll get over it, just like I did when we were eighteen.
I remind myself of all the reasons Kai needed space, and why he probably isn’t ready to come back—not to me, not to us.
But fuck, it’s been over a month since I last saw him.
I can’t stop reaching for my phone—like muscle memory, my thumb hovers over his contact. The texts are still there. I haven’t deleted them. I scroll up, staring at the ridiculous things I’ve sent him.
(Tuesday, 6:42 AM): Morning. Hitting the gym at 7 if you want to come.
(Friday, 8:15 AM): I can spot you if you need it. Sophie’s busy with the shop today.
(last Saturday, 10:04 AM): You good? Haven’t seen you around the gym.
(two Mondays ago): Had a craving for some Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, and happened to stop by the petrol station near you. Are you home?
Or perhaps I can entice you with an entire pan of cinnamon rolls?
No response, but they’re all marked as read.
There’s a part of me that wants to say fuck it —to stop texting him altogether. I could blame pride, or maybe the ache that forms in my chest every time his silence stretches on too long.
But I can’t let it go—not this time.
Sophie catches me one morning halfway through typing out another text to him. She pauses by the kettle, watching me with those bright, blue eyes.
“Julian.”
I glance up, feigning innocence. “Morning, pet.”
Her gaze drops to my phone, and I swear it’s like she can see through the screen. “You’re texting him again, aren’t you?”
I shrug, locking the screen as if that somehow erases the evidence. “He’s probably just busy.”
She steps closer, leaning against the counter, her eyes softening. “You know he’s not.”
I don’t respond, because I know she’s right.
I see it in her too, the way she lingers in rooms where his absence is most obvious, the way she glances at the front door after long days, as if expecting him to walk in unannounced.
We’ve built a solid life together. But this? It feels like we’re both venturing into uncharted territory, trying to figure our way through something neither of us is familiar with.
Sophie’s voice cuts through the silence. “Maybe we just need to give him more time.”
I nod, even though I know time isn’t the solution.
Time is the enemy.
Time drags.
The gym is quieter than usual this Saturday afternoon, but the weight pressing down on me has nothing to do with the barbell.
I’ve become an expert at staying busy—early workouts, house projects, helping Sophie with the bookstore, closing deals. Anything to distract me from the ache that hasn’t left since Kai walked away.
Seventeen years ago, I could dismiss it—convince myself I wasn’t that into him, that I imagined the pull between us or the growing feelings I’d been containing for years. But now? I’ve had him. I’ve felt what it’s like to share him with Sophie, to touch him, kiss him, envision something more. Losing him this time stings in a way that feels permanent.
Keeping busy helps. Making love to Sophie helps. But the sadness in her eyes mirrors my own. Neither of us knows how to untangle the mess he left behind.
Sophie hasn’t seen him much either, buried in preparations for the shop’s grand opening. But she misses him. I can see it in the way her gaze lingers on empty spaces he used to occupy, in the soft sighs she thinks I don’t notice. It’s the same way I miss him, like I’m missing a part of myself I didn’t realize I needed.
I thought I was lucky when he came back into my life. Losing him twice feels unbearable.
And yet, there’s that voice, the one that urges me to let him go. To stop before I risk unraveling everything Sophie and I have built.
I love my wife. That will never change. But I wonder if there’s a limit to how much love I can give, if loving Kai means taking something away from her. If this desire I can’t seem to shake is dangerous, threatening the foundation Sophie and I have spent years fortifying.
I’ve resisted the pull of Malakai Ravage for almost two decades. I tell myself I can’t risk losing Sophie—not even for him.
But maybe it’s already too late.
This morning, Sophie cried after sex, trembling in my arms as she admitted how much she misses him. And I know. I feel it too.
We’re not just afraid of losing him. We’re terrified that, somewhere along the way, we already have.
I finish my last set, catching my reflection in the gym mirror. The weight of the last month is carved into my posture, the worry etched deep in my face.
Sophie and I will always be solid, that much I know. But without Kai… the life we’re building feels incomplete.
He’s not like the others. The men Sophie’s met before were fleeting—forgotten by morning, no strings attached, never to be thought of again.
But Kai fits. With Sophie. With me.
And the thought that he might be the only one who can complete us, that we might never find this balance again, fucking terrifies me.
I need to get him back.
I just don’t know how.
As if the universe is answering my siren call, I catch sight of Kai on the other side of the gym in the mirror. He’s at the leg press, wearing joggers and a fitted T-shirt.
I stop breathing, and my pulse speeds up. Everything feels hot, and I can feel my neck flushing at the sight of him. Of course he looks good—better than I remember. His muscled arms grip the sides of the chair as he pushes his legs against the flat platform. His brows are scrunched in concentration.
He hasn’t seen me yet. I could walk away—leave him be.
But I don’t.
His gaze shifts in the mirror, locking on mine.
Shit.
I see the flicker of recognition, the tension that hardens his posture. He doesn’t smile. Doesn’t wave. He just watches me, unreadable as ever.
I wait for him to make the first move, but he doesn’t.
Of course he doesn’t.
Grabbing my things, I slowly walk over to the leg press. He finishes as I walk over, swinging his legs over. I attempt to avert my gaze from the way his abdominal muscles poke through the thin T-shirt, or how good he looks with a bit of heavy scruff. His hair is longer, too, and I’m finding that I very much enjoy this version of him.
His eyes slide up and down my body, too, and it sends a shiver through me.
“Hey,” I say, standing awkwardly a few feet away.
“Hey,” he answers. His face is blank, neither happy to see me, nor upset.
His gaze lingers on me for a long minute before he tilts his head slightly, as if he’s come to some sort of conclusion in his mind. The air between us feels charged, like it always does.
But even more so now because it’s been so long since we’ve seen each other.
The tension stretches between us like a taut wire.
Kai wipes his face with his shirt, the flash of his abs making my breath hitch. He doesn’t seem to notice, or if he does, he doesn’t acknowledge it.
“Didn’t think I’d see you here,” I try again.
He shrugs. “Needed a change of scenery.”
He’s about to stand, but something in me cracks.
“Wait.”
I wince at how ridiculous I sound. My fingers tighten around my gym bag, and Kai notices. His eyes narrow slightly.
“I know I messed up. I know we should’ve made our feelings for you more clear,” I start, gripping the towel across my neck like it’s suddenly the most interesting thing in the world. “We didn’t check in with you, and that’s on us. But I…”
Kai’s eyes flick up lazily from the bench press, pinning me in place without saying a word.
It’s infuriating how much ground he gains just by existing.
I roll my shoulders back, squaring them under his gaze. “I’ve been thinking about you,” I continue, voice rougher than I intended. “A lot. More than is probably healthy for a grown man.”
Kai leans against the weight rack, crossing his arms. I can see the muscles shift beneath his shirt, annoyingly distracting, but I stay focused.
“And?” he prompts, like he’s flipping through a boring magazine.
I exhale through my nose, my jaw tightening. This is already going spectacularly.
“And I miss you,” I admit. The words come out gruff, like they’re being dragged kicking and screaming. “There. Happy?”
Kai’s face doesn’t move, his gaze steady and unwavering.
“You don’t seem like the flowers-and-apology-card type,” I add, scrubbing the back of my neck. “So I skipped the bouquet.”
That gets me one raised brow. Progress, I suppose.
“You sure about that, Julian?” His voice drops lower, deliberate.
I nod, stepping closer. “Yeah. I’m sure.”
His gaze drifts over me, slow and deliberate. I know the look. It’s the same one he gave me that first night with Sophie. Except this time, he’s letting me sweat.
I sigh, letting the towel drop around my shoulders. “Listen,” I say, dropping my tone a notch. “I’m not great at this, feelings and all that. Let’s blame the ADHD, but it’s probably just because I’m kind of an arsehole, okay? So if you’re waiting for me to get down on one knee and deliver some long, heartfelt monologue, you’ll be sorely disappointed. My ego can’t take that hit.”
Kai’s lips twitch at the corner, but he doesn’t give me the satisfaction of a full smile.
I narrow my eyes. “See, that’s the problem right there. You love this, don’t you?”
“Love what?” he replies smoothly.
“Watching me grovel.”
“Maybe,” he says, and his voice is a little too casual.
I huff out a dry laugh, shaking my head. “Jesus Christ.”
For a second, neither of us says anything. The weight of the last month lingers between us, heavier than the barbell resting on the rack.
When I finally look at him, there’s no humor left in my voice.
“I do mean it,” I say quietly. “I miss you, Kai. Sophie does too. This thing without you—” I gesture vaguely. “It’s not working. We’re not working. And I know I handled it poorly. I should’ve gone after you. I should’ve called. Something. Truth be told, I wanted to give you space. And I’m here now, feeling like a complete fucking fool. So if you want to make me sweat a little longer, fine. But just… don’t walk away again.”
Kai’s eyes tighten, and I catch it—brief, but there.
“I should make you sweat,” he says, though his voice lacks conviction. “I’d pay to see more of this horrible groveling.”
I step closer, just enough to invade his space. He doesn’t move away.
“You won’t,” I counter smoothly.
Kai studies me for a beat longer, then sighs, running his tongue across the inside of his cheek.
“Locker room,” he mutters, already turning toward the door.
I smirk as I follow him.
“Should I have brought champagne?” I tease under my breath.
“Shut up, Julian.”
“Just trying to set the mood,” I mutter, not bothering to hide the grin tugging at my lips.
I follow Kai into the locker room without hesitation.
He doesn’t look back, but I know he knows I’m there. The door swings shut behind us with a soft thud, locking out the world behind it.
Kai walks over to a set of lockers a few feet away, his movements unhurried. Deliberate.
I stay by the entrance for a beat too long, the weight in my chest pressing heavier with every step he takes away from me.
Like he might vanish if I get too close.
“Julian.” His voice pulls me from the spiral. Calm, but threaded with something I can’t quite place. “Are you just going to stand there and hope I’ll strip for your benefit?”
The dryness in his tone coaxes a faint huff of laughter out of me. “Would it work?” I shoot back, moving toward him at last.
Kai’s mouth twitches. “You’re a menace.”
His old nickname for me makes me grin. He’d used it once in front of Sophie, but that word pulls me right back to when we were teenagers. His teasing smirk, the way he’d shove my shoulder whenever I acted out.
I miss that, our old closeness.
I fucking miss him.
When I stop a few feet away, the shift in the air is palpable, like standing at the edge of something vast.
The smile drops off my face and I clear my throat, tugging my towel tighter over my shoulder. “We really should talk.”
Kai leans against the locker, crossing his arms in that casual way that somehow feels anything but relaxed.
“About what?” His gaze flicks over me, unreadable. “Words don’t mean much, do they? It’s actions that count, Julian. At least, that’s what I’m learning about all this.”
The weight behind his words lands square in my chest.
He’s not being cold, just honest. Which somehow cuts deeper.
I rub the back of my neck, suddenly unsure of what to do with my hands. “I didn’t know what to say. I let you go. We let you go. I messed up. I know that now,” I say quietly.
Kai lifts a brow. “I’d say that’s accurate.”
The corner of my mouth pulls into a half smile, even if it feels a little out of place. He’s one hundred percent loving that I’m groveling.
That thought sends a swarm of something light and warm through me, and for a second—only a second—it gives me hope that we haven’t lost him forever.
“Right. Straight to the point, then.”
His eyes sharpen, narrowing just slightly as he steps closer.
“I’m serious, Julian.” His voice dips lower, each word deliberate. “You told me this was just payback. How am I supposed to know it’s not still that?”
I swallow, hard. “It wasn’t. It’s not.” His silence stretches between us. “I think about you every day,” I admit, the words rough around the edges. “Every damn day. Seventeen years, and nothing’s changed.”
Kai stays rooted, jaw tight, but I catch the flicker in his expression—the part of him that wants to believe me.
I take another step closer, filling the space between us.
He stays rooted, jaw tightening, but I swear I can feel the emotions radiating from him.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him earnestly. “For everything. For not knowing how to handle this. I’ve never…” I swallow, running a hand over my mouth. Kai’s eyes track the movement. “I didn’t know how to make room for… you.”
I pause, the words catching in my throat as a realization strikes me. Maybe it’s not about the sharing that’s been hard—it never really was. It’s the change. I’ve always thrived on the thrill of orchestrating something new, the high of control, the rush of it. But this—this is different. It’s steady, loving, intimate in ways I hadn’t anticipated.
And for the first time, I can see the beauty in it, the trust that comes with letting someone else in. Of sharing the dominance for once, not because I need to, but because I want to.
I meet Kai’s eyes again, feeling the weight of my own vulnerability in the moment. “I’m learning,” I say quietly, my voice steadier now. “And I want to keep learning—with you.”
His expression wobbles, like he wants to believe me, but something is still holding him back.
I step closer, careful but deliberate, until I’m near enough to feel the tension radiating from him. “You were never payback,” I continue, the words rasping out of me like they cost something. “You matter to me. To Sophie. This—” I gesture between us, and my hand lingers in the space between his chest and mine. “This was never temporary for me. I’m telling you this because I need you. We need you.”
For a long second, he just watches me.
But then he takes a step toward me, closing the distance until I can feel the warmth of his breath on my face.
“How can you be sure of what you want when it changes so quickly?” he murmurs.
His words sting, but I can’t deny the truth they carry. “Because love doesn’t change. You’re not some hobby I want to conquer.” I press my body into his. “You never have been, Kai.”
His eyes search mine, flashing with something I can’t quite name—desire, anger, doubt. Slowly, he reaches up, his fingers brushing the side of my jaw.
“I lied earlier,” he growls. “I did want to hear you grovel a little bit.”
“You’re such a prat,” I murmur, mesmerized by the way his pupils bloom dark.
“I’m learning to account for my worth,” he says, voice serious. “Journaling, talking to a therapist, visiting my brothers more often… I know it wasn’t all you and Sophie. I know I pushed you away. So I’m sorry, too. I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted. But I’m learning. I’m going to try.”
“And what is it that you want?” I ask, voice soft.
“You. Sophie. If I do this, I want all of it,” he starts, voice low and rough and brooking no argument. “There’s no going back for me. I want you and Sophie, and all of us together. I want cinnamon rolls in the morning, and cheesy horror movies on the couch at night. And I want an equal say in this relationship.”
He exhales sharply, his gaze burning into mine.“But I also want this to be real. I don’t just want to be an addition to what you and Sophie already have—I want to build something with both of you. That means time with you, time with her. One-on-one, figuring out what this looks like for us as individuals before we shape it as a whole.”
I nod, something warm unfurling in my chest.He’s right. This isn’t just about fitting him into a space that already exists—it’s about making space for something new.
“Good,” I whisper, hardly able to breathe. “I want all of that, too. And so does Sophie. We’re not going anywhere, Kai.”
But he doesn’t move, his gaze locked on mine, unyielding. “Words aren’t enough, Julian,” he says quietly, but there’s steel in his voice. “You’re going to have to prove it, to show me that this isn’t just about control or convenience for you. That you’re ready to meet me where I need you.”
I swallow hard, his challenge cutting straight through me, but I don’t flinch. Instead, I take a step closer, lowering my gaze deliberately, baring myself to him in a way I never have before. My hands fall to my sides, open and unguarded, as if to say, I’m yours to command.
“Tell me what you need,” I murmur. “I’ll do it. Whatever it takes, Kai. I’m yours. Fully. I’ll prove it as many times as you need me to.”
For a moment, the air between us crackles, charged and heavy, Kai’s sharp gaze searching mine. And then, just when I think he might walk away, his hand grips the back of my neck, pulling me closer, his lips a breath away from mine.
His voice is low, unsteady. “That’s all I needed to hear.”
And then Kai’s mouth crashes against mine, and I stumble back against the lockers from the force of it. His hands grip my hips, pulling me closer. And his lips move against my own with a fervor I’ve never felt before. Like he’s been starved. My hands move up to his shoulders, then they move to his hair. I moan when I run my fingers through his soft strands, and his musky smell is intoxicating. Everything about this makes me feel raw—exposed. Vulnerable. It’s a mix of need and heat and frustration, all rolled into one.
He pulls away just long enough to speak. “Showers.” His voice is a husky growl that sends a shiver down my spine.
I grab his hand and lead him to one of the shower stalls, setting my bag down on the bench. Once he locks it behind him, he turns to face me.
“Turn around,” he commands, looking at me with something dark and primal.
For a second, I hesitate. He’s got the look of someone ready to take charge, and I’ve never done it like this. I’m always the one calling the shots. But then I see the way his chest rises and falls. The way his eyes darken as they hold mine.
And I quickly realize that I want this.
I want him to take control.
Because my surrender is what he needs. He needs to take charge, needs to dominate me. And I have to show him that I’m serious about this—about him—by submitting to him.
Slowly, I turn around, pressing my palms flat against the cool tile of the shower. Behind me, I hear Kai move closer so that his chest is against my back, and when his arm reaches around for the shower lever, I’m suddenly being drenched by warm water.
“This should drown out your moans,” he murmurs, his mouth brushing against my ear.
My T-shirt and shorts stick to my overheated skin, and my cock is so hard that it’s almost painful.
There’s something beautiful in this surrender, I realize. There’s no verbal confirmation of it—nothing is said, or alluded to. Kai just… is. And I suppose he’s always been that way.
I’ve just been too stubborn to see it.
My beautiful, handsome switch.
Behind me, I hear the rustling of fabric and the quiet scrape of his shoes on the tiled floor. My breathing turns ragged as his palm comes to my arse, squeezing it once before he pulls my shorts down to the floor.
Fuck, he’s really doing this.
“I have some coconut oil. In my bag,” I tell him. My voice quivers slightly, and he goes still behind me.
“Coconut oil?” he asks, a bit of amusement in his tone.
My lips tug into a smile. “Yeah. I use it after a shower sometimes. It makes my skin really soft.”
He huffs out a chuckle. “Okay.” I hear him rummaging through my bag, pulling out the bottle of oil. The lid snaps open, and my knees are doing a shit job at holding me up. When he gets closer, I inhale sharply when I feel one of his fingers slide between my arse cheeks.
“You’re shaking,” he murmurs.
I roll my eyes. “Well, yeah. I’ve never bottomed for a guy before.”
Pressing his finger into my arsehole, I arch my back. Fuck, that’s…
Leaning forward, he interrupts my thoughts by kissing my earlobe. “Thank you for letting me be the first.”
“Tit for tat, Ravage. One day I’ll be your first, too.”
“I’d like that,” Kai says, nibbling on the skin just below my ear.
I can’t help but let out a low groan as he curves his finger toward my cock so that he’s pressing against my prostate.
It sends an incredible, electric jolt through me. My cock throbs—and I realize I could very easily come on just his finger.
“Video it,” I rush out on a moan. “For Sophie.”
Kai laughs behind me. “You think our little dove will enjoy watching me ruin your asshole?”
“Fuck,” I hiss. “Yes, I do. I really, really do.”
He steps back, and when I look over my shoulder, he grabs his phone from the bench with his clean hand and taps the screen a few times.
“Say hi,” he says, his voice a guttural sound. When he steps against my back again, he immediately pushes two fingers in, and my mouth drops open.
“H— Oh, fuuuuck,” I whisper, my eyes rolling back as his calloused hand massages that same spot again.
“That’s it,” Kai growls. “I think you’re ready for me, baby.”
I nearly collapse at the pet name. It sounds so fucking hot coming from his mouth, and I realize that I’d never submit to another man, but I don’t mind submitting to Kai.
Perhaps I’m a bit of a switch, too.
He removes his fingers, and I hear the oil bottle lid snap open again. Looking over my shoulder, I shudder when I see the way he generously oils his thick cock. And then that same hand is on my hip, pulling me back, rougher this time.
All I can do is close my eyes and let him.
“Deep breaths, Julian.”
I inhale once, twice. On the third inhale, I feel the head of his cock start to press into me.
“You’ve got to relax,” he says, his voice gentle.
I nod vigorously. “Okay, okay. Give me a second.” Reaching down, I begin to stroke my cock. It already feels ready to explode. My balls are aching and heavy, and when I envision fucking Kai just like this one day…
“Fuck,” I whimper. “Okay, do it now.”
Kai doesn’t give me the option to second-guess it. Instead, he pushes into me quickly—firmly—and stays there for a second. My head drops back, and I know it should sting or hurt, but all I feel is fullness.
“Deeper,” I beg.
Kai chuckles. “Look at my good boy begging for more cock. You sure you’re not a bottom, Julian?” he taunts.
I want to laugh, but I’m afraid I might come immediately if I move, so I stay still.
“Fuck you, Ravage.”
“You will,” he answers. I clench around his cock, and he groans. “Fuck yes. You feel so good.”
“Deeper,” I repeat.
Despite never doing this before, I know the second his cock bumps that spot against my front wall, I’m going to be spraying the shower tiles. He moves his hips forward slightly, pushing into me another inch, and my whole body lights up.
I arch my back as he thrusts farther into me, and fuck, there it is?—
“Holy shit,” I mutter, my voice garbled.
“You like this?”
At this, he pushes the rest of the way into me, and a deep, low sound escapes my lips. My whole body is quaking, and my toes curl inside my now soaking wet shoes.
“Yes,” I whisper. “Yes, fuck me, fuck ? —”
Kai pulls almost all the way out, adding more oil before driving back into me.
He’s not gentle this time, and my whole body rocks forward as he thrusts back into me in one, smooth motion.
“God, that feels… so good…” I mutter, seeing stars.
Everything inside of me is sizzling with white-hot electricity, like someone turned my pleasure receptors up from one to one hundred. My hands curl against the tile, and I don’t even need to touch my cock. It’s rock hard, bouncing with every thrust.
“Come for me. I want to feel it,” Kai says, biting the side of my neck. “Give your wife a show.”
“F-fuck,” I stutter.
Everything bunches inside of me, and then the pleasure explodes through me unexpectedly. I cry out at the force of it. Kai is muttering something behind me as it feels like I tumble down a steep cliff. My cock leaks cum at first, and it merely dribbles down, but then Kai reaches around and wraps his hand firmly around my shaft, and it’s suddenly like a fountain. I’m shaking, convulsing, jerking… I come for what feels like an entire minute. And maybe I do. There’s so much cum, so many aftershocks. Every time Kai moves inside of me, another pulse has it hitting the wall.
It’s fucking endless.
“Fuck yes,” Kai says. “That felt incredible. I’m going to come.”
I don’t have it in me to do anything but moan when his cock curves and bows. My eyes roll back, and I can feel him pulse deep inside of me. His free hand digs into the flesh at my hips, pulling my arse onto his cock as he jerks. And then he sighs, staying inside of me as he catches his breath.
I hear him press stop on the video, and then he pulls out of me slowly. I bite my tongue at the strange sensation. Expecting him to pull away, I stand there with my arse exposed. But instead of leaving or saying goodbye, he helps me out of my shoes, and then my clothes. When I turn around, he’s naked, too.
And he’s holding a bottle of bodywash. “Do you want me to wash you?”
There’s something acutely intimate about it—just us. Him and me. His version of aftercare. I nod, smiling. And then he comes to stand under the shower with me, pulling us both under the spray of the warm water.
My heart is still pounding, and as Kai begins to clean me, I realize that maybe, just maybe, this could all work out.