23. Nat
Nat
Something changed between me and Chase the day I came home after changing a flat tire. I’d been on my way from a meeting with the construction company contracted to build the mall when it deflated. Obviously, I’d picked up something at the worksite.
It wasn’t the first time I had to change a tire. Eli made sure I mastered that skill years ago. But for some reason the tire represented everything in my life that was out of my control.
Or more specifically, my relationship with Chase.
The nuts on the wheel weren’t the only things that gave and by the time I’d switched the flat for the spare I did something I so rarely do that I can count the times on one hand.
I retreated.
I went straight home thinking I’d have the house to myself only to find the man causing most of my anxiety right inside the door.
I’m pretty sure we haven’t let our animosity—if that’s even what it is—affect us outside the house. And the girls haven’t picked up on the tension between us inside the house, so I have to assume the only people caught in the spiraling tension are me and Chase.
And since we called a kind of truce, things have shifted again. We are back to how it was before all the drama with Cami happened. Back to being two people who share a house and the parenting duties of three young girls.
It helps that we both aired our troubles, mine being I hate that we were at odds. And unsurprisingly, his being the same.
Once we worked out that we were on the same side of this marriage of convenience, things smoothed out and our interactions got better. Life got better.
They’re so good I’m currently waiting in the bigger of the two living rooms in our house, the lights of the Christmas tree flashing rainbows all over the room, wondering if I’m going to have to go upstairs and start waking people up.
I haven’t been quiet either. I made sure to bang around in the kitchen when I made pancakes—now keeping warm in the oven—cutting up fresh fruit to go with them, and making myself three cups of coffee.
That was almost an hour ago. It’s just shy of nine and I can’t stand waiting any longer.
Shoving out of my seat, I put my empty coffee mug on the side table and head toward the stairs. Fingers around the railing, I take the steps two at a time, making sure to stomp my feet as much as possible.
I’m grinning when I get to the top. And not because my burst of energy—probably the three cups of coffee—makes me feel good.
No. I’m grinning because in front of me are two sleep-rumpled heads, with identical sleep-encrusted caramel-brown eyes, and bodies encased in matching green Grinch pjs.
It takes them a moment but when their eyes focus, they widen, their mouths opening in shock.
“You wore them!” Cassidy rushes forward and throws her arms around me.
“I said I would.”
“I know but I figured?—”
“What’s all the noise out here?” Chase comes out of his room, a matching pair of pjs on, and the twins burst into giggles.
“Ah, yeah.” He tugs on the bottom of his shirt where it only just covers his groin which is shrink-wrapped in green pants that only go to his shins. “They’re a little small.”
I have to cover my mouth to hide my grin.
“Don’t you laugh.” He points a finger at me. “You look like you’re a little girl wearing your mom’s clothes.”
I do. When I let the twins shop for our matching Christmas pjs—which is a Hawkins tradition they wanted to continue—I didn’t think to tell them what sizes to get. It didn’t even enter my mind until we opened them last night.
They got their own and Candace’s sizes right. But me and Chase? Yeah, their guesstimates were off. Way off in their brother’s case. I’ve already made a note in my calendar to go with them next year.
“The top’s not so bad.” Chase tugs on his shirt again. “But I’m going to grab sweatpants before we open presents.”
With a collective gasp, the twins let go of me and take off for the stairs.
“Be careful,” I call after them before turning back to Chase. “Want me to get Candace or should we let her sleep?”
“Let her sleep. She was up at three.” He yawns and scratches his head. “Took me an hour to get her settled again.”
“Teeth?”
He nods while scrubbing both hands over his face. His shirt lifts, giving me a glimpse of washboard abs and my insides clench. “I’ll, um.” I point over my shoulder. “Go make sure the girls don’t tear everything open before we get down there.”
I spin on my heel and walk away from him, even though everything inside me wants to head toward him.
That’s the other thing that’s changed since we talked. I’m back to seeing him as a sexy, I want to jump him man. And with how intense my lust is, I’ve obviously been suppressing my attraction because there isn’t a day I don’t want to jump Chase—don’t think about jumping him.
It makes it difficult to keep our marriage platonic. And the hardest part is I know he reciprocates my feelings. I vividly remember how it felt to have him touch me. I can’t remember the last time a man touched me.
But we promised to be friends, and I can’t go around wishing he’d break that promise and kiss me. I can’t break it either. We have the girls to think about. They are the most important part of our patched-together family and I won’t risk hurting them.
“Look at all the presents!” Crystal runs up to me the second I reach the living room. “There wasn’t this many last night!”
Cassidy is busy moving presents into two piles. “I don’t believe in Santa.”
“Ah…”
“Then where did all this come from?” Crystal asks her, pulling things out from under the tree beside her sister now.
“Gem and Chase of course.”
Cassidy is so adamant she’s right. And she is, in a way. Except some of the presents wrapped beneath the tree weren’t purchased by me or Chase.
They were discovered hidden away in boxes inside their parents’ bedroom. The service I hired to help pack and unpack their house found them and brought them to my attention.
Chase doesn’t even know about them.
And I hope I’ve done the right thing by wrapping them. Since I met them, I’ve tried to make sure none of the Hawkins children forget their parents, tried to make sure the siblings keep their memories alive and have everything their parents wanted them to.
These presents are tangible evidence of that want—of Mitch’s and Sienna’s love for their children.
“Hey, what’s all this?” Chase asks, stopping beside me, nudging my elbow with his. “Did you buy more stuff?” he whispers so the twins don’t hear.
“No.” I turn to look at him, make sure his gaze is on mine before I say, “I found them in your old house. They’re from your parents.”
His eyes go wide, his head whipping around to look at the brightly wrapped gifts. “You wrapped them?”
“They would want you to have them.”
His hand bumps mine, then turns and grips. The hold is tight, but not painful, and I give him a reassuring squeeze.
“I can either be here with you all when you open them or make myself scarce.”
The fingers laced with mine tighten. “Don’t you dare go anywhere.”
I can hear the emotion in his words, see it on his face, in his eyes, and when he tugs me with him toward his sisters, I go because there isn’t anywhere I want to be than here with them.
Chase clears his throat. “Cass. Stell.” The girls glance up and instantly stop what they’re doing. “Can you guys come sit for a minute? I need to tell you something about the presents.”
It’s easy to see they understand the gravity of the moment. Crystal in particular, is very sensitive, and picks up on a lot of emotion in others.
And that makes me wonder if they were aware of the friction between me and their brother after all. Not that it matters now. We’ve moved past that and found our footing again as co-parents.
“Is this about Gem adopting us?”
Cassidy’s question has Chase and I looking at each other. We told the girls of our intention when we filled out the paperwork—asked if they would be okay with it. But they haven’t mentioned it since.
“No.” Chase lets go of my hand and holds out both his to his sisters. “Come here.”
Once they’re settled on the couch either side of him, he keeps their hands in his and takes a deep breath. His gaze meets mine and I lower myself to the seat across from them. Apart but here in case they need or want me.
“When we packed up the house, Gem found some things in Mom and Dad’s room. Things they’d put aside for us.” He raises an eyebrow at me, and I nod. “She knows they would want us to have those, so she kept them aside.”
“Where are they?” Cassidy looks between me and her brother with curiosity, but Crystal has tears rolling down her cheeks, her glassy eyes on mine.
“You wrapped them,” she whispers.
“Yes.”
“And put them under the tree.”
I give her a nod. I can’t speak. My throat has gone tight, my gaze blurry.
“Thank you.” She slips her hand from her brother’s and stands up. “Will you sit with me when I open mine?”
“Of course.” I hop up and move over to her. “Where do you want to sit?”
“There.” She points to the pile on the left of the tree. “They’re the ones with my name on them.”
I put my arms around her, pull her in for a hug. “Want to unwrap now or eat breakfast first.”
“It’ll take too long to make?—”
“I made pancakes.” I cut Chase off. “They’re in the oven keeping warm.”
“Oh.” He frowns. “Why didn’t you wake me?”
“Because it was your night to get up with Candace.”
“It’s my night every night,” he argues.
“Yes. But it’s Christmas.” I grin. “Merry Christmas, Chase.”
His frown deepens before he says, “You better not lift a finger to clean up after we eat. You cooked so I’ll do the dishes.”
I don’t have the heart to tell him they’re mostly done. It’ll just be our dishes and the platter the pancakes are on. Instead, I nod and ask, “So unwrap presents or eat?”
“Presents.” The twins speak as one, but their earlier exuberance is muted now.
Pulling Crystal with me, I lower myself to the floor, legs crossed, in front of her pile of gifts. “Let’s see what you got,” I say with an extra punch of excitement.
It wasn’t my intention to dampen their Christmas spirit. Although I should have known getting gifts from their dead parents would. I should have waited until later, or even tomorrow to give them to them.
“Okay.” Chase rubs his hands together. “Where’s mine?”
“Under the tree.”
“What do you mean they’re under the tree?” He plants his hands on his hips and frowns. “You pulled all these out.”
“Yeah, I got mine and Stell’s.” Cassidy shrugs.
“I see how it is.” He drops to his knees and shuffles over to the tree. “I’ll get mine and Gem’s out while you two open yours.”
“No.” Cassidy grabs his arm. “Sit with me.”
Crystal slides her hand into mine and holds on. I don’t know if she thinks Chase will refuse her sister’s request or if she just wants the connection. I’ll give her comfort however she wants it so I squeeze her hand gently and reach for one of her gifts with my other hand.
“Okay, what have we got here?” I ask and place it in her lap.
“Is this one from them,” she asks.
I shake my head. “No. This one is from me.”
“Oh!” She lets go of my hand and rips into the wrapping.
Under the paper decorated with elves and snowmen is the newest workout gear from the Rogue sportswear for teens range. They aren’t in the shops yet and when her smiling face looks up at mine, I know she recognizes them.
“You got them for me!”
“Of course. Can’t have the assistant designer not having the first ones off the production line.”
“Thank you!” Her arms are around me, almost choking me, but I don’t care.
Today was always going to be hard. It’s their first Christmas without their parents and while I’ve managed to keep a little bit of them here today, they are all well aware this will be the last time they will ever receive a gift from their mom or dad.
My gaze catches Chase’s. He stares at me for a moment before mouthing ‘thank you’. I give a small nod, it’s all I can manage with Crystal’s arms still wrapped around my neck.
“Hey! I got them too!” Cassidy is on her feet and the next thing I know I’m flat on my back with the girls wrapped around me.
I can’t hold in my laughter. Despite the somber start, I’m positive today is going to be the best Christmas Day I’ve had since my own parents died. And I know, with the Hawkins siblings, every one for the rest of my life will only get better.
“Come on. Get off her.” Chase tugs at his sisters. “There are more presents to unwrap, and I haven’t even started yet!”
The girls are giggling now. Their joy infectious. It isn’t long before the three of us are laughing and trying to tickle Chase into joining us.
When we finally give up our efforts, we’re all out of breath and lying on the floor.
And when a hand brushes mine and I look down, I see Chase reaching out. Taking his hand, I look up and find his eyes on me. There’s so many emotions swirling in the deep blue depths. Too many for me to decipher. But it doesn’t matter what he’s feeling right now.
What matters is that we’re in this together.