Chapter 25
Igo to Kai’s and pack my bags quietly. No one can see me leave. I won’t give any warning. I’ll just leave. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I’ll leave, and they can forget about me.
That will be easy, right?
They can just forget about me and move on. Then no one will get hurt. I’ve already booked a taxi from here to the train station. I shove everything I need into a bag and struggle to get it shut. I fight with the zippers, then throw the bag at the wall, cursing loudly as it crashes against the wall.
Keep calm
Keep calm
Keep calm.
I pick the bag up and try to zip it up again. I eventually get it shut just as I hear the door open.
“Hey Noah, do you need a hand carrying the wine?” Elijah asks from the front door. I listen to his footsteps as he inches towards my room.
“Are you here, Noah?” He asks again, which causes my heart to stop beating.
“Uh, yeah,” I choke out. I need to go through with this. I can’t give up now. I need to keep them safe. I grab the bag and head out of my room without saying anything.
We both look at each other for a moment before saying anything.
“Now, I know you said you didn’t need help, but the more we thought about it, it’s not very fair for you to carry all the wine yourself, so I thought I’d come give you a hand,” Elijah says, then he glances down at my bag.
“That seems a little excessive, no? A couple of bottles would have been fine, man,” He laughs, pointing at the bag in my hand.
“I’m leaving,” I say deadpan. Elijah stops laughing, and his smile droops into a frown.
“What? You can’t leave. Why are you—”
“I’m sorry, but I have to,” my voice cracks as my eyes well up with tears. I go past him and head for the door.
“Are you serious?” He asks, as water begins to collect at the bottom of his eyes. His bottom lip trembles. “Why must you do this now? I thought we became really good friends. And I mean Teddy, oh my god, what am I supposed to tell Teddy? Why are you doing this?”
“Because I have to,” I cry, wiping away runaway tears. “I have to leave because I don’t want any of you to get hurt.”
“We won’t… what are you talking about, Noah?”
“I’m sorry I have to go,” I whisper.
“What about when Kai wakes up? And he will wake up. What do I tell him? He’ll be devastated, Noah. You can’t do this to us,” he cries as I walk around him towards the door.
“I’m sorry. I’m doing this because I care about you all.”
“You were saying goodbye,” he says as he looks me in the eye. “Please don’t do this.”
“I have to. You don’t understand.”
“Then fucking help me understand!” He snaps. He breathes hard as choked sobs run out of his throat. “Help me understand, Noah,” he says quietly now.
“I can’t… I’m sorry,” I choke out before heading out the door.
I can’t turn back. If I turn back, I’ll just stop and tell him I was joking. Then I’ll stay and forget about it. Then everyone will get hurt. They’ll hurt everyone I love.
But why, though? What did I do? Why do they want to ruin everything I’ve built here? I just want everything to go back to the way it was before.
I’m sobbing now as I climb into my taxi. My breathing heavy, but my tears are heavier. Elijah stares at me with tears in his eyes as the taxi drives off.
I rush into the train station and use the ticket machines to buy a one-way ticket. I don’t plan on coming back. I take a seat on a cold metal bench. No one is around. Quiet sobs fill my heart with so much sadness that it feels like a knife against my throat.
I can’t breathe.
I breathe in, but not enough air fills my lungs. The cold air of the night continues to nip at my skin. I cuddle my bag, wishing I could hug Teddy one last time. If I knew this was going to happen, I would have given him more kisses. I would have told him I loved him again.
How pathetic of me.
The most pathetic part is how I expected coming home to be a good idea.
I expected things to go smoothly. All I ever wanted was for my life to mean something.
I don’t want to change the world, I just want mine to be a little bit brighter.
I got a boyfriend who cares for me deeper than I ever imagined another human being was capable of doing.
I have friends who would do anything for me.
I reconnected with my best friend, and it felt like I never left.
Now the Bronze family has ruined it. They ruined my life by killing my mother. And now they’re doing it again.
I want to hurt them. I want them to die. But I know I won’t win. I can’t risk the lives of those I love. It’s better this way. I have to leave in order to protect them.
You’re a fucking coward Noah.
All you ever do is run away.
Do you really think you’re a good person?
I hear a loud clattering of a door. I already know who it is before I see their face.
Teddy bursts onto the platform, fury surging through their veins.
“Noah, what the hell are you doing?” Teddy shouts. Their anger is wet and messy as he marches towards me. I begin to stand as he reaches me.
“Teddy please don’t do this, I—”
“No, there is not a single thing you can say that will make this okay. After everything we’ve been through, everything we’ve said to each other… you’re going to leave? Just like that?” he cries. I hate to see him like this.
But there’s no other way.
“Just like that,” I say, trying to keep my tears at bay. His glassy eyes shine under the fluorescent light of the train platform. He looks like he’s just been shot as a train speeds past us, his chocolate hair flutters around in the wind.
“What’s happened? Why all of a sudden?” he asks, his voice cracking.
“I just… I have to do this. I’m sorry.”
“Bullshit,” he spits. He takes a step towards me. “Something has happened. Why would you leave me like this?” he cries, trying to hold my hand, but I shrug him off.
“I’m sorry, I have to go,” I repeat, my tears betraying me. I look him dead in the eye, trying to look as convincing as possible. I don’t want him to get hurt, but in turn, I’m breaking his heart.
Better a broken heart than being dead.
I’ll just have to live with the guilt.
I’m probably better off dead.
“No, you’re talking shit, Noah. Please don’t leave, you promised me,” he says, reaching out again, but I take a step back.
“C’mon, babe, please. Let’s just go home, okay? We can talk about this back at the flat,” he says, trying his best to smile. He extends his hand, expecting me to take it. But I swipe his hand away and attempt to look away.
“Noah?” he says, a pained choke escaping him.
The look on his face will forever haunt my dreams. His smile fades while his eyes fill with hurt.
He squeezes his eyes shut in order to stop the tears from flowing but they come out faster and faster.
He wipes his eyes with his hand. A sound like a wounded puppy escapes him as he is suddenly sobbing into his hands.
“See, this is your issue, isn’t it? You hit a hurdle and instead of trying to jump over it, you just run away,” he states, waving his hands around. “You did it to Kai, and now you’re doing it to me,” he sobs, his face going red.
“I’m sorry! I just—”
“I knew you would leave eventually. I thought things might have been different with you. I thought you said you loved me? I know we were drunk, but… I really thought it meant something. It meant a lot to me,” he chokes, tears spilling down his cheeks. He whimpers as my heart continues to break.
“I love you, Noah. I’ve never felt so sure of anything in my life.
I haven’t had it easy. Growing up was hell on earth, and I thought things were finally getting better.
But you’re breaking my heart here. Why must you do that?
I gave you my heart on a silver platter, and you thought it wouldn’t matter if you left everything behind? ”
“You don’t understand Teddy… I have to go.”
“No, you don’t. I thought we were in this together?” My eyes continue to betray me as tears run down my cheeks.
I want to tell him it’s okay, but I know it’s not. I can’t stay. If I stay, they’ll be dead. There’s no other way.
“What about Kai? When he wakes up, you’re going to be gone. What am I supposed to say to him?” He asks, taking another step towards me. I want nothing more than to take him into my arms and kiss him like there’s nothing wrong.
I can’t do this.
The train pulls into the station, and Teddy looks at it while tears spill onto the floor.
“Please don’t leave,” he cries, moving towards me. But I’m already walking towards the train.
“I love you, Noah. Please, I’m begging you… please don’t leave like this.” I look back at him, and I know it’s selfish, but I run to kiss him. Our tears blend together as we hold onto each other tightly. It’s deep and passionate. Almost like I’m saying goodbye.
Probably because I am.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper as my heart breaks into a million pieces. I back away from him. He reaches out for my hand but doesn’t catch it. I step onto the train, my hand gripping the handrail.
Don’t look back.
Don’t look back.
Don’t look back.
I look back to see my boyfriend. The boy I’ve opened my eyes to in the golden light of morning. The boy I’ve laughed with until my belly hurt in the most wonderful way. The boy I’ve never felt more alive with. The boy I gave my body to.
The boy I love with all my heart.
My boy.
My sweet, gorgeous boy.
Look at what you’ve done, Noah.
He sits with his head in his hands. His painful cries fill the station. He looks up at me with glassy eyes. My hand shakes on the handrail as I hesitate.
Teddy’s lips move to plead, “Don’t go.”
I don’t want to break his heart, but I don’t want him killed either.
They killed my Mum and ruined my life within a matter of seconds.
They almost killed Kai. I don’t want anyone I’ve met here to get hurt.
Teddy can’t die. He can’t. He has a bright future with the bookshop.
The bookshop is a representation of the good in this world.
It’s helped so many queer kids who have nothing else.
Everyone’s better off without me. They need to stay alive. I don’t know what I would do with myself if I got them killed.
I grip the handrail tightly. A million daggers puncture my heart as I let go and enter the train. I don’t look back. I can’t look back. If I look back, I will never get the image of him out of my head.
But I’m a foolish soul.
Once I sit down, I take one last look. I see a boy whose heart has just been shattered like a china plate, and I’m the one who threw it to the ground.
His eyes are like windows into a universe of hurt that I caused.
My mother told me I was an angel, and she knows I would never cause anyone to be in so much grief that their eyes would turn to glass.
But here I am.
The train begins to leave. Teddy’s head is cradled by his hands like a baby. He doesn’t attempt to chase after the train like they do in the movies. He knows I’ve made my decision. That I want nothing to do with him.
It’s better that way. I don’t care how much he hates me. He can’t die. He can’t.
He’ll never know how much my heart just broke. No glue in the world will fix that. I grip onto my bag as the train pulls away from the station. Tears spill out quickly as I lose control of myself and break down.
At least Teddy will stay alive.
I would die for him.
And I feel like I just did.