Chapter 26
The train pulls in and I’m paralysed with grief.
I’ve done nothing but cry the entire journey.
The poor food cart lady didn’t know what to do with me.
She handed me a dozen packets of tissues and cups of water that I drank just to make her feel better.
My eyes feel puffy and heavy - I want nothing more than to just fall asleep forever.
I check my phone to see the time, but I’m instead bombarded with messages from everyone I know back home.
Home…
Perrancombe is my home. Everything was getting better. I had a purpose, I had a family.
But now I’ve gone and thrown it all away.
I had to, though, for their sake. I can’t have them dead. I can’t bear to lose anyone else. I’d rather they live without me than be dead. Tears continue to flow as I basically fall onto a bench. I ignore my missed calls and messages.
I can’t take it anymore. I feel a surge of rage as I throw my phone to the ground.
The bronze family have ruined my life twice now. They ruined it when they killed my mum. And now, when I had just built a life for myself again, they’ve gone and torn it down again.
My eyes follow my phone sliding across the floor. It stops below brown boots; a pale hand picks it up.
“Did you not pay a lot of money for that?” asks Arthur.
I give him wide eyes of bewilderment. “This was not how I was expecting my shift to go. What are you doing here, Noah?” He says, smiling at me.
There’s a thick lump in my throat as I attempt to speak, my voice comes out as nothing but a whisper.
All the crying has made my throat fill with glass.
“I had to leave,” I whisper. His smile becomes a frown as he sits down next to me.
“Why? I thought things were going really well. I know Kai is in the hospital, but you seemed, I don’t know… happy?” He says. I don’t know how to reply, but my eyes begin to well up with tears.
“What’s going on?” He asks, pulling me into a hug. I cry onto his shoulder as grief takes hold of me again. I don’t want to never see them again. I was happy and content with my new life. I thought that I had been given a happy ending. I thought that was the end of the suffering.
“The bronze family told me if I didn’t leave, they would kill everyone I love,” I tell Arthur, whose eyes go wide. He cusses under his breath, then turns to me.
“And you just listened to them? To a family of psychos?” He asks through his teeth.
I simply nod. “Why would you throw it all away? I know you still care for him.” I want to say a million things, but my throat is closing in on itself.
Tears fall from my eyes again. Arthur offers me a tissue and I take it.
I dab my eyes with the tissue a few times and take a deep breath.
I explain to Arthur everything that happened at Sunset Cliffss.
I can’t get any more words out, the lump in my throat suffocating me.
“Does Teddy know what happened?” I shake my head. “You need to explain to him what happened.”
“I’m not sure Teddy will even want to speak to me now. We had a big fight at the train station,” I tell him, sighing. I don’t blame him. I was really cruel. I gave him no explanation whatsoever. He deserves better than me.
“What did he say?”
“He said that running away is what I do when things get bad,” I explain, thinking back to the look on his face. I’ve never seen someone so heartbroken. And I did that to him.
“Well… he’s kinda right, you know,” he admits. I scoff at him. I rub the temples on my face, hoping it will calm me down before I scream at him.
“What are you talking about, Arthur. I don’t run away all the time.”
“Yes, you do. The only reason you came here was because of your mum’s passing.
You could have stayed and grieved, but you chose to run away.
And I think attempting to throw yourself off a roof is the definition of running away, is it not?
” He asks, and I bite my tongue. Part of me feels like he’s right.
“You can’t run away this time. I know it’s hard, this crime family sounds like a big deal. But how dare they control who you love or what you do?” He asks, and my blood boils again. He’s right, how dare they? Why do I need to give up the life I made for myself?
“What do they want with you anyway?”
“I don’t know. The threats all said Don’t or Leave.
It involved rats, too. Like they were saying, don’t rat us out.
I don’t know what they mean, though. Like, don’t tell the police what they did to Mum?
They already know the bronze family killed her, but no one knows their real identity,” I explain.
My brain hurts from all the thinking. It feels messy, like a splotch of Kai’s paint.
Oh…Kai.
“How about you spend the night at the flat and you can think about what you’re going to do next,” he says. I nod a few times and wipe my tears with the tissue.
“You’re right, I should,” I say, continuously nodding. I smile weakly at him. It’s a start. I just wish I were in Teddy’s arms right now.
“Just, please don’t give up on your life. You need to fight for it sometimes.”
“Thanks, Arthur,” I say, giving him a hug.
“I’m always gonna be here for you, Noah, don’t you forget it.”
“It’s weird having you back here,” Arthur says as we enter our old flat. Being back here is just… strange. I never thought I’d be back too soon.
“Yeah, it’s super weird,” I agree with him. I place my bag down and enter the living room. Arthur rushes behind the couch.
“Fuck, just pretend you never saw this,” he says as he picks up a pair of trousers and a packet of condoms. I begin to laugh to myself as the tension in my shoulders relaxes.
“I guess I don’t need to ask what you’ve been up to while I’ve been gone.”
“Well, seeing as though I don’t need to worry about you hearing me anymore, I may or may not invite guys over from time to time,” he says, chuckling to himself.
“Anyway, make yourself at home. I haven’t touched your room, so it’s the way you left it.
We can order pizza and chill out a bit. You’ve got a big day tomorrow,” he says while placing his clothes in the wash.
“If I go back,” I retort, my mind not made up. I don’t want anyone to get hurt, but I also shouldn’t be forced to just give up the life I’ve dreamed of over some stupid crime family. It isn’t fair. They don’t get to decide how I live my life. I’m sick of them ruining everything.
“You need to go back, man. I know it’s hard, but you need to fight this. You can’t go back to the way you were before,” he says before sitting on the couch.
“Aww, so you don’t want me to be your roommate anymore?”
“Stop deflecting, you know exactly what I mean. Don’t you agree?” he asks, and honestly, I physically can’t go back to how I was before. I don’t want to lose myself ever again.
“You’re right,” I tell him, and a smile appears on his face.
“Okay, so go get your comfies on and we’ll order something, okay?” he tells me. I get up and head to my old bedroom. The door is shut.
As I turn the door handle and enter the room, I shiver terribly.
It’s almost like a ghost is in here. I turn on my bedside lamp and place my bag on the bed.
There are countless bottles of vodka and wine scattered around the floor.
Multiple bongs are sitting on my desk, and the room stinks of booze and weed.
There’s no character in the room. It just looks like a sad reflection of my inner self during the worst period of my life.
It’s filled with so many painful memories of me crying myself to sleep and dreaming of escape.
I don’t want to ever come back here.
I can’t let it get this bad again.
I need to go back.
Tears spring from my eyes as Arthur enters the room.
“You okay?”
“No, I’m really not. I shouldn’t have left. I have to go home, Arthur. This is awful. This room is so sad,” I cry as I put my face into his shoulder. He rubs my back as I cry.
“But look at it this way. This just shows you how far you’ve come. You don’t want to go back to the way you were a few months ago. You’ve come so far. You can’t give up Noah. I believe in you, you’re the strongest person I know.”
“I don’t feel very strong right now.”
“Do it scared, Noah. You have to. You know that now, right?” he asks, signalling me to look at him.
“Yeah, I know what I need to do.” I need to go back to where I belong. I need to make amends. And I need to end this. I can’t live my life running from the past. I need to face it head-on and take back control.
This is it. This is the moment I take my life back.
I need to go back home.