If I Were You

Chapter 37 Amy

Tanya?

I am not focused on the journey back, the minibus stopping to allow Eddie to pop into an open pub and return with a tray of clear shots. He forces the bus to play the ‘water game’ (everyone chooses a shot from the tray which contains clear spirits or water. Plot twist: none contained water). There’s initially some resistance – someone called Pete claims to be teetotal – but no one asked him why, or seems concerned, and he is simply told to stop being a pussy and drink it. I watch him as he sips at it slowly, wishing he didn’t feel obliged.

I feel one step removed, late to laugh. I’ve been holding my glass for an age. ‘I hate Sambuca,’ I mutter to no one.

Only Geoffrey seems to notice, his bushy grey eyebrows drawn together as he replaces his shot glass on the tray (tequila).

‘Here, Flynn,’ he says quietly, sneaking my shot out of my hand and downing it too. His face twists. ‘Sambuca,’ he coughs, handing it back so none of the other men notice.

My eyebrows shoot up as I mouth a thanks. I’ve never really spent any time with Geoffrey. As much as I want Mum to be happy, I suppose sometimes seeing that Geoffrey makes her happy is still hard for me. I smile back at him, grateful for his small kindness.

My brain is still humming with questions for Eddie, but I know I’ve been jumpy and strange and need to stop drawing attention to myself. I can understand why Flynn rarely talks about real things if the last couple of hours has shown me anything. Very few conversations stray into personal territory.

Tanya is Flynn’s ex. That much I know. But he is never drawn on her, waves a hand if I ask about her or deflects or tells me he likes to focus on the present. I’m not enormously insecure, I trust Flynn, but there is something about the way his face changes, just for a second, before the benign smile or casual shrug that belies something bigger. She is a huge question mark and one of the reasons I feel frustratingly distant from Flynn. How can he want to move in together if he remains so distant?

The fact she is here floors me. I’d assumed he’d been overwhelmed by the swap last night, staring at that couple. Now I realize he had recognized her. And he hadn’t said a word.

I knew he was the one who broke up with her, so I comfort myself with the fact that at least he’d chosen to walk away. But I’ve never been completely clear on why. Flynn is barely on social media so I’d only ever discovered tiny nuggets: Tanya loves Strictly, thinks Peep Show is the best TV show ever made, never wears black, loathes public transport. I hate myself for remembering these details, assigning meaning to them. But Flynn has never filled in the blanks.

And now she is here, on this weekend. And Flynn is being secretive. Maybe I can discover more, make more sense of Flynn and his past. Perhaps this is the silver lining to this switch.

Any thoughts I had of leaving evaporate as my curiosity takes flight. If I’m in Flynn’s body then of course I can find out more. If he doesn’t communicate with me about his past, she might. It’s not that I don’t trust him, I think hurriedly.

But as we bump around the narrow lanes, past fields dotted with hay bales, sheep, a small voice whispers, why didn’t he tell you about her last night? Why didn’t he say she was here, introduce you?

It solidifies my desire to find out more. It can’t hurt.