If I Were You

Chapter 38 Flynn

I need to persuade Amy to leave. Now. Desperate to ensure the fragile peace with Laura continues, I huddle quietly in the corner of the minibus on the way back. I just need to find Amy and persuade her to go. Too much is at stake now and this swap, whatever it is, doesn’t show any sign of ending.

I glance at the back of Tanya’s head on the minibus: I won’t let anything screw us up.

As we circle the gravel driveway back to the front of the hotel, I twitch, ready to race out. Staying feels dangerous. My plan is ruined but I know my relationship could be too if we stay.

I’m the first out of the minibus. ‘Amy, where are you headed?’ calls Laura from behind me.

‘I need to see Flynn.’

‘But I need help with …’

But whatever Laura needs help with is lost as I march through the foyer, hair still damp, curls sticking to my neck slick with oil.

Up the staircase and down the corridors. Get me out of here.

The room is empty, Amy is obviously still not back. I have a momentary panic that she might have hurt herself and hope she stayed safe. I curse again at the turn this weekend has taken.

I’ve always been more comfortable around men, an all-boys’ school, male sports teams, no sisters. I didn’t really know any girls or women, not ones to form a friendship with, and I was always told women were bitchy, that men were straight talkers. In the spa I got a glimpse of a wide range of conversations, a solidarity amongst this disparate group of females, and I wonder if that is actually true.

Glancing up in the mirror, I’m reminded again that I’m Amy. A hot rage descends and I lash out with a foot, stubbing my stupid toe – or Amy’s stupid toe – on the bedpost.

‘For fuck’s sake,’ I swear, zipping open my bag to pack. I find my mobile, with no charge, and plug it in. It immediately pings with messages. I must check them; I hope Karim and Bex are OK. Work feels a million miles away now, but I feel the familiar panic that I’m responsible for them, that I should look after them, or they might leave.

Then I see the zipped compartment on the side of my bag, can’t stop myself pulling out the hard square case nestled inside it.

Dolefully I sink onto the foot of the bed and stare at the diamond, glinting at me hopefully. The band was dotted with tiny stones too. It flashes in the light from the windows, making rainbow stripes dance on the cream wall opposite. I’d wanted to throw myself into a marriage, have kids, settle down.

There’s a knock at the door and without thinking I get up and cross the room, just remembering to close the box and hide it in my closed fist.

It’s Tanya, refreshed, rosy-cheeked, her blonde waves worn down like a mermaid. She’s wearing a floaty pale blue dress thing that I remember she bought when we went to Devon for the weekend. Thinking of that robs me of any words.

‘Hey Amy, sorry, I know it’s a bit weird pitching up like this. The boys aren’t back yet so I just wondered if we could have a quick chat?’

She takes my shocked silence as an invitation and steps inside the room. Wordlessly I close the door behind her.

‘Oh, great view. We’re around the other side overlooking the pavilion. This is gorgeous – isn’t that lake divine …’

I haven’t been in a room with Tanya since that hideous day. When I had thought things were coming together, that the future was bright.

She stands framed in the picture window, playing with a strand of hair, sending me spiralling back in time once more.

‘So, this is a bit awkward, but I sort of picked up that maybe you don’t like me much and,’ she holds up a hand, the words fast, ‘I can totally understand that Flynn told you about me, and that’s why you don’t like me.’

Crossing my arms, I tilt my chin in defiance, hackles already raised. ‘Don’t flatter yourself, Tanya,’ I huff, ‘Flynn hasn’t told me anything.’

She cringes and I try to temper my words, think like Amy. It’s absurd to think Tanya will catch us in the lie, but I don’t need to create more problems.

Just seeing her though is making me feel things I thought I’d buried long ago. My stomach twists as I take in her familiar face, chewing her lower lip in a sure sign she’s nervous. I thought I’d never see her again; I thought that part of my life was over. There was no need to open the lid on those memories. If they flare up I make sure I do what I’ve always done, secure the box a little tighter in my mind, focus on what is in front of me.

Now though, seeing her here, makes me falter. I hate myself but I can’t help asking it, desperate to know, yet also wishing she wasn’t here reminding me.

‘How’s Charlie?’ I blurt. I don’t mean to make my voice so brittle. I want to take it back. I don’t want to know, don’t want to think of them.

Her eyebrows lift, ‘Oh, Flynn has told you, then?’

I nod briefly, the hurt momentarily stealing my reply. ‘Only a little,’ I whisper, thinking back to the last time I’d seen them together, how I’d felt when I’d learnt the truth.

Tanya’s face relaxes. ‘Yeah, really good, thanks. So, before Flynn gets back,’ she says, business as ever with Tanya, ‘I just wanted to be sure he hadn’t made me out to be a bitch. Because I didn’t mean for any of it to happen, and I thought he was cheating on me!’

‘He wasn’t,’ I say stonily, my despair quickly replaced with anger. ‘Look, Tanya,’ I say, realizing this situation could actually present me with a solution to this problem. ‘I’d appreciate it if you don’t talk to Flynn this weekend, if that’s OK by you? Better to let the past stay in the past – yeah?’

‘I guess,’ Tanya says, fiddling with her hair again.

‘OK then,’ I say firmly, happy that with this sorted she can leave now. I don’t want her around me for any longer than necessary. ‘Well, thanks for coming to talk,’ I force out, wanting her to leave, wanting her to stop reminding me of the worst moment in my life.

‘Of course, um … well, thanks for hearing me out. Glad Flynn hasn’t soured things. He’s a good guy,’ she says, and those words sting too. If I’d been so good, how had any of this happened?

‘No problem,’ I say tightly, ushering her back across the room. Her familiar perfume as she moves closer makes me want to bundle her up and shove her into the corridor. I blink as the scent fades, opening the door.

‘And I hope you’re really happy with Flynn,’ she adds, searching my face as she stands on the threshold with me.

‘I am,’ I say through gritted teeth. ‘Really happy,’ I stress.

Tanya moves into the corridor, and my body loosens.

There’s a noise from my right and I look up.

Amy is standing at the end of the corridor, watching Tanya leave our room.

‘Flynn,’ Tanya says as she passes Amy, a glance back at me.

Amy nods at her, a bemused expression on her face.

Then Amy looks over at me standing in the doorway. I feel the hard edge of the box in my squeezed fist, a physical reminder of everything I stand to lose. I try to smile, to look relaxed, try not to let Tanya back into my thoughts. But I can’t help this strange feeling that I now want to chase after Tanya, get her to tell me more. My heart has cracked open again – maybe I wasn’t as over things as I thought.