In a Rush

Chapter 33

chapter thirty-three

Ryan

Today’s Learning Objective:

Students will wallow in regret.

I went home to Boston and sat on the floor in Emme’s room for hours while her absence wrapped itself around me. I was late in getting back here because—well, because I was a fucking idiot. There really wasn’t much more to say about it than that.

Jakobi told me she’d left with a bunch of bags, but I had to see it for myself. Had to stand in her closet and stare at all the empty hangers, had to open all of her drawers and see the blank spaces, had to run my hand over the surface of the bathroom counter where she used to store her makeup and creams.

When the sun dropped from the sky, I climbed onto the bed and pressed my face into her pillows. I could smell her there—her shampoo, her lotions, her tangerines—and it cracked something open inside me.

I felt it right behind my breastbone. Heavy, aching pain that made it hard to breathe or think of anything beyond the inescapable throb.

I knew from the start it would end this way, but I’d never accounted for everything in the middle. I’d thought I knew what it meant to love Emme, but that was like a pantomime of love. These past few months with her changed me in ways I could barely explain and I just couldn’t go back, knowing what I did now. I couldn’t carry on with my life without her.

I’d continue existing, but not well. Not with any amount of joy or contentment. Not after I’d fucked it all to hell and back. I was a fool, plain and simple, and I’d convinced myself I wasn’t. I thought I’d be able to get everything I wanted and keep it all too.

I was wrong.

My phone buzzed while I buried myself deeper into Emme’s bed. I ignored it for a minute, but then twisted and flailed in the blankets in the hope she wanted to talk. Or scream at me. I didn’t care. Anything would be better than the cold, quiet disappointment she’d aimed at me last night or the finality with which I let her walk away.

I never should’ve let her go. I knew that now. I knew she’d drawn a line—just like all the lines I’d watched her draw before, the lines I knew better than anyone else—and she was done .

But I should’ve followed. Should’ve tailed her to the airport, hopped on the same flight, kept close when she landed in Boston. Should’ve come home with her and told her everything, all the things I’d been holding back for the right time. We should’ve had the fight and put everything on the table here.

Grace: hey, asshole

Grace: in case you were wondering, your wife is with me. Do not take that as an invitation to show up at my door. I thirst for your blood and if that isn’t enough of a warning, Ben will turn the hoses on you and he has 5 different stun guns.

Ryan: Is she all right?

Grace: no, you fucking armpit, she’s not all right. you manipulated her and betrayed her trust for a goddamn business deal.

Ryan: I know

Ryan: Thank you for taking care of her

Ryan: Please tell me if there’s anything she needs

I stared at the screen for five minutes, but Grace didn’t respond. With a grunt, I turned back to Emme’s pillows and blankets, and fell into a sad, empty sleep.

I didn’t drag myself out of Emme’s bed until the next afternoon. It was her birthday, and I didn’t get to be with her, and I hated that.

I ignored all of my calls and texts though I still checked my phone compulsively for anything from Emme or Grace. After locking myself in the home gym, I jogged for a solid hour. When that didn’t help anything, I hit the weights and only stopped when my shoulder felt like rust.

I staggered out of the gym on overworked legs and a hip that made an awful lot of noise with each step, and wandered through the empty rooms of my condo. The whole place felt hollow, like I’d scooped out the best parts and saved the dried-out rind for myself.

The worst part was finding all the little pieces of Emme that she’d left behind. A pair of shoes by the door, a new blanket on the sofa, hair ties all over the place. Proof that she’d been here—and I’d been too much of a fool to keep her.

I forced myself to shower in my room, but when that was done I went back to pacing the floors and trying to find a way to fix this. There weren’t many answers, and I was the only one to blame for that.

Gifts wouldn’t work. If anything, inundating her with presents would only backfire. She didn’t want to be bought. Couldn’t be bought.

Jakobi wouldn’t let me anywhere near Ines. I knew that without asking, but I also knew there was no situation in which I could use Emme’s family to get to her. That wasn’t the move.

It was too soon to go to Grace’s house. If Ben didn’t hit me with the stun gun, she would, and no part of that worked out well for me. Even if Grace gave me the green light, I was too fucked up to fix anything right now. There were so many things I wanted to say to Emme that I knew I’d get it all wrong if I tried.

Which left me with only two options, each equally difficult. Since I couldn’t stay here, stewing in my misery and overexertion, I knew what I had to do.