Chapter 19
Nineteen
BEAR
F elix and Riley arrive together in Felix's truck right as I'm walking up to Callahan's Pub, a traditional Irish pub at the corner of Brookline and Main Street.
They both pile out at the same time, bickering as only brothers can about some sports fact or another. They both stop at once when they see me, staring with identical confusion.
I frown. "What? I got something on my face?"
“Yeah," Riley says, "A grin. It’s weird. Stop."
"Ah, fuck off," I say. "Can't a man be happy?"
Felix whacks me on the back. "Sure you can, bud. And we’re happy for you—right, Rye?"
Riley slings an arm over my shoulder. "Well sure, it's just weird. I've never seen you so much as crack a smile since we met three and a half years ago. Now you're grinnin' like a fool. What gives, man?"
Felix shoots his brother a droll look. "Isn't it obvious?"
Riley stops in his tracks in the middle of the pub. "You got laid!"
I backhand his chest gently, and he stumbles backward. "Don't gotta tell the whole damn town. Jesus."
Riley rubs his chest. “Watch it, He-Man, shit. Not all of us were born on Mount Olympus."
Felix snorts. "I'm not even gonna touch that mixed metaphor."
"Sorry," I mutter.
We find a booth in a back corner where's it less noisy; a cute little waitress sashays over to us and bats her eyelashes at us; she's got curly blonde hair and light gray eyes, built svelte and slender. "What can I get you, boys?"
"Pitcher of Coors," Felix says. "Anyone want snacks?"
"Hell yeah," I say. "Hungry as fuck."
“Bet you are," Riley teases. "Pretzel sticks and some chicken wings?"
We all agree and the waitress hustles off. Riley, I notice, watches her tiny little butt as she vanishes. I shove him, careful to do so softly. "She's too young, man. No way."
He rolls his eyes. "Sasha is twenty-four, I’ll have you know.”
"Sasha, huh?" I say. "First name basis?"
He shrugs, not meeting my eyes. "Guess so."
Felix snorts. "What he's not saying is he's already screwed her."
"Once," Riley protests.
"Yeah, exactly," Felix says. " Once ."
"Hey, now . I was down for more. She ghosted me ." Riley shakes his head. "Sweet girl. Great in bed. Not really my type, though."
Felix throws a Splenda packet at Riley's head. "Female, legal, and willing. Pretty much your only type, there, bro."
Riley tosses it back, missing. "Fuck you. I have standards."
"You screwed Amy Goddard." Felix says this as if it's all there is to say.
I look from brother to brother. "And?"
Riley seems distinctly uncomfortable with the tack of the conversation. "Shut up. Not—another—word. I was drunk .”
Felix just laughs. "Amy Goddard. Oh man. Year after our high school graduation, a party out in the Mannix backfield."
Riley glares at his brother. "Why do you hate me?”
Felix only laughs harder. "Let's just say Amy Goddard, while a very sweet girl, was, um…god, how do I put this nicely?"
Riley grumbles. "No nice way to put it. She was homely."
"Dude." I fish the packet off the bench and toss it at him. " Homely ?"
Felix shrugs. "That's as nice as it can be put, Bear. For real. Again, she was super nice to everyone, wicked smart, just…objectively speaking, not an attractive person."
"I felt horrible about it, okay?" Riley says. "It was a dick move. I was an asshole back then, and I was drunk."
"You're still an asshole," Felix says. "Just a little less of one."
"Was it at least consensual?" I ask.
Riley's gaze snaps to mine, angry. "Fuck you. Yes, it was fucking consensual ."
"Oh, it was," Felix says. "Everyone just assumed it was either a dare or some sort of fucked-up pity fuck thing. She moved away not long after."
Riley smacks the table, rattling the glasses. "Okay, enough , asshole. It was neither. We were talking. She's easy to talk to. Smart, like you said. I was drunk; she was drunk. It just happened. And you know what? It was pretty damn good, too. So fuck you both. And she didn’t move because of me, or what happened, or what people said, she moved because she got a full fucking ride to U of M for molecular biology."
Felix grabs his brother's shoulder. "Alright, alright. I'm sorry, Rye. Didn't realize it was such a sore spot. I was just fucking with you."
Riley rolls a shoulder miserably. "I still feel shitty about it—she was hurt by what people said. And she did confront me before she left asking if any of it was true. I’m not sure she believed me, though. It really was just…something that happened."
Felix looks at me. "He’s sensitive about his reputation. But yet, he can't seem to keep his dick in his pants."
Riley groans, staring at the ceiling. "Can we talk about Bear, now?"
"Not much to talk about," I say. "Yeah, Noelle and I…yeah."
Riley grins at me. "You know, I had a hell of a crush on her all through high school. And beyond, actually. But she was with that fucking shitbox cuntbucket dickwaffle, Brennan fucking Engler. And then, after she left his sorry cheating ass, I just knew she was out of bounds. You done good, son."
"Shitbox…cuntbucket…dickwaffle." I eye him. "Tell me how you really feel."
"That was the nice version. None of us ever knew what she saw in that fuckstain." He sighs. "Noelle was always way too good for him."
"Wasn't so much her as it was the expectations of her parents," I explain.
"Makes sense," Riley says. "Her parents were pretty damn strict."
"So, enough about Brennan Engler. You and Noelle." Felix grins at me. "Good? Great?"
"Man spent ten years in the pen," Riley quips. "A wet hole in the ground would be good . Noelle Harper?" he whistles. "Man’s grinnin' like a fool for a reason."
I frown his way. "Watch it, man. That's my girl."
He just grins wider, holding up both hands palms out. "I've got all the respect in the world for her, my guy. Told you, I never made a move on her, even when she was single. She's way too good for the likes of me, and I know it. Doesn't mean I can't appreciate one of Three Rivers' finest examples of female beauty."
I shrug. "Just watch how you talk about her."
Felix chuckles. "Rye, take the hint. You saw what he did to Duane."
I growl in warning. "Not talking about that."
Riley holds up his hands again. "Alright, I'm done. I'm just happy for you. And for her. She deserves to be happy, and you seem to make her happy."
"Hope I do," I say. "Think I do. She says I do."
"You do," Felix says. "Saw it even before you guys hooked up. If she's grinnin' like you are, then yeah, you make her happy."
"I just gotta know,” Riley says. "On a scale from one to ten…how epic was it?"
"Forty-seven…million."
Riley bursts into laughter, clapping his hands. "Hell yes, brother. Hell yes. Good for you."
Felix glances at Riley, and they share a look, and then Riley turns serious. "So, about this whole switching crews thing."
I sigh. "I don't wanna put you in a bad spot, but I want to…" I shrug. "Do more with my life. Especially now that Noelle and I seem to be building something together."
Felix claps me on the back. "If you're game, we've agreed that you can apprentice for me. I'll teach you everything I know about house building. I think you’ve got the eye for it.”
“But,” Riley puts in, “I may need you once in a while. Help catch up if we get behind."
I think about it, even though I don't have to. "I think that's fair—more than fair." I look at Felix. "I appreciate the opportunity. I won't let you down."
Felix just shakes his head. "Don't doubt it, man.” A small laugh. "You're so damn earnest, Jesus. Chill, man. You're good."
Riley cackles. " You calling him earnest is rich, bro. You're the textbook definition of earnest."
They bicker like that for a while, and I let it wash over me, thinking about the future.
ONE YEAR LATER
All the other guys have been gone for at least an hour, but I stayed behind to finish putting in the last of the tile in the laundry room. After this, cabinets and counters go in, and then it's finishing touches.
This is the third home I've done with Crowe Construction, and while I'm still the most junior member of the crew, I work the closest with Felix, learning the trade as a whole rather than becoming an expert in one particular aspect. Thus, I've gotten to spend time on each facet of homebuilding, from digging and pouring the foundation to framing, drywalling, flooring, overseeing the subcontracting of plumping and electrical, to finishing. I'm not the best at any of that, but I've memorized the legal codes as well as our particular standards and know how to spot when something's been done incorrectly or under our standards. I'm learning to read blueprints, how to spot a faulty design, how homes flow best, and how to choose the right materials in order to not scrimp on quality yet keep costs down…it's endless, and I fucking love it.
Officially, I'll still be on parole for, well, a long goddamn time, but I'm finished with Riley's program, and in addition to my position as Felix's apprentice, I also serve as Riley's inmate supervisor and liaison between our crew and the staff at Holbrook, helping Riley choose candidates for the work-release program and assisting him in monitoring their progress through the program.
Noelle found her storefront for her salon, right on Main Street near Compass at the south end of town. She just finished renovations a month ago and had her grand opening last week, having done a soft launch over the previous three weeks to iron out any kinks.
I let go of my apartment and moved in with her about two months after what will always be the most memorable night of my life; it would have been sooner, but there was a situation with the landlord. He suffered a heart attack and was forced to sell his properties so he could focus on his recovery—he was going to sell the house out from underneath her, but she managed to convince him to turn her lease into a rent-to-own, giving her time to scrounge the funds for a full purchase. Part of the negotiations included much-needed repairs she’d been after him about for months, which meant she actually moved in with me in my apartment while the repairs and renovations were underway. Once she was officially the new owner, the first thing she did was finish the basement, giving me a workout space and a temporary space for her to work out of—she left Lux Locks once the basement was done and began building her clientele in preparation for finding her storefront downtown.
All in all, it's been a hectic but productive year.
I made my first significant, adult purchase six months ago—a two-year-old Ram 2500, in cash. It's not the fanciest truck around—double cab, long bed, cloth seats, AM-FM radio—but it's clean, low mileage, with a heavy-duty tow package and a beefy diesel engine; I added a backrack, a spray-in bed liner, and upgraded tires and wheels, and now I have a truck that'll hopefully last me a good, long time.
Another reason I went for that particular truck was because I got a killer deal on it, leaving me a decent amount of cash left over.
I saved over the next month and made the second major purchase of my life, a small but significant object chosen with the assistance of her friend crew.
An object that currently sits in the center console of my truck, burning a figurative hole as I decide on the best moment to give it to her.
Or, rather, offer it to her. The yes isn't guaranteed, but I can't see her saying no.
God, I hope she says yes.
I've gone through a billion scenarios and come up with a billion ways to ask. I've planned elaborate dates at fancy restaurants across the state, destination vacation proposals, simple ones at home…nothing has felt right.
I have my earbuds in and a podcast on righting wrongful convictions playing, and I'm not expecting anyone. Therefore, I'm startled half out of my skin when I feel a tap on my shoulder.
"God, baby, I'm sorry," Noelle says, hanging on my back as I stand up. "Didn't mean to startle you."
She slides to her feet and moves around in front of me, her arms circling my neck, her lips touching mine in a soft, quick kiss.
"All good, babe. Didn't hear you." I glance at my watch. "Oh, shit. Didn't realize how late it was."
She shrugs, smiling. "It's okay. My last client went late, so I'm just now done myself." She looks around. "Got a lot done since I was last here."
I nod. "Yeah, we should be done in another month or two."
"When do you break ground in EastBroook Estates?"
"Mmmm, they're still moving dirt around. The planned timing is to be able to break ground once we're done here." I spread the last of the grout over the tiles in front of the door's threshold. "Done in a minute, here, baby. We doing dinner at home or what?"
She doesn't answer, so I finish what I’m doing and turn to look at her—she's staring off into space, frowning thoughtfully. I decided to let her think while I finish, so I hustle the last stretch of grout, and then stand up and stretch the kinks out of my back.
She's still lost in thought, staring out the laundry room windows at nothing. She doesn't seem upset or worried, so whatever she's thinking about likely isn't bad news.
"Hey," I say, nuzzling her cheek with my beard. "Thinking big thoughts?"
"Mmmmm." It’s a non-answer—she didn't even really hear me.
"Noelle?" I ask, touching her chin and dipping at her knees to get her attention. "Hey."
She blinks and shakes her head. "God, I'm sorry, honey. Did you say something?"
I smile. "Just asking about the big thoughts you're thinking, down here."
She looks at the floor. "Oh, you’re done?"
"Yeah. Wanna get out of here?"
“Sounds good,” she says.
She threads her fingers into mine and we head for my truck—her salon is only a couple blocks from this build, so I've been dropping her off in the mornings and she and Panzer walk over when she's done and we go home together.
Panzer is napping on the grass beside the truck, popping up to his feet when we come out. I kneel at his side and ruffle his ears, kiss his forehead between his eyes. "Heya, boy. Take good care of our girl?"
He ruffs softly and licks me from chin to hairline in answer. I get him in the backseat, and then we get in and I head for home.
Before I get out of the new sub and onto Elk Street, however, she looks at me. "Can we go for a little drive?"
I grin and shrug. "Sure. Anywhere in particular?"
She shakes her head. "No. Well, somewhere we can watch the sunset?"
The sun is approaching the horizon, which means we've got a few minutes before the real event begins. I've learned the area pretty well since getting my own wheels, so I know a good spot north of town.
It's a short drive, and within ten minutes, I'm pulling off the two-lane highway into a small lake-side park—it’s nothing more than a parking lot and a stretch of grass with some picnic tables and coal grills, and then the rocky beach, but it overlooks the endless rippling blue of Lake Michigan. I park and we take seats on the bench nearest the water while Panzer trots the waterline, sniffing and frolicking with puppy-like exuberance.
I let her ruminate, knowing she'll open up when she's ready.
"So…" She twists on the bench and I do the same so we're facing each other, and she takes my hands. "I've been thinking."
"You're pretty good at that," I say, grinning.
She tosses her hair playfully. "I know." She giggles and then sobers. "For real, I…I guess I'm a little nervous because I don't know how to approach this."
"Sweetheart, you know that whatever it is, I'm with you and I'll support you."
She gnaws on the corner of her lower lip. "It's…it's not so much a me thing as an us thing." She looks at me, searching my face. "About us. Our future. And it's something we haven’t discussed yet."
My heart pounds. "Okay."
"Um. So. We've been together for over a year, and we've lived together for a few months." She halts, nerves apparent in her eyes, body language, and tone.
I lift her hands and kiss her knuckles. "Hey, breathe, baby. I love you. I'm all in, no matter what."
I may or may not have let her get out of the truck first so I could snatch the ring out of the console, because this could very well be a perfect opportunity, depending on what she's about to say.
She nods. "I know. I know. I just…" She exhales shakily. "I grew up very traditional, you know that. There's a set-in-stone order to things. Courtship, engagement, marriage, and then kids."
The ring heats in my hip pocket. "I know."
"But I…I've sort of let go of a lot of that. I…want to be married. I want to have kids."
"Me too, sweetheart." I slip my hand into my pocket and close my hand around the black velvet box.
She looks at me with apprehension in her eyes. "I, um...” She covers her face. Blows out a shaky breath. "How would you feel if I said I want to go off birth control and…um…see what—what happens?"
The breath whooshes out of my lungs. I slip my hand out of my pocket, keeping the box hidden in my fist.
It's my turn to go shaky and clammy-handed, breath hot and lumpy in my throat. I know she's waiting for my response, her beautiful green eyes frantically hunting my face for signs of my reactions.
"Bear?" It's a tiny whisper.
“I guess I'd just have one question to ask you.”
She licks her lips, tears shining in her eyes. "Okay?"
I slip off the bench and onto one knee in front of her, the hot lump in my throat bobbing as I attempt to swallow past it.
I open and hold up the ring box. "Noelle, will you marry me?" A thousand other thoughts and questions rampage through my brain—excuses, declarations, pleas. None of it will come out properly. "I…I've planned this a hundred different ways, and thought about what to say a million times. I love you so fucking much, and I just…I love you. I want to be with you forever. Please, Noelle. Marry me?"
Her hands clap together over her mouth the moment I go to one knee, tears spurting down her cheeks as I show her the ring. By the time I've gotten the last syllable out, she's sobbing and nodding.
"Yes?" I ask.
She leaps off the bench and slams into me full force, knocking me backward to the grass on my back, her arms around my neck.
" YES !" She shrieks, breathless and laughing and sobbing at once. "Yes, yes, yes—god yes. Fuck yes."
I stand up, and she comes with me, leaping up into my arms, legs going around my waist. "Fuck yes?" I repeat, laughing.
"How many different ways can I say it?” She says, peppering my face with kisses. "Yes. Yes, please. Yes forever. A thousand times, yes. Fuck yes.” She palms my face and kisses my mouth until my cock goes hard in my jeans. “Yes, Bear Olafsson. I will absolutely, one hundred percent marry you. Do you have a pastor in your pocket? I'll marry you right now."
"Maybe you should at least try the ring on?" I ask, laughing.
She leans back, blindly trusting me to support her weight one-armed as she takes the ring from the box and slides it on her ring finger. I shove the empty box in my pocket and cradle her backside as she clings to my waist with her thighs, her left hand on my chest, the sunset glittering scarlet-orange fire off the diamond.
She's crying as she stares at it. "God, Bear, it's incredible."
"Remember when Tommy and Colin took you to Charlevoix for brunch?" I ask; she nods, frowning. "Raina, Ashlynn, and Kyle took me ring shopping and helped me pick it out."
It's a diamond solitaire, a full carat, round, with a white gold band that splits into two narrower bands that cross to become an infinity loop.
"It’s so beautiful. I love it so much." She rests her hands on my shoulders. "But…you didn't answer my question."
I lean in and kiss her. "I figure you'd want to process my question first. But the short answer, my love, is yes . Whatever the timing is, yes. You wanna start now? I'm in. You wanna wait till we're married? Let's plan the wedding."
She sniffles, twisting and holding her hand at a different angle so the sunset catches the ring. "To be honest, I don't want to wait. I love you. I love our life. And…I've wanted to be a mother…" She drops he head, sniffling again. "For a long time. A very, very long time. And now that we have things sort of figured out more—you working with Felix and me opening my salon, I don't see a reason to wait. I just…I…we never talked about how you feel about kids."
I sit on the bench, and she shifts to straddle me, shins folded under her thighs. “Noelle, I…” I shake my head. “I haven’t really thought about it. I honestly never expected…any of this. To fall in love. To have a career I’m passionate about. A life—a real life. I didn’t have parents. So, I guess If I’m being honest, it’s a scary prospect. I don’t know the first thing about being a dad. But I know as long as I’ve got you, I can figure it out. You just may have to show me the way."
She cups my face, strokes my beard. "Bear, my sweet love. You will be the best father. There is no doubt in my mind at all—you have so much love. Such a big heart. You may not have had a father, but that just means you get to be the father you wish you had."
My eyes sting. "What if I mess up?"
She laughs. "You're going to. So will I. We're going to fight. I'll probably make you sleep on the couch at least once and you'll want to yeet me into the bay at least once.”
I snort. "Yeet?"
She rolls her eyes. “Yeah, not sure where that came from." She kisses me. "Are you saying you're ready to…not try, but not stop it from happening?"
I nod. "That's what I'm saying. I love you. I want this life with you. All of it. I want to be your husband. I want to watch you have our baby. All of it. Even if I'm scared. I love you so fucking much, and I'm ready for all of it."
She leans in and nips my lower lip in her teeth. "Then take me home and see if you can put a baby in me on the first try."
"Doesn't the birth control take a while to go out of your system?" I ask.
She shrugs, nodding. "Well, yeah. If I stop taking it now, my cycle will come back in about a month and I'll be fertile again after three months or so." She grinds her butt against me. "But I figure we should practice, you know?"
I carry her to the truck, calling for Panzer. "We should definitely practice. A lot ."
I race home and spend a good portion of the night practicing.
Late that night, drowsing half awake, moonlight streams silver and glitters off the ring, her hand resting on my chest as she sleeps in my arms.
And I find myself thankful.
Not just for her, but for each and every event that led me here, to her, to this moment. To this life. I wouldn't change one thing—none of it. Because all of it brought me to her.
Out of the shadows and darkness…
Into the light.