Just Pretend (Just… #1)

18. James

CHAPTER 18

JAMES

I hold Hallie tight, my arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her close to me. I can feel every inch of her body against mine, our lips engaged in a passionate kiss, our chests are pressed together, her arms around my neck. The kiss goes on and on and I gladly lose myself in it, letting it wash over me without a second thought. There is nothing else on my mind except for the visceral pleasure of the moment. My heart is pounding in my ears, blocking out any sounds around us, until the moment is interrupted by the sound of Wyatt Blake, the ranch’s activities director, declaring us the winners of the blind climb.

It’s the echoing applause all around that finally pulls me back to my senses. I quickly break away from the kiss. I blink a few times to refocus my vision, and as I look at Hallie, my stomach flips. She slowly slides her arms from my neck, averting her eyes from mine, softly clearing her throat. She’s taking a step away from me when I realize my hands are still on her hips, but there’s something inside of me that can’t let go yet. It feels like if I accept that the moment is over, I won’t ever get it back again.

Somewhere in my brain, I’m able to process the activity around me—Clay Winter whistling through his fingers, the crowd around him clapping while Wyatt congratulates us on conquering the rock wall. Chase is scowling off to the side while his wife dabs the corner of her eyes with her shirt sleeve. The group starts to talk amongst themselves, recounting their experiences on the wall, agreeing on which parts were the hardest, arguing about whether it was harder to be climbing blindfolded or on the ground giving directions. I can hear these pieces of conversation and take in the faces around me, but at the same time, I’m still trying to catch my breath and ground myself.

I haven’t kissed a woman like that since Simone, and at this point I don’t trust any of my memories of our time together. Kissing Hallie was more than just passionate, though. It felt deeper, intangible—unknowable, even. The kiss felt like connecting with someone on a level I’ve never experienced before—not even Simone, which seems obvious to me now. I thought the fake kiss yesterday was pretty amazing, but this was even better. It makes me wonder if the difference is that it wasn’t just pretend.

Don’t get it twisted, I quickly remind myself. Nothing is real about this experience. Just because I got carried away by the unavoidable pleasure of being close to a beautiful woman doesn’t mean Hallie wasn’t acting her ass off. It was the perfect time to display a little PDA, given the circumstances. I’m actually proud of her for seizing the moment. Now that it’s over, we’ll go right back to where we were, tolerating each other enough to get through this week together. Simple as that.

I glance over at Hallie, expecting her to be gloating about our win on the rock wall, but she has her head bowed and turned away from me.

“Hey…” I start softly, but I’m not sure what exactly I should say, if anything.

I don’t know if she didn’t hear me or is ignoring me, but before I can find the words, she walks away from me, grabbing a bottle of water from a cooler. She stands quietly off to the side of the group as she opens the bottle and takes a drink, staring off into the distance. I can’t help but wonder if she felt the same thing I did—that the kiss was more than make believe, that there was something real between us, at least in that moment. I take a step towards her, needing to know what she’s thinking, but then Wyatt calls for everyone’s attention for the next team building exercise.

“Hallie,” I whisper, but she won’t look at me.

“For the next activity, we’re going to split you into two groups,” Wyatt announces before randomly assigning us to group one or group two, separating me from Hallie.

With each group standing in a circle, Wyatt explains that we’ll be forming a human knot, reaching out to take the hands of two different people across from us. Once we’ve formed the knot, we then have to untangle ourselves without letting go of either hand we’re holding. As my group starts to make some progress, squatting down to let someone climb over our arms or raising our hands up in the air for a person to walk underneath, I find my mind wandering back to Hallie. I’m trying to contribute to the team, hoping to impress Lucas Winter who is standing next to me, but no matter how hard I try to stay focused, I can’t get that kiss out of my head.

Every time I sneak a glance over at Hallie, still wondering if she is as affected as I am, she seems to be looking the other way. Eventually I start to wonder if she’s purposefully avoiding me. Could she be upset over what happened? Does she think I took things too far? I’m pretty sure she’s the one who initiated the kiss, but I definitely got carried away. Maybe I need to apologize, but if she didn’t feel what I felt, there’s no way I’m going to admit it. I can always just let her think I was taking advantage of the moment to make a move on her. It’s not true, but easier to explain.

“We want to congratulate everyone on a job well done,” Clay Winter says after a morning of team building. “You all worked hard and, more importantly, you worked together. That’s what we want to see at Winter Brothers Vineyards. You have the rest of the day to enjoy yourselves, so please take advantage of all the activities the ranch has to offer. We’ll see everyone at dinner tonight.”

As the crowd disperses, I have to hurry to catch up with Hallie, who made a quick beeline for the trail back up to the lodge as soon as Clay dismissed the group. I still have no idea what she’s thinking or feeling, but it’s obvious that she’s bothered about the kiss. I wish I knew if she is angry or upset or confused, but she doesn’t say a word to me as we make our way back to the lodge—a seemingly endless journey that feels much longer than it did on the way down earlier

“What do you want to do this afternoon?” I ask, trying to get her talking, but she only shrugs. “Maybe some hiking? Or would you rather make appointments at the spa?”

She takes a deep breath in, and I wait for some kind of response, but she just shakes her head, hurrying through the sliding glass doors that lead to the lobby. I don’t bother trying to make conversation again, but as we get into the elevator, it feels like the walls are closing in on me. I’ve never experienced such claustrophobic silence in my life. Every second is wrought with awkward, silent tension. My mind starts to race, wondering what is going on, why won’t she even look at me? Maybe I got a little too involved in the kiss, but I really don’t think I did anything wrong. The more I consider it, the more confused I am about the situation.

It feels like I’m going to suffocate inside the elevator, so when the doors finally open, I take a deep, almost desperate, breath in. Once we finally get to the room and the door clicks shut behind us, I can’t take it anymore.

“Is everything okay?” I ask.

“Yeah, fine,” Hallie replies, still avoiding eye contact as she opens a dresser drawer and looks down at her tidy piles of outfits. “If you want to go for a hike, I should change.”

“I’m open to whatever you want to do,” I tell her, trying to smooth over the obvious discomfort between us. “Oh, but I did book us an activity last night for tomorrow afternoon. I hope that’s okay.”

Hallie finally looks over at me, her eyebrows slightly furrowed, her gaze filled with unconscious curiosity.

“You did?” she asks, probably trying to figure out when I even had time yesterday to arrange anything for us. “What is it?”

“They’re offering a cheese making class,” I nod. “I thought you’d enjoy it.”

Hallie’s eyebrows immediately shoot up and she gapes at me for a moment.

“You’re kidding,” she says, either scoffing at or excited by the idea—I can’t quite tell.

“Was it a dumb idea?” I ask, feeling uncertain. “I can cancel if you’re not into it.”

“No, I’m totally into it,” Hallie says, her stern expression finally bending into a smile. “I love cheese, and I really enjoy finding out how things are made.”

“Good,” I nod, feeling relieved. “I thought you might like it; I’ve seen those amazing, intricate cheese boards you put together when your book club meets at the pool.”

Hallie’s smile droops just slightly as she looks at me in disbelief and bewilderment. I can’t help but cringe, wondering if I just came off as a total stalker. It’s not that I was watching her book club meetings, but they can get a little rowdy after a couple bottles of wine and it’s hard not to look out the window to see what’s going on.

“You noticed that?” Hallie asks softly.

After having her avoiding even glancing at me for the last hour, it feels strange to have her staring right at me now, looking deeply into my eyes as if trying to solve a riddle. I take a breath before answering, feeling my heart start to speed up. Part of me wants to shrug it off like it’s nothing, but at this point, I’m wondering if it’s not nothing. Maybe it’s been something all along.

“I’ve noticed a lot of things,” I tell her, holding her gaze, though I know I should look away.

This is too much, a voice in my head tells me. It’s too strong, too close. This could be Simone all over again. She’s not Simone, I answer back. This is different.

As if the conflicting voices in my own head weren’t confusing enough, I have no idea what’s going on in Hallie’s mind. And yet, the sexual tension in the room is undeniable. I can feel it crackling in the air, little sparks of electricity, ready to send a jolt through my body. I don’t know if I should say something more or just cross the room and pull her into my arms again. I want to kiss her, to continue what we started down by the rope’s course, but it feels like too big of a risk.

“I should change,” Hallie says, breaking the silence as she reaches into the open drawer and pulls out her neatly folded clothes. “I’ll take the bathroom.”

“Hallie,” I say as she brushes past me on her way to the bathroom.

She stops and looks at me over her shoulder, waiting. I still don’t know what to say, but I feel like I can’t let this moment pass.

“Uh huh?”

“About the kiss,” I say softly.

“It’s fine, I get it,” she says dismissively before I can continue. “We had an audience, and it was perfect timing. Don’t worry, I’m not mad. It was a good move. Plus, I’m sure everyone thought it was real, so good job. I really appreciate you doing this for me. I’m glad you’re getting something out of this, too.”

“I’m…what?” I ask, confused by her comment.

“Missing your family party,” she clarifies. “I felt guilty at first that you were doing me this huge favor, but now I know that it’s benefiting you too.”

“Right,” I nod, feeling numb as she goes into the bathroom.

I hear the click as she locks the door and I slowly sink down onto the foot of the bed, feeling stung. You only have yourself to blame this time, the voice in my head chides me. You’ve known all along that none of this is real for her.