Chapter 16
16
DONOVAN
Everything comes down to her, like it always does.
Every thought is April, April, April .
I’m losing my goddamn mind, and I’m hiding in my office like a coward.
I don’t bother checking my phone until hours after Liam laid in to me, telling me that he and Hunter were going forward with pursuing April after the contract ends whether I liked it or not.
That just because I’m too fucked up for a normal relationship doesn’t mean that they are.
So, I stay in the office, putting way too much thought into Axton and working on new programming.
Work has always given me clarity.
But April has invaded my mind like a virus, not allowing me a moment of peace.
“Have you ever thought it’s because you’re too far away from your mate? That avoiding her makes you physically ill?”
Liam’s accusations ring through my skull.
Of course, I’ve thought that.
“It’s fate, Donovan. And I won’t let you take her from me.”
I don’t believe in fate.
I didn’t believe in anything until April Waters waltzed into my life, handing me a cookie and seeing through my bullshit.
Maybe I’m scared, angry, or insane.
Possibly all three.
I shouldn’t be having auditory hallucinations of her voice.
I shouldn’t be replaying her smile over in my head or remembering her squeals of joy when she wins a fucking kitten-themed board game.
And I probably shouldn’t have paid to have someone killed.
“Do you ever stop and think that maybe you’ve become a better person because of her?”
Liam threw question after question at me, and I refused to answer any of them.
Because he’s fucking right.
April has challenged the very core of who I am.
I knew who I was before her—a cold, hard-working asshole.
Someone that couldn’t be a good partner, or even a good son.
Barely a friend.
But I knew who I was, and April makes me fucking question everything.
How could someone go through what she’s been through and come out the other side stronger than before?
How can she make Liam’s anxiety dissipate when no one else can?
She melted Hunter’s shitty attitude and turned him into a dark Prince Charming.
And she’s made me want .
Apparently, I can’t fucking handle it, especially when she never gave me her answer the other night.
I know I didn’t have the right to ask if she was willing to try again with me, but I still did.
Her silence told me everything.
Of course, she wouldn’t want to try with me after how I treated her.
I talk to her in riddles half the time—the bigger my feelings grow for her, the more difficult it is for me to open up.
Still, with that one text message she sends me, I hurry back to the packhouse, consequences be damned.
I’ll hang on every fucking word she says, even if it’s just to tell me to go fuck myself, and that she only wants Liam and Hunter.
At least I won’t be a coward about it.
The keys to our external office are attached to a large keyring that I keep in my pocket. It has every key on it, including the ones to the bedrooms in the house. I usually don’t keep the massive thing on me, but I grabbed them in a hurry to end the argument with Liam.
I use that set of keys to unlock the door to the packhouse and hurry inside.
April’s scent perfumes the foyer, and an irrational stab of jealousy rushes through me.
It smells like her sweet slick.
“Hey, man.” Hunter greets me, and I nod my head at him. “Nice of you to actually show up.”
I glare at him.
He raises an eyebrow and crosses his arms as he leans against the rail of the stairs. “You finally going to go apologize to her?”
I stalk toward him. “What I say or do with her is none of your business,” I sneer. He looks slightly concerned, but then he buries it with a smirk.
“Yeah, well, I’m just saying, an apology would probably go a long way,” he adds. “She’s definitely in a good mood now.”
He cocks his head and looks at me with a shit-eating grin.
“If you’re trying to make me jealous, it won’t work,” I snap.
Hunter leans his head back and laughs. “It just did.” He flicks his eyes upstairs. “She’s all yours. Don’t fuck it up this time.”
I ignore his jab and hurry to her bedroom, following her sweet Omega scent.
I knock on her door, ignoring the nerves in my gut.
Only Liam experiences anxiety—not me.
April opens the door, and her warm eyes widen when she sees me.
“Hi,” she says, her scent washing over me. She’s sweeter than normal with intense notes of honey, vanilla, and sugar.
My inner Alpha stirs, the instincts to take and claim overwhelming me.
I stuff them down.
“I got your message,” I say. “You wanted to talk?”
She nods and holds the door open. “Come in,” she says. I follow her inside, and she leaves the door cracked behind us.
She sits on the bed, but I stay standing.
“Thank you for my nest,” she says quietly.
I shrug. “It was all of us.”
But that’s not true. I had the mattress custom made for her, and I researched the thread count and materials of each blanket carefully.
This was all made specifically for her, by me. Yes, I made sure that Hunter and Liam’s scents were on it, too, but mine is the strongest scent in the nest.
She shakes her head and sighs. “I don’t know why you’re like this,” she says, her voice low. “Just accept the compliment, or we’re not going to get anywhere.”
I feel like I’m going to jump out of my skin.
“I could say the same for you,” I say evenly. “When’s the last time you accepted praise easily for who you are or what you’ve done?”
She shifts uncomfortably and looks at the floor in defeat.
I’m the biggest asshole of the century.
Life was so much easier when it was just a contract. When I didn’t want to fall to my knees every time I look at her.
When I didn’t believe I was looking into the face of my mate.
“I’m not her,” she says carefully, still looking at the floor.
I frown. “What?”
“The other night, you talked about how you couldn’t save me. There’s no one here to save, Donovan.” She looks back up at me, her eyes shining. “I know you couldn’t save your mother. But…I’m not her.”
There’s a roaring in my ears and a pounding in my chest I’ve never experienced before.
There’s not enough oxygen in this room, suddenly.
This must be how Liam feels constantly.
“Don’t.”
It’s a simple word, one syllable, and I barely grit it out.
But April doesn’t listen.
“I don’t know what I would do if I were in your shoes,” she says softly, with a gentleness I don’t deserve. “Hunter and Liam told me about what you went through. I can’t imagine it, Donovan. And I’m so sorry.”
Something flashes in those caramel eyes that I can’t stand.
It’s pity.
“April—”
“You don’t have to save me, Donovan. And you didn’t even have to save her.”
Her eyes are glossy with sincerity, and is…is she crying ?
No.
I won’t have this conversation, ever.
I don’t want her sympathy, her apologies, or her tears for something I couldn’t do.
The misplaced grief in her eyes is too much to bear, and whatever is left of my heart fractures.
I can’t do this, not with her looking at me like that .
With putrid, disgusting, vile pity.
I’m a lit match that’s about to blow up the room. My inner Alpha roars in agony, ready to burn the packhouse down and take all four of us down with it.
She says something else, but the roaring in my ears is too loud to hear through.
I turn and leave the room, shutting the door behind me.
“Donovan!”
But the conversation won’t be done for her, and I know she’ll push until I break. Then she’ll see the monster inside me that everyone hates.
Pulling the keyring out of my pocket, I lock the door to her bedroom and head down the hallway. She won’t be able to unlock it from the other side—I just need a few minutes to cool down, then I’ll let her out.
I just can’t have her following me. I fucking can’t .
The roaring lingers in my head as I make my way to the bar, pour myself a glass of whiskey, and down it. My bandaged hand still burns from the cut as I grasp the glass.
Good. I use the pain to ground myself.
The roaring continues after another shot.
And another.
Time passes, and I ignore the soured, horrific scent of April’s agony.
I hurt her, like I always do.
But what I don’t expect is Liam’s cold voice behind me.
“What did you do?”
I turn to my packmate, whose green eyes have turned black.
He’s still as stone except for his flared nostrils. “You locked her in her room?” His voice is quiet and low. “Donovan, what the fuck did you do?”
I stare at him, unable to give him a reasonable answer.
Liam chuckles bitterly, then lets out a shaky breath. “You’re no longer welcome here,” he says cooly. “You need to get the fuck out, now. This isn’t your home any longer.”
I frown, the alcohol making my head fuzzy. “What?—”
A fist flies at me so hard my head snaps back and my glass drops. “ AN HOUR? ” Hunter roars so loud my ears ring. “She was locked in there an hour ?”
He punches me again, and I let him. I let my best friend beat the shit out of me, and I don’t fight back.
An hour? I left her in there for an hour?
“Do you realize what you’ve done?” Hunter screams, his eyes wild. “That’s her trigger, you stupid fucking piece of shit! ”
I blink.
I didn’t think?—
“No, you didn’t fucking think!” I realize I’ve spoken aloud as another fist flies at me. Liam hauls me out of the barstool as horror races through me.
That’s April’s trigger.
I locked her in that room, and I’m no better than that piece of shit that I had killed.
I don’t fight back at all. I let Hunter and Liam pummel me until I taste blood on my lips and my face aches.
I triggered April. I locked her in a room with no way out.
I did exactly what was done to her all those months ago.
I forced her to relive a memory.
And as Liam and Hunter toss me outside of the packhouse, I realize what I’ve done is unforgivable.
I’ve irrevocably damaged our relationships beyond repair.
I’ve ruined the pack.