26. Lilah
26
Lilah
I stayed like that for most of the morning with Emmett and Killian. The three of us cuddled, and it was...nice.
Yes, I felt like a traitor to myself by thinking that, but I couldn’t deny that they offered me something I desperately needed—contact and comfort. I might not be able to remember exactly what had happened to me while I was at the rehab facility, but I knew that it was bad. The few snippets of memory that I did have made me shiver every time one of them popped to the forefront of my mind, and every time that happened, one of my alphas made sure to soothe me until I was a puddle of calm omega again.
Although I didn’t particularly want to see him, Oliver’s absence was notable. I thought several times about whether or not I wanted to ask where he was, but every time, I chickened out.
I knew that he and I were going to have to face each other eventually, but I was hoping that that moment would be later rather than sooner. Yes, that made me cowardly—but I knew myself well enough to know there was no way I would handle it well if I saw or scented him right now.
By the time noon rolled around, my stomach was growling, and I could tell that Killian and Emmett were both getting a little bit antsy. I had the feeling that they would have spent the entire day in bed with me if possible, but when they glanced at each other over my shoulder, I knew something was up.
“What is it?” I asked. I forced myself to sit, gasping a little as I did so. I was shaking, and not light, feminine tremors that could be explained away. No, these were full-body shakes, as if I were going through withdrawals of some kind, and Killian immediately sat up, wrapping his arms around me from behind and steadying me.
Killian let out a long, slow sigh as he gently turned me to face him. “We’re having a doctor come to the house to see you today,” he said in a low, earnest voice. He looked at me with wide eyes, their green sparkling, as he searched my face for any sign of distress.
There was a low flicker of said distress in my belly, but I nodded. “Okay,” I managed, my voice a little raspy. “That makes sense. When are they going to be here?”
Emmett sat up, his hair slightly rumpled from laying down and having my fingers in it, and he picked up his phone from the bedside table. “In about twenty minutes.”
I nodded again, already mentally preparing myself to see someone else—a stranger with whom I had no connection. This was going to suck . “Okay.” I paused, then said, my voice even shakier, “Is Oliver going to be there?”
Emmett and Killian glanced at each other again, and then, with a mildly guilty look on his face, Killian nodded. “He has to be, baby girl,” he said, his eyes pleading with me. “He has to be informed about how to care for you, the same as we do. Please tell me that you understand.”
I swallowed the nausea from the thought of being near Oliver and slowly nodded. “Yeah. Of course I understand.”
They both looked at me for another long moment, knowing this was an impossible situation. Oliver had to be there—he was Prime Alpha—so we had no choice but to be near each other.
I wondered if the doctor would mind examining me in wolf form but tried to push the thought down.
Buck up. You’re no coward. You can face him.
No matter how much my rational mind tried to convince me of that, my body didn’t seem to get the memo. I hopped in the shower for a moment, rinsing the sweat and pheromones from the morning off my body, and when I came out, my hands started shaking again.
Emmett was waiting in the room for me, fully dressed, when I walked out. I wore one of Killian’s shirts and a loose pair of shorts that had been left outside the door for me, and it made me feel marginally better to be so completely covered ahead of seeing Oliver.
Not that anything was going to happen between us, of course. He probably wasn’t even going to look my way after everything that had happened.
The thought sent a pang of pain through the faint bond in my chest, and I couldn’t stop myself from whimpering. My blood pressure rose, and my head started to pound. My hands flew up to my head, trying to rub away the sudden ache, and Emmett was immediately there, wrapping his arms around me.
“It’s okay. It’ll be okay,” he whispered, his breath puffing out over the top of my damp hair.
I clutched to him, not saying anything—what else was there to do? My rational mind screamed that I was overreacting, but my body was in full panic mode. I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack, and I just...didn’t know how to handle it.
Only Emmett’s arms around me kept me calm enough to take several deep breaths and rest my forehead against his chest.
“Let’s get this over with,” I mumbled.
Emmett didn’t say anything else, merely nodding and taking my hand as we exited Killian’s room. The house was quiet as we made our way through it, and my hand tightened in his as we reached the main floor and the first faint whiffs of Oliver’s scent hit my nose.
“It’s okay,” Emmett said quietly.
I swallowed and then nodded, and we followed the faint sounds of conversation to the main dining room, where I heard the distinct sounds of Oliver’s and Killian’s voices—and an unfamiliar woman’s voice that made my instincts go even more on high alert.
I didn’t want to do this. I knew that I had to do this, but fuck, I didn’t want to do this.
I swallowed again and plastered a smile across my face before releasing Emmett’s hand, and I shoved my way into the dining room unceremoniously. Killian and Oliver were standing side by side when I walked in, talking to a woman wearing a pale pink shirt and jeans under a white doctor’s coat, and I mentally rolled my eyes at the cliche.
I knew that I was coming down to see a doctor. She didn’t need to go out of her way to dress the part. In fact, it only reminded me of...
Flashes of memory hit me all at once, and I flinched, stopping in my tracks. I squeezed my eyes shut, ignoring the way that my head immediately throbbed, and only Emmett’s warmth at my back stopped me from turning on my heel and running away immediately.
“Lilah.” The woman’s voice was warm and soothing, and I let out a tiny whimper before I opened my eyes and looked at her. She had approached me while my eyes were closed, and the sympathy on her face as she looked at me was painful. I took a deep breath, noting her subtle beta scent, and then I reached out for her with one hand.
“Hi.” We clasped hands, and I struggled to contain my anxiety as my eyes flicked over to Oliver. His scent was heavy in the air, making my heart rate and my pheromones go crazy, and his expression was almost painfully neutral as he looked at me. He was dressed just as well as he always was, wearing a white button-down and light gray slacks, his hands tucked into his pockets as he watched.
Only his eyes told the storm of emotions that were inside him, emotions that I could still faintly but explicitly taste through the bond, despite everything: worry, concern, guilt, and regret so strong that it spread over my tongue like ash.
I flinched a little, and his face twitched in kind. He pressed his lips tightly together, then nodded at me. “Sorry,” he murmured. “I’ll be over...here.”
Before I could marvel at the sight of such a powerful alpha seeming so uncertain—and over me —he turned on his heel and walked away. My heart leaped into my throat, and for a moment, I thought he would leave the house entirely despite what Killian and Emmett had said to me.
I shouldn’t care so much if he did, especially when my body was fucking protesting being near him, but it still fucking hurt.
Thankfully, he didn’t go far. He retreated to the corner of the room, as far away as he could be from me while still in the confines of the room, and then he ran one hand through his neat blond strands before turning his attention back to the doctor and nodding. “Please proceed, Lisa.”
I returned my attention to the doctor, who looked at me kindly and gently led me to a seat in the middle of the room without touching me. “Here, Lilah. Please, sit down.”
I submitted for the exam, only flinching the tiniest bit when I glanced Oliver’s way. He stayed in his corner, watching me carefully as my blood pressure was taken and my heart and lungs listened to. The doctor checked my nails, making a soft tsking sound when she saw how they were bitten down to the quick, and her expression was softly sympathetic when she checked my eyes, nose, ears, and throat.
I felt like a bug under her microscope, and only Killian touching me on the shoulder every few minutes while she touched me was enough to keep me from flying off the handle.
She asked me a few questions about how I was feeling. I steadfastly ignored Oliver’s heavy gaze on me as I answered, describing the shakiness and lightheadedness I was feeling, the fear that was flooding me like the world’s worst aphrodisiac.
She nodded and finally sat back when I was done, leaning her hip against the dining room table and clasping her hands in front of her hips as she looked at me. She twisted her mouth in sympathy, then turned her attention to the three alphas who were hovering and watching her with equal expressions of concern and fear.
“Well,” she said, her gentle voice ringing in the dead silence of the room. “As I’m sure you’re already aware, Lilah is suffering from Bond Rejection Syndrome. If I had to make an assessment of intensity, I would say it’s fairly acute.” She turned her attention to me, and her expression softened again. “I’m sorry that you’re going through this, Lilah. I’m sure this must be very difficult.”
I nodded, not saying anything—what the hell was there to say to that?
With me sufficiently placated, she turned her attention back to my alphas, her expression growing much more stern, especially when she looked at Oliver. “Recovery from this condition won’t be easy. If you’re not planning on bonding with her anytime soon, or if she hasn’t consented, that’s fine. She’ll be ready when she’s ready.” She glanced at Killian when she said that, and to his credit, my chaotic alpha barely flinched at the subtle reprimand.
“In the meantime, though, she’ll be dealing with varied symptoms—high blood pressure, tachycardia, migraines, low blood sugar, low blood pressure, dizzy spells, lack of appetite, depression, anxiety...”
My stomach sank as she continued to describe the various symptoms that I was going to be experiencing. I shook my head, ignoring the way that the tiny voice in my head gnawed at me, telling me I should just leave and take away the issues I was bringing to this pack with me.
I reminded myself that they directly caused this particular laundry list of issues, and the least they could do was help me get back on my feet until I was ready to leave.
Even as the thought crossed my mind, the faint bond in my chest twinged with irritation at the thought of leaving. My hand flew to my sternum, rubbing the spot there, and I let out a tiny whimper as I struggled to keep my breathing under control.
Killian was immediately at my side, kneeling and taking my hand. His green eyes were wide behind his glasses when he looked up at me, his curls slightly disheveled. When I squeezed his hand back, he offered me a small, encouraging smile.
I swallowed and then winced again when Oliver’s voice sounded. “So, what do we need to do to help her get better?”
His voice was soft and unobtrusive, and I could tell he was trying to disturb me as little as possible, to make himself as unseen and unheard as he could. But his scent was still disturbing my nose, and my body was reacting to it—and more than that, the faint hint of despair in his voice as he asked the doctor the question almost hurt more than the way my body was rebelling.
The bond was painful, and my omega instincts cried out for me to go over to my alpha, calm him down, make him better, and help him see that this situation wasn’t all that bad.
Of course, that would be disingenuous. It was that bad, and a vindictive part of me was glad he was feeling the weight of guilt for his actions. This wasn’t going to be an easy journey for any of us, and if he was feeling even a hint of the same amount of hurt that I was...well, all the better.
“Offer comfort and make sure her physical needs are met,” the doctor responded, looking at me with sympathy glimmering in her eyes. “You won’t want to eat most of the time, but calories are necessary to help you get through this. The same goes for hydration. You must sleep well and as often as your body needs. If you neglect your needs, this will take much longer to overcome.”
I squirmed a little. “And the rest?” I asked hesitantly. “The...emotional shit?”
She nodded. “Time, and like I said, comfort. Your body needs to know that you won’t be rejected again.” She paused, then said, more hesitantly, “Going to your nest will help.”
My eyes immediately slammed shut, and a choked sound of pain escaped me.
“She won’t be doing that until she’s ready,” Oliver said harshly. I curled in on myself at the bark in his voice, though it wasn’t directed at me, and there was a long, meaningful pause afterward.
I didn’t look up, instead focusing on the way that Killian’s fingers were soothingly rubbing back and forth across my knuckles, calming my panicked response. I could practically feel that Oliver and the doctor were glaring at each other, and I knew that I should speak up and explain exactly what had happened. She clearly knew something , based on how she had brought up my nest, but the full details were clearly still a mystery to her.
I just...couldn’t bring it up. My mind rejected talking about it. I wasn’t going to. I wasn’t.
“Very well, then,” the doctor said crisply. She set something down on the table—a card, I saw when I glanced out of the corner of my eye—and then I heard footsteps. “If anything comes up, and I mean anything, call me immediately. This is a very delicate situation, and if she takes a turn for the worst, things could go very badly very quickly.”
She left the room, and a second set of footsteps followed. I could tell without looking up that Oliver was the one who’d followed her out of the room. I let out a shaky breath as his scent dissipated slightly from the air, and Killian squeezed my hand.
“This is going to fucking suck, isn’t it,” I muttered.
I chanced a peek up at him, and he offered me a small, humorless smile as Emmett joined him on the other side of me, rubbing my back with a gentle hand.
“We’re here for you every step of the way,” Killian said softly.