Chapter 35
I SUCK AT APOLOGIES, SO UNFUCK YOU OR WHATEVER
WADE - ONE WEEK LATER
Iwalk through the doors of the station with my duffle bag draped over my shoulder. I pause looking through the doorway into the kitchen to see if Major or Jasper have arrived yet, but as usual, I’m the first one here for our shift.
I two-finger wave at Roy and he tips his chin at me as I continue walking toward my room. He covered for me earlier in the week so I really owe him one.
Lily woke up with a fever the day after Christmas and even though she looked like she was feeling fine, I didn’t feel comfortable leaving her with Rachel.
Honestly, I just wasn’t ready to come in and face either one of the guys, so I called out and Roy stepped in to cover.
Apparently Jasper called out as well and Major had no issues texting us telling us to stop being babies and avoiding our issues.
Other than that group text chain, I haven’t talked to either one of them since Christmas Eve.
I’m prepared for today to be awkward as fuck with what happened between all of us, especially between me and Jasper.
On Christmas morning, we all returned to the station with a sliver of hope that she could be there. We remained silent when we pulled up to the station and that signature mint green Ford Bronco of hers was gone.
The only evidence signifying everything was real was the bandana that was still splayed out on the floor as we parked the truck.
Still, we all walked into the break room, silently praying she would still be there, but she was really gone.
I stared at the couch where she sat when she found out her friends and ex betrayed her and my heart broke for her again.
I hated the last moments with her, when she thought I didn’t care about her or how she was feeling.
Because that wasn’t the case at all. It was a sense of de-ja-vu for me.
My ex left me with our daughter and ran off with my best friend.
The words were there on the tip of my tongue to tell her she wasn’t alone, but I froze.
I didn’t know how to comfort her or what to do and I hated how strong my feelings were for someone I just met.
So, instead of confronting those feelings and sharing my past, I remained quiet and reserved so she just assumed I was being a prick. Then that goddamn fire alarm went off and I ran out of here like this was the room that was on fire. I’m disgusted with myself with how I acted, how I treated her.
The fire we got called to that night was a Class C electrical fire in a large commercial building.
Fortunately the building was empty since it was a holiday, but we couldn’t extinguish it by customary methods and it took longer for us to put it out.
By the time we finished and got back it was well after ten in the morning.
So, naturally I ignored any conversation that could have been brought up and snatched up the Lego fire truck that Abby and I built then went home as quickly as I could.
Lily was happily playing with Daisy, the cabbage patch doll Abby gave her and her new obsession.
I was shocked to find she wasn’t sucking on the pacifier that she relies on so much because she said she’s a big girl who needs to take care of Daisy and big girls don’t need pacifiers.
Then asked where Abby was.
My daughter was just as smitten with Abby, too.
Can’t say I blame her.
The level of exhaustion I felt after the day and night we had was easily ignored by the smile plastered on my baby girl's face as she opened all her presents. It was the first year she really understood who Santa Claus is and that Christmas day equates to presents. Her excitement was contagious.
For the first time, I felt bothered that we didn’t have someone to share it with.
You would think I would daydream about what it would be like to have Lily’s mom in the picture, to be the happy family we were supposed to be.
But, instead my thoughts trailed back to Abby, Jasper, and Major.
Because that’s who feels like family to me.
I’ve had a week to overthink what happened on Christmas Eve and dissect my relationship with Major and Jasper. I feel like I’ve spent every minute of this past week pondering the what if’s and possible scenarios.
I’ve always had a strong, reliable relationship with Major and Jasper.
Even though Jasper and I had our issues, the three of us have always been stronger together than we were apart.
Our relationship was always platonic, never sexual, but Abby changed that.
She brought out what Jasper and I were suppressing for so long and I’ve finally come to accept it for what it is.
I want us to be more than friends but I also want Abby, and what Major brings. Because, somehow for some reason, when it was the four of us, it felt complete.
It’s totally unconventional but somehow I always end at the conclusion that a four-way relationship between all of us is worth exploring.
And after a week-long come-to-Jesus talk with myself, I’m confident walking into the station today to tell Major and Jasper that.
It’s New Year's Eve and I’m ready to make a permanent resolution for all of us.