Chapter 36
JASPER
This is the first day I’ve ever walked into this station with a feeling of dread. I’ve never let other people’s emotions or thoughts change my behavior or drive my actions but for some reason I can’t let go of what happened last week.
Abby opened something up in all of us that was dormant and her presence was like a volcanic eruption that was doomed to happen.
I’m not the type of person to typically feel regret and I still don’t, I think.
No, I know I don’t. I don’t regret what happened. But I’m terrified of the unknown, of how Wade will respond to me now that it has happened.
I’m fearful of the consequences. But I guess that’s what true regret is, right?
You never feel the heaviness of your decisions, unless you don’t like the outcome.
I’m going to plaster on the face that I’ve perfected over the years and pretend like nothing happened. Like he didn’t push me away, literally kicking me while I was down in the most compromising position, because that’s what’s best right now.
If I’ve come to learn anything about Wade, it’s how he’ll just completely ignore an emotional confrontation to avoid conflict.
And, I accept it because it’s part of who he is.
Usually I stop to say hi to everyone when I first walk in, but I’m not in the mood today, so I pass by the break room and head straight to the room that I’ve shared with Wade for so many years.
I’m not surprised when I walk through the doorway to see him unpacking the clothes from his duffle bag. He’s always the first one here, but I still say, “Oh, hey, you’re here,” like it’s not normal.
He visibly stiffens as he drops his arms to his side and I’m preparing myself for the same anger and frustration he normally spits back at me.
Lay it on me, Wade. I won’t fight back with you anymore. I’m too in love with you now.
I silently admit the confession to myself.
Then proceed with the internal introduction to my own 12 step program.
Hi, my name is Jasper and I fell in love with three people on Christmas Eve. Nothing will ever make me feel whole again and I’m just trying to survive.
Hi, Jasper. I cheer myself on.
Wade finally turns around with a frown I don’t recognize.
He takes one step in my direction, then another long stride and I brace myself, squinting one eye shut as I dip my chin away.
Instead of a brute fist to my face, I’m shocked when he grabs my neck and pulls my face into his, planting his lips against mine.
What. The. Fuck.
I question it, but for only a millisecond because the moment his hot tongue sweeps over mine I moan and melt straight into him. Pretty much forgiving him instantly.
He kisses me like it means something to him. His touch is full of conviction, unlike the Truth or Dare kiss we had. That was amazing, don’t get me wrong. But his body reacted to me with more anxiety and nerves than with lust.
This…this is pure need. Like his body needs this to survive.
“Holy shit,” I breathe out as he pulls away. Sucking in a deep breath, I try calming my racing pulse after that unbelievably mind blowing kiss. “I was not expecting that. I thought you were going to punch me.”
“I thought about it,” he bounces his head back and forth, “there was like a fifty-fifty chance.” He pauses, his throat bobs as he swallows thickly. “but then I saw you and couldn’t help myself.” A rare, shy smile graces his face and damn, it’s a priceless sight.
“Well…I am charming, you know. Impossible to resist. It’s a known fact,” I joke playfully, because I already know how hard that was for him to admit, and this will be better…for now.
He steps back, running his hand through his thick, wavy hair.
He turns his gaze away, with a slight look of shame, before focusing back on me again.
“I’m sorry, Jasper. I didn’t understand my feelings and I treated you like shit, and I’m sorry.
” Genuine remorse laces his tone and I hate how hard he’s being on himself.
If anyone can relate to not knowing what to do with mixed feelings about the same gender, it’s me.
I want him to know that it’s okay and I forgive him but I also need him to know exactly how I feel about him, about what happened and he needs to know how serious I am.
“I understand why you reacted the way you did and it’s okay.
” I tilt my head to reach his gaze that still peers toward the ground.
“I get it, I really do. But, I need you to know that this isn’t just a fling for me.
I want this,” I gesture my finger between the two of us, “and I don’t want to give up on the idea of all of us. What happened on Christmas Eve—”
“I want that, too,” he interrupts. “All of it. I have no idea what it looks like or how it’s going to work, but I want to try.”
“Well, I’m glad that’s out of the way,” Major chimes in, surprising us both.
His arms are crossed, one leg over the other as he leans in the doorway like he’s been planted there for a decade, comfortable and smug.
Voyeuristic bastard.
“How long have you been there?” I furrow my brow.
“Long enough.” He smiles, as he pushes himself off the wall and steps into the room with us.
It feels like how it’s always felt. Like we’re a cohesive team, who respect each other, but there is a deeper, more meaningful connection now, there’s just one important piece missing.
”Are we going to do this?” Major asks, as he looks between us.
I glance at Wade as he side-eyes me and our knowing smiles mirror each other.
“Hell yeah,” I reply at the same time Wade nods with a rare smile.
“Good. Let’s go get our girl.”