CHAPTER 16
I was dying for a cigarette. I sat cross-legged on my bed, painting my nails to keep from biting them. I had no excuse to leave the house, and no way could I light up without my mom finding out. I blew on the black lacquer, tapping my foot impatiently. It was Friday night. I wondered what everyone was doing. I wanted to call Charlie, but I just couldn’t. I didn’t want her to view me as a little, annoying kid always tagging along. If she wanted to hang out with me, I’d wait for her to call.
I just might be waiting forever.
I thought about Ben and Toby and Jessie. I wondered if they were sitting in the same spots on Ben’s nice leather sectional, eating handfuls of munchies and smoking weed and laughing soundlessly as Half Baked played on the big screen. Even that would be better than staying alone in my bedroom all night.
Just then—like an answer from heaven—my cell phone started to ring, lost in the bottom reaches of my purse. I fell to my knees, wet nails and all, and dug through the bag until the purple Nokia was safe in my hand. It was Charlie.
“Mac, what happened last night?” She asked. “Why didn’t you come with us?”
“Oh…” I felt the heat rush to my cheeks. “I just wanted to walk.”
“How come? What did Grey say to you?”
I groaned.
“Come on, was it bad? I thought you two were going to be something.”
“So did I.” I sighed and took her through the whole conversation. “He just wanted to make sure I didn’t think I was like, his girlfriend or something now.”
“Really? That sucks. ”
“I know. I thought we hit it off.”
“Hmmm…” Charlie paused in thought. “Well…why don’t you come out tonight? Take your mind off things?”
“Oh, I don’t know…” I wanted to, I really did, but the thought of seeing Grey again made me uneasy. Still excited, but uneasy. I didn’t know how to act around him now.
“Come on. Just you and me…no boys allowed. We’ll have a slumber party. A tequila slumber party. And tomorrow, you can come with me to see the guys play.”
I laughed out loud. It sounded like a ton of fun, and the thought of seeing Grey with a microphone again made it all the more enticing. “Oh, I’d love to, I really would. I don’t know…I could check with my mom.”
“Do it.”
“I’m in my pyjamas still.” I laughed again.
“That’s perfect. We’re having a slumber party, remember? Go talk to your mom and call me back. I’ll come pick you up.”
“Okay. Are you sure? You wouldn’t rather go out with your friends or something?”
“Mackenzie, you are my friend. Now shut up and go talk to your mom.”
I was laughing as I hung up the phone. I smiled. I couldn’t believe I’d ever thought badly of Charlie. She was so awesome, so cool, and really, really nice.
She wasn’t Riley, but was fast becoming a close second.
“Ready?”
“Ready.”
“One, two, three…go!”
Quickly, without looking, breathing or smelling, I flipped up my shot glass and forced down the strong, pungent tequila in one gulp. It burned all the way down.
“Woooooh!” Charlie screamed, filling up our shot glasses again.
I giggled and clutched the counter for support. After convincing my mom that Charlie and I would spend a quiet night in front of a chick flick or two, my friend had picked me up—half-cut already—and we’d been drinking tequila ever since.
We were alone at her house; she’d told Zack specifically it was girls only tonight. Charlie was still fairly dressed up from work, she wore some tight black capris and a red low-cut blouse. I felt kind of plain compared to her, in my jeans and white Deftone’s t-shirt. But I was comfortable.
And I was drunk .
“Hit this, bitch.” She pointed to the shot and clambered up onto the counter, far less than gracefully. I laughed, throwing my head back.
“Okay, but then a break.” I was only partially aware I couldn’t speak coherently.
“One, two…go!”
This shot burned less than the one before it, even less than its predecessors. I barely sucked the lime over my numb lips.
“K, k enough, enough.” I waved my arm wildly at her. My limbs didn’t seem to be connected to my body anymore. The room wavered dizzily. I grabbed a smoke and stumbled my way to the couch, flopping onto it heavily.
“You can’t hold your liquor.” Charlie accused. She laughed from her perch on top of the counter and poured herself another shot.
“Can too.” I stared blearily at the TV screen. Noise was definitely coming from the box but I couldn’t make out the picture. I lit my cigarette after a few unsuccessful tries and smoked quietly a moment, a bizarre perma-grin plastered to my face.
“Wooooh!” Charlie exclaimed again. I heard her glass strike the counter and smiled, even though I was already smiling.
“One day, maybe you’ll be able to out-drink me…maybe…” Charlie’s voice floated to me from somewhere, but I couldn’t really hear her anymore. I wasn’t paying attention. The room started to spin. My lips went numb. My mouth started to sweat.
“Charlie…” I groaned.
She ran to me at the same time I pushed myself off the couch. Her hands grasped me around the waist and she ushered me towards the bathroom as quickly as possible, but I knew I wasn’t going to make it. Just as we reached the door, I threw up.
“Dammit, Mackenzie. Get up.” Charlie yanked me over to the toilet by my armpits, just in time for me to retch again. My entire body heaved. My nose burned. I could feel tears squeezing from my eyes.
“Damn, girl. When did you last eat something? It’s like, entirely clear.”
“Dunno…,” I mumbled. I spit into the toilet and experimented with opening my eyes. The room had stopped spinning. The floor in the bathroom was cold; it felt nice. I blinked stupidly into the bowl for a minute, then lifted my head and rested it on the seat. Charlie flushed the toilet.
“Better?” Charlie asked, standing over me, grinning. She was holding my hair, smoothing it back with her hand.
“I think so.” I nodded.
“Can you get up? ”
“I’ll try.” Already I felt better. Less sick, but still drunk. Weakly, I pushed myself up off the floor, using Charlie’s hands to help me.
“You got it all over you.” She laughed, undoing my jeans, pulling them off, manipulating my slack arms to remove my shirt. “Go to the kitchen and get some crackers or something to eat. I’ll find you something to wear and deal with…these.” She held my soiled clothes far away from her body and made a face. I giggled.
“Okay. Okay. Thanks, Charlie, my love…” I leaned against the wall for support, laughing, and made my way to the kitchen. I felt great again, happy, not so dizzy.
“One shot…hey! More tequila!” I sang to myself, giggling as I opened and slammed Charlie’s cupboards, looking for crackers. “Two shots…hey, hey!” I did a little spin, grabbed a cigarette, lit it, and blew the smoke at the overhead light, still dancing. “Three shots, hey—”
Holy shit. I stopped dead in my tracks and stared, my jaw open in horror, my cheeks flaming a sudden, alarming red. I covered my mouth with my hand.
“How long have you been standing there?” I asked, my voice barely a squeak, full of embarrassment.
“A few minutes.” Grey cleared his throat and smirked sexily at me. He had a large blue Tool hoodie on—it brought out the blue of his eyes. His hair was hidden beneath a black hat. “Long enough to see the show. And you think I’m talented.”
He was referring to my stupid little song and dance number. I put my head in my hands and laughed. “We were doing tequila…”
“Mackenzie?”
“Yes?” I looked up at him, biting my lip. He stared at me, and I watched as his eyes traced over my figure, from my calves to my face, slowly, taking in every detail.
I felt heat in my cheeks. “What?”
He glanced up at my eyes again, distracted from his study by the sound of my voice. Grey’s expression was hard to read, but his blue eyes seemed…soft somehow. Like he was thinking tender thoughts.
“Um…” he smiled at me, pointing downwards.
Then I realized. I gasped in renewed horror.
Looking down, I had expected to see my shirt and jeans…but was greeted instead by the sight of my pink bra, the tight skin of my stomach, my belly button ring and my black VS boy shorts. I was in my bra and panties. I was in my underwear. In front of Grey. I looked up at him quickly, mortified .
His face comforted me, though. Grey was staring at me with admiration. He smiled and looked me over again. I didn’t know what to do; I was torn, wanting to both cover myself up but also wanting him to see. I hoped I looked okay. I hoped I looked skinny and pretty. I knew if I hadn’t been so drunk, I’d never still be standing there in my underwear.
I would’ve died of embarrassment by now.
“I threw up…” was my explanation. I shrugged and smiled at him.
“Thank goodness for that.” He grinned.
“What are you…what are you doing here?” I wondered. “This was supposed to be girls only. Hence…” I waved a hand over myself and the obvious lack of clothing.
“This is what girls do at sleepovers?” he smirked again, “I’m getting invited to the next one.” I giggled with him. “No. I don’t know. Zack told me to meet him here after practice. He just had to go pick up some shit. Oh, wait.” He turned and looked out the window at the headlights that shone up suddenly. “Here they are now. Take this.”
Quickly Grey unzipped his hoodie, revealing a plain white tee underneath, and stepped over to me. I prayed I didn’t smell like tequila vomit. He held up the sweater, and I turned to shove my arms through the sleeves, my skin tingling at the proximity of his body to my bare flesh. I turned around again, and he slowly zipped the sweater up, his fingertips brushing me lightly as he did so, sending shivers through me.
My body sang at his touch, however slight.
I somehow found the courage to meet his eyes. We stood so close…the air between us was charged, thick almost. I swallowed and parted my lips…
“Oh yeah. We’re going to kick ass tomorrow.” The front door slammed, jarring us out of our moment. I stepped back from Grey, taking a deep, steadying breath, hiding behind the island as Zack and Alex barged through the door. My cheeks were still flushed. I hoped they wouldn’t notice.
Grey’s hoodie smelled amazing. While the guys greeted each other, I buried my nose in the soft, warm fabric that had rested near his neck. It was warm, sweet but masculine, with a hint of cigarette smoke. I breathed deep.
“What the fuck?” Charlie came down the hallway, her hands on her hips. She smiled as Zack kissed her. “I thought I told you we were having a girl’s night.”
“Oh, yeah. We vetoed that.” Zack grinned, his box of beer clinking as he set it on the counter.
“Mac. Nice sweater.” Alex winked at me, passing by on his way to the fridge, his long, browny-blonde hair in a knot on the top of his head .
“Looks good on her, don’t you think?” Grey asked. He was alarmingly close again, standing just behind me. His hand trailed lightly down my arm.
“Looks better off.” He murmured, for my ears only.
After I changed, I handed Grey back his sweater. Charlie had lent me a snug, long-sleeved black t-shirt and some jeans to wear, her eyes bright with laughter when I told her what happened with Grey, how he’d seen…basically everything. And didn’t seem to mind. It didn’t mean anything, though; of course, it didn’t—what heterosexual guy would object to seeing a half-naked chick?
He was just in it for fun. He was just in it for fun. I had to keep running the sentence over and over in my head. I wouldn’t be the stupid, na?ve seventeen-year-old again. I could be mature like them. I could keep my cool. I could have fun and make out with a boy without forming any kind of attachment.
Yeah, right.
I knew I didn’t have a hope. I knew I’d be passionately in love with Grey, no matter what I told myself. He just had that hold on me. Like Riley said, he had a “power” over me. It was true.
I watched Grey from the couch…watched the way he moved, the way he chased a rail, the way he smiled and laughed and adjusted the hat on his head….wishing he felt more for me than just a passing interest. Wishing he saw me as more than just someone to fool around with.
I also knew it didn’t matter, not now. I would be whatever he’d let me be.
“Can you give this to Mackenzie?” Charlie handed Grey a slice of pizza she’d warmed for me. “She hasn’t eaten in like, three days.”
“What are you, anorexic?” Zack wondered.
“Not on purpose,” I decided, watching in delight as Grey sauntered over. He sat next to me on the couch and handed me the plate, his smile melting me into the cushions.
“How does someone accidentally become an anorexic?” He wondered, leaning forward, a beer in his hand, his face tilted towards me.
“I don’t know…I’ve just been preoccupied, I guess.”
“Too preoccupied to eat? You’re not sad again, are you? I thought we cured that.”
“Oh, we did.” I set the pizza down on the side table and lit a cigarette instead, settling back comfortably, “I’m just not hungry.”
“So, what happened with Riley? You two work it out? ”
I grimaced at the reminder. “Kind of? We decided…no, I guess I decided we shouldn’t be friends right now.”
“Oh yeah? Because he’s leaving?” Grey took a swig of his beer, his blue eyes totally innocent. I stared at him for a moment, trying to grasp what he was saying.
“Because he’s leaving…Riley’s leaving?” I tried to quell the panic rising in my chest. I wouldn’t freak out until I knew what Grey was talking about.
“I guess so. He came in today and gave his notice. Right after graduation, he’s going out east with some chick, for college? I thought he would’ve told you.”
“Yeah. That would be nice.” I raised my eyebrows in disbelief. Riley was leaving me for good. We’d grown apart—rapidly, too rapidly to make any sense. We’d decided not to be friends. And now he was leaving me. With the Christian.
This was worse, worse than anything before it. Even though we’d agreed to go our separate ways, deep down, I knew Riley was still around. I knew, ultimately, if I needed him, he’d be there for me. And vice versa. It went without saying; it didn’t need to be spoken. But how could that be if he wasn’t here? When was he going to tell me they were leaving? Was he going to tell me? I let out a sigh, burying my head in my hands.
“I’m sorry. I thought you knew.” Grey said. “But, since he’s quit, I’ll probably be moving to nights. So we’ll get to work together more, anyway.” He nudged me.
I straightened, managing a weak smile for him. Buoyed by the thought.
“Come on, let me cheer you up.” He nodded towards the kitchen.
“Oh, I’m not allowed.” I declined, regrettably. “Not until I’ve eaten something.”
“I can fix that for you.” He leaned over and took the pizza Charlie heated for me, folding the whole slice into his mouth. I watched him chew for a minute, laughing.
“That’s impressive.” I giggled. He mumbled something incoherently, holding up his hand for me to wait until he swallowed. He was trying not to laugh.
“Okay.” He swallowed again. “Okay. Pizza’s all gone. You’re allowed now.”
“You did that for me? How gallant.”
Grey chuckled. “Ready?” He held out his hand.
Of course I was.