CHAPTER 22
We were all a bit more subdued than normal. Zack and Charlie were at the counter island in the middle of her kitchen, playing a game of crib, dealing cards and snorting lines. I was laying on the faded old couch in the living room, oblivious to the South Park episode playing on the TV, waiting for the joint I’d just smoked to help alleviate the fearsome pounding in my head. Grey was sitting in the easy chair not far from me, silent and pensive, his face tight as he stared at the television set.
I blinked slowly, seeing nothing, thinking about boys. Why were they all so cruel, so callous and mean? First Riley had abandoned me, his best friend, with no good explanation except the sudden desire to completely change his life and leave all the old behind. So he’d left me behind, and that hurt me deeply.
Then Brad had tricked me, preying on my vulnerability and my desperation for a friend, leading me to believe he really liked me when all he wanted was to get some at the end of the night. He’d hurt me, he’d viciously attacked me, and though my bruises would heal on the outside, inside, I’d always carry the scar of his betrayal.
I shuddered, remembering Brad’s assault. My clothes still smelled like campfire. The smell reminded me sharply of the evening, of sitting by Brad and drinking and laughing and thinking how much I liked him, how much fun we were having together.
I shut my eyes drowsily, hoping for sleep, desperate to forget it all in the relative peace of my subconscious.
“Mackenzie, Mackenzie, wake up,” Grey shook me lightly on the shoulder, sending a throb of pain racing down my arm. I moaned and opened my eyes, looking directly into his face, rigid with concern as he crouched, hovering; his blue eyes avid with worry. “Try not to go to sleep, okay? For a little longer? ”
Ah, yes. And then there was Grey, the cruellest of all. How easily he’d made me love him, with his wit and his charm and his good looks and his talent. He’d trailed me along, making me believe I had a chance, making me delight in the connection I thought I’d found, the hope that we could be something together.
Then he’d rejected me, brutally. Cruelly. Breaking my heart like I was nothing to him.
Now, the worry written on his handsome face was the most confusing of all. The meanest thing he could’ve done after everything we’d been through was care. And the regret in his eyes, the anxiety in his features told me he did, that he cared more for me than I ever could’ve imagined.
How badly I wanted to believe it, to believe him. How badly I wanted to hope. But I couldn’t, I wouldn’t let myself. I’d only be setting myself up for more hurt.
And my heart couldn’t handle much more.
“I want to go home,” I whispered to him.
Gently, Grey brushed the hair out of my face. “You do?”
I nodded as gingerly as I could to try and spare my aches and pains. “Yes.”
“I’ll get Charlie to give you a ride.”
“No.” I protested. “I want to walk.”
“I’ll go with you then.”
“No, you don’t have to—”
“I’m coming with you.” He insisted. The look he gave me was stern. I nodded, painfully sitting up, his hands warm and gentle as he helped me get to my feet.
“I’m going to take Mackenzie home.” He announced to our friends.
Charlie frowned. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? Mac, I don’t know if you should sleep after hitting your head so hard.”
“Her pupils are fine,” Zack decided then, after a studied look at my eyes. “And it’s been a few hours already. If she had a concussion or something, there’d be signs.”
“How do you know all this stuff?” I wondered weakly, made a little uncomfortable by his penetrating gaze.
“Standard lumberyard first aid.” He grinned. “You should be fine, but if anything changes, like you can’t see or you’re dizzy or throwing up and stuff, don’t be an idiot. Go to the hospital.”
Charlie gave me a hug. “I’ll call you tomorrow. Are you sure you’re okay?”
I nodded, trying to convince her. “Yeah, I just want to go home.”
“Okay.” She looked pleadingly over at Grey. “Take care of her, will you?”
He nodded, his words weighted with meaning. “I will. ”
The air was still warm outside, but I couldn’t keep a shiver from running up my spine as we stepped onto the sidewalk. I wrapped my arms around myself and stared down at the ground, trying to seem oblivious, but painfully aware of the footsteps beside mine, the silent presence so close to my side. Grey and I walked quietly a few moments, listening to the wind in the trees, the sounds of our shoes on the cement. With every step, the air seemed thicker with something…with nerves and frustration, and unspoken…impatience, almost.
Finally, Grey cleared his throat. He seemed uncomfortable beside me, fidgety. His jaw tensed a few times, and he opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out.
“I’m not very good at this.” He suddenly blurted, running a hand through his thick mess of dark hair.
I didn’t say anything, only looked over and waited for him to continue.
“I owe you an apology, Mackenzie. An explanation at the very least.”
I nodded.
“I, uh…” He looked over at me. “Does your head still hurt?”
“I’m fine.”
“Are you sure? What about your—”
“I’m fine, Grey.” I nearly snapped.
“I’m sorry.” He breathed deeply, and looked at me again, his blue eyes full of warmth and sincerity. But then he shook his head and fell silent.
We kept walking. I thought I might lose my mind with impatience, but I kept my mouth shut. He wasn’t going to get any help from me. If he had something to say to me, I wanted him to say it. I wanted to hear the words from his lips.
“We were…” He started again. “We came out there tonight so I could apologize, Mackenzie. I’ve been terrible to you.”
I had no argument for this.
“I just…I never expected to feel…I mean, when I saw you there, tonight, I almost lost it. I think I did a little. Just the thought of you hurt or sad…or…or worse…I…” He rubbed his hands over his face. “I couldn’t take it. The thought of you in pain. I was so fucking angry at that guy…but I’m even angrier at myself.”
I nodded for him to continue.
“I hate myself for hurting you. When I think about what I’ve done, what I did to you, on purpose…” He struggled for a moment. “I understand if you hate me.”
I sighed. Was that even possible? “I don’t hate you, Grey,” I admitted, softly .
“See? It’s you, right? I thought you were just like all the others, vain and petty and…boring. But you…I’ve never met anyone like you before. You’ve got this, this spark, or something. You’re alive. But I didn’t want to admit what I felt. I didn’t even know I was capable of it…you know? I tried to convince myself otherwise.”
I nodded again, trying to maintain my rigidity…but I couldn’t help myself. My heart was melting, my careful facade breaking. He was saying all the things I’d ever wanted him to say, and my poor, foolish heart could do nothing but warm to him, utterly powerless, utterly defenceless. I crossed my arms in an effort to remain untouched.
Somehow we were standing on the street in front of my house already. The blocks had vanished unnoticed behind me as we walked, completely occupied by the sound of his voice, deep and low in the quiet, speaking those impossible words to me.
We stopped and faced each other, the nearby streetlight shining softly over us, lighting our faces and casting our shadows long behind.
“Tell me why,” I demanded.
“Why? Why…I hurt you?” Grey glowered down at the ground for a moment. “Because.” He smirked sadly. “You’re so young. So…innocent. But not in a bad way, in a good way…like no one I’ve ever known before. I mean, look at you.” He did just that, his eyes soft and tender as they swept my face. “You’re so beautiful.”
My voice was faint with amazement. “You think I’m beautiful?”
He looked up at me, into my eyes, and gave a slight nod. “But that’s why I tried to…ignore what I felt. Why I tried to deny it. I mean…I could never deserve someone like you. You’re young, and sweet, and you’ve got your whole life ahead of you, and I…I’m just some old loser trying desperately not to grow up.”
“You are not a loser.” I denied vehemently, grasping his arm. “Are you kidding me? I’ve never met anyone as talented as you. You’re…amazing.”
Silence descended again. Grey crossed his arms, thinking. I watched him warily, my heart pounding furiously, forcing myself to hold back, barely containing my happiness. Waiting, biting my lip, staring up into his face.
“I know it’s wrong,” Grey spoke then. “I know it’s selfish. But I’ve never wanted anything so badly in my whole life. Not as bad as I want you.” His blue eyes blazed sincerely. “I can’t deny it anymore. But I’ve been horrible to you, so if you can’t forgive me…if you never want to see me again…I understand.”
I smiled. I couldn’t help it, I never could. I loved him.
I reached out and grasped his hand, gently, mindful of the bruised, swollen knuckles he’d battered fighting Brad. He’d fought Brad for me. For me .
“Grey, the only thing about this that could ever be wrong,” I stared up into his eyes, so he’d know I was truly serious, so he’d know I meant every word with my whole, entire heart. “Would be never seeing you again.”
He seemed overwhelmed. He just stared at me, his eyes sweeping my face, and I smiled in return, a happy giggle escaping my lips. With his fingers, he brushed the hair from my cheek, and then lifted my chin with the palm of his hand.
“Can I kiss you?” He whispered.
I wrapped my arms around his neck, bringing us closer still.
“Please.” My fingers curled into his dark, messy hair.
And when his lips touched mine, they were curved in a smile.