CHAPTER 40
We awoke the next morning wrapped up in each other and stayed that way all day. The rest of the house was dark and quiet and empty, but in Grey’s room the lights were on, the music blaring, a party taking place on his bed. We didn’t leave it for anything but food delivery. We smoked and got high and did coke and laughed and talked and kissed and made love between the rumpled sheets. It was going down in history as one of the happiest days of my life.
We talked about everything. Simple things like our favourite colour and food, TV shows and movies and bands…every new tidbit of information we learned seemed more interesting than the last. Hours went by, our tongues fuelled by cocaine, driven by sheer curiosity and utter fascination. I couldn’t get enough of him, I couldn’t learn enough—I hung on his every word, asking question after question.
He told me things about his childhood. I learned a little about the friends he’d lost touch with and the crazy BMX jumps they used to make, how he broke the same arm on three separate occasions taking those very same jumps.
He was an only child who lived on the poor side of the city. He got a paper route and saved up the money he made to purchase his very own Yamaha acoustic guitar from the Sears magazine when he was only seven.
“So, what about your parents?” I wondered carefully. He always failed to mention them; their names hadn’t come up once. I could tell it was a sensitive subject. “What do they do?” I was sitting cross-legged on the bed, leaning up against the wall, Grey’s white shirt draped over my petite frame as he lay on his side, facing me, his legs tangled up in the blankets. He avoided my gaze a moment, taking a drag of his cigarette and blowing the smoke slowly from his mouth .
“I don’t know where my parents are.” He admitted reluctantly.
“Not at all?” My dark eyes were wide with wonder.
“No. I’ve never known my dad, I don’t think he was ever around. My mom left when I was young. I haven’t heard from her since.”
I bit my lip in empathy, surprised by this new information. “Where did you go…when she left?”
“I stayed with my grandma,” Grey sighed heavily, like the topic weighed on him. “She was a far better mother than my mom ever was, from what I remember.”
“Is she still in the city?” I smiled in an effort to lighten the mood.
“No.” He grimaced. “She died when I was sixteen.”
“Oh.” I didn’t know what to say. “I’m sorry, Grey. That’s awful.”
Grey shrugged again. “I didn’t have any other family to live with, so I bounced around the system for a while. I never stayed in a foster home for more than a few months. I dropped out of high school about the same time.”
“You didn’t have anyone at all?” I was horrified by the thought. My family sucked most of the time, but at least I knew they were there. If I did lose my mom and dad, there was always an Auntie Linda and an Uncle Paul, an Uncle Pat, and a Marcy…I knew I’d be taken care of by someone. Grey had been so young when he lost his only family; he must have felt so…utterly scared and alone. My heart broke at the thought.
“I did okay. It wasn’t that bad.” His coolness almost had me convinced. If I didn’t know him as well as I did, I would’ve missed the slight sadness in his eyes, the tightness in his voice. He was more affected by the past than he let on. I could tell it was hard for him to talk about.
I smiled shrewdly. “So…what are all those?” I asked then, pointing toward the stacks of crumpled looseleaf piled on his desk. Grey looked up at me in surprise, relieved by the sudden change in topic.
“Paper.” He smirked, and I could see him relaxing. “No. It’s music.”
“Music?”
“Yes. Music.” He sighed fondly at me. “Some lyrics, some melody lines, just stuff I’ve written as it comes to me.”
“You wrote all that?” I was amazed. “Can I read them?”
“Uhhhh…,” Grey hesitated, “…I don’t know.”
“Why not? I won’t laugh, I promise.”
“I know you won’t, but…” He ran a hand through his messy dark hair. “See, I find it hard to…express…myself, sometimes. Maybe you’ve noticed.” He chuckled .
I nodded; I knew exactly what he was talking about. “But, it’s different with music.” He explained. “It’s like the one place I can just…be free, you know? I write anything that comes to my head. And some of it’s…pretty embarrassing.”
“Now I want to read them even more.” I pouted.
“Maybe another time, okay?” It was his turn to change the subject. “So, speaking of music…what’s your favourite song, Mackenzie?”
I sighed, relenting begrudgingly. “It’s “Name” by the Goo Goo Dolls.”
“That was quick.” Grey grinned at me. “You’re serious?” His smile widened. “Of all the songs in the world, your favourite is “Name” by the Goo Goo Dolls.”
“Yes.” I smiled.
“I don’t believe it.” Grey chuckled, and then he picked up his acoustic guitar. I watched in disbelief as moments later, the sweet, haunting chords of my favourite song were floating in the air, his fingers deftly strumming the notes.
He sang to me with his beautiful voice.
“Even though the moment passed me by, I still can’t turn away
All the dreams you never thought you lose got tossed along the way.
Letters that you never meant to send get lost or thrown away
And now we’re grown-up orphans that never knew their names
We don’t belong to no one, that’s a shame
But if you could hide beside me
maybe for a while
I won’t tell no one your name …
And I won’t tell ‘em your name…”
I blinked back sudden, happy tears as Grey sang the song, his voice soft and raspy, touching my very heart. His blue eyes smiled at me as he played, enjoying my reaction to his tune. I couldn’t even help myself…he just…moved me.
“You play so beautifully.” I shook my head in admiration. I’d never met anyone so talented in all my life. His dreams of making it big weren’t crazy; they were inevitable. Grey finished the song, strumming out the last note so it rang in the air.
“I love you.” It was nearly bursting out of me; I just had to say it.
“What can I say?” He smirked. “The Goo Goo Dolls do it every time. ”
I didn’t want to sleep that night. I knew we had only a few precious hours left before he had to leave, and I didn’t want to waste them with unconsciousness. Grey chuckled at me, cuddled up together beneath the blankets, his lips to my ear.
“Go to sleep, Mackenzie.” He nuzzled, his voice low and drowsy.
“I can’t sleep.” My eyelids were so heavy, I struggled to keep them open. “It’s like the Aerosmith song. I don’t want to close my eyes ‘cause I don’t want to miss a thing…”
When I awoke, it was dark outside, but the moon was bright, flooding his bedroom with silvery light. It took me a moment to realize I was all alone. I stretched my arm out for Grey, and when my hand touched the empty mattress, my eyes flew open, instantly panicked he’d left for the airport already, that I’d missed his goodbye, and Grey was gone.
“Hey,” his voice calmed me. I turned over and found him sitting in a chair beside the bed. He was dressed and ready to go, his acoustic guitar on his lap. I smiled, bemused, and sat up in the sheets. His gorgeous face was barely visible in the moonlight, but I could see he was smiling at me.
“I’ve gotta go, but I just…I wanted to play you something first.”
He started strumming the guitar then. The rhythm was gentle—not quite a ballad, but not upbeat either. After the sweet, softly picked intro, Grey began to sing.
“Sitting here in the dark, Mackenzie’s next to me.
She’s lying in the moonlight, shining silver in the sheets.
And though it pains me so, it’s time for me to go.
I’ve got to leave Mackenzie lying all alone.”
The chords changed, the strumming got stronger as he entered the chorus.
“Mackenzie, I hope you miss me
When I’m gone, when I’m gone.
I gotta go now, but you need to know how
Much you’re loved, how much you’re loved…”
His voice was beautiful, silky and rough. I sat on the bed, watching and listening in utter disbelief. Grey had written me a song, and that would’ve been enough to cause the happy tears that sprang to my eyes, even if he hadn’t said he loved me. Those affectionate words rang in my head and echoed in my heart, swollen with happiness.
I smiled through my tears.
“That’s all I have so far.” He shrugged, the notes fading, his smile bashful.
“That was the most beautiful…” I shook my head, at a loss for words. I gave up speaking and crawled over the bed to him, placing my hands gently on his face, looking up into his eyes, shining silvery blue in the moonlight.
Beautiful.
“I will miss you, so much. Every minute.” I whispered. I moved my lips up to his. “I love you.”
He wrapped his arms around me, tight and warm, pulling me close, and his guitar, unheeded, slid to the floor with a noisy lurch.