CHAPTER 57
I relied heavily on cocaine for the rest of the night, to keep me going. It was amazingly easy to just bend down behind the counter and sniff some back without anyone noticing. The place was packed almost instantly, full of rowdy people. Everyone was there for a good time. It was New Year’s Eve. Champagne was flowing. Every now and then I’d look out at the sea of people in their bright party hats, laughing and dancing like they didn’t have a care in the world, and I’d imagine I was them. Before things got so out of control, I was one of them.
There for a good time. Careless. Happy.
Grey would come to visit me at the bar when the band wasn’t playing. They had five different sets to play, dispersed throughout the evening. The only time I’d smile, like really smile, was when he was with me.
“Do you get to bring that uniform home?” He wondered clandestinely, leaning over the bar to speak the words so I’d hear him over the deafening crowd.
“I think that could be arranged,” I promised slyly. I couldn’t believe he still found me attractive. I knew what I looked like. Did he actually even see me anymore? Couldn’t he see what I’d become?
“Mmm…” His blue eyes were wicked as they looked me over. “How much longer will this stupid party go for?”
“At least midnight,” I giggled. It was so easy with him, to be happy. Even despite everything else. “I think that’s the tradition, anyway.”
“Right.” He grinned.
“Will you come find me at midnight? So I can kiss you? ”
“Like I’d ever be able to turn that down.” He smirked. But apparently he couldn’t wait until midnight. He set his drink down and kissed me before he left to start another set. I smiled at his handsome face.
Even his voice helped. I could hear him singing as I worked, hear his glorious, velvet voice rasping away over the speakers, and it buoyed my spirits. I did some more cocaine, and I almost felt jovial, letting the happy little trembles erase the feeling of despair that nagged at me. When their set ended, going out on a high note of wailing guitars and screaming fans, my spirits rose even further. Grey would be with me again soon. A wide smile spread across my face. Charlie noticed as she came into the bar, her beautiful face relieved, happy, her blue eyes sparkling. She grabbed my hands and spun me around in a little dance. Our patrons cheered for us, and I was actually giggling when she finally let me go.
I stopped twirling right in front of his face.
“Mackenzie.” Riley was the only one in the entire crowd completely serious. I stopped short, surprised to find him there. He looked…had he always been this good-looking? His dark hair was buzzed short; his face, so wonderfully familiar, looked older, wiser almost. He had filled out, too; no longer was he lean and lank. He looked…he looked like a man. I cleared my throat.
“Hello, sir.” I tried to play it casual. “What can I get you? On the house.”
Riley didn’t answer me. He just stared. He stared and stared. His warm chocolate eyes didn’t leave my face for a second. It made me uncomfortable. I wanted to cringe away from his gaze because I knew Riley would see too much. Didn’t he always? Didn’t he always just…know, somehow?
The club was full of people, but suddenly there was only me and him. And all he did was stare. His expression revealed nothing; I couldn’t tell what was going through his mind, what he was thinking.
But then Grey strode up.
He was smirking as he pushed through the crowd to meet me. I looked away from Riley and watched him come, my dark eyes wide, anxious. Finally, finally Riley tore his gaze away, turning instead to glower at the man who was slowly coming toward us.
“Riley…” I warned. But it was too late.
If before Riley had been a locked box, now he was an open book. His brow furrowed with anger, his eyes glared with fury, his entire body tensed as Grey slowly sauntered over.
“What have you done to her?” Riley demanded, his voice low, controlled .
“What?” Grey looked honestly confused.
“ What have you done to her ?” Riley bellowed, loud enough to draw attention. People began to spread out, to give them room, the crowd tensing in anticipation of a fight.
“What are you talking about?” Grey glanced at me once and then back to Riley, like he really didn’t get it. I bit my lip. I wanted Riley to stop. I needed Riley to stop. For whatever reason, Grey still found me beautiful. I didn’t want him to see me…I didn’t want him to look at me differently…
“Stop it, Riley!” I demanded. I was powerless behind the bar; they were too far out of my reach. Panicked, I pushed through my co-workers and burst onto the floor. “Stop it!”
Riley grasped me by the wrist and hauled me over. It hurt; he was grabbing the exact place I’d cut myself earlier. I winced.
“Get your hands off of her,” Grey warned. I’d never heard him sound so…threatening. I looked up into his face, his handsome features hard and deadly serious, and felt actual fear for Riley. I tried to pull my hand free from his vice-like grip.
“Stop it, Riley! Please!” I pleaded.
Grey’s jaw clenched. “I mean it, asshole. Let her go.”
“ Look at her !” Riley shouted again. It all happened quickly then. Grey lunged for Riley, at the same time pulling me free of his grasp—but Riley’s hand had been so tightly clenched around my wrist that he tore the white bracelet from my arm. Before the torn pleather had a chance to hit the floor, the fight had come to a standstill.
“Mackenzie?” Grey paused in horror. He saw. He was looking at my arm, at the jagged marks the razor made when it sliced through my skin. His blue eyes narrowed with confusion, with denial, with sorrow. “…What…what happened?”
Tears swam in my eyes. I choked them back. I could have killed Riley at that moment, but instead I turned my back on him. I needed Grey to hear me. I needed him to understand.
“Grey…look, it’s nothing. It’s okay.” I insisted. I couldn’t tell if he could hear me or not, it seemed like he was in shock. His blue eyes stared at nothing. His mouth was open with dread, as if he were struggling to process it all. And then it happened.
His jaw tensed, and he looked at me. His eyes traced over me, from my head to my toes, and they filled with anguish. With the worst kind of suffering. He took in the gaunt fragility of my shoulder blades, the boniness of my face, the scrawny legs sticking out from my skirt. At the cuts on my arms, the tracks in my elbows. Grey looked at me with horror, his gorgeous blue eyes wide with dismay .
He was still gaping at me as Riley’s fist slammed into his face.
That shocked me out of my stupor. “Riley, no! What are you doing?” I lunged in between them, expecting the worst. But Grey didn’t fight back. Riley got up and shook his fist in pain, staring furiously at my boyfriend levelled on the floor. I pushed him back as hard as I could, but I barely managed to move him an inch.
“Get out of here Riley!” I shouted. “Get out of here!”
“You’re coming with me.” He decided, grasping my arm again. “Its okay, Mac. I’m going to get you out of here.”
“ No !” I panicked again. I couldn’t leave Grey now. He had to see…I needed him to see that I was okay. “No!”
The bouncers were quick to step in. They were always around, blending into the shadows, waiting for a fight caused by some cocky jerk getting rowdy. They grabbed Riley and hauled him away from me. The moment I was free I ran to Grey’s side. He was standing again, a welt across his cheekbone where Riley punched him. He wouldn’t look at me. He was like I’d been earlier, a robot, on automatic pilot as he turned and pushed through the crowd.
“Grey?” I ran to catch up with him. “What’s the matter?” It was a stupid question. I knew the answer. I just wanted him to speak to me, to acknowledge I was there.
“Everything.” His voice was flat, emotionless.
A sob caught in my throat. “Am I really that hideous?”
“No.” He stopped in his tracks, shaking his head. His eyes burning with sincerity. “You are beautiful.”
“Then what—”
“This is my fault. It’s all my fault.” He started walking again, and I had no choice but to follow him. I didn’t know where he was going until he headed up the stairs that led to the back of the stage. The other guys were there, completely oblivious to our drama, prepping for their next set.
Grey was like a sleepwalker. He sat down on a stool and started tuning his guitar, staring down at his pedal, deep in concentration. I was beside myself. I’d never seen him like that before…it actually scared me. I couldn’t imagine what thoughts were going on in his mind that could keep him so…paralyzed.
“Grey, talk to me,” I demanded. I couldn’t take it any longer. “Please, say something.”
“She was right.” He looked at me. “She was right. I am a screw up. A total loser.”
“Stop that.” I shook my head at him. “You are not a loser. ”
“No, I am. I am.” His voice was so…lifeless. “I did the same thing to her, you know. I just sat back and watched while she slowly wasted away.”
“Grey, stop it.”
“I didn’t do anything then. But I can do something now. I can do something.” He didn’t even seem to notice I was standing there. He was talking to himself and I wasn’t meant to be a part of this conversation. “I can make it right…”
“Grey, please?” Tears stung my eyes. My heart plummeted somewhere deep inside my chest, strangling the breath from my lungs. “Please?”
But then he looked straight at me. “Mackenzie, we shouldn’t be together.” His blue eyes bored into mine, and only from knowing him could I tell how much this cost. The pain was evident in his eyes, the heartbreak apparent on his face. I shook my head wildly, refusing the words.
“Grey, don’t do this. Don’t do this.”
“I can’t. I can’t do this to you anymore.”
“No. No, Grey.” The tears started flowing then, I was powerless to stop them. “We’ll…we’ll figure something out. We’ll get clean. I’ll go to rehab…something, anything. Grey, we have to be together.”
“I’m not strong enough.”
“You are. You can be. We can be together.”
“No. No, Mackenzie.” His voice found some power again, some life. “Can’t you see? I’m killing you. I’m killing you!”
“You’re not.” I grasped his hand, desperate, and raised it to my cheek. “Grey, look at me. I love you. I won’t let you leave me. You won’t. You can’t.” I sobbed. “You love me too. I know you do.”
“Of course I do.” His eyes were wild with pain. His voice was like a whisper now, harsh and choking. “But I don’t have a choice.”
“Grey—”
“Grey, man.” It was Zack. He seemed hesitant to interrupt us, but everyone was already on stage. It was time for them to play. “Come on, we’re on.”
Grey stood up, like he was on automatic pilot again, and picked up his guitar. He took to the stage, the screams deafening as he stood before the mic.
Hopelessly, I collapsed on the floor, watching him. When he started to sing, I committed the sound to memory—every melodic pitch, every word his smooth voice rumbled over. I listened to him through my tears and thought back, trying to figure out where we went wrong and how everything had fallen apart .
After everything we’d done, everything we’d gone through, how could we put it back together again? Back to the way it used to be?
The rest of the night dragged on, every second worse than the second before. I went back to the bar; I didn’t know what else to do. I felt like everyone was staring at me from the corner of their eyes, talking about me behind my back. Every breath was a shudder as I attempted to hold back my sobs. All around me, people were revelling, happy, joyful, celebrating. I hated them all.
Just before midnight, Serpentine played a wicked, hard rock version of “Auld Lang Syne.” The crowd went crazy for them. I was so proud of Grey up on the stage, in his tight jeans and his black t-shirt, with the studded leather bracelets on his wrists, the cherry red guitar held in his deft, capable hands. His dark messy hair, his gorgeous blue eyes, his cocky smirk. I loved Grey more than I could possibly love anybody. He was the only one for me, and suddenly, I was determined to make it work.
I’d do anything I had to. I’d give up heroin. I’d start that day if that’s what he needed.
The lights dimmed when the band stopped playing, and the countdown began. The club erupted with the deafening noise.
“Ten…nine…eight…seven…six…five…four…”
And then I was safe. Safe in Grey’s arms again. I don’t know where he came from, but suddenly I was swept up into his warm, strong embrace, and he crushed me to him. I clung to him just as tightly, my hands in his hair, cupping his face. Smelling his delicious cologne, pressing my lips against his neck.
“You’re right, you know. There’s no one for me but you.” He whispered.
“I know.” I giggled shakily. “I know. Grey, we can make this work.” I stared up into his eyes, trying to read them, trying to convince him.
“I’m going to make this right.” He pressed his forehead to mine, with vehemence.
“I know. I know.”
The clock struck twelve.
“Happy New Year, Mackenzie.” He smirked.
“Happy New Year, Grey,” I whispered back, through my happy tears.
We smiled at each other, for just a moment, as the crowd started screaming and cheering and clapping for the stroke of midnight.
And as Grey bent to kiss me, a smile still on his lips, it seemed like they were cheering for us.