CHAPTER 58
I couldn’t wait to go home. Grey and the guys had left the bar just shortly after midnight, and I knew exactly what they were going home to do. My craving for heroin pounded in my bones, reminding me—and I realized I couldn’t wait to be done with it all. I couldn’t wait to feel…healthy again. I knew it would hurt, I knew I’d be sick, I knew it would downright suck, but I wanted to get off the heroin.
So Grey and I could be together, so it could be pure and real, like it once was.
For the rest of my shift, I tried to picture our new life together. It seemed right that it was New Year, a time for new beginnings, a time to leave behind the old and start afresh. As people screamed their drink orders at me and I worked in a frenzy to fill them, all I could envision was Grey and me, our future together, sober and happy. We could do it; I knew we could. I felt hope again; it surged within me.
When the party finally came to a close, when I finally made it home—shivering from the cold—I bounded into the house. I couldn’t help myself. I felt optimistic. Positive. More so than I had in a long time.
Even with the start of the sickness pressing in, I gave Alex and Zack a happy smile as I burst into the living room. They both sat slumped over on the couch, nodding off in front of the TV.
Not even the beading cold sweat could dampen my mood. “Hey guys, great show tonight!” I practically sang. It took a moment before either of them could respond.
“Oh, thanks, Mac.” Alex smiled drowsily. “It was…really…good…”
I giggled at him. “Is Grey in our room?”
“Yeah… ”
I nearly ran down the hall to our bedroom, my eyes adjusting to the dim light within. The bedside lamp was on, and I could see Grey lying on the bed, our supplies scattered in front of him. I grinned understandably. I couldn’t begrudge him one last hit, one last time before we started our new life, our clean life. Maybe I’d have one too—just one more to tide over the sickness until he awoke, and then we could do it together, could go through it together.
I meant it this time; they weren’t just words. We were going to get clean.
I crawled into the bed behind him, gazing down at his handsome face, slack and peaceful, utterly gorgeous. I wrapped an arm around his chest and hugged him to me, kissing his neck and breathing deep. With my fingers, I slowly trailed down the hard muscle of his arm, expecting him to shiver…but he just lay there, still.
Wow, he was really out of it.
I grinned, my lips following the pattern my fingers had taken down his arm. He still had the needle clutched in his hand, and gently I pried it loose from his grip.
“Grey,” I whispered, nudging him slightly. “Grey, will you do one for me?”
He didn’t respond. I giggled softly in his ear, reaching my hand beneath his t-shirt and skimming it over the smooth, hard muscle of his abdomen. I pressed my palm against his chest, trying to coax a reaction from him. “Grey?”
But he was still. He was too still…something was wrong. Frowning, I pressed my hand harder against his chest. It didn’t move. It stayed flat and hard, without rising or falling…
“Grey? Grey?” I rolled him over so he was flat on his back. His slack form was completely yielding, his head lolling on the pillow. His lips were blue.
My heart stopped beating.
“No, no, no, no, no, no, no…” I was frozen. Terrified by my discovery. Part of my brain tried to jolt me into action, tried to tell me to get up, to run, to go and get help. But I couldn’t, I was shaking too badly. And I didn’t want to leave him. I didn’t want to leave him alone.
Part of me shut down. I was only barely aware as I got up off the bed, my footsteps staggering in utter horror. I had to use the wall for support. It was like I was outside myself, like a spectator at a play, watching some horrible drama ensue. I rooted for the girl I could see, I hoped for her. Yes, go get help, I told her. Go get Alex and Zack…
I wobbled, teetering down the hallway. My muscles wouldn’t move, like I was in a nightmare or something, paralyzed with fear.
“ Zack! ” I barked. “ Alex ! ”
There was no movement from the couches.
Stupid fucking junkies. “ Zack! Alex! Help me! ” My voice was so shrill, so high pitched, like the fear had frozen my voice box and all it could make now was this strangled, harsh soprano.
They must have heard the sheer panic of my scream. Both of them shook awake, staring up at me in confusion. Alex was the first to move.
“What’s wrong, Mac?” He came to me in the hallway, helped me stand straight, his eyes hazy with concern.
“Grey, it’s Grey…” I panted. “Oh god…it’s Grey…please, please…”
He left me there. Zack brushed past me an instant later. I clutched the wall for support; my limbs shaking, my teeth chattering. I couldn’t see straight. I couldn’t watch. I shut my eyes and listened as Zack and Alex ran into our room, hoping I’d made some terrible mistake—that Grey would be up and sitting in bed, wondering what the hell all the noise was about.
“Shit! Shit! Grey…Grey buddy…wake up man…” They were slapping him, shaking him, trying to rouse him.
It was true then; it was real. A sob escaped my throat, and I slid down the wall, my legs refusing to hold my weight up anymore.
“Come on man, come on…Grey, come on, buddy…”
Sirens. Paramedics. Red, flashing lights. A stretcher. A body on the stretcher. CPR. Shouting. White lights. Sterile. Emergency room. Beeping machines. IV.
My mom.
She came up out of nowhere. Of course she was working. Wasn’t she always working? Isn’t that why I’d always been alone?
I had never felt more alone than I did at that instant.
She scanned the limp body on the stretcher for half a second, assessing the situation, and then sprang into action. I’d never seen my mom at work before. She was commanding—everyone hurried to follow her orders.
“More Naloxone! Lori, a syringe!” She pulled on a pair of gloves and hurried to the front of the bed. At that moment, she saw me. Her dark eyes filled with anguish for just a second.
“Get her out of here!” She shouted. Someone grabbed me, but I fought them. I couldn’t leave Grey. I’d been in a total trance until then, just blinking at the nurses and paramedics surrounding him as they worked frantically—pushing needles into his skin, shouting orders at each other. His handsome face was covered by an oxygen mask. He wasn’t breathing; he couldn’t breathe. I wanted to be near him until he did; I needed to feel the warmth of his hand, to know that he was going to be okay.
He had to be okay…
“Mom! Please!” I shouted desperately. “Help him! Please, help him!”
“Get her out of here!” She boomed. The grip on my arms tightened and then I was being hauled away, beyond the swinging doors, out into the waiting room.
“ No! No! Grey! ” I was screaming, fighting them. They didn’t understand. They couldn’t understand how badly I needed to be beside him. It would help him, my closeness. It would give him a reason to open his eyes again.
Someone held my writhing body. I couldn’t look at them; I looked past them, straining for a glimpse inside the ER. “Let me go!” I shouted. “Let me go!”
And then, I was calmer. I didn’t want to be; I knew there was a reason for me to keep fighting, but then my head got cloudy, and my muscles relaxed without my bidding. I hadn’t even felt the needle until I saw the orderly holding it in his hand. Acceptably docile, he set me on a chair and left me all alone.
It was too quiet in the waiting room. The change was tangible after the frantic chaos of the ER. I had no choice but to just sit there; I had no energy to move my limbs. I was thankful for whatever they’d given me. It wouldn’t let me think straight. It wouldn’t let me gnaw my fingertips off with worry.
It was also making me sleepy. I fought with my eyelids as they drooped heavily. I knew there was something I should stay awake for, but I was losing the battle. Despite my best efforts, I dropped my head, slumped in the chair, and gave in to the relative comfort of sleep.
My mom shook me awake. I stared up at her a moment, bleary-eyed. How could it be time to get up for school already? It felt like I had just gone to sleep…
“Mackenzie?” Her eyes were full of sorrow, her face tense, like she was stressed. She was in her white doctor’s coat. Didn’t she usually leave that at work?
And then it all came rushing back to me in a tidal wave of dread. All of it. Grey’s still chest. The ambulance. The nurses, the machines, the tubes. The beeping. His limp, motionless body. I sat up, already reaching for the doors to the emergency room.
“Grey!”
“Mackenzie.” Mom stopped me, her hand firm on my arm.
“Can I see him? Can I see him, Mom? ”
Tears began to swim in her eyes.
“Mom?” My whisper was choked, desperate. “Mom, can I see him?”
“I don’t think so, honey.”
I swallowed heavily. “…Why not?”
“Because. Sweetie, Grey…Grey didn’t make it. It was too late; there was too much heroin in his system…”
Slowly, I shook my head. No. No. Liar. She was lying. Grey couldn’t be dead.
I knew what this was; I knew what she was doing. They were trying to keep us apart. When I was drugged, she’d hatched up some plot. She’d give Grey something…money maybe, if he promised to stay away from me. And then she’d tell me he was dead. They never wanted us to be together. Ha. The joke was on her. No amount of money could keep Grey from me. He’d find me; he would.
“I’m so sorry, baby.” My mom was crying now, like it hurt her deeply to tell me the news. I hadn’t realized she was such a good actress. Was this the part where I was supposed to believe her? I scoffed. I’d show her. I wasn’t falling for it.
I ripped my arm from her grasp.
“Mackenzie! Where are you going? Come back!”
But I was already gone, running down the hallway, searching for the exit. I’d go and find Grey before he got away. Then, together, we’d take the money and go live on an island somewhere, away from all of this. We’d sit on a porch swing at sunset and laugh about how we overcame all the odds, how we’d finally made it, despite everything.
I burst through the front doors and into the staggering cold. Yes, we’d definitely have to find an island somewhere. I hated winter. Grenada, maybe—I’d heard great things about Grenada.
As my car wheezed slowly down the street, I dreamed of the beach. I dreamed of grass and sunshine and an eternity of summer. I thought of waves pounding on the shore, the wet sand between my toes, the far-off call of the gulls. I kept this vision in my head until I pulled up at the house. I ran inside, out of the cold, towards the only possible thing that would give me any measure of comfort.
“Mackenzie?” Alex stopped me. His face was ashen with worry. “How is he?”
I shook my head and ran down the hall to my bedroom. They want us to believe he’s dead, Alex. But we’ll show them. Don’t worry. We’ll show them.
I grabbed the needle I’d pried from Grey’s fingers only hours ago. My hands were shaking as I cooked up the batch, a little stronger than usual. I knew I would need it. I always hated it when Grey was gone .
The needle hit my vein with the telltale sign of spurting blood, and then I slammed the drugs into myself. They nearly knocked me down; they were so potent. But it was nice. I could breathe again. The horror that gripped my heart all night finally eased. I lay back against the bed and shut my eyes.
Don’t worry, Grey. I just needed one more shot. We’re still going to get clean. We’re still going to start our new life. Don’t worry. I just needed one more shot…