Limitless Love: A Polyamorous Charity Anthology

3. Avery

Is it possible to fall for the sound of someone’s voice and how they speak to you? I mean, yes, dumb question. Of course, it’s possible. The better question is: why do I always fall for unobtainable guys? In this case, a married couple. Both have swoony voices and caregiving personalities that make me quiver. I should stay away but keep turning up at their in-game house, hoping they’re online. When I’m not streaming, obviously. I’m intruding on their private pocket of the internet. I’m not going to lead anyone else to their door.

It’s been a month since we first met, and I’ve talked to them tons since then. Sometimes, they’re both online, and sometimes, only one is. I’ve discovered that Lochlan is a paramedic and works shift patterns, while Dexter is a physics teacher. They’re in their mid-thirties, so they’re around ten years older than me, making my crush even more ridiculous.

My avatar idles in the game while I lie on my bed in my bedroom slash gaming room, wearing my wireless headset, and chat with Dexter and Lochlan. It’s been one of those days when I’ve felt hollow inside but have kept up a chirpy exterior while streaming. But now I’m tired and craving genuine company, not people who feign interest in me because I’m a popular internet personality.

It never feels that way with Dexter and Lochlan. Although I worry I’m bugging them and interrupting their gaming time together, they never make me feel like a bother or a bore. They’re sweet and attentive, so much so it’s easy to forget I’m essentially a third wheel.

“You seem quiet this evening,” Lochlan says in a criminally soft and kind voice.

“Who? Me?”

He chuckles. “Yes, you. Is something the matter?”

“No. I mean, I streamed for eight hours solid today, so I’m kinda tired. Not too tired to chat.” I rush the last statement out.

“Are you sure that’s all?” Dexter asks.

I could brush off their concern. I should brush it off, but I like it when they watch out for me. Fuck, I like it too much.

This isn’t the first time I’ve fallen for a married man, although it is the first time I’ve fallen for a married couple. Choosing which of them makes me more warm and fuzzy would be like choosing between my two favourite brands of chocolate. Impossible.

It’s also not the first time I’ve fallen for someone a decade older than me, although he told me in no uncertain terms I was too young. A child compared to him. What did I know about life and love? What could I possibly give him? What would people think? His scornful words burn into my soul even now, two years later. I’d laid my heart on the line by confessing my feelings for him, and he ripped it to shreds.

“Avery?” Lochlan’s patient, caring tone makes the fine hairs on my arms stand up.

“It’s my birthday.”

“That’s wonderful. Happy birthday,” Dexter says.

“Thanks.”

“Is it wonderful?” Lochlan asks, no doubt in response to my lacklustre tone of voice.

“Not really.” The admission hurts.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Dexter asks.

Do I want to admit that my life isn’t as perfect and perky as my streams suggest? Not that I divulge any personal details at all, but I’m always smiling online. Always happy. And while I’m like that ninety per cent of the time, there are days, like today, when it’s hard to muster a smile.

“It’s okay if you don’t,” Dexter says.

“But if you want to talk, we’re here,” Lochlan says.

Fucking hell, could they be any more perfect? Why can’t I meet a single guy just like either of them or both of them combined? Their concern is wonderfully overwhelming to the point I feel compelled to speak.

“My birthday reminds me of how alone I am,” I whisper.

“Alone?” Dexter asks.

“I know. I have a million subscribers. How can I be alone?”

“Easily,” Lochlan says.

Isn’t that the truth? “I don’t talk to my family.”

One of them, I’m unsure which, sucks in a breath.

“They didn’t so much kick me out as make me feel unwelcome, so as soon as I was old enough, I left.” It’s easier to admit than I imagined.

“Why?” Lochlan asks gently.

“You’ve watched my streams?”

“Of course.”

“Then you know how I dress. My family is fairly conservative. Okay, they’re very conservative. Me putting on make-up, wearing pastels, and colouring my hair didn’t fit into their view of what a son should be. Something they reminded me of daily.”

“I’m sorry. Parents are supposed to love their kids unconditionally. They shouldn’t have made you feel like you couldn’t be yourself around them,” Dexter says.

“Which is why I left.” My heart aches so, so much. “But times when families would normally come together are hard.” My voice wobbles.

“Wait here,” Lochlan says.

“Here here, or game here?”

He laughs. “Game here.” His avatar jumps up and dashes out of the house.

“Where are you going?”

“It’s a surprise.”

“Lock loves his surprises,” Dexter says affectionately.

It’s not the first time they’ve called each other by the short forms of their names. It’s sweet but also a stark reminder that they’re very much in love, and I’m an outsider. They are serious relationship goals, though. One day, I’ll find someone like them who makes me feel loved and wanted for who I am, lacy underwear and all. Not that they know I wear lacy underwear. That would be weird and inappropriate. We’re online friends. Nothing more, no matter where my fantasies might take me.

“Surprises are fun.” I return to my gaming chair and sit with my legs folded against my chest.

“If we’d known it was your birthday, we’d have helped you celebrate,” Dexter says.

“I didn’t want to bother you.”

“Bother us? Avery, we enjoy talking to you. You’re never a bother.”

Something about the way he says my name makes my pulse race.

“Does Lochlan surprise you on your birthday?” I ask.

“We surprise each other.”

“I’m still here, you know,” Lochlan says.

I laugh. “Sorry. You were being quiet. Tell me about the best surprise you’ve given each other.”

“One year, Lochlan whisked me to Scotland for a night in a castle.”

“Wow. Sounds romantic.”

“It was. He’d arranged for a dozen roses and a heart-shaped box of chocolates to be in the room when we arrived.”

“Don’t forget the rose petals scattered over the bed,” Lochlan says.

“How could I? You’ll never top that birthday surprise.”

“Is that a challenge, babe?”

Dex chuckles. “Yes.”

I press my hand over my heart. Their banter makes me happy. I want what they have. No. I want them, but I can’t have them as more than friends.

“This year, Dex got me a top-of-the-range graphics card.”

Dex laughs loudly. “Seriously? That’s the best surprise I’ve ever got you?”

“Yes! They’d been sold out everywhere for months. How did you get hold of one?”

“That’s my secret. You should watch this man putting a computer together, Avery.” Dexter makes a chef’s kiss sound.

Lochlan’s avatar returns to the house and opens a trade window with mine. A birthday cake appears in the window. It’s a food item you can put in housing and take portions from to get temporary bonuses to the amount of experience you gain from fighting monsters.

“Happy birthday, Avery. Maybe, one year, you’ll let us send you a real cake,” he says.

I almost give them my address on the spot. I trust them. They’ve known my name for a month, and it hasn’t appeared anywhere online.

“Thank you,” I whisper as I accept the trade. I’ve never been so happy to be given an in-game gift.

Many fans have given me stuff, but this is the first gift that truly means something. The first gift that’s come from the heart. Here I go, getting carried away again. Lochlan is being a good friend. That’s all.

“We could sing Happy Birthday,” Dexter says.

Heat rises to my cheeks. “You don’t have to do that.”

“We want to,” Lochlan says, and they burst into song.

“You guys are so sweet.”

“So are you,” Dexter says.

My heart trembles. I bite my lower lip. Dexter thinks I’m sweet.

In a friendly way. Friends can find each other sweet. Right?

“How can we make today a birthday to remember for good reasons?” Lochlan asks.

“You already have.”

“There must be something else we can do,” Dexter says.

“Name it,” Lochlan says.

My voice sticks in my throat. “Could I see you?” The program we use to voice chat has video capabilities, but I’ve never asked them to switch their cameras on.

A second later, a video request pops up on my screen. I click it and hold my breath. Two video feeds appear, with their names in the bottom right-hand corner so I know who’s who. They are stunning in completely opposite ways.

Dexter has a warm, friendly face and dark, shining eyes. He’s wearing a shirt with the top button undone and a waistcoat that makes me want to call him ‘Professor’ in a sexy voice. I bite my lip so I don’t say anything of the sort. His face and chest are all soft, huggable curves, and damn, I’ve never wanted to crawl through my camera and into someone’s arms before, but I do now. If he’d been my physics teacher at school, I’d never have got any work done. I’d have been drooling too hard.

Lochlan has dark hair, sultry blue eyes, and a sexy chin cleft. His white T-shirt stretches over well-defined muscles. Does he work out a lot? My mind supplies me with a not-so-helpful mental image of him using me as a weight while he does squats. I bet his thighs are as enormous as his arms. His grip would be firm but caring.

Which man do I envy the most? Lochlan because he gets to be held by Dexter? Or Dexter because he gets to cuddle up in Lochlan’s strong arms? This is another chocolate decision. Impossible to make. In fact, if they were chocolate, I wouldn’t choose. I’d eat a chunk of each. Or a whole bar of each. But I can’t have either of these men, let alone both.

“Hi.” It’s the only thing I can think to say.

“Well, hello there. It’s nice to see you finally,” Lochlan says.

“You’ve seen me before.”

“Not like this.”

I raise my eyebrows.

“This time, you really are looking at us.”

My heart skips a bit. What does he mean by that? Nope. Don’t go there. He doesn’t mean anything. He’s being nice. End of story.

“Thank you for making this a birthday to remember.”

“You’re welcome. Next year, we’ll know it’s your birthday in advance,” Dexter says.

“Which means we’ll be able to surprise you,” Lochlan says.

And just like that, I’m reduced to a gibbering, lovelorn wreck.