Chapter 27
CHAPTER 27
Clay
My eyes itched with fatigue, and the numbers on the page were swimming on front of me, but I refused to put the book down.
It was already past midnight. I’d been studying for nearly six hours and my brain felt like it was about to explode and leak out of my ears.
How did teenagers manage to study all this stuff?
I was an adult. I should be able to keep up with children, but the longer I stared at the textbook, the stupider I felt.
The door to my bedroom swung open with a slow creak. By now, I could recognize the difference between Jason and Patrick’s footsteps, so I didn’t bother to look up as my brother approached me.
“Clay. You’re still studying?”
Dropping the book onto the table, I pressed my face against its pages, so my nose buried right into the crease of the binding and filled my senses with the smell of paper.
“Studying is the wrong word. More like staring blankly in confusion. Everything’s just running together in my brain.”
Lifting my head up enough to pull the book out from under it, Jason started to put it back with the rest of my study supplies.
“You need to take a break for today. It’ll still be here for you tomorrow.”
I pulled the book out of his hands but didn’t have the heart to open it again. “I can’t quit. I need to keep going. I’m not good enough yet.”
Before Jason could even ask, I handed him a paper that had been stuffed at the bottom of the stack of textbooks.
“Another practice GED test. Didn’t you just take one?”
“Yes, but I’ve been studying a lot so I thought maybe this time it would be better, but it was even worse.”
With precise movements, Clay folded the paper into a small square, so it resembled an accordion. “Of course you’re not going to do well when you’re stressing yourself out about it. You need to take a break.”
“No, it’s not enough. I still didn’t pass. Children can pass this thing, but I can’t.”
Jason flicked the folded paper at me, and it bounced off my nose. “First of all, high school seniors aren’t that much younger than you. Stop talking like you’re an old man. And secondly, it’s only been a year and a half since you moved here. Less than that since you started tutoring. You’re trying to cram years of schooling into a matter of months. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Besides, what’s the rush?”
I tipped my head to the side, just enough to free my mouth. “I talked with Logan earlier. He’s getting a promotion at work.”
My room only had one chair, so there was nowhere else for Jason to sit. This didn’t stop him as he knelt right on the floor next to my desk and placed a hand on my arm.
“That’s… good, right?”
“Yeah.” I sat up, but my posture remained slouched, so although Jason was kneeling next to me, our heads were nearly the same height. “He’s going to be running his own task force. I know he’s excited about it.”
I also knew that his promotion had to do with the Bell ringer case. Logan never talked about the case, but I could piece the puzzle together. He worked for a department that specialized in crimes against children. He’d specifically been sent to find me, and I’d even seen him writing down information about my kidnappers. Add to that the kids that he’d brought to Dominic’s place that had nearly been kidnapped by traffickers, and that lead to one conclusion.
He was still trying to bring down the pedophile ring that had abused me. The case was apparently important enough to require its own task force, and now Logan was in charge of that task force.
Or maybe he was in charge of one branch of the task force?
I didn’t know how these things worked.
I didn’t know a lot of things, and the more I learned, the more I realized how much I didn’t know.
I kept all this information to myself, and only told Jason about the most pressing issue.
“Logan’s moving forward in his career. He’s building a future for himself, and… I don’t know where I fit into that future. I’ve got nothing. No education. No job—and don’t you try to argue with me, Jason. You and I both know the work I do for your company isn’t worth the amount that you pay me. That doesn’t count as a real job.”
Jason’s mouth closed with an audible snap. He scowled, clearly still wanting to dispute what I’d said, but he let me talk.
“I don’t even know what I want to do with my future, but getting my GED is at least a place to start. I just feel like, if I don’t hurry, then I’ll never be able to catch up with Logan, and his life is going to move on without me.”
Gripping my hands, Jason pulled me away from the desk until I was forced to join him on the floor. He was taller than me, though not by much, and when I leaned against his side, we were in almost perfect alignment.
“Clay, you said it yourself that you don’t know what you want for your future. Maybe you have a future with Logan, maybe you don’t. If he’s as good a man as he seems, then he’ll wait for you, and if he isn’t willing to wait for you, then he’s not the right person for you anyway. So don’t run yourself ragged trying to chase after him.”
I huffed and let my head rest against his shoulder. “It’s not that I don’t think he’d wait. He’s been so good about being patient, even though I know our relationship is hard for him. Long- distance is difficult enough, but with all my issues on top of it, most people would have already walked away by now.”
Although I wasn’t looking at him, I could feel my brother about to argue, so I raised a hand to cut him off.
“I know my issues aren’t my fault, and that there’s nothing wrong with them. Trust me, I’ve been over that so many times with Doctor Coleman. But you can’t say I don’t have issues. The very fact that I’m studying for my GED at the age of twenty-four is proof of that.”
Pulling me closer, Jason pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “As long as you know that you’re just fine the way you are, then I won’t argue.”
I shrugged off the intimate gesture, but didn’t pull away from him, which was proof of the progress I’d already made. A year and a half ago, I never would have let him so close.
“I wouldn’t use the word ‘fine’ but I get your point. What I’m trying to say is that I don’t think Logan is going to leave me. If anything, I’m worried that he’ll stick around too long. I don’t want to be an anchor dragging him down. I already feel guilty enough about everything you’ve done for me. If Logan ended up having to sacrifice for me as well, I think that would be too much to handle.”
Jason took a while to respond. As I waited for him to gather his words, my eyelids drooped, and my exhaustion began to catch up to me. I was just contemplating closing my eyes when Jason finally spoke up.
“We’ve already talked about the so-called ‘sacrifices’ I’ve made for you, so I’m not going to rehash that conversation. Instead, I’ll just say that I understand your concerns. You want to make something of yourself and be a worthy partner for the person you care about. Trust me. I get that. For the first few years of our relationship, I didn’t feel worthy of Patrick. I was putting all of my energy into finding you that I felt like I was just dragging him down. I even almost broke up with him.”
“What?” My gasp was louder than I intended, turning into more of a shout as I shoved his shoulder to make him face me. “You never told me that.”
Jason just looked sheepish and shrugged. “I didn’t want you to feel guilty about something that didn’t happen. We never actually broke up, so there was no reason for you to worry about it. I’m just saying that I get where you’re coming from. It’s hard when you feel like you’re not equal to our partner, but when I suggested breaking up to Patrick, you know what he said to me?”
The question was obviously rhetorical, but I couldn’t help shaking my head in response.
Jason laughed with a melancholy little puff of air.
“He said that my tenacity to keep looking for you no matter what was one of the things that attracted him to me in the first place, and he refused to let our relationship end over the very thing that had brought us together. I realized then that, just because I saw something in a negative light, didn’t mean that Patrick saw it the same way.”
In an unexpected move, Jason ruffled my hair as if I were still a little kid. I slapped his hand away and smoothed my hair back into place. We both knew I wasn’t really upset, but I still had my dignity to maintain.
Jason wasn’t deterred and messed up my hair again anyway.
“You should talk to Logan about this. Not just about studying for the GED, but about everything. How you feel unequal in the relationship, your worries for the future. Everything. The real thing that moves a relationship forward is communication.”
“All right,” I said as I stifled a yawn behind my hand. “I’ll talk to him. Eventually. I don’t want to rain on his parade right after he just got a promotion.”
“Fair enough.” Jason stood, and after brushing the imaginary dust from his knees, he pulled my arm to help me up as well. “Now, come on. It’s late, and you look like you’re about to fall asleep right there on the floor. Your bed will be much more comfortable.”
I stumbled my way through my nightly routine, brushing my teeth and changing into pajamas, before falling into bed. I fell asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow, but the textbooks waiting for me on my desk haunted me in my dreams.
Like something straight out of a Harry Potter movie, I dreamed of books with teeth skittering over the floor and snapping at my ankles. I couldn’t even see where I was running to. The path I walked had no end. Yet, with each step I took I felt like I was falling farther and farther behind.