Chapter 6
I shove my feet into my boots, lacing up the ankle high leather. Shrugging on my utility jacket, I glance at the floor length mirror hanging on my door. A surge of pure gender euphoria hits me as I stare at my reflection.
I’m an androgynous creature at heart and today the combination of masc clothing with feminine accessories and makeup showcase who I am to the world.
It took a while to really explore that part of me. I suppose part of that was living with my mother who, to this day, still refuses to refer to me correctly.
Shortly after West bailed, I couldn’t take it anymore. Packing my bags, I split, my mom crying and clinging to me the whole time.
“You’re going to leave me too?” My mom sobs. “Why are you doing this to me, Catherine?”
I snap upright, tossing the shorts I was folding onto my bed. “Maybe it has to do with you repeatedly hurting me with that shit.” I snarl at her.
Her eyes narrow at me, the crocodile tears ceasing as she snaps, “What? You mean your name?”
Officially sick of her shit, I scream, “That’s not my name!” Snatching up my bag, I fling it over my shoulder and push past her.
“You can’t leave! You’ll never make it on your own!” She cries after me.
Glancing around the room, pride fills me. Not only did I make it on my own, I made it. Sure, it was a struggle, but I’ve carved a little space for me to exist in the world and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Now that I’ve gotten the experience of freedom to truly live and be myself, I wouldn’t change anything.
Almost anything.
Mona’s kind face pops into my mind and my smile falters. I miss her so much. She never really got the hang of my pronouns but she at least tried and she always called me Nova.
Tears prick at the corners of my eyes as I remember her warm hugs, loving smiles, and caring nature.
The world is emptier without her in it.
A part of me understands now why West did what he did, but it doesn’t change the fact that he broke me.
And now I get to return the favor.
“Heyyy bitch!” Hollis shouts, waving his hand in the air across the small boutique. Returning his wave with a grin, I weave past the other patrons.
Hollis and I became fast friends when we met at a local heavy metal concert, bonding over our shared love of the genre.
Metalcore gets a bad rap amongst the music world, everyone assuming that the screams and harsh drum beats only serve to fuel angry energy. While this can be the case at times, I find the intense music calms me in a way nothing else has. When the singer screams their lyrics before dropping down to a soulful melody, I feel a settling deep inside, something soothing about it that I’ve never been able to fully describe.
Hollis understood my connection to the music, the first person to really get it. When he interrupted my explanation with his own excited agreement, I knew we were going to be the best of friends.
Coming to a stop in front of him, Hollis immediately throws his arms around me. “Nova!” He exclaims, his excitement contagious.
“Hey Hol.” I laugh, awkwardly patting his back.
Releasing me from his arm trap, he grabs my hand and twirls me in a circle. “Mmm, I am lovingthe look today. Very Jared Leto meets Ruby Rose and I am living for it.” He makes a chef’s kiss motion with his hand.
Giggling, I grab hold of his arm to steady myself. “Why thank you, I’m feeling very gender today and loving it.”
“As you should, because you are serving.” Turning toward the rack, he pulls a few items, shoving them into my arms. “Thank you for meeting me today, Nov.”
I laugh again, shaking my head. “I asked you, remember?” Hollis waves me off, continuing to throw clothing items in my direction.
The next hour is spent sifting through the entire boutique, searching for the perfect fits. My new outward appearance is at least partially thanks to Hollis and his insistence that I let the inner me out to breathe.
“How do you expect anyone else to respect who you are if you don’t?”
His brutal honesty threw me at first, but now I find myself grateful for him and his lack of filter. He was right, after all.
Clapping his hands, Hollis directs me toward the fitting rooms. “Fashion show time.” He winks, strutting off toward the back of the shop.
Following behind him, I attempt to juggle the amassed pile of clothing, my arms growing tired already. I let out a thankful sigh when I deposit the stack into one of the rooms, settling into one of the comfy fabric chairs set up outside.
Hollis slides the privacy curtain closed, chatting excitedly about a party he’s been invited to and insists I attend with him. I can’t keep the smile off my face as we banter back and forth, throwing teasing jabs at one another.
It’s the closest I’ve felt to someone since West. A small part of me worries he’ll dump me too, deciding I’m not worth the effort when life gets hard, but I push that down deep. I won’t let West ruin this for me too.
Hollis emerges from the fitting room, twirling. “What do we think?” He singsongs, striking a pose.
I run my gaze down his ensemble. Platform shoes, tight black leather pants, a bohemian fabric bandana shirt that was definitely snatched from the women’s rack. Several bracelets dangle from his thin wrists and he’s decorated his neck with different length necklaces, the shortest a chunky costume piece and longest hanging just shy of his navel. The whole look screams nineties punk rock, and it’s absolute perfection.
“You look fabulous.” I praise, clapping my hands together.
Hollis beams at me, curtsying. “Why thank you.” Spinning toward the wall of mirrors, he studies his look.
While he doesn’t have any tattoos or piercings, he still exudes the edgy energy of someone who would be covered. I asked him once why he doesn’t and he sheepishly admitted that needles terrify him. It was the only time I’ve ever seen him be ashamed of something.
“You know…” Hollis murmurs, running his hands through his black hair. “I think it’s missing something. Oooo, what if?” He pushes his palms flat together, sliding his hands to hold the tips of his hair up in a mohawk. “Yes, perfect!” Excitedly turning toward me, his face falls at my expression. “Nov? You okay?”
I blink back tears, the sight reminding me of the reason for our adventure today. Pushing to my feet, I pull a piece of paper from my back pocket. “Can you look into this for me?” I ask instead of answering his question.
Hollis takes the note from my outstretched hand, inspecting it before glancing back up at me. “Sure, Nova. You know I’d do anything for you, babe, but are you okay?” His concerned expression fills me with guilt.
I swore I wouldn’t let West hurt me again, but maybe the pain never stopped. Not really.
Forcing a shaky smile on my face, I nod. “Yeah, I’m fine, Hol. I was just reminded why I called you is all.” Lifting an eyebrow, I wave at him. “Now, let’s finish the look, yeah?”
We spend the next few hours together, not once bringing up my earlier freak out. I find myself mindlessly fiddling with the necklace, thoughts going back to the boy who gave it to me.
Lucky for me and very unlucky for him, the Nova he once knew no longer exists. I’ve made connections I would never have dreamed before, and I’ve only scratched the surface of all my newfound lifestyle offers.
It’s about time I do some more exploring.