Four
Trina
Then
* * *
Our legs swung back and forth from the back of Cole’s beat-up Chevy pickup truck. He was sitting next to me, but he might as well have been in Alaska for all the anger pulsing off of him in heavy, thick, pulsing waves.
Not that I could blame him.
I had just handed my boyfriend of five years all of his dreams and then told him I was ripping them away. In my defense, it wasn’t the right time, and I’d tried telling him we had different dreams.
“Please don’t do this.”
His voice sounded like it’d been rubbed against sandpaper as his plea fell. “Don’t, Trina. Please. We can make this work.”
“We can make it work for you, you mean.”
My legs swung back and forth, dangling from his tailgate, and I resettled my hands beneath my backside. If I pulled them out, I’d do the unimaginable, like reach for Cole or run them along my stomach and give him hope.
I wasn’t trying to hurt him. I didn’t mean to sound so harsh. It was the only way I could keep from sobbing, from falling into his arms and letting him protect me, protect us. This wasn’t what I wanted. Not when I had dreams of my own and we were days away from high school graduation.
My older sister, Kari, was at the university in Boone, a half an hour away. She was getting her degree in education and wanted nothing more than to return to Deer Creek, teach at the very high school we attended, and then get married and have babies.
Her life was normal and sweet and calm and drama-free.
I didn’t want what she wanted, or what Cole wanted for us. Not now. Not before I had the chance to try to chase my dreams.
Getting pregnant wasn’t part of my plan. I’d heard the sayings. It only takes one time…
We’d been careful on prom night. Both times. I still blushed when I thought of how the night went, well into the early morning, and then the frantic rush to get home before any of our parents busted us for lying. The night hadn’t been good, but like I predicted, Cole had made it perfect. For me. For us.
I’d hold the beautiful memory close to me and treasure it forever.
What I didn’t want was the consequence that we tried to prevent and hadn’t.
I couldn’t, however, go through with the procedure…not without at least telling Cole. Maybe that made me an even more selfish brat than it would have been had I simply broken up with him. But I knew Cole. He was relentless and patient in his love for me. Leaving without destroying us would give him hope.
“I want to give you everything. You know that.”
Cole jumped off the truck and paced back and forth. “I can take care of you. When I get out of the academy, I’ll be able to get us a place. It’ll be a good life, you know it.”
It would be. It would be good and calm and simple…and I didn’t want any of it. Sometimes, at night, I viewed our end. years of dating in high school, one in middle school, friends since years before, Cole was etched into the fabric of all of my best memories. He was the only guy I could imagine being with, but our end was always on the horizon, moving like a slow train wreck you couldn’t help but watch.
The end was now.
The train was barreling down on us, and we were unable to escape the wreckage. I knew it to the depths of my bones, and while I wanted to take everything he offered, it wasn’t me.
It never would be, and I couldn’t bring myself to surrender to Cole’s dreams for us, dreams we’ve argued over ever since he decided to go to the police academy.
I would end up despising him.
It was easier to imagine leaving town in a couple weeks, having him despise me instead.
“But what about my dreams?”
His hands slid to his hips, pressed tightly against the belt loops of his jeans. His face twisted into the same condescending look he gave me every time I told him I wanted to go to New York and model. That I had dreams of making it big and seeing my face on billboards and on magazine covers in every grocery store in every size town across the country.
He called them big city dreams. Even from where he stood feet from me, I practically felt him patting me on the head like I was a sweet little thing.
He didn’t understand. I wanted more than Deer Creek, population 2,433. A small mountain town that was dying more than it was growing and relied on winter tourists to stay afloat, we would never grow into anything more exciting.
“Trina,”
he said, and his voice carried that sigh I was so used to hearing. We’d had this discussion for over a year now.
“No, Cole.”
I jumped off the truck and marched to him. “Why don’t you go to the academy in New York? You can be a cop anywhere. You don’t have to stay here. Why can’t we both have what we want? Come with me.”
I reached for him, took his hand in mine. I could do this, we could do everything, but I couldn’t be the one giving up everything.
“That’s not me,”
he said. He squeezed my hand and let go. He skimmed my arm with his hand and stopped at the side of my neck. He held me firmly. Maybe he thought if he held on tight enough I wouldn’t go through with this. Pain shouted from his eyes and silent expression. “You love me, Trina.”
“I do.”
Tears swelled in my eyes as I nodded. “I do love you, Cole. So much, so very much.”
He swallowed slowly. Every muscle in his throat rippled with the slow, forced movement. He pulled his hurting gaze off mine and looked over my shoulder. His voice shook as he said, “But not enough.”
“No.”
I shook my head, my tears streaming down my cheeks so hotly they burned my skin. “I suppose not enough.”
He was right. If I loved him, I’d keep our baby. If I loved him, I’d start a family with him. I’d do everything I was supposed to do, and it wouldn’t feel like such a chore.
It would be an honor, and Lord knew, I wanted to love Cole Paxton as much as I knew he loved me.
Except he didn’t love me enough to support me in my dreams, either. If I gave in now, I’d end up sacrificing a part of my soul that beat for more.
“I don’t want you to do this.”
He put enough space between us so he could settle his hand on my stomach. “I hate you for even considering doing this, and I love you, too. How can that be?”
“I don’t know.”
“I don’t want to hate you.”
His voice was thick with gravel and nails.
We said nothing then, as the breeze of the field swirled around us, tossing my blond hair into my eyes. I shoved it away, peeling it off my cheeks that were slick from tears.
We were behind the high school, and all the other students had long since left, but I’d talked Cole into staying instead of heading to the Dairy Queen where all our other classmates hung out after school.
With graduation next week, we were all trying to spend as much time together as we possibly could before drifting off into our futures.
I figured after this conversation, no one would want me around anyway. Perhaps not even Ashley or Heather.
“I’m sorry.”
It was all I could think of to say.
He shook his head, and the muscles bunched in his arms. He would make an excellent police officer some day. He was bold and brave, strong and humble. He was handsome and fair. He was noble. A good man. The best man.
“You’re sorry. For what?”
He spun around and faced me, glaring daggers at me that sent a chill straight to my heart. “What are you sorry for? Breaking my heart? Ruining this relationship? Killing our child before even giving it a chance? What exactly are you sorry for?”
“All of it,”
I croaked, stepping back. Every word he spoke lashed across my chest like a leather whip.
“Of course you are. But not sorry enough to change any of it.”
I stayed silent. Too afraid to speak, too afraid to move toward him or tell him what he already knew.
We stared at each other, like opponents facing off against each other, when we’d always faced everything together, side by side. Now we were in a standoff, one I wouldn’t back down from even if a small part of me wanted to, and he was equally stubborn.
“Right,”
he spit out and pulled his keys out of his pocket. “I should get you home then.”
“I’ll walk.”
I lived less than two miles away. I’d never walked home from school. Cole had been picking me up and driving me to school since he got his license. The pain of my statement jolted him back, as if this hurt him more than me telling him I was getting an abortion.
“You’ll walk.”
He blinked and then scanned the field behind me. When his gaze came back to mine, it was filled with heavy resignation. “So this is it?”
I didn’t want it to be. Not at all. It had to be, though. “I think it has to be.”
“Fine.”
Cole gritted his teeth together. His eyes were wet, and as much as I wanted to look away, to flee from the pain I was causing him, I took it and absorbed it. “Take care then, Trina. Have fun in the big city.”
He said the last two words like they were a curse. I suppose to him, they were.
At some point in my life, I would have been happy staying in Deer Creek. When I was younger, it was all I wanted, much like everyone else I knew. But then our eighth-grade band class took a school trip to New York City. We saw Broadway shows and strolled through the Met and spent hours upon hours in Central Park. By the time I came home, I had fallen in love with something that still ran deeper in my veins than I ever felt Cole. It was a living, breathing, desperate need in my blood that pulsed for the excitement and adventure.
I had never hidden my dreams from the man in front of me. His features etched with a pain I would never forget and a fury I equally deserved.
“Goodbye, Cole.”
I stepped out of his way as he moved to his tailgate. He slammed it shut, and the truck rocked back and forth from the force. Then he reached in and grabbed my backpack. He handed it to me, arm extended like he couldn’t bear to be within touching distance of me.
I took it from his hands and slipped it onto my shoulders.
He looked at me, opened his mouth, and closed it. And then he was in front of me, his hands on my cheeks and his breath skating across my lips right before he shoved his mouth against mine.
He kissed me harshly, painfully…. passionately, and I reached out, covering his wrists with my hands so tightly I wanted us to meld together.
Right as I surrendered to the kiss, he yanked back, throwing my hands away from him.
“I will always love you.”
He swiped the back of his hand across his face, wiping our kiss away. “I hate you. Right now, today, I hate you for this and for everything you’re doing, but despite everything, I will always love you.”
Without giving me a chance to say a word, he jumped into his truck.
I stood in the field and watched him throw the truck into reverse. I stayed still as he peeled out of the parking lot, the stench of rubber burning my nose as he turned down the street.
And once he was gone, his truck gone, and I knew he couldn’t see me, I crumbled to the ground and I sobbed.
Because I knew, even as I knew I had to do it, that I was throwing away the best thing that would ever happen to me in my entire life.