Chapter 8
8
brAD
“S o I got a bunch of Campbell’s Chicken and Wild Rice because I know that’s your favorite. And then I got some frozen pizzas…” Seth goes through the groceries we picked up at the store as he puts stuff away in the kitchenette cabinets. Most of the dorms don’t have this luxury, but for the really wealthy kids like Seth and Cody, whose parents are willing to fork over money, or even better, donations to the school, they get the Delta One St. Lawrence experience.
As I sit on the edge of his bed, Cody grabs the remote and turns down the Vanderpump Rules episode he’s watching. For the first time in a few days, his cheeks have some color in them again, and he can keep his eyes open, but he’s got this glazed-over look in them.
After Luke’s freak-out in the showers, Seth and I hurried over to the church to check on Cody. We found him lying still, both of us fearing the worst when we saw his unconscious body. He finally stirred, and once he recovered, he said he was just fatigued but too tired to get up, so Seth carried him back to the dorms. Since then, Seth has been diligent in his care of Cody, more so than usual.
“How you holding up, buddy?” I ask.
“Like I need to get off my ass and turn in some assignments so I’m not behind when I go back to class next week.”
“Are you sure you’re gonna be good by then?” Seth asks.
“I can get through it.”
“How about we play it by ear?” Seth says. “You want me to throw some soup in the microwave? Or maybe just a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?”
Cody groans. “I wish you wouldn’t go to all this trouble over me.”
“You love when I go to the trouble.”
Cody smirks. “In that case, Cinnamon Toast Crunch would be great.”
Seth beams like knowing there’s something he can do to cheer Cody up has made his day. He pours cereal into a bowl and joins us, plopping down on the opposite side of Cody’s bed and passing Cody his dry-cereal snack.
“Thank you, Seth.” Cody tosses a few crunches into his mouth, chews and swallows, then glances between Seth and me. “Okay, now that I’m feeling better, I’m ready to hear how it went.”
Cody had asked about our meeting right after our chat with Luke, but he was still so depleted, Seth insisted we wait a few days, at least until he was coherent enough to hold a conversation. Now seems like the time, but considering how it went, neither of us is eager to share.
And unlike Seth, I don’t blame Luke for his reaction.
Despite our pleasant conversation on our way back to the dorms, Luke hasn’t talked to me since. Every time I’ve run into him, he’s distant, distracted. But even worse, he doesn’t look well, and I know it’s because of the time we’ve spent apart. It’s like I can feel his acute pain and want to comfort him. But I don’t want to push when he clearly doesn’t want to speak to me.
At least, not yet.
Seth and I tell Cody about the meeting at the old church, and when we’re finished, Cody says, “I want to talk to him.”
“You’re not doing that,” Seth says through his teeth.
“You’re not the boss of me.” It’s the first time Cody’s sounded like he has his strength back. “And just because this stuff hits me hard doesn’t mean I’m this frail thing, so back off.”
I know Cody appreciates the care Seth takes with him, but Cody never hesitates to let him know when he’s overstepping.
Seth’s jaw clenches.
“I can show him,” Cody says, “like I did with you guys. If he sees, and really feels it the way we did, he’ll have a harder time denying it.”
Seth shakes his head. “Codes, he said he can’t control his powers. He admitted what happened was an accident. What if you try to show him and he resists, and you end up in the fucking ER?”
“Seth has a point,” I admit.
“Don’t either of you forget why we’re doing this,” Cody says. “It isn’t about me or us. I know you think you’re protecting me, but if I don’t do this and people die, I have blood on my hands. And so do both of you.”
“Codes also has a point,” I say.
“He’s a loose cannon,” Seth insists. “And he clearly doesn’t give a shit about who he’s gonna hurt.”
I’m not letting that slide. “That’s not fair. If we didn’t already have a year of experience with the stuff we encountered, do you really think you’d take everything we said at face value?”
“He’s seen what we can do. And what he can do. What more does he need?”
“As he said, he also knows we’ve been wrong about things. And I’m sure he’s wondering how we could know so much about the future but don’t have a clue why he has these powers.”
Seth glares at me. “You’re not exactly impartial.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Ask your fucking dick.”
“I can’t help what’s happening there. And since you brought it up, what’s happening between us isn’t making it easy for him to concentrate on what we talked about. I’ve seen Luke around campus, and he looks like he’s got a bad hangover. Like the longer we go without touching, the harder it is on him.”
“And how are you feeling?” Cody asks.
“It’s not as bad for me, but every time I see him on campus, it definitely stings. Physically. Then there’s this other part: seeing him hurting and knowing I can do something about it. He’s avoiding me, though, which pisses me off. I don’t like knowing he’s suffering.”
I get that he wants time to sort through all this, but fuck, it burns…more than I’m willing to share with Seth or Cody. So I can only imagine what it’s doing to Luke, and with that on his mind, I don’t know how the hell he’s supposed to sort through this mess on his own.
“Nice to know you’re so worried about your new boyfriend,” Seth snipes.
I ball a fist and clench my jaw. “Back. The fuck. Off.”
“Enough,” Cody says. “I’m meeting with him. I should be fine by Friday. Brad, since I can’t trust Seth to keep his cool, will you approach Luke and ask if he could meet us at the church then?”
Excitement courses through me, and Cody’s gaze narrows. I don’t doubt his intuitive powers have caught this, but he doesn’t mention it, surely knowing it’ll only piss Seth off that much more, since he’s treating me like I’m sleeping with the enemy.
“I’ll stop by his dorm. Now that he’s had some time to mull things over, it’d be nice to have a chat.”
I can tell Seth’s stewing over this, which he confirms a moment later. “On the plus side, if he hurts Codes again, we won’t have to worry about him being around anymore to be a danger to innocent people.”
My nostrils flare, this protective instinct making me want to deck Seth for so much as uttering a threat against Luke.
“Oh, it’s so cute having my straight bestie be all protective of me,” Cody teases Seth, diffusing the tension. “Now I need another nap.”
“Okay, I’ll get out of your hair,” Seth says.
“Uh-uh.” Cody throws his arms around Seth and plants his head against his chest. “I need someone to stay and watch the new episode of Vanderpump with me.”
Seth groans. “Only for you.”
“You know I sleep best with my big straight pillow.”
Seth and I share a laugh as Cody clings to him, and Seth visibly relaxes in his hold.
They have a unique friendship. It’s deeper than the bond I share with either of them, but I tend to be more guarded anyway and not nearly as touchy-feely—unless I’m around Luke; I’d feel a lot better if I could just hold him in my arms until this pain lets up.
As Seth repositions so Cody has an easier time lying against him, I say, “In that case, I’m gonna head out. I’ll text you after I talk to Luke about Friday.”
I leave them to enjoy some reality TV, then head to Luke’s dorm room. I knock and wait. Figure he might not even be in, but a sensation stirs in me, and I realize he’s on the other side of the door even before it opens. My shoulders relax as I feel visceral relief at the sight of him. My dick constricts in the crotch of my jeans.
Luke doesn’t make eye contact, and despite the ease of being this close to him, I still feel the sting, and he must feel it too. I just want to throw my arms around him and kiss him, take it all away.
Focus.
“You got a minute?” I ask.
He doesn’t respond. Just steps back into his room, leaving the door open. I take that as an invitation and head in after him, closing the door behind me. His dorm’s a standard two-bedroom unit, the side closest to the door adorned with Alexei’s comic-book posters.
“Where’s Alexei?”
“At the gym. He just left, so he’ll be out for a bit.” Luke heads over to his desk and sits on the edge, biting his bottom lip.
Quick scenes flash through my mind: I take his mouth, throwing him onto the bed, having my way with him. He wants me to take the lead, to show him how good it can feel.
I have my own fantasies about him, but I know these are his, and I hate myself for prying into what should be his secret thoughts.
I ball my hands into fists, steadying myself to keep from losing control and giving him exactly what he wants. What it feels like he needs .
“You’re doing that thing again, aren’t you?” he asks, cringing.
“I can’t help it.”
His cheeks turn the prettiest shade of pink. He really is Pretty Boy right now. “This is so awkward.”
“I’m sorry.”
“If you can’t help it, no need to apologize.”
As we stand in uncomfortable silence, I notice a picture frame on his desk. He’s young, maybe nine or ten. I assume those are his parents standing on either side of him. It reminds me of other things I already know about the guy. His losses. His pain.
“Seems like you’ve been trying to avoid me for the past few days,” I say. “Not that I blame you.” Although, there’s a primal part of me that’s pissed, as though he’s depriving me of something that’s rightfully mine.
“Yeah,” he says. “I needed to clear my head.”
“What have your thoughts been since we talked?”
He places his palms behind him on the desk and leans back. “Depends on when you ask me. At times I think you, Cody, and Seth are out of your minds and that you’ve pulled me into your delusion. Other times, the longer I spend stressing out, the more I fear I’ll be potentially responsible for causing other people’s deaths. Then there’s this selfish part to it…and trying to avoid you has been so…” His chin trembles and his eyes water. “Do you have any idea how fucking hard it’s been to try and avoid seeing you?”
More than you know.
“How are you holding up?” I ask.
His jaw tightens as though I’ve only highlighted the pain he’s experiencing.
“When I saw you in the hall at General Classroom the other day,” I say, “it was like a spear to my chest. I had to run to the restroom and take a minute to recover.” I’m hoping if I disclose my own experience, maybe he won’t feel so uncomfortable sharing his.
He blinks a few times, glancing around his room. “I don’t know… The image of razor blades lodged in my chest comes to mind.” He chuckles, but the strain in his expression tells me it’s not much of a joke. “Staying away has only fucked with my head even more. Feels like it about near killed me. Before I knew who was knocking, I was terrified it was just Alexei coming back for something he forgot, and then I would’ve started crying because I can’t fucking stand this.”
As much as it pains me to hear him say it, it’s a relief too. “I promise it’s painful for me too.”
He smirks and finally looks at me. “Well, it does cheer me up to know it hurts you too. Some kind of fucked-up schadenfreude, right?”
I snicker.
“This is so strange,” he goes on. “I shouldn’t have this kind of feeling about someone I don’t even know. And I’m supposed to be thinking about my future and if I’m putting other people’s lives at risk, and yet I can’t get out of my mind what we did in the woods.” He shakes his head. “Anyway, I’m guessing you didn’t come over here to hear me bitch and moan about whatever messed-up chemistry we have.”
“I know I may not seem like it from our initial interactions,” I say, “but I can be a good listener.”
He does a double take, like he’s surprised by the comment.
“But as far as why I came over, I wanted to tell you that Cody wants to meet with you. He thinks it might help if you can see the vision and decide for yourself what you believe.”
“Really?”
“He hopes he’ll be strong enough by Friday.”
“Seth must be so happy about this.”
“Cody made it clear it’s not Seth’s decision.”
“Even though he stirred up all that shit in my head, I think I’m already starting to like him,” he says with a chuckle.
His lips look so adorable in that little smile, I’m tempted to—
No! Stop!
“I know it’s hard to imagine,” I say, “because of what a dick he was being to you, but Seth is a good guy. In the past, Cody dealt with a lot of issues that took him to some dark places, and Seth is just very protective of him. Like a brother. And he’s that way about anyone who hurts Cody. He accidentally gave him Covid last year, and he wouldn’t stop beating himself up over it.”
Luke’s gaze wanders. “I have an uncle who’s like that.”
“He’s the one who took you in after…” I stop myself, but Luke’s already looking at me. I’ve just reminded him of the other ways I’ve pried into his personal life.
“That’s right. Background check. So you know about my parents.” He’s quiet for a few moments, surely hating me for violating his privacy. Then he turns to the picture on his desk, of him as a kid with his parents. “Yeah, my uncle took me in, and he’s been good to me. He knew this was my dream, coming to St. Lawrence. My dad was always talking about it, and that kind of thing leaves an impression on you, you know? After his aneurysm, I knew this is where I’d go. I was accepted freshman year, but I was devastated when I didn’t get a scholarship. Then when I made it for this year, it felt like fate. Being here makes me feel close to him. There’s something about knowing he wandered these halls. Lived in these dorms. I think he’d be proud.” He gulps.
“I’m sure he would be.” I hesitate, consider stopping myself, but since I already know this shit about him, it feels right to share. “It’s really beautiful that you care so much about your dad. Mine… The only reason he even fought for full custody was to fuck over my mom, who’s great. But once he had me, he never treated me like a kid. Hell, he was barely even home.”
“I’m sorry.”
I shrug. “It’s fine. It didn’t kill me, right?”
“A lot of things don’t kill us, but sometimes we wish they would.”
It’s a dark comment, one that resonates too deeply.
Seeing him sitting there, his lips frozen in a frown, impulses fire off within me. It’d be so easy to take all his pain away, to help him forget and give him relief. But since he’s been avoiding me all week, I doubt it’s what he wants right now.
“I should go,” I say, starting for the door.
A knot in my chest constricts, tightening as I get closer, but suddenly, I feel Luke’s hand against my wrist, and a rush shoots from my wrist to my shoulder.
That knot in my chest relaxes as I turn back to him.
His hand trembles against my wrist, a symptom of whatever withdrawal he’s enduring.
“Please, Brad,” he says, his voice full of desperation. “I’m trying to be strong right now because this is so fucking embarrassing. But if you walk out that door, it feels like I might die.”
His wide eyes tug at something in me.
“Don’t leave me like this,” he begs.
I won’t deny him.
That familiar sense kicks in, and I know exactly what he needs from me.
I place my free hand against his cheek, trailing my fingers across his flesh. He leans into my hold, taking a deep breath as the touch gives us both even more relief.
I guide him back until his shoulder blades are pressed against the wall between his and Alexei’s desks. When he tilts his head back, exposing his throat to me, I run my thumb down to his chin, then to his Adam’s apple, and around to his nape. His shaking subsides, as though his body is only content when it can revel in my touch.
Is it wrong how satisfying it is to know he needs this? Needs me?
I guide my hand farther down, probing the dip between his pecs and the rigid indentations in his abs. Then I lean close and offer a gentle bite against his throat.
He moans, and it’s music to my ears, the sound of the release of so much of the pain he’s been carrying around. It collides with my own relief, my belly vibrating with excitement, soaring because Luke and I are finally this close again.
Impulses I know aren’t me kick in, and I drop my hands, grabbing the hem of his shirt and pulling it off over his head. I squat down and hook my arms around his thighs, lifting him and placing his ass on the desktop. I lean close so our mouths are only inches apart.
With his eyes closed, he waits, but I linger, enjoying the buzz of excitement making my lips tingle.
Luke opens his eyes. “I thought you knew what I wanted.”
“I do. I’m just worried.”
His forehead creases.
“Once I get a taste, I don’t think that’s gonna make being away from you any easier.”
“That’s smart thinking,” he says. “Too bad I’m being a fucking idiot right now.”
He moves quickly, placing his hand on the back of my head and mashing his lips against mine.
It’s like a fire set in my mouth, spreading through my body, erupting through my flesh. I lose my concept of our bodies and time as we’re just wet tongues, hot breaths, sensation, and smacking lips.
I’m still worried. We don’t know what’s happening between us. Giving in could be the worst thing we could do. But the selfish, primal animal in me doesn’t give a flying fuck.
By the time I can think straight again, I discover we’re on his bed. It’s like I blacked out during the kiss, and now I have his wrists pinned down above his head. He’s still dressed except for his shirt, and his legs are hooked around my waist, that ass tight against the crotch of my pants as I thrust, enjoying the sensation of our bodies urging us along.