Mine

Chapter Ten

CHAPTER TEN

Marshall

I haven’t logged in to the kink site for two weeks, but I haven’t stopped thinking about JT either. I can’t wrap my head around how this would even happen. What are the odds? How could the man who submitted to me so beautifully be the boy whose knees I bandaged up when he was a child?

The thought makes me sick, makes me hate myself for what I did—what I told him to do for me—but I hadn’t known. I’ve never seen JT as anything other than John’s son, a part of my family. If I hadn’t spent a month talking to him, discovering how much he wants to submit, how much he needs it, I would have never considered anything more. But now that I know, I can’t unsee it, and it’s eating me up inside. I’ve even canceled when I was supposed to meet John because I don’t know how to look him in the eyes after what I’ve done.

What I still very much want to do…

With his son.

I head into the workout room at my house and sit on the rowing machine. While I enjoy exercise, I haven’t worked out this often in a long time, but it keeps me distracted.

Today I need it. I’ve been able to make excuses to avoid John, but there’s no way I can miss Callie’s birthday party. And I know JT won’t be missing it either. JT, whom I want to fuck…whom I wanted to take care of in that restroom—wanted to tell him to drop to his knees and get him out of his head after we discovered what we’d done.

I pull on the handle of the machine, picking up speed, pushing with my legs and pulling with my arms over and over again. Sweat beads on my brow, the muscles in my legs begin to ache, but I keep going, as if this could change anything. As if it will make me feel less like the worst person in the universe.

As if it will make me no longer miss the online talks that had quickly become an integral part of my life.

My head floods with too many memories to count. The way John hugs, tight and meaningful. When I lived in California and we’d part after a visit, he’d hold on too long, like he was afraid to let me go. Spilling our secrets to each other, camping and laughing. John getting into the one and only fight he’s ever been in when a guy said something negative about my sexuality. The way John was always the one who made me promises that we would be friends forever, and though he never should have needed me as much as I need him, I’ve always known he does.

And still, none of it changes the fact that I want to see JT tonight.

And I don’t know if I’ll ever stop hating myself for it.

*

I have to park partway down their street because of all the cars. They’re the type of people who have a lot of friends. Everyone loves them, and how can they not? I’m sure they invited all their neighbors as well because that’s just show John and Callie are.

Carrying a box with her gift, I walk down the sidewalk. I don’t let myself pay attention to the vehicles I pass because it doesn’t matter if JT is already there or not. The fact that I’m thinking about it at all is concerning. It should have been a whole lot easier to walk away. How many people have I Dommed and then just walked away? It’s never been a problem before, and I’m worried that it is now. The only reason I can think of is that now I know who CravingMore is, and he’s someone important to me, which is getting all the lines crossed.

JT is submissive, and what if he ends up with a Dom who doesn’t deserve him? Who doesn’t treat him right? Who hurts him in the wrong ways?

As I get closer, I hear music. Like the barbecue, the party is in the backyard, and now I can see the extra lighting they brought in. There’s a banner on the fence: Happy Birthday, Callie! The gate is open, the walkway lined with decorations and what looks like floating bulbs.

There’s probably close to seventy-five people back there. John isn’t manning the grill because he had the evening catered. There are two long tables with chafing dishes. A woman in all black replaces one of them, and I notice a man dressed the same carrying round trays with champagne.

I scan the crowd of people I don’t know. Having a party like this isn’t something I would ever want for myself, but I’m not a people person the way they are.

I see John standing by a tree, talking with a few people, and make my way over, setting Callie’s gift on a table as I go. The second he notices me, his eyes spark, a smile taking over his face. He’s happy to see me—and probably even happier that he gets to introduce me to people.

“Hey, buddy.” He gives me a one-armed hug before looking at the people in front of him. “This is my best friend, Marshall. I’ve known this guy my whole life. Every important milestone, he’s been there for me. Cal and I are so happy to have him back in Raleigh.”

The pit in my gut gets bigger, the guilt thickening.

“That’s so sweet. I’ve had the same best friend my whole life too,” one of the women says.

John introduces all of us, and then they start talking about friendship, and how everyone met, and what it’s like to have someone so close to you, they’re like family.

I laugh and join in where I should, but there’s a constant tangle in my stomach because all I can think is I want to fuck your son. I want to spank his ass until it’s red and make him cry for me. God, how much I want his tears, and I’m the worst fucking person in the world because of it.

“Marsh?” John asks, making me realize I’m not doing as good a job paying attention as I thought I was.

“I’m sorry?”

“Todd asked what you do.”

“Oh, sorry. I’m in tech,” I reply, then tell him about my company and coming in to help with the new office out here.

The conversation changes, and as they speak about all the growth in the triangle lately, my gaze snags on JT for the first time. He’s standing with another man around his age. The guy says something, JT listening, but as if he can feel my stare, his eyes snap up and find mine.

I see the change in him from across the yard, his back straightening as if he’s on guard now, the hesitancy as he watches me, and Christ, that’s not how I want him to look at me. He’s unsure, and he’s never had to be that way with me before.

I want to soothe it, want to comfort him, make sure he knows it’s okay. Being around his parents is already conflicting for him. I learned that the night of the barbecue, and then by putting the puzzle pieces together—CravingMore had mentioned letting people down and being a disappointment. There’s a pull inside me, growing with each second, and I want to fix that for him…or at least make him forget.

JT says something to his friend, and the guy looks my direction, then turns away quickly and grabs JT’s hand. There’s no question in my mind that JT told him. I’m thankful he has someone to talk to about this because I sure as hell don’t. Would I open up about it even if I did?

“Marsh! I didn’t know you’d arrived!” Callie says, joining us.

“Happy birthday, sweetheart.” I hug her and kiss her cheek.

“We’re so glad you’re here.” She takes my hand and squeezes it, giving me a smile.

“I’m glad I’m here too.” As she joins the conversation, I force myself not to look across the yard at her son. I hate myself that it’s so difficult to do.

The party continues, John and Callie introducing me to so many people, it makes my head spin. I go along with it, but an hour and a half later, I’m all peopled out and need a breather.

“Excuse me for a minute. I’ll be back,” I tell the latest group we’re talking to. Setting my champagne glass on a table, I make my way into the house and toward the hallway leading to the downstairs restroom. The door is closed, so I lean against the wall, dropping my head back and taking a few deep breaths. I feel like my muscles have been constricted for two weeks, and with each moment that goes by, they only get tighter. Being here tonight doesn’t help. Is this what it’s going to be like from now on? Has my relationship with John been altered by the truths I’m keeping from him?

When I hear the water turn on behind the door, I open my eyes and straighten my spine, trying to appear amiable.

And of course, when the door opens, it’s JT standing there, in his tight jeans and polo shirt—which I know he’s only wearing because his mom would want him in something nice.

“I didn’t know you were in there,” I say, other words escaping me.

“Bummer. I would have liked it better if you knew and were waiting for me.”

My fingers twitch with the desire to spank him. “JT…” I take a quick glance down the hallway, but we’re still alone. As far as I know, there’s no one in the house but us.

“You haven’t been online again,” he says.

I sigh. No, I haven’t, which has been killing me. “Now isn’t the time for this.” I work my way around him and into the bathroom.

“When is?”

“Never. We can’t… It was a mistake.” The words stick in my mouth. It felt like the opposite of a mistake.

“It wasn’t one for me. All it’s done is make me want this more, hammered home that this is exactly what I want…what I need. It doesn’t feel the same with any of the other men I’ve been talking to.”

Heat races through me, hot and fierce. It shouldn’t. JT has the right to talk to anyone he wants, but I don’t want him to. I don’t want him to kneel and obey anyone else. Not until I work this out of my system.

“You need to move so I can close the door,” I force myself to say.

“No.” He crosses his arms. “You’re the one who’s acting like the child here. We’re grown-ass adults. If we want to fuck, we can fuck.”

“Jesus.” I grab his arm and pull him into the bathroom with me, closing and then locking the door.

JT smirks. “This feels familiar…only I’m not freaking out this time.”

“Then what is that slight tremor in your voice?” It’s soft but there. He might not want to be nervous or unsure, but he is.

“Okay, I mean, I can’t pretend this isn’t a strange situation. You’re like my un—”

“Don’t say it. You’ve never actually called me that before, so let’s not blur the lines by saying it now.”

JT sighs, takes a few deep breaths, then slowly begins to kneel.

“What are you doing?”

He’s on his knees, with his hands resting on his thighs, head down. “I don’t know. I didn’t plan this, but seeing you… I want it, Marsh. I need it. Talking with you… I can’t get it out of my head. It’s like I’m starving, and you gave me a bite, made me even hungrier, and now food is dangled right out of my reach. I want it, and I want it with you.”

My legs nearly give out, my limbs trembling, his words teasing the starving beast inside me too. I should walk out of this bathroom right now, should leave Raleigh and head back to California. But what I say is “Look up, sweet boy.”

The tension in JT’s shoulders releases, and he raises his head and looks me in the eyes. “Yes, Sir.”

“You’ve been having a hard time?” I ask, though I know the answer.

“Yes. I met up with a guy… It didn’t help.”

My jaw tightens, vision going blurry. The thought of anyone else touching him without my permission makes me want to rage. “What happened?”

“What? You want—”

“Tell me.”

“I, um, went to his house. He flogged me, and I blew him, but it wasn’t right. I couldn’t get in the headspace…couldn’t get into it.”

“Did he force you?”

“No. He was kind, but I know I didn’t give him what he needed, and he sure as shit didn’t give me what I needed. I don’t understand why it’s different with you, but it is. I’m not saying I’m in love with you. I just know that you can satisfy this part of me. That FulfillingDominance can, and now that I’ve been teased with the possibility, not having it is like this constant ache inside me.”

How can I deny him when he says things like that? Especially when walking away is the last thing I want to do. I’ve had this persistent, never-ebbing buzz under my skin ever since we started talking. Seeing him on his knees for me right now dulls the edges, but it’s not nearly enough. “You’re not going to give this up, are you?”

“No, Sir. It’s just sex. My parents don’t need to know.”

“Jesus.” I run a hand through my hair, feeling my resolve slip. At least if he’s playing with me, I’ll know he’ll be safe. I won’t hurt JT in ways other than the ones we both want.

“Just once, Sir. Maybe we’ll decide it’s too weird and neither of us will be into it.”

I look down at him, JT gazing up at me with eyes that look different…as if he’s not the same boy I’ve known his whole life. It’s another man on his knees for me, one who knows what he wants and that I can give it to him.

“Please, Sir… You said I can call you that. Don’t take it back now. I just want to know what it’s like to let go, and I know you can give it to me.”

I close my eyes, knowing what I’m going to say before I say the words. My lids slide open. “Stand up.”

“Wait. I’m—”

“Stand up,” I order again, voice low with no room for argument.

“Yes, Sir.” JT pushes to his feet.

“Do you work tomorrow?”

His pupils blow wide as he takes me in. “No.”

“Be at my house at two. I’ll send you the address.”

“Yes. Hell yes. Thank you. You won’t regret it.”

I could lose everything for this.

But I won’t stop. I don’t want to stop.

I open the door and peek out, making sure no one is in the hallway. “Be good the rest of the night. You’ve spent half the night watching me.”

“I can’t help it.”

“Go,” I order.

“Yes, Sir.”

I close the door behind him, knowing this will change everything.