Chapter 5
Five
Conor
I’m not going to tell her, but her fiancé sounds like a complete douche. I’d love to question her more on the whole “he doesn’t make me feel like I come first” comment. Or the fact he wouldn’t want to spend an afternoon with her baking a cake or surprising her with a train trip. See the tattoo she’d pick out and hold her hand when the first needle pricks her skin. How could he pass up seeing her smile when it was all done?
If I were honest with her, I’d tell her that I think hiding her list in her underwear drawer so he didn’t see it should’ve been her first red flag. I’d never want my girlfriend, fiancée, or wife to feel that way about me, and I pray whoever I decide to marry, if I ever do, knows that I’m her sidekick in whatever crazy thing she wants to do.
“There’s not much to talk about, but you were so honest with me, I’ll be honest with you.”
She puts a chocolate pretzel into her mouth, and I watch her reaction while I tell her something I talk to no one about, not even my sister.
“My mom and dad divorced last year. My mom was cheating on my dad, but it wasn’t her first time. I’d witnessed her with another man before and told no one. I never told my dad. I never told my sister. I believed my mom that night when she said it was over. Because of me, my sister had to endure the same crushing blow I did years later when she caught our mom with someone else.”
The guilt still eats at me, and I think maybe it’s why I was so difficult about Kyleigh being with my teammate and friend, Rowan. Now, they’re happy together, and I feel like a total dick over my behavior.
“Is that why you’re not a relationship guy?” She puts another pretzel in her mouth. I shouldn’t feel so happy that she likes the snack I picked out. What the hell is that about?
“Who says I’m not a relationship guy?”
“You.” She chuckles and holds out a pretzel for me. “Here.”
“We’ll get back to the whole no relationship thing, but why are you offering me a pretzel?” I hold out my palm, and she places it in the center.
“You’re watching me so intently I figured you wanted one.” Her smile lights up the room even with the gloom of me reliving my parents’ shitty past and how twisted it got with Kyleigh and me involved.
If she only knew why I was watching her so intently. It’s because she’s so beautiful, I’m having difficulty keeping my crush on her at bay. “I just liked watching you enjoy them.”
Her cheeks flush pink, and she says nothing, so I quickly change the subject so as not to make her uncomfortable.
“Seeing my mom in the hotel bar messed me up, and I was just getting into a relationship with someone at the time. That crashed and burned because I spiraled, thinking there’s no such thing as monogamy, and we aren’t meant to love only one person our whole life. I’ve gotten over that disbelief for the most part. I’m not opposed to a relationship, but I keep thinking when I meet her, I’ll know. But I’m not sure it will happen while I’m playing because it’d be hard to be a part of my life. My schedule is a lot during the season, and the fans aren’t easy, especially some of the women.” I stare at the door. Reason number two is exactly why I’m still here with her now, although I wouldn’t change it for anything.
“I used to go to games with Jade, and I remember some of the girls being so nasty to her. I can’t imagine what it’s like on a professional level. She hasn’t said much about it since she and Henry got back together.” She eats another pretzel and holds another one out to me.
I accept it and place it in my mouth, chew, and swallow. “Well, Henry isn’t the normal hockey player. Sure, there are probably women who want him, but from what I know, he was never the clubbing kind of guy.”
“Not like you?” She raises her eyebrows.
“I can’t deny that I go out a lot, and you might not believe this, but there are a lot of nights I go home alone.”
She laughs. “I’m not judging.”
“In the early years, the fame and women can get to you. If you’re having a great game, you feel invincible, but I’m thirty now.” I pick up her list again. “So now I have to do a forty before forty bucket list.” I look at the one line that struck me as odd—To fall in love. Why hasn’t she crossed it off? Is she not in love with Tristan? I’d never ask. She’s taken, regardless.
“Are you making fun of my list?” She retracts the offered pretzel and tosses it in her mouth, her smile a little wicked, which only makes the pull to her increase.
Fuck, I’m in trouble. I want to taste that chocolate off her lips.
“No.” I shake my head. “I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but I wish things were different. I wish I could help you cross at least one of them off your list.”
“Oh.” She bites her lip, hands me the rest of the bag of pretzels, and stands. “I have to go to the bathroom.”
While she disappears through the bedroom door, I walk over to the suite door to look out the peephole. I see the three girls sitting across the hall, their legs stretched out, each one of them asleep.
“Are they still out there?” Eloise’s voice sounds from behind me.
I turn to face her and see that she’s replaced her T-shirt with a sweatshirt that hangs off one shoulder. Jesus, she’s killing me. For the first time in a long time, I want a woman I can’t have.
“How’s Penelope?” I change the subject because if I tell her they’re sleeping, she’ll probably want me out of here.
“She seems okay. Still on her side and no vomit, thank goodness.” She crosses her fingers as she makes her way across the room to look out the peephole herself.
“Want to go on a walk?” I blurt, afraid our time together will end, even if it’s not destined to go anywhere.
She stops and bites her bottom lip, which I’ve noticed she does when she’s thinking something over. “Um…”
“It’s three in the morning. Not a lot of people out who will know or care who I am. We’ll grab a cab or Uber to Lakeshore and walk the path.” I reach for the list. “And you can cross stargazing and maybe even watch a sunrise off your list.”
She seems to think about it for a moment more, then nods. “Okay, let me leave Penelope a note in case she wakes up.”
She disappears back into the bedroom, returning in sweatpants with her long blonde hair thrown up into a messy bun. Fuck, she’s beautiful in anything she wears. But I need to keep my dick in my pants and my tongue in my mouth.
“I nudged Penelope awake, and she swatted me away. Ready?”
“We have to be quiet.” I open the door.
Eloise slinks out and tiptoes down the hall, moving toward the elevators. I follow and close the door quietly. Eloise has already pressed the elevator button, and I jog to catch up and step into the elevator with her. The doors slide shut, encasing us in the small space. If I thought the hotel room was close quarters, this is worse.
Somehow, we make it downstairs without my mouth getting me into trouble. We cross the lobby, and I stop at the front desk to tell them about the three girls outside her room, so they won’t be there when we return.
After we walk through the sliding doors to the outside, Eloise says, “Why didn’t you tell them about your fans earlier?”
“Because then I would have had to leave.” I’m truthful, which I know I shouldn’t be, and her cheeks redden again. I’m slowly becoming addicted to garnering that reaction from her. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable.”
The doorman flags down a taxi, and I tip him, allowing Eloise to slide in first.
Once I’m in the cab, she turns to me. “I know you’re not. This is just a weird situation, right?”
“Weird in what way?” I’m not sure where her head is.
“That I like being with you when I shouldn’t.” Her teeth bite her lip again, then she cringes, and her eyes squeeze shut. “I’m a horrible person.”
“No, you’re not. And we’re not doing anything wrong. We’re just crossing an item off your list.”
She nods, but she doesn’t believe my lie any more than I do. No matter what though, this thing between us doesn’t go any further than tonight.